Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Making a list...and checking it twice!

I'm not talking about a wish list for Santa either.  Nope, I'm talking about a checklist of things to get done before we can start our first IVF cycle.  Yesterday, CJ moved us one step closer by doing his seman analysis.  I'm always so proud of him for going and doing this terribly awkward thing and never complaining and just getting it done!  We'll find out the results on Friday when we both go in for our talk and my saline hysterosalpingogram and mock transfer.  Then, we'll have a couple more things checked off and I can't wait!!

Saturday, November 26, 2011


Here's a poem that one of my IRL friends who went through miscarriage, infertility, and finally pregnant from IVF shared with me.  I think I'm just going to have to keep reading it as I embark on this next step on our journey. 

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss
and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. 

I will be better not because of genetics, or money, or that I have read more books
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. 

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every
day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I
can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop
another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with
which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be
careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better
daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. 

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.  I have been tried by fire
and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. 

I have prevailed. 

I have succeeded.

I have won. 

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself
discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.  And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the
immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they
learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion
that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Author Unknown

Friday, November 25, 2011

IVF here we come!!

So, here's the plan. 
1.  December:  No meds this month and pre-IVF testing including saline hysterosalpingogram (or something like that), mock transfer, and special IVF seman analysis for CJ

2.  January (hopefully):  Start my next cycle.  Go in CD 3 for Day 3 labs including FSH, LH, ect.  Start birth control pills.

3.  January/February:  Stims, Retrieval, Transfer, Baby!!

I'm so excited.  I feel like it's a really long road to get there, but I am very confident that this is the best option for us at this point.  For those of you who have done IVF, does this timeline sound normal to you?  I go in next week to meet with the doctor and come up with a plan, but this is what we talked about briefly at my appointment today.  It's funny because I have to put my whole "I want to be pregnant by Christmas thing" on hold while we prepare for IVF, but I feel strangely calm and just excited about it!!  I don't know how I'm gonna get through the next month before we get things started, but I can't wait!!

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Greetings from the ICU!  I hope you all are having a very happy Thanksgiving!!

Tomorrow is my CD3 scan and after much talk and delibration, CJ and I are ready to move onto IVF.  So, my plan is to go in there and ask them how we can move on to this next step.  Now, that we've made the decision, I just want to get started, but I know that it will take some time.  I know that we could do more IUI's or try injectibles with IUI, but the success rate is still not that good and I'd rather spend money on IVF with it's much high success rate.  I'm just at my wits end and I'm so ready to be pregnant.  It's worth the money and the time and everything else.

So, this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for my wonderful husband and for our health and jobs and that we are able to be able to afford IVF (barely!).  I'm so excited about this new step.  My excitement and hope for our future IVF cycle is keeping out of depression right now and I feel pretty good.  I feel that this is the right next step for us! 

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Not my happy thanksgiving ending...

Well, i won't get to be like Addison and test on Thanksgiving Day.  Nope, thanks to AF's arrival today, I don't get my happy Thanksgiving ending.  This sucks and it hurts so much.  I felt so much more confident this time around and our timing was perfect.  But it wasn't meant to be.  What it does mean for me is that I'm so thankful that I started seeing a therapist who specializes in infertility.  she's great.  I've only had one appointment, but I definitely think that this is going to help and I'm kinda kicking myself for not going earlier.  It also means that I am so sad today.  It sucks cause I'm at work now fighting back tears and just wishing that this had been our month. 
The good news is that CJ is onboard for more treatments. He is so awesome, really!!  I thought he would come home and say well we said that this was the last one, so now we're done and it was pretty much the opposite of that.  I'm actually going to talk to my doctor about either another IUI or moving onto IVF.  so, at least we are going to keep going with treatments which I'm excited about. 
This is kinda a rambling, disjointed post, but that's how I'm feeling right now.  I'm sad, lonely, frustrated, and still a little hopeful for the future.  I really do believe that this is a question of when not if and I just need to be patient.  See, I'm already learning something from my therapist.
I hope you all have a wonderful thanksgiving. 

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Private Practice

So, I just watched Private Practice.  You know how Addison was testing on Thanksgiving Day, well, that will be me this year...testing on Thanksgiving Day.  I think Addison is pregnant.  I think I'm pregnant.  I really hope we both get to have our happy endings, I mean beginnings on Thanksgiving this year!!  (Yes, I know Addison is a fictional character on tv, but when I saw that episode it just made me think about how I will be testing on Thanksgiving too...maybe its a sign and I will be pregnant!!

The 2WW has been so much better this time around.  I have been about at positive as I can be.  I just keep telling myself that I'm pregnant, that it actually worked this time, that this time around the word 'Pregnant' will flash on the fancy tests that I bought just so that I could test if I ever made it to a cycle where AF was late.  I even made a vision board.  haha.  I am so not a vision board person, but it has felt really good to inject so much positive energy into my life and into these 2 weeks.

So, what do you think?  Is Addison pregnant?  Am I pregnant?  Only time will tell, but I'm betting on both of us!!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

2nd IUI Success!!

Yesterday was my 2nd IUI.  I started cramping Monday night and all day yesterday, so I think that our timing was perfect this time around.  CJ stepped up to the plate and hit a home run with a count of 72 million and 6% morphology.  I'm so proud of him.  I've decided that this time around I am going to think and act like I'm already pregnant in the hopes of actually making it happen. 

So, I'm now 1dpIUI and I'm considering myself pregnant.  Yea!!  Now, I just need to wait 2 more weeks to confirm what I already know with a HPT.  CJ's on board too with this super-hopeful mentality this month.  For the next 2 weeks, I will abstain from alcohol, sushi, lunch meat, heavy exercise in the hopes of turning my thought into reality.  Yes, I know I'm trying to believe myself pregnant.  I've tried being realistic and pessimistic and angry at god and it hasn't worked and I've just felt lonely and bitter.  Now, I'm going with happy and hopeful and pregnant (until proven otherwise!)  Plus, I'm talking to God again and going to church and it feels great!! 

Please send some positive thoughts and baby dust this way to help me through the next 2 weeks! 

In other news, I'm working in the ICU again this month, so hopefully I can stay sane at work.  At least it will give me time to blog and read blogs when I'm not busy.

Thanks to all my wonderful followers for sticking around through my long absence.  I'm glad you're here!

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Midcycle Monitoring...

I had my ultrasound today, CD11.  I knew it was early, but I had such a large follicle on CD 13 last time around that I didn't want to miss it this month.  At first the scan looked terrible.  Nothing going on in the left ovary and just my persistent cyst on the right (that's getting smaller), but after a little shuffling it looks like I have one follicle at 18 and another one around 11 -13.  I didn't really hear him when he called out the numbers.  Then, I got dressed and we talked in his office and the plan is to do trigger shot tomorrow night (CD 12) and then IUI on Tuesday morning at 10am.  I'm so excited to be doing another IUI and I'm glad that we're starting earlier this month since I think I ovulated before the trigger shot in September.  But of course, now I'm filled with more worries...will the follicle be mature enough by tomorrow night, will I ovulate 36 hours later just in time for my IUI, and of course will we get pregnant?????

In the meantime, I'm going to treasure my weekend off of work and time spent with CJ.  It's a beautiful fall day!! I'll keep you posted!!