Friday, December 30, 2011


I totally forgot to ask in an earlier post, but is there anything I should be doing now before I start IVF in a couple weeks?  Any advice that you guys have would be greatly appreciated!!  Any suggestions for how to approach the first cycle or how to pass the time before stims start or how to keep stress at a minimum??

So, far I have cut out alcohol and caffeine.  Is there anything else that I need to be doing?

Thanks for your help and advice!!

The End of December...

The good news is that I'm doing much better than I was on Tuesday and Wednesday.  I over my failed Christmas miracle and I am full-on excited for IVF.  Today will be day #3 of BCP and Cipro (which is wrecking havok with my GI tract.)  I even have a widget on my phone that is counting down until January 9th at 3:30pm when we go in for my baseline scan and blood work and if all goes well, then I will start stims on the 14th.  It's so soon and so far away, but we have a lot planned in the next 2 weeks so I'm sure that it will do quickly!!

I have realized a couple of things this week.  Despite the fact that I was only able to get pregnant in 2010 and then lost that baby and then was unable to get pregnant in 2011, I am so much happier this year over the holidays than I was last year.  I really think that I am healing and I have my wonderful husband, my therapist, and my awesome followers (thank you so much for your wonderful comments.)  Who knows what 2012 will bring, but I'm excited!!

I am also so extremely grateful that we will be able to do IVF.  It's ridiculously expensive and we will be draining our savings account and taking out a $10K loan, but we are able to do it and I'm so thankful for that.  

Hurry up 2012!!  I'm so excited to see what the year brings!!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

It Official...

We cannot get pregnant on our own.  I'm pretty depressed right now.  I tried to convince myself that I would just be so happy that we were getting to start IVF, but I held on to hope that maybe we would be one of the lucky couples that got pregnant the month before they started IVF.  Alas...AF arrived last night.  I guess even Santa Clause couldn't deter her.

So tonight I start BCP and begin a 14 day countdown until my monitoring ultrasound and empty our savings account day. 

I am excited and I'll be more excited, but I'm still a little sad and these cramps are just making things worse right now....

Bah humbug.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Bring out the checkbook...

After 2 days of cramping, I started spotting today and I'm sure AF will make her appearance momentarily.  I'm pretty bummed.  The cramps were helpful because I knew she was coming so I didn't get my hopes up, but I was hoping for a Christmas miracle of our own.  A miracle that would bring us a baby in 9 months, save us more than $20K, bring us so much hope and happiness going into the New Year, and so much more.  I'm trying to pray more and one phrase that has been on repeat in my head is 'not my plan, but yours (God's)' and I am trying to sit back and let God's plan happen, but I was kinda hoping his plan was for us to get pregnant on our own on the eve of starting IVF.  It just wasn't meant to be.

Now, I'm trying to get excited about IVF, but I need some time to get over yet another BFN and another arrival of AF. 

Note:  AF arrived the exact same time last year, 2 days after Christmas.  I really hate her!! 

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is a positive pregnancy test, a healthy pregnancy, and a happy healthy boy or girl (or boy and girl or any combination really) 9 months later.  You see I'm 11 dpo today after ovulation on my own with no meds and a lot of prayer.  It would be awesome if you could somehow keep AF away for the next 9 months and we could conceive on our own.  Maybe if you see her on the way to my house if you could distract her and cart her away to the North Pole for a little vacation.  She's been working hard this year and visiting me every month, so I think she could really use the break.

And if this isn't our month, then please send us a baby from our IVF adventure that will begin next week.  We are really excited for this new journey, but of course we could use a little help (in the magic and miracles department.)  If that's the case, then we could also use some more patience.  Most of ours has been used up this year and maybe if you could fill our tank again that would help us in this next part of our journey. 

Either way, we would love to have new baby celebrate his or her first Christmas next year.  That's all we want for Christmas this year.  It's not a pony or a car or really nice jewelry, it's something so much more special and awesome, but we could really use some help. 

Thanks Santa.  You're the best!!

The J's

Missing my Angel...

I haven't cried for awhile.  I've been really busy with the holidays and really, really excited about starting IVF and then I even ovulated on my own which was awesome.  Last night was tough though.  We went to the Zoo with my in-laws to check out the Christmas lights and see some animals.  As soon as we got there I realized that this might not have been the best idea.  There were so many children and so many families with many, many children and lots of women with young children who were visibly pregnant.  Despite all of that, the reason I was so sad was because I couldn't bring my 9 month old baby boy or girl to the Zoo with his/her grandparents.  It still breaks my heart that I lost my first child.  Last Christmas I was still in mourning from my miscarriage and this Christmas, I'm still sad about my lost angel.  Why did everything have to go so wrong? 

Since there is no answer to that question, I will try to end on a more positive note.  It's Christmas eve and I'm celebrating with my husband (who is so amazing) and his wonderful family.  I might not have been very good this year, but I'm still hoping Santa leaves us some nice gifts this year.  Since I haven't written a letter to Santa yet, I will post mine up soon.

Happy Christmas Eve!!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

One week left...until IVF!!!!!

I can't believe that it's been a week since I last posted.  My sister's baby has arrived, a little on the small side, but mom and baby are doing very well.  How am I doing?  ...Way better than expected, but the jealousy does flare up from time to time.  However, I am so proud of myself for being genuinely happy for my sister and the newest edition to our family and going shopping for new baby clothes for the new baby with my mom.  (I found some great clothes on sale too.)  I have another week until I meet the family and until then, I am going to enjoy some quality relaxing time with my wonderful in-laws and my last few alcoholic drinks before we start IVF. 

Speaking of which, I will start birth control pills next week!!!  I can't wait!  I picked up my prescription already and we are getting ready to go!!  Plus, we were approved for the success refund program and I think that we are going to go for it!!  2012 is going to be a year full on injections, ultrasounds, blood draws, and (hopefully) babies and I can't wait!!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


Well, the day has finally arrived.  My sister is scheduled for her C-section tomorrow morning.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I am very happy for her and I'm happy that I will soon have another niece or nephew.  But, it's still incredibly hard for me.  I'm super jealous and I really wish I wasn't, but I can't help it (My therapist says that this is okay by the way).  I feel a little nauseous actually and I just want to go to bed and not wake up until I'm pregnant.  Yea, it's one of those days.  The good news is that tomorrow morning I will have another niece or nephew and after tomorrow morning my twin sister won't be pregnant anymore.  Instead, she'll be the mother of 3 beautiful children (that only cost her 2 failed months of clomid to make.)  Actually, of her 3 pregnancies, 2 were by accident.  Whereas building my family has come with so much loss, struggle, and heartache...and not to mention money.  So, yea I'm jealous and I'm sad as hell that it's not me having a baby tomorrow.  I know you may read this post and think that I'm a terrible person, but I'm just trying to release these pent up feelings so that I can go on being happy for my sister and the new addition to her family. 
Thanks for listening.

Monday, December 12, 2011

A Wonderful Sight...

A quick update.  Since I'm taking this month off from fertility treatments in preparation for IVF next month,    I have been anxiously waiting to ovulate because I had no idea if or when I would on my own and I just want to get the party started for IVF already.  Well yesterday at CD 19, I had a beautiful sight...a smiley face on my OPK!!  It was awesome!!  Of course, we baby-danced away!!  I don't have any hopes for this cycle, but I'm just happy that I was able to ovulate in a reasonable amount of time and not have to use Provera.  I'm still waiting for my temp rise, but I had some cramps today so I thing operation ovulation is safely underway.

As soon, as ovulation is confirmed, I'll be starting a 14 day countdown to the start of IVF.  I'm counting my next CD 1 as the start of IVF.  It will be the first time since we started trying to get pregnant that I will be happy to see AF!!  It's gonna be a great Christmas

Saturday, December 10, 2011


Remember back in grade school or high school or summer camp when you had the opportunity to win awards all the time?  Well, that doesn't happen so much in the land of adulthood, which is why I'm so pumped to receive a blogging award!!  It's like I'm a kid again!!  And in the midst of yet another negative and arrival of AF, it's nice to have something so fun to celebrate!!

The Leibster Award

Thank you so much to M from Creating a Rainbow and Chanel from Just Waiting for My Turn

Here are the rules of the Liebster Award: (German for "dear" or "dearest")

The rules:

1. Copy and paste the award on your blog.
2. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
3. Reveal your top 5 picks (<200 followers) and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
4. Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.

My 5 picks are as follows:
1.  This Blondie Wants Babies
2.  The Lotus Flower
3.  Created Family
4.  Belle at Scrambled Eggs
5.  Building a Family Through Donor Insemination

Merry Christmas and Happy Blogging!!