A Year Ago and A different lifetime...

First quick update....13 dpo today and still no testing!!  I pretty sure I'll be able to make it to next week without wasting anymore tests.  I definitely do not want to see another BFN and if AF doesn't arrive, then we'll see.

In other news, it was on Friday, August 27, 2010 that I found out about my missed miscarriage.  Later that day, I had my first d&c and within moments I was no longer pregnant.  I still remember the day so clearly and I thought that I would blog about it so that maybe I can free up my thoughts and let go a little bit.

So, it was a beautiful, sunny, hot August day.  I was on an easy cardiology rotation.  I went in for a couple of hours in the morning, but then I left around 11:00am because I had a doctors appointment.  I remember being so excited for my appointment and the weekend and to be 10 weeks.  Before my appointment, I met CJ for lunch.  We ate outside.  I had a chicken curry sandwich (but I saved half of it for later) and we split a side of pasta salad.  It was so much fun.  Then, we headed home so I could pack really quickly before we went to my appointment because I was supposed to be on an amtrak train to New York City after my appointment.  Then, we headed to the doctors office.  I remember sitting in the waiting room and talking with CJ about whether or not we wanted to find out the sex and we couldn't agree.  He wanted to find out and I kinda wanted to be surprised but it was just a fun, happy, light conversation.  I remember being so happy.  Then, we went back to the room.  We talked to the nurse.  My weight hadn't changed at all, but that was to be expected.  Then, my doctor came in the room and we talked for a little bit and then she got me up on the table.  She put a doppler on my belly and searched for the heart beat.  A couple of times she said, I think that's it there, but she never got a strong beat, but she said that could be normal since I was only 10 weeks and the baby could be hiding behind the placenta.  So, then she turned on the ultrasound machine and placed it on my belly.  I remember in the moment before she did that how excited I was to see my baby and I looked over at CJ and his face was pure happiness and he had a huge giddy smile.  Then, the probe went on my belly and I looked up at the screen to see a baby that looked a lot bigger than it had at 6 weeks, but then my doctor asked "how far along are you again?"  I said 10 weeks and she said "this doesn't look like 10 weeks, it only looks like 8 weeks and I can't see a heartbeat.  My world was forever changed in that moment.  The very thing that I had feared so much had come true.  My baby was gone.

What followed was endless tears, difficulty sleeping, 2 surgeries, waiting for 5 weeks to get AF again, then waiting another cycle until we could try again, taking provera to finally get my 2nd AF, then so many BFN, more tears, more waiting, 5 cycles of clomid, one trigger shot, roughly $500 for to our RE (with a lot more to go), acupuncture, hula hooping, baby aspirin, 2 huge bottles of prenatal vitamins, a lot of baby dancing and laying around with my hips up afterwards, an 8 week mindfulness class, more tears, feeling lonely, missing my baby, passing his/her due date to get me to where I am today...which is still not pregnant and childless.  I've come along way in so many other ways, but in the one that's most important to me, I still haven't been able to succeed in my goals.  Maybe by next year at this time I'll be pregnant or have a baby, but I really just don't know because the reality is that I might be right here again.  I'm sad today.  I really thought that this was going to be such a different year.  Now, I'm just trying to be hopeful about the future, but that's a little harder today.

Thanks for listening.  I'm glad I got that out.  Tomorrow is the actual anniversary so we'll see how it goes.