Rainbow Making 101

We're having TWINS!!!

2012-02-27T09:21:00.000-08:00

Both little eagles decided to stick around and we are so thankful and a little in shock. Twin A is measuring 6w4d and Twin B is measuring 6w6d and I am 6w5d so that's perfect!! CJ is totally in shock and it still doesn't really feel real. My next ultrasound is next Friday when I'll be 8w2d.

Please stay around little eagles!! We are so in love already!!

Ultrasound Day!!

2012-02-27T05:44:00.000-08:00

T-minus 30 minutes until we get to see if the little eagles have stuck around!! Please send your thoughts and prayers...I am so nervous/terrified. I'll update later this afternoon if I can, but I'm hitting the road to Philadelphia so I'll do my best!!

Here we go...

6 Weeks and Happy ICLW!!

2012-02-22T06:46:00.000-08:00

Welcome!! As you probably guessed from the title, I am newly pregnant. I am 6 weeks today and I couldn't be happier. It's been a long road (not as long as some, but exhausting, isolating, depressing, hopeless, frustrating, and awful just the same). I'm glad you stopped by. Here's the brief run-down...

We started TTC in March 2010. I went off birth control, started temping, and by July had my first BFP!! At 6 weeks, we saw one beautiful little heartbeat. At 10 weeks, the heartbeat was gone and my baby had stopped growing at 8w5d. To say that it was heartbreaking is an understatement. I had my first D&C later that day, then had a 2nd D&C one week later for a retained blood clot. We waited for 2 cycles before TTC (the 2nd of which I had to use Provera) and then I had 2 super long cycles with late ovulation.

My OB started my on 3 months of Clomid with a brief chemical pregnancy at the end of the 3rd cycle. Then, we took a month off for further testing and I had my HSG (which was normal) and tons of blood work (all normal).

Then, it was off to RE #1 for clomid, trigger shot, and TI...and ultimately BFN. By August though, I moved to my current RE's office and they are wonderful. We underwent 2 cycles of Femara, Trigger Shot, IUI with no luck and one cycle off due to a large cyst. With my BFN around Thanksgiving time, my husband and I knew that it was time to go big or go home and we started planning for IVF.

We took that month off for tests (blood work, repeat semen analysis, saline hysterogram and mock transfer) and I prayed for a miracle before we shelled out the big bucks. It was not meant to be as AF arrived 2 days after Christmas. We rang in the New Year with BCP and antibiotics.

I went in for my baseline scan on January 9th and got the clear to start stims on January 14th. My egg retrieval was January 25th and we got 12 eggs. Of those 12, 7 fertilized and we had a day 3 transfer of 2 8-cell embryos (excellent grades and minimal fragmentation) on January 28th. Unfortunately, none of our remaining 5 embryos made it to freeze. After 2 glorious days on bed rest (seriously, I loved it!!) the 2WW dragged on and my doubt and anxiety crept up. I started testing with leftover OPKs around 4dp3dt and at 8dp3dt I was rewarded with a BFP. I continued testing all week leading up to my beta. My first beta was on February 10th at 13dp3dt (16dpo) and it was a nice high 1397!!! My 2nd beta 3 days later was 4,320 with a doubling time of 44 hours. Now, I'm in my 2nd 2WW as I await my ultrasound next Monday. Oh yeah, and I'm continuing to POAS just for reassurance that I really am pregnant.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading!! If anyone has advice for pregnancy after miscarriage that would be very much appreciated because I'm terrified that I will lose these babies (baby) after we fought so long and hard to get here. I am so in love with them already and I really hope that they stick around. Only 5 more sleeps until my first ultrasound!!

A nice relaxing weekend...

2012-02-19T15:13:00.000-08:00

is exactly what I needed. I had to work for 7 hours on Saturday and then after I got home, I just sat on the couch, watched TV with CJ, played with my puppy, took a nap, ate Chinese food, and went to bed early. Today, I went to church, went to the store, and came home to more quality time with CJ and the puppy on our couch. It has been wonderful. I've been so tired this week that I really needed to spend this time just resting and I've loved every minute of it.

I have a funny store and a confession to make.

I'll start with the confession. I'm still POAS...every other day. I just can't help it. I went to the dollar store and bought 5 tests last week and tested every other day and then I got a few more today and plan on doing the same. The line is getting a little darker each time which is fun to watch, but I just like the confirmation that I'm still pregnant. It's been giving me something to look forward to in the mornings and it's helping pass the time...but I kinda feel like an addict.

Now, for my funny story. I was reading a blog today and someone had posted their pictures of HPTs and the progression of the line getting darker. CJ came in and said "Oh look someone keeps all their tests like you and posts the pictures." And then I said, "Yea, a lot of women post pictures of their pee sticks." He thought this was hilarious. Then, he said "Well, I'm gonna go use my pee stick now" and he headed off to use the bathroom. I have a feeling that I will be hearing the term pee stick from him an awful lot now, but its so funny and he really cracks me up.

Well, its time to go back to the couch and watch some more Downton Abby. We're on Season 2 now and it's soooooo good!!!

5W1D

2012-02-16T15:18:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I just wrote that. I'm just very happy and very thankful to be here and I hope it just keeps on going. My first ultrasound is 11 days from now at 6w5d on Monday February 27th. I'm so nervous and excited, but I'm still feeling very confident in the pregnancy because I'm already feeling pretty sick and I'm absolutely exhausted. I even hope that I start throwing up and don't stop until I'm out of the 1st trimester because that would be so reassuring. (I really do mean that...I'm loving feeling nausous and tired right now because it means that the little eagles are growing!!)

Off to get some rest. I have a couple of posts to catch up on, but I just don't have the energy today including being Tagged and my thoughts on being pregnant after a miscarriage.

I hope you all are having a great week!!

Beta #2

2012-02-13T12:55:00.000-08:00

I have more good news to report. My beta this morning was 4,320 which is a doubling time of about 45 hours, which the nurse said is perfect, especially since the number is so high. I still can't believe how high these numbers are...it's giving me so much hope. Everyone at the doctor's office was very nice and congratulatory today which was awesome and then when the IVF nurse called to tell me the results she sounded kinda giddy on the phone. It was great.

The next step is to wait 2 weeks before my first ultrasound. I think I'm going to schedule it for Monday February 27th or Wednesday February 29th which will put me at 6w5d or 7w. It's going to be another long 2WW, but I am so filled with hope right now and I'm going to try really hard to just take it one day at a time.

Mostly, I just like thinking..."I'm pregnant!" I'm so happy!!

I hope you all had a great weekend!!

The 2nd week of the 2WW...

2012-02-11T08:35:00.000-08:00

My last post of the first week of the 2WW was last Friday and I was feeling very down and negative about the cycle. I realized that I had a ton of digital ovulation tests leftover and since we would just be continuing with IVF if this cycle didn't work then I figured that I wouldn't need them anyways, so I might as well as them. I know, I know you are not supposed to test early, but I was going crazy in my head and this was the only thing that felt good to me. Plus, I have spent the last 7 cycles before IVF not testing early and that didn't help me to get pregnant either so I figured that I had nothing to lose. So, on Friday afternoon I tested the digital was negative, but when I popped the stick out there was a clear line and it had been stark white 2 days before. So, I went on my way. Saturday morning, still negative digital, but darker test line and it looked like my tests always look the day before I get my smiley face.

Sunday morning dawned bright and clear. I tested again. I remember staring at the blinking test and picturing a smiley face in my mind when sure enough...Positive digital OPK. OMG!! Now, the rule as I understand it is...if you get a positive OPK then a HPT should also be positive. So, I did what any sane infertile person would do (sane infertile, is that even possible??) and went to church and stopped by the store on my way home and picked up a cheap Target brand 3-pack of tests. I held my urine for 4 hours and tested with the HPT. Sure enough, a line popped up nice and quick. There I was only 8 dp3dt and I had the first positive HPT that I have seen in a very long time. I told CJ, but he didn't even really want to believe it and he was kinda upset that I tested early when we decided together that we weren't going to do that. (I don't blame him at all.)

I spent the rest of the week peeing on sticks every morning. At 9dp3dt I used another HPT and even darker line popped up right away. Then, at 10 dp3dt, I used another OPK and sure enough the smiley face was still there and the line was super dark. Then, on 11dp3dt I took my first ever digital test that showed the beautiful "Pregnant." It was awesome!! It was also CJ's birthday so I thought that it was a great gift for him, but he didn't even want to talk about it until after the beta. On Thursday, at 12dp3dt in the morning I took my last HPT and the line was almost as dark as the control line. I started freaking out. What if this wasn't real? Did I get my hopes up for nothing? So that night I took my last OPK and it was still a smiley face and the test line was darker than the control by a long shot.

And that is how I spent my 2ww.

My goal now is to google less and enjoy every minute that I am blessed to be pregnant. I am pregnant right now and so, so happy!!

Thank you to everyone for your wonderful comments and support!!!

Beta #1

2012-02-10T10:47:00.000-08:00

Guess what?!? The nurse started the post off with "It's good news!!" My Beta today at 13dp3dt is 1397!!!

Wow!! That seems super high, but I'm excited. Hopefully, it just means that both little eagles are planning on sticking around. The IVF nurse said that it was a wonderful number and that it is high, but that might indicate twins, but did not seem concerned. I go in on Monday for a repeat beta. She also said that I may need to still be cautious with my activity level since my beta is so high that my ovaries might start to get bigger again. And to tell you what, I have noticed more soreness down there that is similar to when I was triggering for the retrieval.

I can't believe today is finally here.
I can't believe I already had my beta drawn.
I can't believe I'm pregnant. Yea!

This time around I am going to believe in my babies and try not to spend all my time worried about miscarriage. That is all I did the last time I was pregnant and it didn't change the outcome. This time I have every reason to be optimistic. The embryos were normal when we put them back in, my lining looked great, I'm continuing with the PIO shots, and I believe in the little eagles and I can't wait to meet them!!

I will post later about the second week of the 2WW and how I passed the time. It's really only interesting to me and I couldn't post at the time, but now I want to document it.

Thank you everyone for your wonderful support and optimism and help through this wonderful and difficult time!! I have the best followers!! I feel so blessed!!

Happy, happy Friday!!

How am I going to make it to tomorrow?

2012-02-09T13:51:00.000-08:00

Today has crawled by. I'm super anxious about the Beta tomorrow. I have another lecture at work and then I'm heading home where I plan on relaxing on the couch, watching tv, and trying to go to sleep as early as possible. Please, please, please let this be it!!!

12dp3dt....or 1 day until Beta

2012-02-09T03:16:00.000-08:00

I'm still here and trying to read along with everyone else, but for some reason I couldn't post. I have no idea how I made it through the past week...and now I have no idea how I'm gonna make it through the next day. Beta tomorrow. I'll go in and have my blood drawn around 8:30am and I cannot wait! I hope I'll have some good news to share tomorrow. Until then, I'm just gonna be trying to make it through the day.

5dp3dt or 1 week and 1 day until Beta...

2012-02-02T03:46:00.000-08:00

I figured a couple of things out last night. I think some of my negativity right now comes from the fact that I am currently working nights. I came back from bed rest straight to working the night shift and that's just hard for morale because I don't get to see my friends at work except when they are stuck their late on-call and I don't get to see my husband at home except for the few short minutes after I get home before I fall asleep. Plus, this week at work has been exhausting.

I'm also really bloated now too, but I just feel incredibly fat. I've been trying to cut back on eating snacks and candy, etc since I'm not exercising, but it's tough, especially on the night shift...lol. I think I'm going to start taking short, leisurely walks this weekend and continue through my beta. I asked my clinic about walking and they said routine walking is okay, but long, strenuous walks are probably not, but a nice 15-30minute walk with my dog will probably be fine.

Finally, (and this is the big one) I realized that at every point last year when we were trying new treatments and TTC, I was so hopeful every month. When we first started trying after the miscarriage, I fully believed that we would get pregnant right away...and that didn't happen. Then, as soon as we started Clomid and perfectly timed intercourse and earlier ovulation, I thought that we would get pregnant...and that didn't happen. When we added mid-cycle monitoring and trigger shot and timed intercourse, I thought that we would get pregnant...and that didn't happen. When I switched to femara with trigger and IUI, I thought that we would get pregnant...and that didn't happen. Now, here I am one week and one day away from finding out if my first IVF cycle worked and I can't help but feel like history may be bound to repeat itself. Because you see, every month last year, I firmly believed that it was THE month when we would finally make our rainbow. Now, I feel like we have every reason why this IVF cycle worked...a nice, thick lining (somewhere between 11-13) and 2 beautiful 8-cell embabies with low fragmentation transferred on day 3...and I'm terrified that once again despite how good it sounds on paper, despite how desperately I want this to work, despite believing that it should work (how could it not work, right?) that my body will fail me, that my clinic will call and say "I'm sorry" instead of "congratulations," that AF will arrive once again.

Whew!!

I know, I know that was a very 'woe is me paragraph.' I really do know that, but I also know that I feel like a weight has been lifted from my chest after writing that down and I'm slightly more relaxed knowing why I'm so very nervous to find out if this worked or not. That's what this blog is here for...so I can get all my thoughts and feelings out there and take a load off my heart and my head.

I'll leave you with one football tidbit. I am a huge Patriot fan since I grew up in New England. As such, if the Pats were playing the Eagles, I would obviously cheer for the Pats. However, my father-in-law is a huge Eagles fan, so when the Eagles are playing anyone else, we tend to route for the Eagles. Now, we did not name the little eagles after the Eagles football team and I know that the Eagles are not playing in the Superbowl this year, but let's just say for the next 1 week and 1 day I am the biggest little eagle fan and I'll be rooting and praying for them!!

**I just looked up the definition of rooting (because I was trying to figure out how to spell it...lol) and this is also what I came up with...

v. root·ed, root·ing, roots

1. To grow roots or a root.

2. To become firmly established, settled, or entrenched.

3. To come into existence; originate.

v.tr.

1. To cause to put out roots and grow.

2. To implant by or as if by the roots.

So yea, I'll totally be rooting for my little eagles!!

I'm PUPO with twins!!

2012-01-31T10:53:00.001-08:00

I know, I know...I'm already 3dp3dt and I just posted this kinda sad, rambling post, but I realized that I hadn't posted that I'm PUPO and I really am super-grateful for this awesome chance to get pregnant.

Please stick around little Eagles!!

Zero...

2012-01-31T10:30:00.000-08:00

The embryologist called my husband at work today and updated him on our remaining embryos. (They had my phone number wrong somehow.) The result...nothing to freeze. I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty sad about it. I just had this idea that I would go through this cycle, have a lot of healthy eggs retrieved, have a lot of fertilized embryos to work with, make it to a 5dt, and have some frozen blasts for our 2nd try if needed. That's not really how the cycle went at all though. I'm sad that we lost our 6 embryos and I'm nervous about what that means about the 2 embryos that we transferred.

On the other hand, I made it to retrieval, had 12 eggs retrieved, 7 fertilized with dish insemination only, 8 made it to day 3, and we transferred 3 beautiful 8-cell embryos with minimal fragmentation and here I am already 3dp3dt. I am so thankful for that.

I will say that this 2WW has the making of being incredibly hard on me. I'm just not sure how I'm going to make it to February 10th (which will be 13dp3dt) which seems very late. I'm going to try to hold off on testing, but I do have a bunch of ovulation tests at home just sitting around and 2 digital pregnancy tests. I'm pretty sure I'm going to need CJ to hide them from me, especially since I took one of the ovulation tests today just to make sure that the trigger was no longer in my system and sure enough, I got a negative. Now, I just have to make sure that I don't test again, but I have well over a week to wait and it's going to be hard.

I'm also having a hard time deciding to how I feel about this cycle. On one hand, this is the best shot that we have had a pregnancy since we first got pregnant in July 2010...a very long time ago. I have every reason to believe that this will work. I can imagine it. February 10th dawns and I head over to the clinic for my first time in 2 weeks when they open at 8am. They draw blood from the big vein in my left arm, say good luck, and I head back home. Then, I get ready to go to work at 11am. I'm on-call that day so I'm not sure when I'm going go get out, but at some point in the evening, I get relieved and head home. I get home and with CJ there at my side, I call the results message service. I type in the numbers that will bring me to my messages, and the nurse says, "Congratulations! You're pregnant!" And I have a nice high beta!! I feel like I'm so close to that fairy tale ending and yet so far away because the very opposite could be the reality. The crazy and hard thing is that there is nothing that I can do about it except try to relax.

I'm going to try to face the rest of this 2WW with a restrained optimism. At least, if I believe that it worked then I will feel better for the next 10 days while I'm waiting and I won't have wasted this time being sad before I even heard the news. The other reassuring thing is that we have another 3 cycles as part of our success-guarantee program so if it doesn't work, we can just try again.

So, there is hope and there is so much longing...hope for a pregnancy in the works, hope to finally get another BFP, and a desperate longing to finally bring my rainbow baby(ies) into the world.

2dp3dt

2012-01-30T09:26:00.000-08:00

It's so exciting to be writing that phrase. Of course, it also just means that I have a long way to go before my beta. For now, I'm feeling good. The 48 hours of bedrest is exactly what I needed to feel better emotionally, physcially, and spiritually after all the stress of stims, retrieval, and transfer. I'm feeling good now and ready to return to work...that will at least help the time to pass a little faster!!

Anyway, this was just a quick update since I have to start getting ready for work, but I had a question. I have 375IU of Gonal-F that I had to reconstitute (from a 450IU vial that actually contains 600IU and I used 225IU) it will expire in 21days from today. I would hate to just throw it away since it's worth around $200 and my clinic did not seem to keen on receiving it as a donation since it was already reconstituted. Does anyone have need of 375IU of Gonal-F? All I would ask in return is to pay for shipping costs...and maybe include a cool pair of socks for my next ultrasound or a good luck charm. We used complete sterile technique to draw up the medication and it has been stored at room temperature and in the box for the past week. There are also the extra little syringes in the box as well. Just let me know if you are interested in the comments. I can send it out tomorrow at the earliest. Just let me know...I would hate for it to go to waste. It will be good for the next 3 weeks too.

Happy Monday!!

The Eagles have landed...

2012-01-28T15:08:00.000-08:00

that's what we are calling our little 8-cell embabies that we transfered today...the little eagles. they landed back in my uterus today for a three day transfer. the embryologist told us that the little eagles had no fragmentation and were very symmetrical and the doc said that everything looked good. we are hopeful. we have another 6 embryos that are still growing in the lab. wait, 6+2=8 and i said that we had 7 fertilized...well, it looks like one more caught up, which is exciting. i'm not gonna lie, i was so nervous that they would call this morning nd say that there were no embryos left. i couldnt be happier that we had 2 perfect little eagles that landed today and another 6 still growing. my clinic does a 3 day transfer whenver they are able to distinguish the very best embryos from the pack, so thats where we are now. i guess if i'm totally honest, i was hoping for a 5 day transfer, but it feels reaally good to have my embabies back home. plus, i can finally relax (who am i kidding, right?) but we made it through all of the steps of ivf...suppression, stims, retrieval, transfer...now only one more hurdle to cross...beta on february 10th. for now i'm pregnant with twins, resting comfortably on bestrest, and happy and thankful to be right here where i am right now!!

Fraternization...

2012-01-26T06:42:00.000-08:00

This was the term that we used at summer camp to describe when a male and female counselor spent a lot of time together and we had a strict no fraternization policy. This is funny because I met my husband at this summer camp and we of course spent our fair share of time fraternizing. Anyway, for the past 24 hours, my eggs and his sperm have been fraternizing as well. Here's the update.

7 fertilized. The other 5 did not fertilize. She didn't say anything about how many eggs were mature or anything else.

Now, I just have to wait another 48 hours to find out if we are doing a 3-day or 5-day transfer. After so much action for the past 10 days, it's hard to wait...as some of my fellow bloggers have said, I just want my embabies safe and secure inside my uterus (with it's nice plump lining!!)

I'm a little disappointed that the number isn't higher, but it's our first try at this and it only takes 1.

A Dozen!!

2012-01-25T11:56:00.000-08:00

That's how many eggs we got. 12!! I'm really happy, but I know that this is far from over. I just had these fears that I would go in there today and they wouldn't be able to get any eggs or only a couple, but 12 is a great number!!

The retrieval went really well. We got to the clinic at 7:30 and the procedure nurse brought us over the the pre-op/recovery room. Then, I changed into my gown and hospital socks and jumped back under the blankets and heating pad that they had because it was freezing in the room. The nurse came back in and started an iv. Then, I met the anesthesiologist who was really nice and friendly and my doc popped his head in to say hi before the started giving me the good drugs. I kissed my husband goodbye and they wheeled me into the procedure room. I remember the anesthesiologist saying that she gave me some versed and then I remember them helping me get my legs in position and putting the EKG and BP cuff and nasal cannula on...and I remember feeling a little dizzy, but I was trying to keep my eyes open...and then the next thing I remember was waking up in the recovery room with my husband there. It was a very pleasant experience and everyone was so nice. My husband left to go do his thing. Side note: in the room for him to do his thing there is a tv with a dvd player, but the eject button is broken, so every time he goes there he has to watch "Juicy," which I think is hilarious. He was back pretty quickly and I drank some ginger ale, ate a york peppermint patty, had my iv removed, and got dressed. The nurse then gave us the instructions about the PIO shots which we will start tomorrow morning. Then, they gave us the final count of 12 eggs and sent us in the way.

I'm feeling pretty good now. Minimal pain, minimal spotting, just a little nausea/dizziness, but overall I feel pretty good. I'm looking forward to the call from the lab tomorrow morning. Let's make some babies!!

Good luck to Charlotte at The Reluctant Infertile who had her egg retrieval today too!! And thank you to everyone for your supportive comments and helpful tips. I really feel like we have an awesome sorority here online that I know has helped me especially going through IVF. Thanks!!

On our way...

2012-01-25T04:13:00.000-08:00

We are leaving for the clinic in about 5 minutes for the retrieval. I'll update later with the results!!

Here we go...

The Day Before Retrieval...

2012-01-24T11:01:00.000-08:00

We pulled the trigger last night at 9:15. CJ had to wake me up to give me the shot since I had fallen asleep on the couch. It went well though since CJ is an expert at subq injections. We'll see how he is at IM later this week. I'm feeling pretty good today. Just nervous about the usual stuff...how many eggs are they going to get, how am I going to feel tomorrow, how's will CJ's sperm look, will any of my eggs fertilize...will this work...mostly though I'm just stuck on the first question, how many eggs will we get? Only time will tell and it's not too much longer to wait!!

In other news, I just made an appointment for a massage on Thursday evening. I've been reading that's its good to do acupuncture or massage before a transfer to help with relaxation. It's kinda expensive and it's definitely not something I need, but I think it will help and I have been super stressed out this past week or so. I also have an appointment with my therapist. My first one since we started stims and I hope she can help me with some relaxation/coping techniques for this week.

Symptom-wise, I'm not feeling great. I've very bloated and I've had occasional cramps and twinges and my ovaries seem to hurt every time I stand up or sit down or move around, which is a lot of fun since I'm working in a clinic seeing patients today and there has been a lot of sitting and standing and moving around. I'm not complaining though. I'm happy about the symptoms because it means that my ovaries are doing their job and growing some nice follicles/eggs. The symptoms definitely make me happy, but it's tough because no one at work knows why I would be in pain or stressed this week or having to take tomorrow off, so I kinda feel like I've been living in a bubble. It's nice inside the bubble though...just me, CJ, our puppy, lots of shots, and the docs and nurses at the clinic.

Has anyone gotten a massage before transfer? Did it help?

Trigger tonight...

2012-01-23T14:38:00.000-08:00

Yea! I did it! After my scan this morning, the doctor annouced that I was ready. So, the plan is Trigger tonight with Ovidrel at 9:15pm. The nurse will call me this afternoon with instructions on whether or not I need to take anymore Gonal-F tonight as well. Then tomorrow hang out. On Wednesday, I have an appointment for 7:30am for the Retrieval. CJ has his appointment at 9:30am and he's taking the rest of the day off to hang out with me. I can't believe that I'm actually writing these words, trigger and retrieval. I'm super excited. I'm also super crampy and bloated. I think the symptoms are definitely worse today but it may just be that I'm up and around at work and wearing real clothes as opposed to scrubs or sweat pants.

Thank you to everyone for your support and comments while I was stimming. I know I sounded a little neurotic about my levels, but I think it was the only thing tangible that I could really obsess over. My goal for the next 2 days and 2 weeks is to stay as relaxed as possible.

Update: The nurse called and my E2 is now 2244 which she said was perfect. So, tonight I will take Gonal-F 225IU (bummer because we have to open a new box) and then the trigger shot at 9:15pm.

Retrieval here we come!!

My first post as a 29 year old...

2012-01-22T10:38:00.000-08:00

Well, after the excitement and hope from yesterday's ultrasound and bloodwork, I fully expected a good rise today (despite the decreased dose last night.) My ultrasound this morning after 8 days of stimms looked good and the doc measured 8 follicles (6 on right and 2 on left between 14-17 and I have a few smaller ones on each side. He called and left a message a little while ago and my E2 level increased to 1471. I'm a little disappointed again because I was hoping for another big increase, but I think this is just what my body dose because every other day there is a smaller increase and that is followed by a larger day. If you look at my estrogen levels every 2 days then the level always more than doubles. So, I need to keep being positive and try not to stress.

Plan for tonight is Gonal-F 450 (back up to the higher dose) and HCG 30U (again at the higher dose), followed by Cetrotide at 10:15pm and back for another ultrasound in the morning. At the appointment today, he said it looks like one more day, so I'm hoping that we get the good news that we can trigger tomorrow night with retrieval on Wednesday. I just really hope that my levels continue to go up, especially with the higher dose tonight. We'll be opening our 7th box of Gonal F tonight. Wow, I'm a just chewing up these meds.

Here's what it looks like for my E2 levels. What do you guys think?
After 3 days stims = 163
After 4 days stims = 254
After 5 days stims = 497
After 6 days stims = 671
After 7 days stims = 1217
After 8 days stims = 1471

In other news, it has been a wonderful birthday weekend (kinda surprisingly.) I got to catch up with my best friends from out of town, spend some quality time with CJ, and rest and relax (well, the relaxing is questionable.) Now, I think it's time for a walk and then some football. Enjoy the rest of your weekend!!

Another Day, another update...

2012-01-21T14:00:00.000-08:00

Today, I had my appointment after stimming for 7 days. Things are looking good.

On my right ovary I had 5 follicles ranging from 14-18 and 3 other ones between 10-12 and some other smaller ones. On my left, I had 2 follicles between 14-17 and some smaller ones. I'm definitely feeling lots of twinges/pain mostly on my right now. We are stimming for another day and I go back in tomorrow for some more fun with the ultrasound and bloodwork.

My doctor called and updated me and my E2 level jumped up to 1217. Wahoo! Another great increase. So, we are decreasing the meds a little bit tonight to Gonal-F 375 and HCG 10 and I'll take the Cetrotide at 10:15pm again tonight. I'm thinking that I will either trigger tomorrow night or Monday night at the latest.

It's been a great birthday so far with the good news from my doctor's appointment and the phone calls from family and friends. I'm still a little bummed that there's no big party, but let's face it, I'm not going to be much of a partier tonight anyways. lol. I did pick up some ginger beer at the store which is delicious and alcohol and caffeine free. It's a really nice treat!! I hope you all have a great weekend!!

Day #8 of stims here we come (and my first night of stimmimg as a 29 year old!!

Monitoring Update...and some embarrassment...

2012-01-20T13:51:00.000-08:00

So, this morning I went in for my ultrasound and blood work after my 6th night of stims. I got my blood drawn first this time and then headed into the exam room. I stripped off my pants, wrapped the sheet around me, and jumped up on the table (I'm a pro now, you see.) CJ walked in a little while later because I had left some paperwork at home and he brought it in on his way to work and this way he could see my follicles too. So, then the doctor came in and was about to start the ultrasound when he stopped and said "opps" and I realized that I had forgotten to take off my lacy, floral underwear. Needless to say I was super embarrassed. The doc and IVF nurse stepped out again while I preceded to remove the offending piece of clothing and get back on the table. The doc was really nice about it and when he walked back in the first thing he said was that this wasn't the first time it's happened. lol. I'm still a little embarrassed about the whole thing, but it's been a long week.

As for the ultrasound, my right ovary still has a nice crop of follicles. He measured 5 between 11 and 15 and then he measured 2 on the left between 11-14. I got my E2 results later in the day and they are up to 674. I was really hoping for them to double again, so I'm kinda disappointed. The nurse who left the message said that they are just happy that the levels are increasing. Tonight I will continue the Gonal-F 450 + HCG 30 and I'll start the Cetrotide at 10:15pm tonight.

I broke down and cried a little bit this afternoon. I had been feeling so good since we made the decision to start IVF that the stress associated with the cycle just kinda hit me hard and everyday I just focus on the ultrasound and estradiol levels and I just get so nervous...that they are going to cancel my cycle (even though today the doc said that it looks like we have a nice bunch of follicles to work with) or that I'm not going to get very many eggs or that this isn't going to work.

The other thing that has been bothering me lately is that it's my birthday tomorrow and I feel like it's the birthday that everyone forgot. I know, I know I said that it was probably a good thing, but it's tough not to have any of friends try to make plans for a Saturday night to celebrate my birthday. I'm going to try to make the best of it though. I have to work in the morning and then I have my appointment at 9:45am. Then, I'm going to get ice cream (I've been craving it all week) with CJ. Then, maybe I'll do a little shopping because I got a birthday $10 off from banana republic. I'll also take my puppy for a walk. Then, we're going to cook a delicious and healthy meal from the farmer's market food we got this week. I'm thinking something with sweet potatoes and beets and steaks on the grill!! Okay, so that sounds like a pretty nice day after all.

If you are still reading, thanks for listening. Your comments are definitely helping me get through this IVF cycle. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!!

E2 Update

2012-01-19T09:34:00.000-08:00

The nurse just called. My E2 level doubled since yesterday and is now 497!!! Wahoo. She sounded so excited for me on the phone. Tonight, we are still doing Gonal-F 450 and HCG 30 and I go back in tomorrow at 8:15 for another ultrasound and bloodwork. I have to say the one thing I love about this is the instant gratification. Everyday is broken down into appointment...call from nurse with results and instructions...injection...try to get some sleep...and repeat. It's pretty fun, but way more stressful than I thought that it would be. For now, I'm really proud of my ovaries for producing some follicles and lots more estrogen! Good work ovaries!!

Monitoring Ultrasound #2

2012-01-19T06:28:00.000-08:00

So after 5 days of stims and a dose increase last night, I went in for my 2nd ultrasound this morning. Here's the update.

My lining looked thicker, but the doctor didn't measure it. The on my left ovary there was 1 bigger follicle measuring 10 by 12 and at least 3 smaller ones. On my right ovary, he measured 5 foll, on right 5 measured between 10 and 15 and at least 3 smaller ones...did not measure lining. In 2 days will have a better idea of how many follicles will be good and when the retrieval will likely occur.

I'll update later when I get my estradiol levels, but I'm feeling pretty good after the ultrasound this morning. I've been praying a lot more and I think that's definitley helping!!

I did ask about donated Gonal-F and they said that they never have any of that donated. Oh well. It was worth asking about.

Come on follies!!

Estradiol Level Update...

2012-01-18T10:16:00.001-08:00

The nurse just left a message that my E2 level is 254 after 4 days
stims. It is up from 163 yesterday. They want me to up my meds
tonight, so I'll be taking Gonal-F 450IU and HCG 30U. I go in
tomorrow morning for my 2nd ultrasound and repeat blood work. I'm
definitely concerned that I'm not responding well enough to the meds,
but the nurse made it sound like the level was okay since I had a
bunch of follicles. The other downside of needing to increase my dose
of Gonal-F is that it is so expensive at $372/box (which is 600IU). I
really hope this works and the cycle doesn't end of being cancelled
since we've already spent about $1200 on meds alone. It's great
getting daily updates on how I'm doing, but it's really hard trying to
figure out how I'm doing and if everything will work out okay.
Believe me, I'm definitely trying not to stress, but it's hard because
I fee like my levels are a little on the low side (especially since
they increased my meds for tonight.)

Here we go, Day #5 of stims. I'll be praying for a nice rise in my E2
level and some beautiful follicles tomorrow!!

In symptoms note, I started feeling occaisional twinges in my lower
abdomen so hopfully there is something growing in there and I'm just
off to a slow start.

Monitoring Update...

2012-01-17T14:52:00.000-08:00

Monitoring Ultrasound

So, I went in this morning at 8am. Here's what we found. My lining was at 3...which I expected because I'm still spotting, but my RE said that's totally fine. The biggest follicle on my left was at 9 with lots of little ones and on my right I had one that she measured at 7 and more little ones. My E2 level was 163. Is that a good level for after 3 days of stims???

The plan is to continue Gonal-F + HCG tonight and tomorrow night and return to clinic at 8am tomorrow morning for a repeat Estradiol level and then on Thursday morning for repeat ultrasound and blood work.

I'm a little disappointed by the minimal growth since we have such a long way to go, but my RE said that everything looks perfect, so I'm just going to have to go with that.

Day #4 of stims here we come...

Day 3 of stims and some help from a fellow blogger...

2012-01-16T14:14:00.000-08:00

That's right later tonight I'll be getting my third shot and tomorrow morning at 8am is my first monitoring ultrasound. I'm so nervous about the scan, but I'm trying to stay positive.

I just read this great post about surviving the 2WW with IVF here by Chon at My Path to Insanity and Beyond. Thanks for the great tips. I think we are definitely going to do the movie nights and my husband is already on board for some delicious dinner-making!!

Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots...

2012-01-16T03:11:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I've only had one shot so far but i had to quote the song which CJ is currently playing in the background. On Saturday night, I gave myself my first shot and last night, CJ gave me the second shot (he wants to practice before he has to give any IM shots and he said he wants to be more involved). This is so exciting! I don't think I'm feeling any different yet, but I did have a moment yesterday when I was sad because none of my friends planned anything for my birthday next weekend. After a discussion with CJ though I feel better because if we did have a big dinner planned I would have to come up with a good reason why I wasn't drinking but I'm sure a lot of people would think I was pregnant and I definitely don't want that. Plus my retrieval is tentative for next sunday and depending on how I respond to the meds we might have the retrieval anytime next weekend.

In other exciting news, this is my 102nd post!! Wow, I cant believe it. I'm not much of a writer but this blog has definitely helped me through some really tough times. Its getting all of these feelings and thoughts off my mind and out there for other people to read and comment on that has been so helpful!! I'm planning my first giveaway for when I reach 50 followers, so that's something to look forward too!!

Have a great week!!

Success Refund Program

2012-01-14T02:47:00.000-08:00

At my RE's clinic they offer 2 different IVF plans. First, you can just pay per cycle and they even have in house financing where you pay all the interest up front and then pay about $300/month for 12 months or you can pay $8400 for an IVF cycle (not including ICIS, assisted hatching, donor eggs, or anything like that.) The price includes the anesthesia for egg retrieval as well as all the blood work and ultrasounds, retrieval and transfer. The only thing it doesn't include is the medications.

The other option to people who qualify is their Success Refund Program. We qualified for this (based on age, blood work, antral follicle count, and semen analysis. For this program you pay $20,000 (yes, we liquidated our savings and took out a loan to cover the cost) and you get 4 guaranteed fresh IVF cycles and all the frozens that you may have paid for. If you don't take a baby home by the end of that, then they refund the entire $20,000. So basically you either have a baby for $20,000 or you get your money back. The only thing that we have to pay for is medications, $550 for the anesthesia fee, and egg storage (which is like $30/month and its prorated. So, this is the program that we are doing. The break even point for cost is at 2 fresh cycles and one frozen. I would be totally fine not making it to that point, but it is so nice to have the assurance. CJ and I talked about what we would do if we made it to the end without a baby and we decided that we would immediately put that money towards adoption.

It was definitely a tough decision paying per cycle or going with the Success Refund Program, but it's the guarantee that really sold us. It's kinda crazy how much money that it though. Now, we are just being super cautious with spending money since every month we have to cover our loan payment as well as medications on top of our usual expenses. It was an interesting experience writing out the checks for the program on Monday. Afterwards, we were both in a daze and just went home drank some hot chocolate and cuddled on the couch. Each day has gotten better though and now we're just so excited to be starting stims. I feel like I've been posting more because I didn't tell a lot of people in real life about IVF and I just need to get it out on here. As always, thank you so much for listening and commenting!

The plan so far...

2012-01-13T12:41:00.000-08:00

This post is more for documenting reasons since it will be pretty dry and short, but here's the calendar for our IVF.

January 14, 15, 16th: Gonal-F 375IU + HCG 20U at night
January 17th 8am: First monitoring ultrasound

That's it so far since we'll probably be doing some adjusting after Tuesday's appointment. I can't believe that we are only one more day away.

We got the drugs and needles and mini-sharps container and everything yesterday so it's really starting to feel real. It's kinda crazy how expensive these drugs are...Gonal-F is $372 for 450IU (but there's actually almost 600IU in each vial so that's a little better, but still. We spent a grand total of $2000 on meds so far (including the antagonist, PIO shots, the trigger, Gonal-F, and low-dose HCG.)

I'm off to take a nap and I'm hoping that I'll be motivated this weekend to post about my first injections and about the success refund program that we're doing.

Happy Weekend!!

Greetings to all!!

2012-01-13T06:24:00.000-08:00

As many of my fellow bloggers have pointed out, it's International Delurking Week through this Sunday, the 15th. I have 34 followers which is amazing (I update my husband everytime I get a new follower!) and I'd like to get to know all of you better. Plus, it's the day before stims so I don't really have anything else going on and your comments will help me pass the time!!

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Here's a few questions.

1. What do you do to give yourself a break during treatments?
2. Are you an optimist, pessimist, both, or neither?

Just wanted to keep it simple. For me, I give myself a break by allowing myself to watch mindless tv in the evenings. It really helps me relax after a stressful day at work. I also go to bed super early even if I don't get a chance to finish the laundry, study, or clean-up (which also means that our house is a mess right now...lol). I think I'm still an optimist, but I'm trying to become more of a realist. Every month last year, I firmly believed that this was the month...and it wasn't x 12. This year, with the help of my therapist, I'm trying to take a more detached and still hopeful approach. So, I would say that I'm a guarded optimist. Can't wait to hear from all of you!!

The cycle is a go...

2012-01-10T11:46:00.000-08:00

My appointment yesterday went great. No cysts on my oviaries and 19 antral follicles. Plus, my estradiol level was 22 so we are ready to for this cycle. Here's the plan. I will take my last BCP tonight. Then, on Saturday I will have my first injection of Gonal-F and low-dose hcg and then continue that until my first monitoring appointment on Tuesday morning at 8am. Needless to say, I'm so excited!! We are also wrote our checks so we are all set for the Success-Refund Program. I will write more about what that entails later. Now, I'm ordering my medications. Wahoo!! Here we go!!

Augh

2012-01-09T08:52:00.000-08:00

So, I'm home on a mini-vacation today and before getting some work done I decided to venture on to facebook. Big mistake...huge...(get it?? It's a quote from Pretty Woman)

Anyway, I just found out that another one of my co-workers' wife is pregnant and a college friend who just got married last year is very pregnant. I'm still super pumped about starting IVF, but it's still hard to hear about new pregnancy announcements.

Augh, augh, augh...

One more day...

2012-01-08T05:56:00.000-08:00

until my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. My appointment is 3:30pm tomorrow afternoon. I cannot wait. I'm nervous and anxious. I just want to get the go ahead to start our IVF cycle. Let's get this show on the road!!

At least there's lots of football to watch and laundry to be done in the mean time.

Speaking of which, last night we went out with friends for dinner and to watch the football games. CJ and I aren't drinking in preparation for this IVF cycle and I knew that if I didn't order a drink my friends would immediately be suspicious that I was actually pregnant. So, I ordered a water and then immediately said, and no I'm not pregnant, I'm just on a diet for my new years resolution, which I think explained it well. I wish I could just tell everyone about IVF because I'm so excited for it, but on the other hand, I don't want a whole lot of people to know because I fee like that would add stress as well. It was a really fun night of hanging out and delicious food sans alcohol.

Hope you are all having a nice and relaxing weekend!!

Happy New Year!!

2012-01-02T06:45:00.000-08:00

Well, I can't say that I am sorry to see 2011 end. It's kinda funny because if you had asked me last year at New Years if I thought that I would not be pregnant or have a baby by January 1st, 2012, I would have said absolutely not. I still in some ways cannot believe that I did not manage to get pregnant (except for that incredibly short lived chemical pregnancy) in 2012. My sister on the other hand was living my dream. She got pregnant and had a baby in 2011. Maybe 2012 will be by year. All I know for sure is that IVF will be a part of my 2012 year...and I'm so excited. Only one week left until my baseline scan and pay day. We're struggling a little bit to get the money together since all $20K is due next Monday and we'll have to dish out additional money for our drugs then too. CJ is working frantically to get it all together, but I can tell that he's a little nervous too. His parents graciously let us take out a loan from them and then check is in the mail. We're cutting it a little close, but I think we'll be okay.

I just wanted to update you on how things went with my family. As many of you know, I struggled significantly with my sister being pregnant this year while I went through many failed treatment cycles. I was so worried about what it would be like to see her over the holidays. You know what? It was great. We're still best friends and I really did miss her this year. It was great to see her and catch up and her new baby is beautiful. It was great getting to hold that baby and see my other niece and nephew. The best part was that she's no longer pregnant, which made it so much easier for me. Now, I can only hope that I get and stay pregnant with my first before she gets pregnant again with her 4th. I have about a 9-15 months before she'll probably be pregnant again, but at least for now, things are good.

My new years resolutions are simple right now and vague because I don't know how much I can expect from myself with this upcoming IVF cycle and I want to give myself a break. Basically, I need to study more, eat healthier, relax (relax, relax, relax) and clean my house. I think I can manage that. I'll try to come back with more specific goals, but we'll see.

Thank you 2011 for teaching me more about patience and grief and jealousy and love than I could have ever asked for...patience for getting pregnant and having a baby, grief for not delivering a baby in March 2011, jealousy for my sister getting pregnant and having a baby, and love for my wonderful husband and soul mate. Here's to a New Year! Come on 2012...make our dreams come true!!

Advice

2011-12-30T12:57:00.000-08:00

I totally forgot to ask in an earlier post, but is there anything I should be doing now before I start IVF in a couple weeks? Any advice that you guys have would be greatly appreciated!! Any suggestions for how to approach the first cycle or how to pass the time before stims start or how to keep stress at a minimum??

So, far I have cut out alcohol and caffeine. Is there anything else that I need to be doing?

Thanks for your help and advice!!

The End of December...

2011-12-30T07:51:00.001-08:00

The good news is that I'm doing much better than I was on Tuesday and Wednesday. I over my failed Christmas miracle and I am full-on excited for IVF. Today will be day #3 of BCP and Cipro (which is wrecking havok with my GI tract.) I even have a widget on my phone that is counting down until January 9th at 3:30pm when we go in for my baseline scan and blood work and if all goes well, then I will start stims on the 14th. It's so soon and so far away, but we have a lot planned in the next 2 weeks so I'm sure that it will do quickly!!

I have realized a couple of things this week. Despite the fact that I was only able to get pregnant in 2010 and then lost that baby and then was unable to get pregnant in 2011, I am so much happier this year over the holidays than I was last year. I really think that I am healing and I have my wonderful husband, my therapist, and my awesome followers (thank you so much for your wonderful comments.) Who knows what 2012 will bring, but I'm excited!!

I am also so extremely grateful that we will be able to do IVF. It's ridiculously expensive and we will be draining our savings account and taking out a $10K loan, but we are able to do it and I'm so thankful for that.

Hurry up 2012!! I'm so excited to see what the year brings!!

It Official...

2011-12-28T04:33:00.000-08:00

We cannot get pregnant on our own. I'm pretty depressed right now. I tried to convince myself that I would just be so happy that we were getting to start IVF, but I held on to hope that maybe we would be one of the lucky couples that got pregnant the month before they started IVF. Alas...AF arrived last night. I guess even Santa Clause couldn't deter her.

So tonight I start BCP and begin a 14 day countdown until my monitoring ultrasound and empty our savings account day.

I am excited and I'll be more excited, but I'm still a little sad and these cramps are just making things worse right now....

Bah humbug.

Bring out the checkbook...

2011-12-27T15:21:00.000-08:00

After 2 days of cramping, I started spotting today and I'm sure AF will make her appearance momentarily. I'm pretty bummed. The cramps were helpful because I knew she was coming so I didn't get my hopes up, but I was hoping for a Christmas miracle of our own. A miracle that would bring us a baby in 9 months, save us more than $20K, bring us so much hope and happiness going into the New Year, and so much more. I'm trying to pray more and one phrase that has been on repeat in my head is 'not my plan, but yours (God's)' and I am trying to sit back and let God's plan happen, but I was kinda hoping his plan was for us to get pregnant on our own on the eve of starting IVF. It just wasn't meant to be.

Now, I'm trying to get excited about IVF, but I need some time to get over yet another BFN and another arrival of AF.

Note: AF arrived the exact same time last year, 2 days after Christmas. I really hate her!!

Dear Santa,

2011-12-24T06:26:00.000-08:00

All I want for Christmas is a positive pregnancy test, a healthy pregnancy, and a happy healthy boy or girl (or boy and girl or any combination really) 9 months later. You see I'm 11 dpo today after ovulation on my own with no meds and a lot of prayer. It would be awesome if you could somehow keep AF away for the next 9 months and we could conceive on our own. Maybe if you see her on the way to my house if you could distract her and cart her away to the North Pole for a little vacation. She's been working hard this year and visiting me every month, so I think she could really use the break.

And if this isn't our month, then please send us a baby from our IVF adventure that will begin next week. We are really excited for this new journey, but of course we could use a little help (in the magic and miracles department.) If that's the case, then we could also use some more patience. Most of ours has been used up this year and maybe if you could fill our tank again that would help us in this next part of our journey.

Either way, we would love to have new baby celebrate his or her first Christmas next year. That's all we want for Christmas this year. It's not a pony or a car or really nice jewelry, it's something so much more special and awesome, but we could really use some help.

Thanks Santa. You're the best!!

Love,
The J's

Missing my Angel...

2011-12-24T06:20:00.000-08:00

I haven't cried for awhile. I've been really busy with the holidays and really, really excited about starting IVF and then I even ovulated on my own which was awesome. Last night was tough though. We went to the Zoo with my in-laws to check out the Christmas lights and see some animals. As soon as we got there I realized that this might not have been the best idea. There were so many children and so many families with many, many children and lots of women with young children who were visibly pregnant. Despite all of that, the reason I was so sad was because I couldn't bring my 9 month old baby boy or girl to the Zoo with his/her grandparents. It still breaks my heart that I lost my first child. Last Christmas I was still in mourning from my miscarriage and this Christmas, I'm still sad about my lost angel. Why did everything have to go so wrong?

Since there is no answer to that question, I will try to end on a more positive note. It's Christmas eve and I'm celebrating with my husband (who is so amazing) and his wonderful family. I might not have been very good this year, but I'm still hoping Santa leaves us some nice gifts this year. Since I haven't written a letter to Santa yet, I will post mine up soon.

Happy Christmas Eve!!

One week left...until IVF!!!!!

2011-12-21T11:32:00.000-08:00

I can't believe that it's been a week since I last posted. My sister's baby has arrived, a little on the small side, but mom and baby are doing very well. How am I doing? ...Way better than expected, but the jealousy does flare up from time to time. However, I am so proud of myself for being genuinely happy for my sister and the newest edition to our family and going shopping for new baby clothes for the new baby with my mom. (I found some great clothes on sale too.) I have another week until I meet the family and until then, I am going to enjoy some quality relaxing time with my wonderful in-laws and my last few alcoholic drinks before we start IVF.

Speaking of which, I will start birth control pills next week!!! I can't wait! I picked up my prescription already and we are getting ready to go!! Plus, we were approved for the success refund program and I think that we are going to go for it!! 2012 is going to be a year full on injections, ultrasounds, blood draws, and (hopefully) babies and I can't wait!!

Tomorrow

2011-12-13T15:18:00.001-08:00

Well, the day has finally arrived. My sister is scheduled for her C-section tomorrow morning. Now, don't get me wrong. I am very happy for her and I'm happy that I will soon have another niece or nephew. But, it's still incredibly hard for me. I'm super jealous and I really wish I wasn't, but I can't help it (My therapist says that this is okay by the way). I feel a little nauseous actually and I just want to go to bed and not wake up until I'm pregnant. Yea, it's one of those days. The good news is that tomorrow morning I will have another niece or nephew and after tomorrow morning my twin sister won't be pregnant anymore. Instead, she'll be the mother of 3 beautiful children (that only cost her 2 failed months of clomid to make.) Actually, of her 3 pregnancies, 2 were by accident. Whereas building my family has come with so much loss, struggle, and heartache...and not to mention money. So, yea I'm jealous and I'm sad as hell that it's not me having a baby tomorrow. I know you may read this post and think that I'm a terrible person, but I'm just trying to release these pent up feelings so that I can go on being happy for my sister and the new addition to her family.

Thanks for listening.

A Wonderful Sight...

2011-12-12T16:40:00.000-08:00

A quick update. Since I'm taking this month off from fertility treatments in preparation for IVF next month, I have been anxiously waiting to ovulate because I had no idea if or when I would on my own and I just want to get the party started for IVF already. Well yesterday at CD 19, I had a beautiful sight...a smiley face on my OPK!! It was awesome!! Of course, we baby-danced away!! I don't have any hopes for this cycle, but I'm just happy that I was able to ovulate in a reasonable amount of time and not have to use Provera. I'm still waiting for my temp rise, but I had some cramps today so I thing operation ovulation is safely underway.

As soon, as ovulation is confirmed, I'll be starting a 14 day countdown to the start of IVF. I'm counting my next CD 1 as the start of IVF. It will be the first time since we started trying to get pregnant that I will be happy to see AF!! It's gonna be a great Christmas present...lol.

Yea!!

2011-12-10T08:53:00.000-08:00

Remember back in grade school or high school or summer camp when you had the opportunity to win awards all the time? Well, that doesn't happen so much in the land of adulthood, which is why I'm so pumped to receive a blogging award!! It's like I'm a kid again!! And in the midst of yet another negative and arrival of AF, it's nice to have something so fun to celebrate!!

The Leibster Award

Thank you so much to M from Creating a Rainbow and Chanel from Just Waiting for My Turn

Here are the rules of the Liebster Award: (German for "dear" or "dearest")

The rules:

1. Copy and paste the award on your blog.
2. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
3. Reveal your top 5 picks (<200 followers) and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
4. Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.

My 5 picks are as follows:
1. This Blondie Wants Babies
2. The Lotus Flower
3. Created Family
4. Belle at Scrambled Eggs
5. Building a Family Through Donor Insemination

Merry Christmas and Happy Blogging!!

Tis the season...

2011-12-01T15:02:00.000-08:00

Making a list...and checking it twice!

2011-11-30T02:29:00.000-08:00

I'm not talking about a wish list for Santa either. Nope, I'm talking about a checklist of things to get done before we can start our first IVF cycle. Yesterday, CJ moved us one step closer by doing his seman analysis. I'm always so proud of him for going and doing this terribly awkward thing and never complaining and just getting it done! We'll find out the results on Friday when we both go in for our talk and my saline hysterosalpingogram and mock transfer. Then, we'll have a couple more things checked off and I can't wait!!

Poem

2011-11-26T02:29:00.000-08:00

Here's a poem that one of my IRL friends who went through miscarriage, infertility, and finally pregnant from IVF shared with me. I think I'm just going to have to keep reading it as I embark on this next step on our journey.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss

and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.   

I will be better not because of genetics, or money, or that I have read more books

but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.  
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every
day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I
can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop
another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with
which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be
careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better
daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.   

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire
and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.   

I have prevailed.  
I have succeeded. 
I have won.   

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself
discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the
immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they
learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion
that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.  

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Author Unknown

IVF here we come!!

2011-11-25T15:37:00.000-08:00

So, here's the plan.
1. December: No meds this month and pre-IVF testing including saline hysterosalpingogram (or something like that), mock transfer, and special IVF seman analysis for CJ

2. January (hopefully): Start my next cycle. Go in CD 3 for Day 3 labs including FSH, LH, ect. Start birth control pills.

3. January/February: Stims, Retrieval, Transfer, Baby!!

I'm so excited. I feel like it's a really long road to get there, but I am very confident that this is the best option for us at this point. For those of you who have done IVF, does this timeline sound normal to you? I go in next week to meet with the doctor and come up with a plan, but this is what we talked about briefly at my appointment today. It's funny because I have to put my whole "I want to be pregnant by Christmas thing" on hold while we prepare for IVF, but I feel strangely calm and just excited about it!! I don't know how I'm gonna get through the next month before we get things started, but I can't wait!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

2011-11-24T18:52:00.000-08:00

Greetings from the ICU! I hope you all are having a very happy Thanksgiving!!

Tomorrow is my CD3 scan and after much talk and delibration, CJ and I are ready to move onto IVF. So, my plan is to go in there and ask them how we can move on to this next step. Now, that we've made the decision, I just want to get started, but I know that it will take some time. I know that we could do more IUI's or try injectibles with IUI, but the success rate is still not that good and I'd rather spend money on IVF with it's much high success rate. I'm just at my wits end and I'm so ready to be pregnant. It's worth the money and the time and everything else.

So, this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for my wonderful husband and for our health and jobs and that we are able to be able to afford IVF (barely!). I'm so excited about this new step. My excitement and hope for our future IVF cycle is keeping out of depression right now and I feel pretty good. I feel that this is the right next step for us!

Not my happy thanksgiving ending...

2011-11-23T20:20:00.001-08:00

Well, i won't get to be like Addison and test on Thanksgiving Day. Nope, thanks to AF's arrival today, I don't get my happy Thanksgiving ending. This sucks and it hurts so much. I felt so much more confident this time around and our timing was perfect. But it wasn't meant to be. What it does mean for me is that I'm so thankful that I started seeing a therapist who specializes in infertility. she's great. I've only had one appointment, but I definitely think that this is going to help and I'm kinda kicking myself for not going earlier. It also means that I am so sad today. It sucks cause I'm at work now fighting back tears and just wishing that this had been our month.

The good news is that CJ is onboard for more treatments. He is so awesome, really!! I thought he would come home and say well we said that this was the last one, so now we're done and it was pretty much the opposite of that. I'm actually going to talk to my doctor about either another IUI or moving onto IVF. so, at least we are going to keep going with treatments which I'm excited about.

This is kinda a rambling, disjointed post, but that's how I'm feeling right now. I'm sad, lonely, frustrated, and still a little hopeful for the future. I really do believe that this is a question of when not if and I just need to be patient. See, I'm already learning something from my therapist.

I hope you all have a wonderful thanksgiving.

Private Practice

2011-11-19T16:55:00.000-08:00

So, I just watched Private Practice. You know how Addison was testing on Thanksgiving Day, well, that will be me this year...testing on Thanksgiving Day. I think Addison is pregnant. I think I'm pregnant. I really hope we both get to have our happy endings, I mean beginnings on Thanksgiving this year!! (Yes, I know Addison is a fictional character on tv, but when I saw that episode it just made me think about how I will be testing on Thanksgiving too...maybe its a sign and I will be pregnant!!

The 2WW has been so much better this time around. I have been about at positive as I can be. I just keep telling myself that I'm pregnant, that it actually worked this time, that this time around the word 'Pregnant' will flash on the fancy tests that I bought just so that I could test if I ever made it to a cycle where AF was late. I even made a vision board. haha. I am so not a vision board person, but it has felt really good to inject so much positive energy into my life and into these 2 weeks.

So, what do you think? Is Addison pregnant? Am I pregnant? Only time will tell, but I'm betting on both of us!!

2nd IUI Success!!

2011-11-09T06:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my 2nd IUI. I started cramping Monday night and all day yesterday, so I think that our timing was perfect this time around. CJ stepped up to the plate and hit a home run with a count of 72 million and 6% morphology. I'm so proud of him. I've decided that this time around I am going to think and act like I'm already pregnant in the hopes of actually making it happen.

So, I'm now 1dpIUI and I'm considering myself pregnant. Yea!! Now, I just need to wait 2 more weeks to confirm what I already know with a HPT. CJ's on board too with this super-hopeful mentality this month. For the next 2 weeks, I will abstain from alcohol, sushi, lunch meat, heavy exercise in the hopes of turning my thought into reality. Yes, I know I'm trying to believe myself pregnant. I've tried being realistic and pessimistic and angry at god and it hasn't worked and I've just felt lonely and bitter. Now, I'm going with happy and hopeful and pregnant (until proven otherwise!) Plus, I'm talking to God again and going to church and it feels great!!

Please send some positive thoughts and baby dust this way to help me through the next 2 weeks!

In other news, I'm working in the ICU again this month, so hopefully I can stay sane at work. At least it will give me time to blog and read blogs when I'm not busy.

Thanks to all my wonderful followers for sticking around through my long absence. I'm glad you're here!

Trigger Shot tonight!!

2011-11-06T05:14:00.001-08:00

I can't wait!!!!!!

Midcycle Monitoring...

2011-11-05T10:20:00.000-07:00

I had my ultrasound today, CD11. I knew it was early, but I had such a large follicle on CD 13 last time around that I didn't want to miss it this month. At first the scan looked terrible. Nothing going on in the left ovary and just my persistent cyst on the right (that's getting smaller), but after a little shuffling it looks like I have one follicle at 18 and another one around 11 -13. I didn't really hear him when he called out the numbers. Then, I got dressed and we talked in his office and the plan is to do trigger shot tomorrow night (CD 12) and then IUI on Tuesday morning at 10am. I'm so excited to be doing another IUI and I'm glad that we're starting earlier this month since I think I ovulated before the trigger shot in September. But of course, now I'm filled with more worries...will the follicle be mature enough by tomorrow night, will I ovulate 36 hours later just in time for my IUI, and of course will we get pregnant?????

In the meantime, I'm going to treasure my weekend off of work and time spent with CJ. It's a beautiful fall day!! I'll keep you posted!!

Medication Mishap...kinda...

2011-10-31T08:37:00.000-07:00

This morning, I woke up early, started my car, got ready for work, jumped in my warm car, and headed off to work on time. I was feeling really good until I pulled into the garage and realized that I forgot to take my femara. Opps. So, I called CJ and asked him to drop it off at work. I woke him up because it was only 5:45 am this point. If I ever had any doubts, I now know without a doubt that my husband loves me and is the best man in the whole world. He scraped the ice off his car and drove to the hospital where I ran out to meet him, downed my 2 little pills, kissed him, and then we went our separate ways!

Gotta love all the crazy things we do to make a baby!!

I'm back!

2011-10-27T06:46:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the unannounced break from blogger. I decided to keep myself busy with yoga and work and trying to live my life again last month. I have to say that it was a great month. I thought that the time away would help me find myself again since sometimes I feel like I'm losing it (literally) in this whole struggle. Well, I think I was successful with those goals. I'm feeling better about myself and about the whole infertility situation. I also was really hoping to come back on here and announce my BFP, but alas...AF arrived yesterday and today is CD 2.

I had my baseline ultrasound yesterday and it showed that the cyst on my left had completely resolved but now I had a new cyst on my right, likely a corpus luteum cyst from where I ovulated. I really thought that I was going to have to sit out another cycle when the doctor said, well I guess you just like to make these big corpus luteum cysts and I think we can go ahead with treatment this month. YEA!!! So, I start month 2 of femara tomorrow morning (after spending $186 on filling my prescription last night.)

I have a new plan for this month that only involves positive thinking. Every day I'm going to tell myself that this is the month that I will get pregnant and I'm going to believe that. Let's face it even when I try to tell myself that it isn't going to work, I'm still crushed when AF arrives. So, this is it. This is the month that I get my BFP. Here we go!!

More bad news...

2011-09-26T12:22:00.000-07:00

Well, I had my CD3 ultrasound today. My right ovary looked good with a few antral follicles. But my left ovary decided to hold on to the corpus luteum this time around. Yep, I have a 3cm corpus luteum cyst on my left ovary and just like that there will be no femara or IUI this time around. My options were birth control so that I could definitely get my next period in 4 weeks, provera (start taking it in a couple of weeks), or nothing and try naturally. I just couldn't handle the idea of not trying this month, so we are going to go at it the old fashioned way. I left the office in tears, but I went to a hot yoga class right afterwards and that always relaxes me and cheers me up. So, I bought an unlimited monthly pass. That's right, I'm tired of being a sad, depressed, not-pregnant, infertile woman who's always on the brink of tears. That stops today. Now, I'm officially a Yogi!! Let's see how many classes I can get to in the next 31 days!! I can't wait!!

Plus. all this stretching has got to be good for BD'ing!!

Hanging my a thread...

2011-09-24T07:36:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I haven't been around recently and haven't really participated in ICLW. I needed a break from blogger and I was trying to get on with my life in the hopes of having a really happy BFP post this weekend. No such luck. AF arrived this morning. Just in time for me to go to work for another call shift of 30 hours. And I thought that I was sad before. Now, I'm just kind of numb alternating with depressed, angry, and frustrated. Why can't we get pregnant again??? It just doesn't make any sense and it just plain sucks.

I have another metaphor for this whole miscarriage and trying to conceive after loss thing. After my miscarriage last year, I was thrown a life line, a metaphorical rope of support from family and friends and of hope that I would get pregnant again soon and have a rainbow baby. Every cycle that has passed since then has frayed the rope. I feel like I'm hanging by threads at this point. I'm not really sure what to do about it except cling to those threads and go forward with another femara/IUI cycle. This time, I'm determined to time everything perfectly even if it means using my precious sick days if needed.

Here's what I'm thinking the plan will be. First step, CD 3 ultrasound on Monday. (So, the plan might change after that.) Then femara again CD 3-7. Monitoring ultrasound either CD 10 or 11 (since CD 13 was obviously too late last month.) Trigger shot. IUI #2. Struggle through another awesome/fun 2WW. I'm also going to ask about injections since I only had one follicle on femara and maybe we just need more targets.

Wow, this really sucks and the worst part is that I really feel like my prayers are falling on deaf ears and I'm not sure what the point is anymore. I haven't gone to church in a month and I'm not sure that I can bring myself to go back until I'm pregnant again. I feel like I've been abandoned since my miscarriage last year. Why did my sister have to get pregnant (for the 3rd time) and not me? Why is everyone else that I work with or on facebook or even on these blogs able to get pregnant? The big question is what am I going to do about it and at this point, I'm going to try to make it through my call today and my 2 more calls this week and then we'll see. Right now, I just need to not cry while I'm at work...but that's not really going so well now...

So sad today...

2011-09-15T23:44:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am back at work and on-call for another 9 more hours. I've been thinking about writing this post all day, but now in the wee hours of morning while I'm waiting to accept a patient I finally have some time. I may ramble and vent a little bit, but I'll plan that on the sleep deprivation.

So, for the past couple of months, I've been telling myself and my family and friends that I'm fine whenever they ask. Some days, that's true, some days I'm better than fine (like when I was doing hot yoga or the day of my IUI when I was feeling downright good), and some days I'm feeling a whole lot worse than fine...like today. For some reason, ever since yesterday afternoon I have been feeling really sad, down, depressed, jealous, frustrated, etc. I'm sure that has made me a lot of fun to work with but I'm actually pretty good at putting on a good face at work even though I'm really sad. I think I can attribute my sadness/depression to a couple of different things, so now it's time for a list.

1. I need new and better friends. I started re-watching episodes of sex and the city. What I love most about the show is the amazing friendship between the 4 women. I want that so badly and I realized that I just don't have any friends who completely measure up. Before her most recent pregnancy, Lil was my best friend who I could call at anytime, but I can't do that anymore. It's just too hard to talk about my follicle ultrasounds when she's going in for ultrasounds of her 3rd baby to be. I also had amazing support from friends both near and far when I had my miscarriage last year. There was rarely a day that went by that I didn't hear from someone checking in on me or asking me if I wanted to grab dinner or get together. That's just not the case this year. I'm having a harder time reaching out to my friends and they probably don't realize how much I'm struggling. I have tried to talk to my closest friends and I just always leave the situation or conversation feeling like they just don't get it. So, I try not to talk about it and I feel so lonely. That's how miscarriage and infertility have changed me the most by making me feel lonely and isolated despite trying to reach out. Now, I'm on the quest for an infertility support group close to me or at least some new friends. I'm looking for a Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha.

2. I miss my family, but I feel let down by them. I have a wonderful family and I'm blessed to have amazing parents, a fun little brother and sister, and my wonderful twin sister who I love so much and who I just can't talk to very much anymore. I've gone through these phases where I miss my family so then I try to tell them about things that are going on and then they just come back with you need to see a therapist and what's wrong with you and it's been over a year so you should be over your miscarriage and you might never have children. I've heard all of that from them over the summer and I just don't want to go through that again, so I'm pulling away and I'm sad.

3. The 2WW is really tough. I've gone through 8 of these before and each time I was very optimistic, searching for signs (creamy CM, sore boobs, nausea, headache, cramps, food aversions) that this was my lucky cycle and each time AF has come and crushed me. Now, I'm feeling hopeless and crushed in advance of her arrival. I know that even if she comes we'll do another cycle with femara and IUI and the timing looks like it will work out really well since I'll have a 3 day weekend right around ovulation. I just can't help but be sad and feel defeated. Every month, I have tried to be optimistic, to practice mindfulness, to be happy, to relax, to exercise more, to not exercise, to hula hoop, etc and it just hasn't worked...so why should this cycle be any different. I'm not ready to throw in the towel and I don't think I can take a break now because I want a baby so badly, but it's definitely getting harder and my coping mechanisms during the 2WW need an overhaul. I'm near-tears right now just thinking about AF's arrival and I'm nervous that when she does show her face because she inevitably will it will completely crush me and I won't be able to bounce back or get out of bed.

4. I just want to be pregnant already. I want my life back. It was hijacked last year on August 27th and I want it back. I've been working at picking up the pieces for the past year, but I'm missing the most important piece and I'm not sure how to complete the puzzle without it. (Wow, that was a bunch of different metaphors all thrown in there!) I want to stop thinking about my CM and ovulation cramps and paying out of pocket for fertility meds and procedures and not drinking alcohol and not exercising and drinking more water and googling every little thing. I want to be able to study without my mind wandering frequently to am I pregnant now or will it work this cycle. I want to be able to post about my BFP and my first ultrasounds and making it out of the first trimester and eventually posting the birth story of my patient. Here's another metaphor. TTC for me has been like a marathon. Now, I've run a couple of marathons in my day (I ran my last one several months before we first started TTC and I haven't wanted to train for one since then in case it affected my TTC efforts.) There's a big difference between my journey so far and running a marathon. At least when you run a marathon, you know where the finish line is. It's always at 26.2 miles. So, when you hit the wall at mile 20, you just keep running because you are only 6.2 miles aways from the finish line and each step you take is bringing you closer to the finish line. Well, I've hit the wall in my TTC journey, but I have no idea where the finish line or if I'm even getting closer to it. So, I just keep running, but I'm getting tired and weary and I have no idea how I'm going to hang on. I know that I will hang on because crossing the finish line and holding my baby in my arms one day will be worth every single second of loneliness and frustration that this year has brought me.

If you have made it to this point in the post, I just wanted to thank you for listening. As you can see, I don't really have anyone IRL who I can vent like this too. Thanks for letting me get this out. If you have any extra baby dust or buckets full of baby dust, please send it my way!!

1dpIUI

2011-09-12T15:05:00.000-07:00

It's so funny writing those initials because I never thought that I would get here, but here I am 1 day past IUI and 2 days into my 5 days of pineapple core smoothies. We'll see how it goes. I'm trying to be hopeful/optimistic this month, but it's kinda hard because I'm pretty sure we missed ovulation with the IUI. We BD'd before though so our bases were covered, but I think I would be feeling a lot better if we had done the IUI on Saturday. Now, I'm just trying to get over that, "Augh, I should've done that" feeling and move on. CJ is on board with another IUI. I think he's so please with himself and his sperm count that he's willing to do it all again. lol.

I'm back on-call and trying to get some work done, but I just keep googling IUI, femara, BFP, Pineapple core, etc. Either that or shopping online. 17 more hours until I can go home and sleep and I can't wait!!

Oh yeah and I lost a follower today, which kinda makes me sad. I was hovering at 22 and now I'm down to 21. I hope you all don't leave because it's been so helpful and awesome to read your comments!!

First IUI

2011-09-11T08:38:00.000-07:00

Let me just say that it was a great experience. I love my new RE's office and the doctors and nurses are all awesome. I really hope this works and it's hard to imagine it not working. The doctor reassured me that even though I had a large follicle it is unlikely that I ovulated before 36 hours with the trigger shot and even if I did since we deposited the sperm right at their target then I would still be okay. CJ did great too. His post-wash count was 75 million!!!!! He was so proud of himself.

Next step is progesterone check next week and then followup ultrasound in about 2 weeks to begin the next cycle if I'm not pregnant.

I was thinking about how awesome it would be if we conceived today. 10 years ago today I was going to my first day of classes at college in New York City and so many lives were lost that day. 10 years later we are hopeful that one life was created today!!

Now, on to the 2ww. I think we'll BD tonight and tomorrow just for fun and I'm gonna start eating some pineapple core today for the next 5 days.

I hope you are all having a happy weekend!! Thank you so much for your well-wishes and support!!

T-minus 14 hours...

2011-09-10T17:09:00.000-07:00

until my first iui. i'm so excited and so nervous. i'm not sure if i've ovulated yet but i have had some ovary twinging and cramps since my hcg shot and my cervical mucus seem s a little thicker but it doesnt look like it does post-ovulation, it just looks like my clomid cm right around ovulation so i think we are still good. based on my cm it's definitely a good thing that we are doing iui. cj and i have abstained for the past 2 days (it will be 72 hours by the time of the iui). oh man i really hooppe that this works!! i'll be crossing my fingers for a good strong ovulation at the time of my iui tomorrow!! please let this be our month!! please excuse the typos and punctuation since i'm posting from my phone!!

Happy Friday!!

2011-09-09T10:20:00.000-07:00

I had my CD 13 ultrasound this morning. So far no +OPK's at home and just some twinging in my right and left ovaries, so I was anxious to see what was cooking. I really don't mind these transvaginal ultrasounds because I love seeing what's going on in my body, especially when there's good news. Plus, I only had to undress from the waist down which is much nicer than wearing one of those gowns. The results are a nice, lush endometrium of 12mm and I think it was a triple layer. So much thicker than my thin 7mm stripe on Clomid. On my right ovary, I had one antral follicle that he measured, but it was probably only 14 or 15. On the left, I had one mature follicle at 24 x 27mm. It was huge. We were going to do trigger shot in the office and then IUI tomorrow, but I will still be at work tomorrow morning and they aren't able to do an IUI after 11am when I got off work. So, instead I'm going to trigger tonight (which will be fun because I'm on call in the hospital tonight...lol) and then IUI on Sunday morning at 10am. I asked him if I should be nervous about ovulating before the IUI, but he said no that it will be fine to wait one more day. I really wish I could have the IUI tomorrow just to take some of my own fear away about missing the window, but I have to trust him and just go for it on Sunday.

Has anyone else ever missed ovulation with IUI after having a dominant follicle that was almost ready to go? I really hope this works. We have our basis covered though because we BD'd yesterday and the RE said that the sperm can last for up to 3 days. I'm told CJ that I would relax again on Sunday after the IUI and he just laughed because of course after the IUI I'll be in the 2WW and that brings along another set of worries.

Now, I just need to make it through another 10 hours or so, give myself the trigger shot, then another 12 hours oncall, then sleep tomorrow afternoon and tomorrow night, then IUI on Sunday morning, take it easy for the rest of Sunday. Sounds like a good plan!!

Hump Day

2011-09-07T02:31:00.001-07:00

CD 11 today. A few twinges in my ovaries, but nothing to write home about and so far OPKs negative. I'm anxiously awaiting Friday's ultrasound and really hoping for a good response from femara, but not too good a response...you know how it goes.

I've also been doing some reading online and I think I'll have to take a break from my new love of bikram (hot) yoga during ovulation and the 2ww. I'm a little sad about it because while I'm doing yoga, I feel great, my body feels great, and I'm in a really good place. It's like a mini-vacation for my body and mind. But, I've read conflicting things about being in the heat during ovulation and the 2ww and I don't think I want to risk it at all. So, I'm going to continue daily jogging and then use bikram yoga whenever AF arrives for the first week of my cycle. It will be my consolation prize and I know it will get me through the worst time of each month. What are your thoughts on bikram yoga while TTC? Any other recommendations for yoga, etc? I'm not doing acupuncture this month because it's just too expensive on top of the IUI/ultrasounds/medications.

In other news, I was on-call last night and actually managed to get almost 5 hours of sleep with minimal interruptions so that's also good for my body. I can't wait to head home at 11am this morning though after rounds and get some real sleep. It looks like its going to be a rainy day here too which is perfect for post-call. Happy Hump Day!!

CD 7 - Last day of Femara pills

2011-09-03T18:54:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I'm already a week into this next cycle. Just last Sunday when the witch arrived, time seemed to slow down. But here we are, somehow another week gone by. I'm trying to be more optimistic this time, so how about this for optimism...I'm officially 1 week pregnant.

Lol. Isn't it kinda funny that we start counting pregnancy weeks from the LMP, so the counter starts even before conception. This time around, I'm starting my own counter. I don't want to get a ticker (cause that would just be silly, although I did consider it), but it feels good in a way to think of myself as 1 week pregnant instead of CD 7.

So far, minimal side effects from femara...some hot flashes and maybe one day of mood swings.

We'll start BD'ing tomorrow (to flush out the old sperm!) and I'll start my OPKs on Tuesday. As long as I don't have a surge before Friday, then I'll go for my monitoring ultrasound on Friday (CD 13) and then do trigger shot and IUI on Saturday. Only 1 week from today! I can't wait. I really hope it works with IUI and that I have at least 1, but hopefully 2 or 3 good follicles. I'm nervous that I'll miss my surge or ovulate earlier and not be able to do IUI, but I really am trying to relax and just let it happen. On Clomid, I ovulated on CD 17-19, then CD 16 (with trigger shot), then apparently CD 15 (based on my cycle length since I wasn't temping or monitoring. I heard that Femara can move up ovulation day, but I'm still thinking that CD 13 will be okay for my monitoring ultrasound. Anyone on femara have any experience with this???? Should I move up my monitoring ultrasound????

In other news, I started running again as well as hot yoga, which is incredible. I was pretty sore this morning, but I feel great and I can't wait for the next class!!

Have a great weekend. I'm on call today and tonight, so I'm just hoping to get a little bit of sleep.
Goodnight!!

Updates and A New Plan!

2011-08-31T09:01:00.000-07:00

So, my new cycle started on Sunday and I called the new RE on Monday to try to get in for a CD 3 ultrasound so that we could go ahead with treatment this cycle, but then the receptionist said that since I didn't have a treatment plan from my previous RE that I would need a new patient appointment before we could start treatment and my new patient appointment wasn't until Thursday (CD5). So, I asked her if she had any cancellations for Monday or Tuesday (this was at 11:00am on Monday) and she had a cancellation for Monday at 1pm. I told her I could make it (since I was post call and not working). I'm hoping it was fate! So, I went in for my new patient appointment and it was wonderful. I love my new RE. He's younger and very considerate and awesome!! The office is great too. They got all of my old records too which really helped. He did a history and we talked about what I had tried in the past. Then, he said "don't you want to know why you aren't ovulating regularly?" And I said "Definitely." I feel like he's treating me like a serious case now and wants to figure it out. Then, he said " so are you pretty much at the end of your rope?" Finally, someone who is acknowledging how hard this is and justifying my presence in an RE's office. I told him I definitely was and then almost started crying, but he was very understanding and very positive. It was awesome. Then, we went in for an exam and ultrasound. I have an anteverted uterus and we could see the corpus luteum cyst on my left ovary and a few follicles and then a cyst on my right ovary and quite a few follicles. So, he said it looks like a mild form of PCOS. Then, after I got dressed we met again to talk about a treatment plan. So, here it is. Femera (Letrazole) 5mg CD 3-7. Then, I'll go in for an ultrasound on CD 13. If there's a mature follicle, I'll do a trigger shot there and come back the next day for my first IUI. CJ and I are both so excited for the IUI because it's something that will help our chances and it's totally different than what we've been doing in the past. I just hope we get the timing down. I'm also really excited about the femara since it seems to have a better success rate than clomid and there are none of the bad side effects (thin lining and poor CF). I think I had thinner lining on clomid because AF is almost gone and it's only CD 4.

Here's the cost breakdown for the cycle.
New patient appointment and ultrasound and blood work - covered under fertility testing by my insurance --> $30 copay
Femera - not covered by my insurance --> $152 at Walmart Pharmacy
Mid-cycle monitoring ultrasound --> $157 (hopefully only x 1)
IUI --> $400
OPKs - I'm going to start testing at CD 10 to make sure I don't surge earlier on the femera --> $25
Pregnancy test - I have 2 dollar tree tests left over --> $0 (I'm going to try to just wait on AF)
Total cost --> $764 (As long as I only need one ultrasound.)

So, it's not too bad, we were figuring somewhere between $1000-2000, so this sounds really good by comparison.

Plus, CJ even said that this may not be our last cycle with treatment since it sounds like my new RE is really good. So, that takes some pressure off too!

Alright, well cycle 9 and our first IUI (hopefully!!). I can't wait!!!

A new year...

2011-08-28T15:49:00.000-07:00

Last year August 28th was a very sad, very hard day. This year, I'm not quite as sad and I really have come along way, but AF arrived a short time ago and I'm devastated.

Why can't we get pregnant again????? That would have been the best way to celebrate surviving this year with a BFP tomorrow, but it is not too be. I'm sure God heard my prayer, but he's just saying, be patient, not right now. I know that when we do finally get pregnant and have our rainbow baby, he or she is going to be worth waiting for, but it's hard to think about facing another month of not being pregnant.

You'd think that it would get easier since I've already gone through 12 months of not being pregnant.

CD 1, cycle #9, here we go again...

My prayer this Sunday

2011-08-28T08:27:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

Please let me be pregnant this month and have a safe, happy, healthy 9 months and bring home my rainbow baby. Please don't let AF come and keep her away for the next 9+ months. I want this so bad. Thank you for all the blessings in my life.

Love,
AJ

A Year Ago and A different lifetime...

2011-08-26T15:27:00.000-07:00

First quick update....13 dpo today and still no testing!! I pretty sure I'll be able to make it to next week without wasting anymore tests. I definitely do not want to see another BFN and if AF doesn't arrive, then we'll see.

In other news, it was on Friday, August 27, 2010 that I found out about my missed miscarriage. Later that day, I had my first d&c and within moments I was no longer pregnant. I still remember the day so clearly and I thought that I would blog about it so that maybe I can free up my thoughts and let go a little bit.

So, it was a beautiful, sunny, hot August day. I was on an easy cardiology rotation. I went in for a couple of hours in the morning, but then I left around 11:00am because I had a doctors appointment. I remember being so excited for my appointment and the weekend and to be 10 weeks. Before my appointment, I met CJ for lunch. We ate outside. I had a chicken curry sandwich (but I saved half of it for later) and we split a side of pasta salad. It was so much fun. Then, we headed home so I could pack really quickly before we went to my appointment because I was supposed to be on an amtrak train to New York City after my appointment. Then, we headed to the doctors office. I remember sitting in the waiting room and talking with CJ about whether or not we wanted to find out the sex and we couldn't agree. He wanted to find out and I kinda wanted to be surprised but it was just a fun, happy, light conversation. I remember being so happy. Then, we went back to the room. We talked to the nurse. My weight hadn't changed at all, but that was to be expected. Then, my doctor came in the room and we talked for a little bit and then she got me up on the table. She put a doppler on my belly and searched for the heart beat. A couple of times she said, I think that's it there, but she never got a strong beat, but she said that could be normal since I was only 10 weeks and the baby could be hiding behind the placenta. So, then she turned on the ultrasound machine and placed it on my belly. I remember in the moment before she did that how excited I was to see my baby and I looked over at CJ and his face was pure happiness and he had a huge giddy smile. Then, the probe went on my belly and I looked up at the screen to see a baby that looked a lot bigger than it had at 6 weeks, but then my doctor asked "how far along are you again?" I said 10 weeks and she said "this doesn't look like 10 weeks, it only looks like 8 weeks and I can't see a heartbeat. My world was forever changed in that moment. The very thing that I had feared so much had come true. My baby was gone.

What followed was endless tears, difficulty sleeping, 2 surgeries, waiting for 5 weeks to get AF again, then waiting another cycle until we could try again, taking provera to finally get my 2nd AF, then so many BFN, more tears, more waiting, 5 cycles of clomid, one trigger shot, roughly $500 for to our RE (with a lot more to go), acupuncture, hula hooping, baby aspirin, 2 huge bottles of prenatal vitamins, a lot of baby dancing and laying around with my hips up afterwards, an 8 week mindfulness class, more tears, feeling lonely, missing my baby, passing his/her due date to get me to where I am today...which is still not pregnant and childless. I've come along way in so many other ways, but in the one that's most important to me, I still haven't been able to succeed in my goals. Maybe by next year at this time I'll be pregnant or have a baby, but I really just don't know because the reality is that I might be right here again. I'm sad today. I really thought that this was going to be such a different year. Now, I'm just trying to be hopeful about the future, but that's a little harder today.

Thanks for listening. I'm glad I got that out. Tomorrow is the actual anniversary so we'll see how it goes.

Happy Thursday

2011-08-25T10:33:00.000-07:00

It's 12 dpo today and I'm holding strong...no testing!!

Got a pedicure yesterday during my post-call day off. So relaxing and I love the color I picked. A dark blue/purple color with a little bit of shimmer. Saw Harry Potter last night and it was awesome!! We also bought a cute key holder chalkboard thing from Urban Outfitters and new curtains for our living room. I'm so excited!!

I'm on call tonight, but hopefully I won't be here too late. I'm feeling pretty good today. I'm trying to get excited about IUI next cycle in hopes of not being too disappointmented if AF decides to show next week. I also called another acupunture clinic in town to see if their appointment are less expensive. That would be a huge benefit.

Horoscope

2011-08-24T08:41:00.000-07:00

11 dpo and no testing for me today. Well, it's still early, but I think I can be strong. That's the problem with having cheap tests in the house. It's almost worth the risk of seeing a BFN if you get a BFP because then the world magically changes...but I just don't think my heart can handle another BFN and then wait 5 days for AF to arrive.

But since I'm staying positive...here's my August horoscope.

On August 28, the Virgo new moon opens a new chapter for intimacy, one that could bring an engagement, a pregnancy, the purchase of a shared home, or another relationship rite of passage. Your jointly held property is highlighted by this new moon, which forms an auspicious angle to transformational Pluto in your twelfth house of endings and release. In the best sense, this could be a day that you truly forgive and forget, or that you experience a true soul mate connection that dates back to past lifetimes. Some Aquarians may decide to move on from a toxic relationship, cutting your losses and trusting that the universe has a more honest, uncomplicated match for you.

Then, it goes on to say this...

The August 28th Virgo new moon puts your emotions in the spotlight. Its angle to transformational Pluto in your twelfth house of endings indicates that you may need to release something—a person, a pattern, a fixation on things being a certain way—in order to start anew. If you’re holding onto something, be it material or energetic, the only way is surrender. Summon the courage to let go. A pregnancy is possible at this new moon. In fact, if you’re hoping to conceive, this would be a good time to try, especially since expansive Jupiter goes retrograde (backward) in your motherhood house from August 30-December 25.

Fingers crossed that this turns out to be my month!!

A new day

2011-08-23T19:23:00.000-07:00

Yes, my post from yesterday was a little dramatic and sad...but I blame the glass of red wine I had at dinner with some girlfriends last night and the fact that this Saturday is the one year anniversary of my miscarriage and d&c. I can't believe it's been a year already...but more than that I cannot believe that I'm still not pregnant (well I might be, but I'm still waiting for implantation.) I really thought that I would be pregnant again already and we are doing everything right and yet each month AF comes and its getting harder and harder.

However, today is a new day and I'm going to focus on the positives and some recent happy events, I'm gonna go with bullet points because there is a lot to catch up on.

1. We had a great vacation in Hilton Head. The weather was perfect and it was so relaxing It was the week before ovulation and I ovulated on the Saturday that we were driving home, so I'm hoping the relaxing from vacation is what did it for us this time around. It was so nice to have a week off from work and to get to sleep in past 5:30 (and not set an alarm!!). I got along really well with my family too. (My pregnant twin sister was not there...which is why I was able to relax and we didn't really even talk about her.)

2. CJ and I celebrated our 3rd Wedding Anniversary on last week. I can't believe it has been 3 years. He is without a doubt my best friend, true companion, and soul mate. He wrote the sweetest thing on a card that he gave me. I'm paraphrasing but he basically said that this is what he always dreamed marriage would be like and he's glad that he married his best friend (me!!). He is the best man and the perfect man for me. To celebrate we went out to dinner and then got some ice cream for dessert, but we were so full that we just saved the ice cream for another day. It was nice to have a date night and then come home to our wonderful puppy! Here's to many more wonderful years!!

3. We went camping this past weekend with our puppy and some friends. It was nice to get away again and it was just a really relaxing weekend with lots of reading and hiking and board games.

4. I won my first ever giveaway. Thanks to Diana at http://bunlessintheoven.blogspot.com/. If you havent been to over to her blog yet, you should totally check it out. It's awesome and she is so positive. I'm hoping that my winning the giveaway is a sign of good things to come...fingers crossed. (See I told you I was being more positive today.)

5. I made some extra money moonlighting at work tonight, which is great because I have to be here anyways and it's nice to have a little bit of money going into a IUI cycle.

6. I moving to a new fertility clinic and hopefully, we'll be going forward with IUI this month. I'm hoping to try something else besides Clomid because even though it's getting me to ovulate, it's just not getting me knocked up. I'm really excited for IUI. It looks like the cycle with cost about $1000, but it will depend on which meds I'm on and how many ultrasounds I need. I will need a minimum of 2 ultrasounds (cd3 and cd12) and then we'll see. The IUI is roughly $400. I have my first appointment over there next Thursday. Depending on how this cycle finishes that may be later than cd3 so then they told me to just give them a call and they'll bring me in on cd3. The woman on the phone was so nice and helpful and was actually able to answer all my questions about how the cycle will work and how much it will cost. (As you know though, I'm hoping an IUI won't be needed and that I'm baking one or more little ones as we speak.)

7. I decided not to test again. Last night was just a slip brought on my over-thinking and red wine. By the light of day though I think I will be better off just waiting for AF to show next Monday or Tuesday. If she's a no show that I'll test either Monday or Tuesday. I had an interesting horoscope for this month with a mention of possible pregnany with the new moon on the 28th, so we'll see what the new moon brings. Plus, I ovulated on a full moon!! That should count for something.

Alright, well I got have to get back to work!! Have a great night!!

9 dpo

2011-08-22T18:16:00.001-07:00

BFN

The waves are hitting me. This sucks!!

Treading water...

2011-08-22T05:39:00.000-07:00

So I know I 'm still due for a post about my vacation and anniversary (3 years!!) but i came up with a good analogy about my life that I wanted to share.

So here goes...when I got pregnant the first time last year, I started swimming to the island of motherhood (okay a little cheesy but bare with me.) When I miscarried a big storm came and I sunk for a little while. I finally resurfaced in December when we started ttc again and I began treading water. I've been treading water ever since then, but as each cycle passes, the fatigue sets in and it becomes harder to keep my head above water. And then there are the waves that hit me from time to time...like my sister getting pregnant, a couple of friends at work being pregnant, another BFN, having AF show up again even when we did everything right.

When I do get pregnant again, I'm be floating on top of the water and I'll get to start swimming back to the island. I can't wait for that day!!

Until then, I'll just keep treading!

Really bad day...

2011-08-18T02:38:00.001-07:00

So yesterday was not the best day. I found out that another co-worker was pregnant and due at New Years and I got my first every speeding ticket. CJ was really mad at me for speeding on the back roads and I just couldn't stop crying. The vacation glow has pretty much worn off.

Here's hoping today's a better day with much less crying involved.

PS I'm back from vacation and I'll have a longer post/update coming soon!

Vacation time!!

2011-08-05T10:44:00.000-07:00

We leave for vacation in about 18 hours. I can't wait!! One week with CJ on the beach. Yea, we're going with my family too, but I'm going to try to really focus on hanging out with CJ so that we can have some nice, relaxing time together away from our busy lives. We're leaving behind our amazing puppy, but he's staying with friends who have a couple of dogs, so he'll be in good hands.
So, I had my acupuncture appointment on Monday. It was interesting. The lady does specialize in infertility and said she has lots of success stories. She told me that I would need to give her 3 months and that we are basically getting the garden ready to plant (with a baby). She was a little blunt and business-like at times, but I am hopeful that this will help. So, after my interview with her, she examined my pulses, looked at my tongue, and then we got on with the treatment. I had needles in my forehead, both hands, one foot, and one leg/knee. It didn't really hurt at all just a couple of zings when the needles contacted my chi and hopefully got it flowing again. Her other recommendations with interesting and I'm doing my best to follow them.
1. Herbs - The Blossom herbs in capsules. I take 3 pills 3 times every day and go through different phases for each week of my cycle.
2. Sing - really belt it out. She said I have some stagnation issues and this will help get things moving. (I think my hula hooping will also help.)
3. Eat red fruits and vegetables - this is supposed to help my blood. So far this week I've had red peppers, tomatoes, sweet potato, mandarin oranges, raspberries and watermelon. (She said orange was okay too.)
4. Eat cooked vegetables rather than cold salads to warm me up. I started getting the cooked vegetables in the cafeteria for lunch this week and some days they were really tasty.
5. Get moving - this is to help with the stagnation. I went for a run this week, went swimming with a friend, took my dog for a bunch of walks, and have been hula hooping.
That's about it. I made another appointment for when I get back from vacation and it will be cd 19, so maybe her treatment can help with ovulation or implantation.
I'm still not temping and no OPKs!! I never really minded temping, but it's realy nice not temping and basing my day on what number was on the thermometer. I finished my clomid yesterday and so far no real side effects except for some moodiness, but overall I'm feeling pretty good. I started taking mucinex 400mg 3 times a day (with my herbs), so I'm hoping for some good CM when the time comes to BD...which we will be sneaking in while we're on vacation next week!!

I hope you all have a great weekend!! I know have 21 followers which is so exciting! Thanks for reading!!

Trying something new...

2011-08-01T08:22:00.000-07:00

This afternoon, I have my first acupuncture appointment. I'm really excited and a little nervous. It's really nice to be trying something different this time around. I cannot help but be hopeful once again...but there is definitely some reservation since I have been hopeful for the past 7 cycles. This cycle also feels different because I'm not temping and I won't be doing OPKs. I'm hoping at some point after I finish taking the clomid that I will just forget what cycle day I'm on and go a couple of months without a period and wake up and be in my 2nd trimester. Ahh, wouldn't that be nice?!?

I can't believe it's August already. Last year at this time I was pregnant and happy and terrified of a miscarriage. I cannot believe that I have made it 11+ months and I'm still not even a little bit pregnant. My sister on the other hand is in her 5th month of her 3rd pregnancy. Everything is going really well with her and her pregnancy so that's good. I was hoping to be pregnant at the same time as her though and my window of opportunity is running out. Oh well. These days, I'm feeling much better and I'm able to enjoy my life with CJ and our puppy a lot more now. I am so very grateful for my wonderful husband and everyday with him is an amazing blessing! We're going on vacation next week to the beach and I'm hoping it's just what the doctor ordered as far as relaxing and taking our minds off of TTC. We are going with my family though, so we'll have to sneak in our babydancing sessions. I just can't wait for a week of reading fun books, running on the beach, playing tennis, swimming, eating good food, and sleeping in. Only 4.5days of work left until we leave!!

Here we go again...

2011-07-31T10:45:00.000-07:00

There was no happy ending for me this time around. AF arrived on Friday. No BFP, no getting to start counting up weeks, no baby growing inside me. Total bummer. I really thought we had it this last time around. Now, its on to cycle 8 of TTC after my miscarriage. I'll be doing clomid again...round #5. We won't be able to do IUI though because we'll be on vacation, so more fun timed intercourse on vacation and at home and a lot more praying!!

Today is CD 3 and I took my first dose of clomid this morning. Tomorrow, I'm off to my first acupuncture appointment for infertility and I'm so excited. It feels like we're really doing things differently this cycle by adding in the acupuncture. I'm also going to abandon my thermometer and OPKs. Oh yeah, and I'm going to keep hula hooping!!

Have a great weekend!!

13, 14, 15...

2011-07-28T15:07:00.000-07:00

Dpo and no testing or temping for me and its actually been a nice relaxed couple of days. I got most of my tears out on Monday and part of me has already moved on to next cycle where I'll be doing clomid and acupuncture, which I'm really excited about. No AF yet, but I've started to have some of my typical cramping and I'm totally craving chocolate...another sign of her imminent arrival. When I've taken Clomid in the past, my luteal phase has been 15-16 days, so I should be seeing AF tomorrow or over the weekend. I'm sure I'll cry again when she comes, but for now it's nice to be relaxed and looking forward to cycle #8.

Thanks to everyone for your supportive comments. They have met so much to me. Now, I'm off to do a little shopping with CJ and get some ice cream!!

12 dpo

2011-07-25T10:40:00.000-07:00

Thank you to everyone for your supportive comments. I wish I had better news, but I got another BFN (I mean stark white, not even a hint of a line) at 12 dpo this morning. Oh well. I guess it just wasn't in the cards, the time is not right, good things come to those who wait, etc, etc, etc.

I'm feeling a little bit better today though, mostly because I've been busy at work. It's kinda nice to have the negative early because even though I'm not filled with hope all week and thinking that I could be pregnant, it will not be so devastating with AF shows. I'm expecting her sometime Wednesday thru Friday. My luteal phase seems to be a bit longer when I'm on clomid, so I'm thinking Friday is more like it. Then, it's on to Clomid Round #5.

Happy Monday to everyone and thanks again for all of your support during this 2WW.

11 DPO

2011-07-24T13:38:00.000-07:00

BFN.

Well, I guess that means the trigger shot is out of my system. We'll see what happens in the next couple of days, but I'm not feeling very optimistic. I really think I'm out this cycle. At least, I have a couple of days to get used to the idea. I really don't know how it didn't work this cycle. I had 2 good follicles, a great triple layer lining, HCG trigger shot, perfectly timed sex, and I didn't do any heavy exercise. I guess it just wasn't meant to be, but that's a hard pill to swallow with the one year anniversary of my miscarriage looming in a month.

I'm sad and down, which is not a great way to go into the week. Augh.

Friday Night Frustrations

2011-07-22T19:05:00.000-07:00

Greetings to everyone stopping over for the July ICLW! Thanks for reading and following along and of course, for all of your support.

Also, my husband and I have officially completed our fertility testing after my husband went for his seman analysis this morning. I'm anxiously awaiting the results and I'll keep you posted.

After that nice, positive note, the rest of this post may not be that happy. I feel the need to vent again for a couple of reasons, so here goes. First, I'm currently stuck at work with a woman in my class who used to be my best friend last year and we were pregnant together last summer. We were one week apart and I know that I was looking forward to sharing all the new experiences of pregnancy together during the subsequent 8 months. Throughout the first 10 weeks, we shared our morning sickness symptoms and commisterated about changing our schedules to have time for maternity leave and not drinking alcohol (wow, I was so innocent a year ago). After I lost my baby, she was a terrible friend and just complained about her pregnancy to me. I just decided that I couldn't be friends with someone who knew what I had been through and couldn't show any compassion or understanding. It sucked though because I lost my best friend. It was also like getting punched in the stomach everytime I saw her and her growing belly as the months went on. When she finally had the baby, it was a relief that she wasn't going to be at work for 2 months and I planned on getting pregnant while she was out on maternity leave, but no such luck. Now, she's back at work and she has a healthy 4 month son. Me, I'm still not pregnant, but I have a 4 month old puppy. So, the reason for my story is that today she brought her son into the resident lounge. I just got up and walked out. It's just too much to hear people gushing about her beautiful baby when that should have been me too. Plus, no one bring their babies into the resident lounge. There are a lot of babies of residents in my department and this is the first time I have ever seen one in our lounge. It kinda felt like getting punched in the stomach and I still haven't completely recovered. Although, I am feeling better now that I've gotten it out.

1 week down

2011-07-20T14:49:00.000-07:00

So, how am I doing with my list? Well, I'm still staying away from heavy exercise, but I haven't made it out for a walk in a couple of days and I haven't started my daily yoga yet. I've been busy though with work. Plus, I'm standing more at work to try to burn some extra calories. I did a ton of laundry though this weekend, so I'm doing good there. Plus, I just heard that hula hooping is good for fertility, so I picked up a hula hoop and I plan on using it everyday!! I also made an appointment for an acupuncture class on August 1st. That way if I get pregnant this month, I can cancel it and if AF arrives (God, I hope not!), than at least I have something new to try for next month.

In other news, I just found out that another resident in my class is expecting a baby in January and another one of my classmates just had a baby today. Sometimes, I just get stuck in a rut thinking about why did I have to be the one to miscarry when every one else I know has gotten pregnant and had their babies or is pregnant now. And even if I had to have the miscarriage, why have I not been able to get pregnant again? Why? Why? Why?

I feel like I'm in infertile purgatory and I have no idea how to get out. Sorry, I'm just venting a little bit, but it's been a rough week so far.

In testing news, I took a test at 3dpo and 5dpt because I wanted to see what a positive pregnancy test looked like. It looks awesome, but not nearly as awesome as a positive pregnancy test would next week for me! I took another test today at 7dpo and 9dpt and got a very, very faint 2nd line, which is probably just the remains of the trigger. I'm planning on testing again in a couple of days to see if the lines getting lighter or darker, but who knows I might break down and test again tomorrow. As far as signs go, my temps look great and even climbed another 0.3 degrees this morning. I've also been having on and off again stomach cramps...they kinda feel like my ovulation cramps and kinda like a stomach ache, so I'm not really sure what that's about. I'm also bloated, have occasional nausea, very strange dreams, occasional headaches, and I think that's about it. I guess we'll see what the next week brings..

2 busy, productive, and fun-filled weeks...

2011-07-16T10:40:00.000-07:00

So fertility friend officially confirmed my ovulation on CD 16 with 3 days of high temps. I think I'll take a break from temping for the next 2 weeks, which I'm excited about. I'm still really excited that I ovulated on CD 16, which is so early for me!! It's also cool how well I know my body now because I had great fertile EWCM prior to ovulation and then for the past 2 days, I've had creamy CM which is means that I ovulated. On the other hand, I wish I didn't know my body this well and I lived in blissful, fertile ignorance. If knowing more about my body and cycles helps me get pregnant though it will all be worth it.
So, since I'm in the 2WW, I thought that I'd come up with some goals for the next 2 weeks, so that when this time period ends I can look back and say well at least I was productive, had fun, and relaxed.

1. Continue with my no heavy exercise plan. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be. I think mainly because if I can't be pregnant than I would like to be thin, but it's also been really nice giving my body a break this month.
2. Go for a walk every day!!
3. Eat more fruits and veggies! Eat less chocolate.
4. Organize and finish decorating the office...we've already built one bookshelf, but we have one more to do and then a lot of organizing.
5. Organize our outside storage shed and hang our bicycles inside.
6. Go to bed early!!
7. Study for work and attend all lectures.
8. Do yoga everyday...i started doing the short sections on Hulu, but i may need to invest in a good DVD. If you know any, let me know.
9. Keep up with laundry and keeping our house clean!
10. Be happy!!!

The nice thing about this list is that it will definitely keep me busy!! Have a great weekend!!
Thank you to everyone for the well-wishes and awesome positive comments on this cycle!!

1 DPO

2011-07-14T09:54:00.001-07:00

It begins again.

I'm in the 2WW and I'm not really sure how I'm feeling. I'm happy that this cycle has been moving so quickly and it's wonderful to ovulate on CD 16 instead of CD 22. Yea! Yesterday, Ovulation Day, I was expecting horrible cramps (the nurse told me to be on the look out), but I only had dull aching throughout the day. We bd'd the night of the trigger, 32 hours after the trigger, and 52 hours after the trigger or 18 hours after ovulation. I'm confident that we had excellent timing and I seemed to have excellent fertile CM, so I didn't need to use any preseed. All I can do now is wait, hope, and pray.

Dear God,
Please let this be the one we've been waiting for, our rainbow baby. On my end of things, I will strive to get the most out of every day of this 2ww and be happy and thankful for all the blessing that I do have.
Thanks for listening!

Ultrasound and Trigger!!

2011-07-11T14:13:00.000-07:00

Just got back from my ultrasound. They really have a good gig going there. I was only in the office for like 15 minutes and it cost me $225. Crazy, but hopefully worth it because my right ovary had 2 nice follicles measuring 19 and 20. Plus, my uterine lining was trilaminar (I think thats the word, but there were 3 layers) and thicker. So, we went ahead with the trigger shot. The nurse gave it to me, which was good because I don't think that my husband would have been able to do it. Now, I'm letting myself just get excited because I will ovulate in 36 hours, on CD 16 which will be the earliest that I have ever ovulated!! Plus, CJ and I will have perfectly timed BD'ing so that's good. I'm gonna try to stay happy, relaxed, and excited!! Here we go!!

Anxious and excited...

2011-07-11T10:43:00.001-07:00

Happy Monday.

No +OPK over the weekend or today, so I'm going in at 4pm for my CD 14 ultrasound. I'm nervous that my follicles didn't grow enough over the weekend and I really don't want to have to pay for another ultrasound. I'm also really excited because if my follicles are big enough than I will trigger tonight!! Only 2 more hours to be in suspense and I'll keep you posted. I have been having some twinges in my ovaries so hopefully something is growing in there (but not too many...lol!)

News

2011-07-08T14:21:00.000-07:00

Happy Friday. I'm not sad today, which is good and I have some reasons to be happy or at least kinda excited. Today is CD 11 (which also means it's another BD'ing day = Happy!) I had my mid-cycle monitoring ultrasound today. Here's what we saw.

My endometrial stripe was 5. He said that was a little on the thin side, but that it would get thicker over the next few days.

On my left ovary, there were a couple of follicles, but the largest was only 10.

On my right ovary, there were 2 nice, big follicles measuring 15mm. Since follicles grow about 2mm/day, he said that I should be ready to ovulate in 3 days, which is really exciting. Plus, I have 2 dominant follicles, so hopefully I'll have at least 2 changes to get knocked up or maybe twins. Then, he joked that we might be adding some conservative republicans to our family (since they are coming from the right...lol). It made me feel so good though to see my body responding to the meds and to hear the doctor talking about making babies from theses follicles.

Next step is LH-surge testing over the weekend. If no surge by Monday, then I'll have another ultrasound and get a trigger shot that night.

Speaking of the trigger shot. My doctor called it in to CVS, who then called me to say that it would be a $1500 prescription. Well, there is no way we can afford that so I did some calling around and found Freedom Fertility Pharmacy who will supply the meds by Monday for only $75. That is such a relief. I guess I won't be getting any new clothes for the summer though.

So, I guess I'm a little more hopeful today, but I still just want to be pregnant already and I'm worried how I will get through another arrival of AF. Only time will tell...

Happy Weekend!!

Sad today

2011-07-07T10:04:00.000-07:00

i'm not sure why but i'm sad today. maybe because its been a slow day at work. maybe because one of my co-worker's wife is 39.5weekss pregnant and due any day now and i really thought that i'd at least be pregnant by the time she delivered. i'm also starting to lose hope that i'll ever get pregnant again and have a healthy baby. i never imagined that it would take me this long after my miscarriage to pregnant again and there's no end in site. sorry for such a downer post but the purpose of my blog is to be able to vent these emotions and today i'm feeling hopeless. i just want to be pregnant again already.

July Already

2011-07-06T16:52:00.000-07:00

I haven't disappeared. I just changed to a new rotation and I'm getting used to the new hours and requirements. The best thing is that for the next 2 months no more call every 4th night, but on the downside my hours daily are a little worse and I have to work this weekend, which is a bummer.

I finished taking my clomid on Monday. This cycle around I'm doing it CD 3-7. I'm hoping that it's the lucky combination. Today is CD 9 and because of our schedules we are going to start the BD'ing every other day tonight. Normally, I would wait until CD 12-13, but since I took the clomid earlier, I might actually ovulate earlier and I don't want to miss the window. I don't know how I feel about this cycle. In many ways, I feel like its just not going to work out and I'm trying to be okay with that. Everything else is going so well with CJ and our new puppy and it's summer and I'm finally out of the PICU, so I'm actually happier and more relaxed than I have been in awhile. I'm also a little resigned to the fact that it's going to take more time to get pregnant. I got CJ to agree to 3 cycles with our RE before we take a break. We'll be paying out of pocket for the ultrasounds and IUI (if we do that next cycle) so we'll need to take breaks so that we can save up more money. I'm also moonlighting a little bit to try to make some extra money. Every little bit helps. I go in on Friday, CD 11, for my monitoring ultrasound. This will be my first ultrasound while I'm taking clomid, so I'm excited to see what's going on in there, but I'm nervous that my follicles will be too small or too many. I haven't talked about a trigger shot with my RE yet, but depending on the results from the ultrasound, maybe we'll get to try that this time around.

I'm already looking forward to ovulating (hopefully in the next 10 days) and moving on to the 2WW. I'm also trying one more new thing this cycle. No heavy exercise. I will be walking and doing yoga only. This may be kind of hard for me and I'm worried about gaining weight. I've been running and doing the Insanity workout program for the past couple of months and that hasn't worked, so this time I'm trying something different. I'm also trying to eat a little better (more fruits and veggies!)

I'm hoping that this really will be a lucky 7 for me, but I think I'll be okay if its not. I'm gonna try to take it one day at a time.

6 down...how many more to go...

2011-06-29T13:15:00.000-07:00

Today is CD 2. I was pretty upset yesterday. I really thought that this was our month...that we were going to get lucky on a break month after my HSG. Oh well. That marks 6 cycles of trying, 8 total cycles, and 10 months since my miscarriage. I really never thought that it would take this long to get pregnant again. I feel like I have been able to work past and through my grief from my miscarriage, but I just don't think I'll be complete and whole again until I get pregnant and have a baby. Let me tell you, I cannot wait until that time!! I still feel like its coming soon and the positive from last cycle was that I ovulated on my own.

This month, its a whole new ballgame. I'll be on clomid again, but this time CD 3-7 (so I start tomorrow!!) Then, its in for a CD 12 ultrasound which I have to pay for out of pocket (not fun at all) and then we'll see! I'm not really that hopeful this month, but I'm excited for the extra monitoring and who knows maybe I'll even get a trigger shot out of it and ovulate at a normal time instead of CD 19-22ish.

Cycle 7 here we come!!

My awesome weekend in bullet points.

2011-06-27T15:36:00.000-07:00

1. Left hospital at 10am on Friday morning and off for the entire weekend!!
2. Played with puppy all day until CJ got home from work and then we packed up and headed up to Pittsburgh!!
3. Stayed with one of my best friends from home.
4. Slept in until 10am (I really needed to catch up on sleep after my call). Then, Farmers Market on Saturday morning (where my friend works) where we had delicious chocolate milk, homemade perogies, and samples of goat cheese!!
5. Hanging out in the Strip District on Saturday afternoon.
6. Dinner in Shadyside at this really nice awesome asian restaurant where my best friend knew everyone. We had great appetizers, entrees, and desserts at a huge discount! Plus, another good friend from home met us for dinner. It was great to see him again and catch up. After dinner, we hit the street for a concert literally in the street before crashing back at my best friend's place. Such a fun day!
7. Slept in Sunday until 9am and then it was out the door for breakfast at Bruegers Bagels (I love Pittsburgh!).
8. Next, we tailgated at the Red Sox-Pirates baseball game and had a gourmet grilled lunch and played ladder ball. Plus, another one of our friend's from home (who we haven't seen in 3 years) met us for the game!
9. Into PNC Park for the Red Sox game and we won!! Plus, the weather was great (I did get a little sunburned though), I had some delicious dippin dots, and we had great seats!! So much fun!!
10. Back on the road and a return home and to our puppy!
It was just so nice being with friends from home (I am using the term home loosely here, but I did grow up with these friends at a summer camp and while I was growing up, I always considered camp my home.) I just feel so refreshed and relaxed and yes, actually happy. I'm worried that these good feelings will crash down once AF arrives this week and her arrival is close, but for now the weekend is exactly what I needed to recharge.
Also, I had a chance to talk to my twin sister on Friday for a long time and I think we cleared up some of our misunderstanding and worked out our communication difficulties. While the situation is not fixed, I feel much better about it and I feel like I can actually talk to her now. Plus, after my weekend in Pittsburgh, I'm still feeling so good, so I'm trying to extend that good feeling by reaching out to my sister. We talked again on the trip home yesterday and it was a pretty good conversation with less awkwardness. It's definitely an improvement!!

Now, I'm back on call in the PICU for one more night. I hope you all had a great weekend too!!

My Twin Sister

2011-06-23T14:51:00.000-07:00

I've mentioned my twin sister in previous posts, but I thought that I would do a more detailed post about her. It's sort of a vent, sort of just to get it off my chest, sort of to get some support. So, here goes.
My twin sister, let's call her Lil (as in little sister, since I'm the older twin), and I have been best friends for our entire lives with a small hiatus while we were in college and she was getting engaged without telling me. I supported her through a year of ttc when she was trying for her first baby and another year ttc when she was trying for her second baby. When I got my positive HPT, she was the first person I called and after we saw the ultrasound the revealed no heartbeat for my baby, she was the first person I called. When I had to have a second d&c, she flew up to see me because she said that I just sounded broken over the phone and she needed to be here for me. All year, she has been the person I called when I had a good day or a bad day, especially the bad days and most of the time I ended up sobbing over the phone to her. She was an amazing friend and sister this year.

She had her second baby last May. She stopped breastfeeding when he was 6 months old, so in November-December-ish. She told me that they weren't trying for another one right away because she was going to be starting grad school and her husband didn't have a job yet, and they wanted to save up some money and space out their kids a little bit. I remember very clearly the day in February when my sister called to tell me that she had her first PPAF and how she was disappointed that she wasn't pregnant, but she wasn't really trying, she assured me. Then all of March, I was consumed with my own ttc concerns and not pregnant once again, so I didn't stop to think about her cycle. Then, over the 2nd week in April, I realized that she had never told me that she got AF again. So, I called her, terrified, and asked her if she was pregnant. She tole me No, there was no way. I kind of believed her, but I guess I had a suspicion. Let's call it a twin thing. The following week, on a Wednesday night, she called me 4 times in a row before I checked my phone and I knew. When I called her back, we had a semi-normal conversation until she said, well, I wasn't feeling well last night and I threw up and then I thought about what you said, so I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive. My world crashed down. I burst into tears, hung up the phone, and started yelling for CJ. He came running down the stairs and after he realized who I had been talking to, he knew. He just sat me down and held me while I sobbed and hyperventilated and sobbed some more. I'm not really sure how I made it through the next day, but I do know that I had to leave work early because I started crying. The day after that, on Friday, after having horrible conversations with Lil and my mom, I decided screw them, I'm just going to be happy despite everything. From that day on, I worked incredibly hard to be happy and mindful.

It's just a hard situation because we're twins and it's hard not to compare. So, when I think about which twin should be pregnant now, I obviously think that it should be me. Don't I deserve it after my loss and after all I've been through? If one of us had to be pregnant now, why couldn't it be me? The sad thing is that she and my parents and my other siblings just don't get why this is so hard for me. I have tried to explain it to them, but every time I just end up in tears and they just don't get it. If anyone has any ideas for how to better explain where I'm coming from to my parents, please let me know. I'm open to any suggestions. I also don't really know the best way to handle my twin sister. We used to talk on the phone multiple times a day. Now, I call her once a day because I miss her and I don't want to totally cut off communication with her, but it's so hard to get through a conversation. I even managed to ask about her doctor's appointments and ultrasounds. I can't believe she is already 13 weeks and that she's due just before Christmas. Her husband made the comment that this was the worst possible time for Lil to get pregnant because they're moving to another state, Lil's starting grad school, and he doesn't have a job yet and they have 2 other kids under the age of 3. Seriously, why can't it be me that is 13 weeks pregnant and due around Christmas. What I wouldn't give to be living that dream!!

Most of the reason why I have made it through the past 2 months is because I have an amazing husband. Lil's husband still plays video games and doesn't help clean up around the house and doesn't help take care of the kids all the time, and is constantly causing Lil frustration. I, on the other hand, have a wonderful husband who is so very supportive and knows me so well. I also have more financial security, or at least I will once I pay off my loans. Also, with my losses and struggle ttc, I will never take my pregnancy or future babies for granted. It's kinda funny because Lil and I always talked about being pregnant at the same time and now we finally have the perfect setup for it. All I need to do is fulfill my end of the bargain and get knocked up.

Don't worry, I'm trying as hard as I can.

Blah...

2011-06-23T05:27:00.000-07:00

10 dpo today, which on one hand is awesome because I'm almost through the 2WW.

On the other hand, it's awful because I got a BFN this morning. I know what you're all thinking. "Why am I testing early after my chemical last month?" I'm not exactly sure, but I just had this overwhelming desire to know whether or not I am pregnant. I spent 15 minutes in bed prior to POAS praying for 2 lines on my test this morning. I'm sure God has a wonderful plan and his plan is best, but I really hope that this is the month that our plans agree. I have wanted to be pregnant again since the day I lost my first baby and it was been hard surviving these past almost 10 months without the realization of my hopes and dreams. I just can't understand why it hasn't happened for me yet. When is it my turn? I'm trying to relax because I'm sure that has something to do with it, but after having a miscarriage relaxing and not thinking about it are 2 things that are very hard to accomplish.

So, yea, I'm still feeling down and now I'm feeling like I'm out. I guess I'll just wait on AF to make her appearance next Monday or Tuesday. Sorry for the downer post this morning. It's nice to be able to vent about it. All I can do is try to make the most out of this day. We'll see how it goes. Please send some prayers my way.

Sick and feeling down

2011-06-21T19:00:00.000-07:00

A quick hello to everyone stopping in from ICLW. I'm gonna try to keep up with blogging and posting this week, but I've come down with a cold that has pretty much kept me on the couch or in bed whenever I'm not at work. I haven't been sick in a long time and I forgot how tough it is to get things done besides make it to work. I'm off to bed soon and hopefully, I'll be feeling better in the morning.

Just a quick cycle update, I'm 8dpo today. Wow, I can't believe that I'm already into the second week of my 2WW. Shh, don't tell CJ, but I decided to start testing early again at 6dpo and 8dpo and there was nothing there...just start white and one lonely line. I still feel like I could be pregnant this month, but I'm kinda losing hope at the same time. I think being sick has made it harder to stay positive.
Also, I had a conversation with my little 19 year old sister today in which she basically said that I was being selfish by not talking to my twin sister a lot since I found out that she's pregnant (oh yeah and she's 13 weeks pregnant already...I'm so jealous...and of course I can't talk to her a lot right now.) and that it's been almost a year since my miscarriage and I should be over it by now and everyone just wants to see me happy and maybe I'm not trying hard enough to be happy again and that even if I do get pregnant that won't fix everything that's wrong. That's basically the gist of our discussion today. As for me, I cried, told her I didn't agree and that she didn't understand at all, and waited for her to leave. It was painful. I know I'm rambling a little bit, but it was just so painful. I'm feeling better after spending some time with CJ and my puppy, but I can still hear her words echoing in my head. And I just want to clarify one thing...getting pregnant again and having my rainbow baby will without a doubt fix what's wrong with me. I don't doubt that for a second. I have put the rest of my life back together since my miscarriage and I'm doing pretty well with everything else right now, but I was broken last August 27th and I will be fixed when I finally succeed in making my rainbow and making my dreams come true.

Okay, now I'm off to sleep. If anyone has any extra baby dust, could you send it my way?!?

Predicting the Future

2011-06-20T04:50:00.000-07:00

Maybe the hardest thing about the 2WW is knowing that you either are or you're not and there's nothing you can do but wait for 14 days. In my quest to find some hope and help me to relax this time around, I consulted some experts aka online horoscopes and an online magic eight ball.

I was a little biased because I did a search for Aquarius horoscope, 2011, pregnancy. There were a few hits, but this is by far my favorite (and obviously the most true...lol!!)

The new moon, June 1, will boost both areas (creativity / matters related to children) If you are dating someone special, the solar eclipse of June 1 will bring a flow of tender emotions to the surface. (During this time, I was working really hard to be more romantic with CJ and less stressed about TTC) If you are single and not dating, you have an excellent chance of meeting your one true love in the weeks to come.
If you are already attached, a baby may well be part of the picture in the weeks or months ahead. You have some of the best planetary support possible for pregnancy, birth, and your relationship to your children. (By far my favorite part of the reading!! Let's face it I need all the support I can get!!) If you already have children and are worried about their welfare, you, too, will be in luck.

I also liked this reading a lot.

Although your sign can be pretty nomadic, you’re suddenly interested in settling down these days. That’s because on June 4th, lucky Jupiter pays a twelve-month visit to Taurus, your fourth house of home, family, and roots. Pregnancy and children are on the radar for the next year. We expect to see a slew of Aquarius celebrities on the “baby bump” list. If you’re trying to get pregnant or thinking of expanding your family, this would be a great time, as the fourth house rules motherhood. (YEA!!)

I also consulted the online magic 8 ball because I saw some other people post about it. Wow, it is so addicting and it's awesome because you can just keep asking different questions until you get the answer you want! Needless to say, it told me YES for my question about whether I would get pregnant this month and if I would have a baby in March or February.

I hope you all had a great weekend!!

Versatile Blogger Award

2011-06-17T20:18:00.000-07:00

I received The Versatile Blogger Award awhile ago from ♥ C at "Ready for my Baby Bump." I'm so excited to win this award, but after dealing with my chemical pregnancy last month, it took me alittle while to get back to it. I'm very new to blogging and IF/Loss world, so this was a great way to get started and help keep me motivated.

Thank you so much ♥ C and I'm so for the delay. Congratulations on your BFP!! I'm so excited for you and I wish you a very happy and healthy 9 months!!

As part of this award thing... you need to :

1. Link back to the person who gave you the award: See above.

2. Tell 7 things about yourself....

I met my husband when I was 13 years old at a summer camp. We then worked together as teenagers, hiked part of the Appalachian Trail together as friends, and started dating one magical summer when we both worked as directors at the same summer camp, and the rest is history.
I'm a doctor and I'm currently finishing my second year in residency. Only 2 more years left. I'm really lucky that I really love what I do at work, so despite the long hours, it's totally worth it.
I am a marathon runner. I have run 6 marathons at a decent 4:15-4:30 pace. I haven't run any recently because of this whole TTC business, but I'm really looking forward to getting back into with a jogging stroller and my baby inside.
I love science fiction and fantasy novels. Some of my favorites include The Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan, The Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind, Ender's game and the Ender and Shadow series by Orsen Scott Card, Harry Potter, The Hunger Games series, Twilight, The Iron Fey series, The Interview with a Vampire series by Ann Rice and more!!
My favorite thing to eat right now is frozen yogurt with gooey brownie topping or heath or Butterfingers topping. Last week, I went out for ice cream twice and it was awesome!!
I was an athlete growing up and played basketball and volleyball. I even played bball in college for a year before I got cut from the team. It was actually the best thing that could have happened because it helped me get into medical school and I started sailing. I sailed for 3 years in college and loved every minute of it even when it was freezing cold and we were just trying to keep our boat upright in the East River. (I went to college in NYC.)
I love to watch tv. I'm a pretty active person most of the time, but I really like curling up on the couch with CJ and watching tv in the evenings. My favorite shows are Survivor, Top Chef, Castle, How I Met Your Mother (which will be harder to watch now that Lilly is pregnant), Modern Family, The Office, and Parks and Recreation.

3. Award other bloggers... For the Versatile Blogger Award it's to 10 - 15 'recently discovered bloggers' and for the Stylish Blogger Award it's 10 - 15 blogs that 'you feel deserve this award'....

It has been wonderful to read these blogs and follow the author's stories! Their words have been inspiration and it's nice to follow along with people at all different stages of this bringing home a baby journey.

Congrats!!

1. Advo.cat at Advo.cat

2. Woman at http://createdfamily.com/

3. Sarah at Baby Talk
4. Lauren at Not Just an Army Wife
5. Karen at (Impatiently) Waiting
6. Jen at The Chronicles of Violetta Margarita
7. Lindsey at Waiting for that positive
8. Rebecca at Trying not to scream
9. Tillie at A Nuttier Life
10. Diana at Bunless in the Oven

4. Contact the recently awarded bloggers to let them know that they've won: I'm working on that now!! Good thing I have some time while I'm on call to work on this. It helps the time to go by faster on my 30 hour call. Then, you'll keep spreading the love to other blogs you love... just cover the 4 points above :)

It's Official!!

2011-06-17T13:58:00.000-07:00

Well, my temp continued to rise and so have my spirits. I know, very corny, but true. Fertility Friend confirmed it this morning. I'm officially 4 dpo. I also woke up today feeling like I got hit by a bus. I have a sore throat, muscle aches, chills, no fever, and nausea. Is it bad to be sick during the 2WW? Has this happened to anyone else? I guess there's nothing I can do about it anyways, so I'm going to try to be optimistic about this cycle now that I finally ovulated. My 2WW will end just as I hit the 10 month mark from my miscarriage. I'm not quite sure how to approach this cycle, so once again I'll make a list. This time I'll just stick with why this is the cycle that I get my BFP with a sticky rainbow baby that I bring home 9 months from now.

1. If I get pregnant this cycle, than I will be at the end of the 1st trimester when the 1 year anniversary of my first miscarriage rolls around at the end of August.

2. 2 baby psychics predicted that I would get pregnant this cycle. Chelsea said find out/conceive May or June 2011 and Ruby said give birth February or March 2012. These are 2 of the psychics that people seem to really like so I'm hoping their predictions are correct for me.

3. I had my HSG this cycle which hopefully opened everything up and made conception a little easier this month.

4. I'm on a break from Clomid so hopefully my cervical fluid was better and my lining more conducive to a good implantation.

5. My sister and I will be due only 2 months apart and we'll get to be pregnant together for 7 months!!

6. We finally got our puppy and it would be awesome to bring home our baby 9 months after getting our first puppy.

7. I tried to treat this cycle like a break!!

8. I ovulated on my own...that has to be good for something.

9. This is the same time of year that I got pregnant last year!!

10. Lots and lots of prayer!!

That's a pretty good looking list and I'm glad I'm sticking with just the positives for now. Well, I'm on call again in the PICU, so if I get a chance I'll try to post again later!! Happy weekend to everyone who's work day is winding down and has the weekend off. As for me, I can't wait until 10am tomorrow!!