Medication Mishap...kinda...

This morning, I woke up early, started my car, got ready for work, jumped in my warm car, and headed off to work on time.  I was feeling really good until I pulled into the garage and realized that I forgot to take my femara.  Opps.  So, I called CJ and asked him to drop it off at work.  I woke him up because it was only 5:45 am this point.  If I ever had any doubts, I now know without a doubt that my husband loves me and is the best man in the whole world.  He scraped the ice off his car and drove to the hospital where I ran out to meet him, downed my 2 little pills, kissed him, and then we went our separate ways! 

Gotta love all the crazy things we do to make a baby!!

I'm back!

Sorry for the unannounced break from blogger.  I decided to keep myself busy with yoga and work and trying to live my life again last month.  I have to say that it was a great month.  I thought that the time away would help me find myself again since sometimes I feel like I'm losing it (literally) in this whole struggle.  Well, I think I was successful with those goals.  I'm feeling better about myself and about the whole infertility situation.  I also was really hoping to come back on here and announce my BFP, but alas...AF arrived yesterday and today is CD 2.

I had my baseline ultrasound yesterday and it showed that the cyst on my left had completely resolved but now I had a new cyst on my right, likely a corpus luteum cyst from where I ovulated.  I really thought that I was going to have to sit out another cycle when the doctor said, well I guess you just like to make these big corpus luteum cysts and I think we can go ahead with treatment this month.  YEA!!!  So, I start month 2 of femara tomorrow morning (after spending $186 on filling my prescription last night.)

I have a new plan for this month that only involves positive thinking.  Every day I'm going to tell myself that this is the month that I will get pregnant and I'm going to believe that.  Let's face it even when I try to tell myself that it isn't going to work, I'm still crushed when AF arrives.  So, this is it.  This is the month that I get my BFP.  Here we go!!

More bad news...

Well, I had my CD3 ultrasound today.  My right ovary looked good with a few antral follicles.  But my left ovary decided to hold on to the corpus luteum this time around.  Yep, I have a 3cm corpus luteum cyst on my left ovary and just like that there will be no femara or IUI this time around.  My options were birth control so that I could definitely get my next period in 4 weeks, provera (start taking it in a couple of weeks), or nothing and try naturally.  I just couldn't handle the idea of not trying this month, so we are going to go at it the old fashioned way.  I left the office in tears, but I went to a hot yoga class right afterwards and that always relaxes me and cheers me up.  So, I bought an unlimited monthly pass.  That's right, I'm tired of being a sad, depressed, not-pregnant, infertile woman who's always on the brink of tears. That stops today.  Now, I'm officially a Yogi!!  Let's see how many classes I can get to in the next 31 days!!  I can't wait!!

Plus. all this stretching has got to be good for BD'ing!!

Hanging my a thread...

I'm sorry I haven't been around recently and haven't really participated in ICLW.  I needed a break from blogger and I was trying to get on with my life in the hopes of having a really happy BFP post this weekend.  No such luck.  AF arrived this morning.  Just in time for me to go to work for another call shift of 30 hours.  And I thought that I was sad before.  Now, I'm just kind of numb alternating with depressed, angry, and frustrated.  Why can't we get pregnant again???  It just doesn't make any sense and it just plain sucks.

I have another metaphor for this whole miscarriage and trying to conceive after loss thing.  After my miscarriage last year, I was thrown a life line, a metaphorical rope of support from family and friends and of hope that I would get pregnant again soon and have a rainbow baby.  Every cycle that has passed since then has frayed the rope.  I feel like I'm hanging by threads at this point.  I'm not really sure what to do about it except cling to those threads and go forward with another femara/IUI cycle.  This time, I'm determined to time everything perfectly even if it means using my precious sick days if needed.

Here's what I'm thinking the plan will be.  First step, CD 3 ultrasound on Monday.  (So, the plan might change after that.)  Then femara again CD 3-7.  Monitoring ultrasound either CD 10 or 11 (since CD 13 was obviously too late last month.)  Trigger shot.  IUI #2.  Struggle through another awesome/fun 2WW.  I'm also going to ask about injections since I only had one follicle on femara and maybe we just need more targets.

Wow, this really sucks and the worst part is that I really feel like my prayers are falling on deaf ears and I'm not sure what the point is anymore.  I haven't gone to church in a month and I'm not sure that I can bring myself to go back until I'm pregnant again.  I feel like I've been abandoned since my miscarriage last year.  Why did my sister have to get pregnant (for the 3rd time) and not me?  Why is everyone else that I work with or on facebook or even on these blogs able to get pregnant?  The big question is what am I going to do about it and at this point, I'm going to try to make it through my call today and my 2 more calls this week and then we'll see.  Right now, I just need to not cry while I'm at work...but that's not really going so well now...

So sad today...

Well, here I am back at work and on-call for another 9 more hours.  I've been thinking about writing this post all day, but now in the wee hours of morning while I'm waiting to accept a patient I finally have some time.  I may ramble and vent a little bit, but I'll plan that on the sleep deprivation.

 

So, for the past couple of months, I've been telling myself and my family and friends that I'm fine whenever they ask.  Some days, that's true, some days I'm better than fine (like when I was doing hot yoga or the day of my IUI when I was feeling downright good), and some days I'm feeling a whole lot worse than fine...like today.  For some reason, ever since yesterday afternoon I have been feeling really sad, down, depressed, jealous, frustrated, etc.  I'm sure that has made me a lot of fun to work with but I'm actually pretty good at putting on a good face at work even though I'm really sad.  I think I can attribute my sadness/depression to a couple of different things, so now it's time for a list.

 

1.  I need new and better friends.  I started re-watching episodes of sex and the city.  What I love most about the show is the amazing friendship between the 4 women.  I want that so badly and I realized that I just don't have any friends who completely measure up.  Before her most recent pregnancy, Lil was my best friend who I could call at anytime, but I can't do that anymore. It's just too hard to talk about my follicle ultrasounds when she's going in for ultrasounds of her 3rd baby to be.  I also had amazing support from friends both near and far when I had my miscarriage last year.  There was rarely a day that went by that I didn't hear from someone checking in on me or asking me if I wanted to grab dinner or get together.  That's just not the case this year.  I'm having a harder time reaching out to my friends and they probably don't realize how much I'm struggling.  I have tried to talk to my closest friends and I just always leave the situation or conversation feeling like they just don't get it.  So, I try not to talk about it and I feel so lonely.  That's how miscarriage and infertility have changed me the most by making me feel lonely and isolated despite trying to reach out.  Now, I'm on the quest for an infertility support group close to me or at least some new friends.  I'm looking for a Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha.

 

2.  I miss my family, but I feel let down by them.  I have a wonderful family and I'm blessed to have amazing parents, a fun little brother and sister, and my wonderful twin sister who I love so much and who I just can't talk to very much anymore.  I've gone through these phases where I miss my family so then I try to tell them about things that are going on and then they just come back with you need to see a therapist and what's wrong with you and it's been over a year so you should be over your miscarriage and you might never have children.  I've heard all of that from them over the summer and I just don't want to go through that again, so I'm pulling away and I'm sad. 

 

3.  The 2WW is really tough.  I've gone through 8 of these before and each time I was very optimistic, searching for signs (creamy CM, sore boobs, nausea, headache, cramps, food aversions) that this was my lucky cycle and each time AF has come and crushed me.  Now, I'm feeling hopeless and crushed in advance of her arrival.  I know that even if she comes we'll do another cycle with femara and IUI and the timing looks like it will work out really well since I'll have a 3 day weekend right around ovulation.  I just can't help but be sad and feel defeated.  Every month, I have tried to be optimistic, to practice mindfulness, to be happy, to relax, to exercise more, to not exercise, to hula hoop, etc and it just hasn't worked...so why should this cycle be any different.  I'm not ready to throw in the towel and I don't think I can take a break now because I want a baby so badly, but it's definitely getting harder and my coping mechanisms during the 2WW need an overhaul.  I'm near-tears right now just thinking about AF's arrival and I'm nervous that when she does show her face because she inevitably will it will completely crush me and I won't be able to bounce back or get out of bed. 

 

4.  I just want to be pregnant already.  I want my life back.  It was hijacked last year on August 27th and I want it back.  I've been working at picking up the pieces for the past year, but I'm missing the most important piece and I'm not sure how to complete the puzzle without it.  (Wow, that was a bunch of different metaphors all thrown in there!)  I want to stop thinking about my CM and ovulation cramps and paying out of pocket for fertility meds and procedures and not drinking alcohol and not exercising and drinking more water and googling every little thing.  I want to be able to study without my mind wandering frequently to am I pregnant now or will it work this cycle.  I want to be able to post about my BFP and my first ultrasounds and making it out of the first trimester and eventually posting the birth story of my patient.  Here's another metaphor.  TTC for me has been like a marathon.  Now, I've run a couple of marathons in my day (I ran my last one several months before we first started TTC and I haven't wanted to train for one since then in case it affected my TTC efforts.)  There's a big difference between my journey so far and running a marathon.  At least when you run a marathon, you know where the finish line is.  It's always at 26.2 miles.  So, when you hit the wall at mile 20, you just keep running because you are only 6.2 miles aways from the finish line and each step you take is bringing you closer to the finish line.  Well, I've hit the wall in my TTC journey, but I have no idea where the finish line or if I'm even getting closer to it.  So, I just keep running, but I'm getting tired and weary and I have no idea how I'm going to hang on.  I know that I will hang on because crossing the finish line and holding my baby in my arms one day will be worth every single second of loneliness and frustration that this year has brought me. 

 

If you have made it to this point in the post, I just wanted to thank you for listening.  As you can see, I don't really have anyone IRL who I can vent like this too. Thanks for letting me get this out.  If you have any extra baby dust or buckets full of baby dust, please send it my way!!

1dpIUI

It's so funny writing those initials because I never thought that I would get here, but here I am 1 day past IUI and 2 days into my 5 days of pineapple core smoothies.  We'll see how it goes.  I'm trying to be hopeful/optimistic this month, but it's kinda hard because I'm pretty sure we missed ovulation with the IUI.  We BD'd before though so our bases were covered, but I think I would be feeling a lot better if we had done the IUI on Saturday.  Now, I'm just trying to get over that, "Augh, I should've done that" feeling and move on.  CJ is on board with another IUI.  I think he's so please with himself and his sperm count that he's willing to do it all again.  lol.

I'm back on-call and trying to get some work done, but I just keep googling IUI, femara, BFP, Pineapple core, etc.  Either that or shopping online.  17 more hours until I can go home and sleep and I can't wait!!

Oh yeah and I lost a follower today, which kinda makes me sad.  I was hovering at 22 and now I'm down to 21.  I hope you all don't leave because it's been so helpful and awesome to read your comments!!

First IUI

Let me just say that it was a great experience.  I love my new RE's office and the doctors and nurses are all awesome.  I really hope this works and it's hard to imagine it not working.  The doctor reassured me that even though I had a large follicle it is unlikely that I ovulated before 36 hours with the trigger shot and even if I did since we deposited the sperm right at their target then I would still be okay.  CJ did great too.  His post-wash count was 75 million!!!!!  He was so proud of himself.

Next step is progesterone check next week and then followup ultrasound in about 2 weeks to begin the next cycle if I'm not pregnant.

I was thinking about how awesome it would be if we conceived today.  10 years ago today I was going to my first day of classes at college in New York City and so many lives were lost that day. 10 years later we are hopeful that one life was created today!!

Now, on to the 2ww.  I think we'll BD tonight and tomorrow just for fun and I'm gonna start eating some pineapple core today for the next 5 days.

I hope you are all having a happy weekend!!  Thank you so much for your well-wishes and support!!