Weekend Ramblings...

Chemicals suck. 

They really do.  Maybe because this one caught me by surprise, but the past 2 days have been really hard.  Looking back at my post where I listed why this was or wasn't my cycle for a BFP, it's funny because actually that's what happened...this was and it wasn't my cycle since I ended up getting a BFP, but it was over basically before it began.  Now, I'm still waiting on AF and for the first time this year, I hope she comes soon since I already know that there's no bean cooking right now.  That's why it was nice waiting for AF without testing because then I had hope up until AF started and then after she started at least it was already CD1 and I could start hoping for the next cycle. 

I know I'm kinda rambling, but I just wanted to get this out so that I'll start to feel better.  My blog really is becoming my therapy. So, here's the run down of my sad weekend.  I'm kinda venting and this post might be pretty long.   

Since I was stuck at work until 7am on Saturday, I didn't get a chance to see CJ (and be comforted by him until then) so I struggled all night after getting my beta back to hold back my tears ( I really hate crying at work.)  As I was driving home, I lost it and crawled into bed sobbing.  I was just so sad that we had lost another baby, another chance for hope.  My poor husband to wake up to a crying wife, but he was great and helped me to feel a little bit better so I could get a little sleep. 

After a brief nap, we headed on a 3 hour road trip to pick up our 8 week old puppy.  His name is Ender (from Ender's Game by Orsen Scott Card).  He's an adorable, tricolor, Cavapoo and we are in love.  It was a tough day introducing Ender to us and his new home, but he did great.  Then, as we sat outside waiting for him to do his business I realized that Ender's birthday, March 17th was right around when I would have had my angel baby.  So our puppy is exactly as old as our baby would have been.  It's nice in a way because now we do have a new member of our family, but I'll be honest when I say that I would trade my puppy in a heartbeat for a baby.

On Sunday morning, I tried to talk to my twin sister.  I realized that I missed her and I was sad that we hadn't spoken in a week, but I knew it would be hard.  It was.  She just sounds so happy on the phone and I'm so not happy that it's such a striking difference.  We chatted for awhile and I tried to talk to her about why it was so hard for me talk to her now that she's pregnant again.  She doesn't really get it though and I don't blame her.  She's never been through a loss.  Every time she's seen a +HPT it has led to a baby.  I've seen 2 +HPT now and I have nothing by heartbreak to show for it.  I'm worried that this will affect our friendship (and I know that it will), but I really don't want to lose her.  She's my best friend.  So, I tried asking her about her pregnancy.  Turns out she's 8 weeks.  She saw the baby at 6 weeks with a flickering heartbeat on ultrasound.  Her next appointment is at the 11 week mark.  She's due right before Christmas.  She's feeling morning sickness and really picky with food.  Then I just had to tell her that that was enough for one day.  I don't know if the conversation helped at all.  I just started crying afterwards again.  I told you it was a sad weekend. 

Now, I'm back at work for another night shift.  I miss CJ, but he's at home taking care of the puppy and they're having a blast.  Plus, work is pretty slow right now, so I have some time to catch up on my blogging and read all the wonderful comments from all of you from ICLW.  It made me feel a lot better reading every one's comments on my Seriously post.  Thank you for reading, for your support, and for your encouragement.  This is my first time taking part and I'm a big fan.  It will give me something to look forward to every month and help me to meet more people who actually really do understand. 

I really do feel better now.  Thanks for reading.  I'm gonna try to get some reading and commenting done on a few other blogs before I get paged to do any work.