Augh

So, I'm home on a mini-vacation today and before getting some work done I decided to venture on to facebook.  Big mistake...huge...(get it??  It's a quote from Pretty Woman)

Anyway, I just found out that another one of my co-workers' wife is pregnant and a college friend who just got married last year is very pregnant.  I'm still super pumped about starting IVF, but it's still hard to hear about new pregnancy announcements.

Augh, augh, augh...

One more day...

until my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork.  My appointment is 3:30pm tomorrow afternoon.  I cannot wait.  I'm nervous and anxious.  I just want to get the go ahead to start our IVF cycle.  Let's get this show on the road!!

At least there's lots of football to watch and laundry to be done in the mean time.

Speaking of which, last night we went out with friends for dinner and to watch the football games.  CJ and I aren't drinking in preparation for this IVF cycle and I knew that if I didn't order a drink my friends would immediately be suspicious that I was actually pregnant.  So, I ordered a water and then immediately said, and no I'm not pregnant, I'm just on a diet for my new years resolution, which I think explained it well.  I wish I could just tell everyone about IVF because I'm so excited for it, but on the other hand, I don't want a whole lot of people to know because I fee like that would add stress as well. It was a really fun night of hanging out and delicious food sans alcohol.

Hope you are all having a nice and relaxing weekend!!

Happy New Year!!

Well, I can't say that I am sorry to see 2011 end.  It's kinda funny because if you had asked me last year at New Years if I thought that I would not be pregnant or have a baby by January 1st, 2012, I would have said absolutely not.  I still in some ways cannot believe that I did not manage to get pregnant (except for that incredibly short lived chemical pregnancy) in 2012.  My sister on the other hand was living my dream.  She got pregnant and had a baby in 2011.  Maybe 2012 will be by year.  All I know for sure is that IVF will be a part of my 2012 year...and I'm so excited.  Only one week left until my baseline scan and pay day.  We're struggling a little bit to get the money together since all $20K is due next Monday and we'll have to dish out additional money for our drugs then too.  CJ is working frantically to get it all together, but I can tell that he's a little nervous too.  His parents graciously let us take out a loan from them and then check is in the mail.  We're cutting it a little close, but I think we'll be okay. 

I just wanted to update you on how things went with my family.  As many of you know, I struggled significantly with my sister being pregnant this year while I went through many failed treatment cycles.  I was so worried about what it would be like to see her over the holidays.  You know what?  It was great.  We're still best friends and I really did miss her this year.  It was great to see her and catch up and her new baby is beautiful.  It was great getting to hold that baby and see my other niece and nephew.  The best part was that she's no longer pregnant, which made it so much easier for me.  Now, I can only hope that I get and stay pregnant with my first before she gets pregnant again with her 4th.  I have about a 9-15 months before she'll probably be pregnant again, but at least for now, things are good. 

My new years resolutions are simple right now and vague because I don't know how much I can expect from myself with this upcoming IVF cycle and I want to give myself a break.  Basically, I need to study more, eat healthier, relax (relax, relax, relax) and clean my house.  I think I can manage that.  I'll try to come back with more specific goals, but we'll see. 

Thank you 2011 for teaching me more about patience and grief and jealousy and love than I could have ever asked for...patience for getting pregnant and having a baby, grief for not delivering a baby in March 2011, jealousy for my sister getting pregnant and having a baby, and love for my wonderful husband and soul mate.  Here's to a New Year!  Come on 2012...make our dreams come true!!

Advice

I totally forgot to ask in an earlier post, but is there anything I should be doing now before I start IVF in a couple weeks?  Any advice that you guys have would be greatly appreciated!!  Any suggestions for how to approach the first cycle or how to pass the time before stims start or how to keep stress at a minimum??

So, far I have cut out alcohol and caffeine.  Is there anything else that I need to be doing?

Thanks for your help and advice!!

The End of December...

The good news is that I'm doing much better than I was on Tuesday and Wednesday.  I over my failed Christmas miracle and I am full-on excited for IVF.  Today will be day #3 of BCP and Cipro (which is wrecking havok with my GI tract.)  I even have a widget on my phone that is counting down until January 9th at 3:30pm when we go in for my baseline scan and blood work and if all goes well, then I will start stims on the 14th.  It's so soon and so far away, but we have a lot planned in the next 2 weeks so I'm sure that it will do quickly!!

I have realized a couple of things this week.  Despite the fact that I was only able to get pregnant in 2010 and then lost that baby and then was unable to get pregnant in 2011, I am so much happier this year over the holidays than I was last year.  I really think that I am healing and I have my wonderful husband, my therapist, and my awesome followers (thank you so much for your wonderful comments.)  Who knows what 2012 will bring, but I'm excited!!

I am also so extremely grateful that we will be able to do IVF.  It's ridiculously expensive and we will be draining our savings account and taking out a $10K loan, but we are able to do it and I'm so thankful for that.  

Hurry up 2012!!  I'm so excited to see what the year brings!!

It Official...

We cannot get pregnant on our own.  I'm pretty depressed right now.  I tried to convince myself that I would just be so happy that we were getting to start IVF, but I held on to hope that maybe we would be one of the lucky couples that got pregnant the month before they started IVF.  Alas...AF arrived last night.  I guess even Santa Clause couldn't deter her.

So tonight I start BCP and begin a 14 day countdown until my monitoring ultrasound and empty our savings account day. 

I am excited and I'll be more excited, but I'm still a little sad and these cramps are just making things worse right now....

Bah humbug.

Bring out the checkbook...

After 2 days of cramping, I started spotting today and I'm sure AF will make her appearance momentarily.  I'm pretty bummed.  The cramps were helpful because I knew she was coming so I didn't get my hopes up, but I was hoping for a Christmas miracle of our own.  A miracle that would bring us a baby in 9 months, save us more than $20K, bring us so much hope and happiness going into the New Year, and so much more.  I'm trying to pray more and one phrase that has been on repeat in my head is 'not my plan, but yours (God's)' and I am trying to sit back and let God's plan happen, but I was kinda hoping his plan was for us to get pregnant on our own on the eve of starting IVF.  It just wasn't meant to be.

Now, I'm trying to get excited about IVF, but I need some time to get over yet another BFN and another arrival of AF. 

Note:  AF arrived the exact same time last year, 2 days after Christmas.  I really hate her!!