My Twin Sister

I've mentioned my twin sister in previous posts, but I thought that I would do a more detailed post about her.  It's sort of a vent, sort of just to get it off my chest, sort of to get some support.  So, here goes.
My twin sister, let's call her Lil (as in little sister, since I'm the older twin), and I have been best friends for our entire lives with a small hiatus while we were in college and she was getting engaged without telling me.  I supported her through a year of ttc when she was trying for her first baby and another year ttc when she was trying for her second baby.  When I got my positive HPT, she was the first person I called and after we saw the ultrasound the revealed no heartbeat for my baby, she was the first person I called.  When I had to have a second d&c, she flew up to see me because she said that I just sounded broken over the phone and she needed to be here for me.  All year, she has been the person I called when I had a good day or a bad day, especially the bad days and most of the time I ended up sobbing over the phone to her.  She was an amazing friend and sister this year.

She had her second baby last May.  She stopped breastfeeding when he was 6 months old, so in November-December-ish.  She told me that they weren't trying for another one right away because she was going to be starting grad school and her husband didn't have a job yet, and they wanted to save up some money and space out their kids a little bit.  I remember very clearly the day in February when my sister called to tell me that she had her first PPAF and how she was disappointed that she wasn't pregnant, but she wasn't really trying, she assured me.  Then all of March, I was consumed with my own ttc concerns and not pregnant once again, so I didn't stop to think about her cycle.  Then, over the 2nd week in April, I realized that she had never told me that she got AF again.  So, I called her, terrified, and asked her if she was pregnant.  She tole me No, there was no way.  I kind of believed her, but I guess I had a suspicion.  Let's call it a twin thing.  The following week, on a Wednesday night, she called me 4 times in a row before I checked my phone and I knew.  When I called her back, we had a semi-normal conversation until she said, well, I wasn't feeling well last night and I threw up and then I thought about what you said, so I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive.  My world crashed down.  I burst into tears, hung up the phone, and started yelling for CJ.  He came running down the stairs and after he realized who I had been talking to, he knew.  He just sat me down and held me while I sobbed and hyperventilated and sobbed some more.  I'm not really sure how I made it through the next day, but I do know that I had to leave work early because I started crying.  The day after that, on Friday, after having horrible conversations with Lil and my mom, I decided screw them, I'm just going to be happy despite everything.  From that day on, I worked incredibly hard to be happy and mindful.

It's just a hard situation because we're twins and it's hard not to compare.  So, when I think about which twin should be pregnant now, I obviously think that it should be me.  Don't I deserve it after my loss and after all I've been through?  If one of us had to be pregnant now, why couldn't it be me?  The sad thing is that she and my parents and my other siblings just don't get why this is so hard for me.  I have tried to explain it to them, but every time I just end up in tears and they just don't get it.  If anyone has any ideas for how to better explain where I'm coming from to my parents, please let me know.  I'm open to any suggestions.  I also don't really know the best way to handle my twin sister.  We used to talk on the phone multiple times a day.  Now, I call her once a day because I miss her and I don't want to totally cut off communication with her, but it's so hard to get through a conversation.  I even managed to ask about her doctor's appointments and ultrasounds.  I can't believe she is already 13 weeks and that she's due just before Christmas.  Her husband made the comment that this was the worst possible time for Lil to get pregnant because they're moving to another state, Lil's starting grad school, and he doesn't have a job yet and they have 2 other kids under the age of 3.  Seriously, why can't it be me that is 13 weeks pregnant and due around Christmas.  What I wouldn't give to be living that dream!!

Most of the reason why I have made it through the past 2 months is because I have an amazing husband.  Lil's husband still plays video games and doesn't help clean up around the house and doesn't help take care of the kids all the time, and is constantly causing Lil frustration.  I, on the other hand, have a wonderful husband who is so very supportive and knows me so well.  I also have more financial security, or at least I will once I pay off my loans.  Also, with my losses and struggle ttc, I will never take my pregnancy or future babies for granted.  It's kinda funny because Lil and I always talked about being pregnant at the same time and now we finally have the perfect setup for it.  All I need to do is fulfill my end of the bargain and get knocked up.

Don't worry, I'm trying as hard as I can.