Zero...

The embryologist called my husband at work today and updated him on our remaining embryos.  (They had my phone number wrong somehow.)  The result...nothing to freeze.  I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty sad about it.  I just had this idea that I would go through this cycle, have a lot of healthy eggs retrieved, have a lot of fertilized embryos to work with, make it to a 5dt, and have some frozen blasts for our 2nd try if needed.  That's not really how the cycle went at all though.  I'm sad that we lost our 6 embryos and I'm nervous about what that means about the 2 embryos that we transferred.

On the other hand, I made it to retrieval, had 12 eggs retrieved, 7 fertilized with dish insemination only, 8 made it to day 3, and we transferred 3 beautiful 8-cell embryos with minimal fragmentation and here I am already 3dp3dt.  I am so thankful for that.

I will say that this 2WW has the making of being incredibly hard on me.  I'm just not sure how I'm going to make it to February 10th (which will be 13dp3dt) which seems very late.  I'm going to try to hold off on testing, but I do have a bunch of ovulation tests at home just sitting around and 2 digital pregnancy tests.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to need CJ to hide them from me, especially since I took one of the ovulation tests today just to make sure that the trigger was no longer in my system and sure enough, I got a negative.  Now, I just have to make sure that I don't test again, but I have well over a week to wait and it's going to be hard.

I'm also having a hard time deciding to how I feel about this cycle.  On one hand, this is the best shot that we have had a pregnancy since we first got pregnant in July 2010...a very long time ago.  I have every reason to believe that this will work.  I can imagine it.  February 10th dawns and I head over to the clinic for my first time in 2 weeks when they open at 8am.  They draw blood from the big vein in my left arm, say good luck, and I head back home.  Then, I get ready to go to work at 11am.  I'm on-call that day so I'm not sure when I'm going go get out, but at some point in the evening, I get relieved and head home.  I get home and with CJ there at my side, I call the results message service.  I type in the numbers that will bring me to my messages, and the nurse says, "Congratulations!  You're pregnant!"  And I have a nice high beta!!  I feel like I'm so close to that fairy tale ending and yet so far away because the very opposite could be the reality.  The crazy and hard thing is that there is nothing that I can do about it except try to relax.

I'm going to try to face the rest of this 2WW with a restrained optimism.  At least, if I believe that it worked then I will feel better for the next 10 days while I'm waiting and I won't have wasted this time being sad before I even heard the news.  The other reassuring thing is that we have another 3 cycles as part of our success-guarantee program so if it doesn't work, we can just try again.

So, there is hope and there is so much longing...hope for a pregnancy in the works, hope to finally get another BFP, and a desperate longing to finally bring my rainbow baby(ies) into the world.