12 DPO

First, I have to say that I love having an anonymous blog.  It's so nice to have a place to write about my loss and TTC and everything in between.  It's also therapeutic and I actually feel better after blogging...lighter and relaxed.  When I started this blog, I had my husband try to find it online. I wanted to make sure that my family or friends in real life wouldn't be able to find this.  He couldn't find it, so I think I'm safe!  I hope so.

There is another huge bonus to having this blog and this is why I'm so glad that it's anonymous. CJ and I have had 9 months to talk about what we would do if we found out that we were pregnant again.  We decided that this time around we would keep it a secret until I was in my 2nd trimester/I'm showing.  With our first pregnancy, I told my twin sister on the day I tested and I told my parents the very next day.  We told CJ's parents a day later and I can still remember hearing the excitement in my MIL's voice.  We don't want to do that again.  This time we want it to be our secret until we're much further along.  Then, we will have a great surprise for all of our family and friends that we'll be having a baby in only 5 months.  We also talked about when we want to go in for ultrasounds this time around.  Since I work at the hospital and have great health insurance (one of the perks of being a resident), I'm sure that I could go in for another ultrasound whenever I wanted.  Last time, we had our first ultrasound at 6w1d and saw our beautiful little bean with a strong heartbeat only to lose him or her 4 weeks later.  Next time around, I'm thinking about waiting until 7-8 weeks for my first scan...that way if we see a good heartbeat it will be a little more reassuring.  I don't know.  I'm kinda rambling here.  I can barely type this so I guess I'll start at the beginning.

Monday night I was on-call and pretty busy with cases in the OR until 2am when I got to go home.  All night I had been having occasional pinpoint cramping/tenderness in my lower abdomen and I couldn't help but think that it was implantation cramping.  Tuesday morning (11dpo) I took a HPT with FMU and it was another stark white, clear-as-day BFN.  I was pretty down during the day.  I would keep testing, but I started to prepare myself for seeing the RE early next week when I started my next cycle.  Then, yesterday afternoon I worked out and took a shower and for some reason decided to POAS again.  I don't know what came over me.  I set the stick down on the counter and finished getting ready for my class.  5 minutes later I glanced at the stick, obviously expecting another BFN.  Lo and behold, there was a second line there...very, very faint, but within the time frame.  I yelled for CJ to come to the bathroom.  I think he thought that I had seriously injured myself so he came running and I showed him the stick.  He confirmed that there was a line there and I almost started crying.  By this point, I was almost late for my class, so I had to run.

So, there you have it.  2 lines (one very, very, very faint) and a BFP on the evening of 11dpo.  WOW!  I'm on the road to rainbow making and I'm so grateful, so happy, and definitely still in shock.

This morning, I took another test, still very, very faint, but definitely still there.  I'm trying not to get excited yet, because I know that this could still all end in a chemical or another miscarriage.  I'm going to take this one day at a time and I will be thankful for every single day that I am pregnant.  I don't even know if I want to have beta's checked.  I think I will keep POAS until the line gets nice and dark and then let my doctor know and see what she says.

I'll post some pictures as soon as the line gets a lot darker!!  Stay tuned.