Breakdown

Breakdown

I guess it was inevitable.  In my quest for a nice, relaxed, break cycle and trying to keep my thoughts and feelings more bottled up, I should have known that I wouldn't be able to keep it all together for a month.  So, here's what happened.  Yesterday, CD 19 started out like any other day.  I woke up, used my 2nd to last OPK, saw that it was negative, hurried to let the new puppy out, went to work.  It all started with that blank open circle on the OPK though.  CD 19 is when I always got my +OPK when I was on Clomid and I think I was really just hoping that my body would remember what it used to do and keep on the same cycle.  No such luck. 

Then, I spent a day at work at midst pregnant nurses and babies feeling sorry for myself.  I have also been pretty unhappy about the way I look, so I decided that I needed to work out before heading out for a reception and dinner event with my department at work to celebrate the graduating senior residents.  I had been looking forward to this for awhile, but then just yesterday I started to feel a little nervous because I hadn't hung out with any of my friends from work in a little while and I'm not as good in social situations since my miscarriage.  Also, one of the residents in my department was my closest friend at work last year and we both got pregnant at the same time last summer.  I was one week behind her.  Now, I'm over a year behind her and she has a beautiful 3 month old son and I can barely look at her, let alone talk to her.  She was going to be at the party, so that was making me a little nervous too. 

CJ and I got to the party fashionably late and started hanging out with our friends.  Then, it was time to sit down for dinner and who should sit next to us, but my former friend and her husband, right next to CJ.  A couple of my other friends made up the rest of the table, but it was still awkward for me and a little sad.  She was very friendly and asked us all kinds of questions about our puppy, etc, but it was definitely a one-sided because I really just don't think that I'm ready to ask her about her baby and hear about him.  It's just too painful because we really aren't friends anymore (which is sad) and I want what she has and what I lost.  The worst part is that as soon as the evening was over I regretted my behaviour.  I don't know how I could have acted any differently, but I wish I could have been my happy carefree nicer former self.  (And sometimes I'm not quite sure how I can get back to being that person, instead of this sadder version.)  Of course, the dinner sent me spirally down into feeling sorry for myself and sobbing on the way home and in bed once we got home.  CJ finally called me out and he was right.  I was just feeling sorry for myself.  I know that life's not fair and that there are a lot of worse things out there than what I am going through, but it's hard to be strong and positive and optimistic all the time.  It felt good to cry it out though.  I mean sob it out to the point where my eyes were puffy and my head hurt when I woke up this morning.  

Of course, I pulled myself together in time for us to BD before I passed out for the night. 

This morning dawned hot and humid and before I knew it I was at work, exhausted, for my 30 hour ICU shift.  I didn't take my last OPK this morning because I knew that I couldn't face another blank circle.  I'm gonna test tomorrow when I get home from my shift and give it one last chance to show me the smiley face!!  I'm not that optimistic, but I can hope.  I also woke up feeling a little emotionally refreshed and ready to be happier, positive, more social.  Maybe I should just schedule weekly cries to get it all out.

I hope you all are having a great weekend and not working!!  Speaking of work, I better get back to it.