Friday, December 21, 2012

It's the most wonderful time of the year!!

I'm so excited for Christmas this year!  Two years ago, I expected to be pregnant with my first child on Christmas.  We miscarried at 10 weeks in August and by Christmas I was so so sad and desperately wanted to be pregnant.  Needless to say, AF was late that month so I tested the morning after Christmas and was greeted by a BFN and lots of tears.  One year ago, Christmas wasn't so bad.  I still wasn't pregnant, but we were gearing up to do IVF and hoping for a Christmas miracle on the cycle before.  AF arrived the day after Christmas, so no testing needed and we dove into the world of IVF.

This year, this year...I'm tearing up as I write this...

This year, I don't want to be pregnant, I'm not sad at all, and there will be no AF or BFNs.  This year, I have my beautiful little eagles who are so awesome and have filled up that whole in my heart and made this once again the most wonderful time of the year!!  When we were struggling with infertility, every month that we were trying I would think about how far along I would be at Christmas time.  I so badly wanted to be pregnant at Christmas.  Well the jokes on me because I didn't get a chance to be pregnant at Christmas and this is so so so much better.  God's plan and his timing really are perfect and I am so thankful.

The eagles are doing great.  This week they have been waking up between 5-6am so that means that I get to feed them and get them dressed for the day before running off to work.  I love waking up to their smiley faces (after the finish nursing, of course!) and getting them dressed is so fun too!!  Today, they are wearing their Christmas outfits to daycare and they looked so cute!!  We always play music and have fun wake time either with the twins together in one crib or downstairs in their chairs or swing.  Then, when they start to get sleepy we put them in their car seats so that they can take a nap while CJ gets ready for work and to take them to daycare.  We actually have a pretty good routine in the morning, but I was running about 5 minutes late for work all week because the twins were so smiley and cute that it was hard to say goodbye!!  Today is my last day of work before having all of next week off and I can't wait!  We are heading up to my parents house for lots of fun and Christmas craziness!!

Happy Friday and Merry Christmas!!  What a difference 2 years makes!!

Wednesday, December 12, 2012


I had heard a little bit about mastitis before I started my breastfeeding twins adventure.  I kinda figured that it was something that I wouldn't have to worry about since I am constantly either nursing or pumping.  That all changed this week.  It was probably a combination of my kids getting me sick with a little cold, stress at work, and the kiddos sleeping more at night that did it.  I woke up Tuesday morning feeling like my usual self.  I pumped since the kids were both still sleeping and I had to get to work.  After pumping, I noticed that my left breast was sore and painful to the touch.  I was worried about a plugged duct, but at this point I was running late and just had to get to work.  I called my sister from work while I was getting set up in the OR.  We both came to the conclusion that it was likely a plugged duct since I didn't have any systemic symptoms. No fever, chills, malaise, myalgias.  So I continued on with my day.  By 10am, I started to feel off.  By 11am, I started to have chills, but no fever ( I checked in the PACU.)  By noon, I was worried that I wouldn't that I wouldn't make it through my call.  By 12:30, I realized that I wasn't going to make it through the day at work.  I was nauseous and couldn't eat anything.  I had shaking chills and every muscle in my body hurt.  I could barely stand up straight and my left breast was killing me.  So, I got someone to take over my case and I ran up to see one of the lactation consultants who confirmed that I did have mastitis.  Then, I called my OB who called in an antibiotic and I took off for home.  As luck would have it, CJ was working from home that day so he took care of me.  He took my temp (103.5), loaded me up with Tylenol and ibuprofen, got me lots and lots of water, made me chicken noodle soup, tucked me in with lots of blankets, kept washing my pump stuff, picked up my antibiotics and the kiddos.  He was an all-star!!

Thankfully, today with the antibiotics, Tylenol, and ibuprofen and very frequent nursing/pumping I am feeling  better.  Still not 100%, but much better.  I'm on-call tonight and hoping that I get out soon so I can get some much needed rest.

Now, I just hope that my milk supply doesn't take a huge hit.  I was definitely not pumping as much today.  I'm going to start taking the Fenugreek again and eating oatmeal to try to get it back up, but I know that the kiddos will be fine with a little bit of formula.  

Friday, December 7, 2012

A year ago...

I find myself thinking back to what life was like last year at this time.  I posted this in early December last year!  It truly was the season for miracles!!   Here are my little miracle eagles...

I am so happy and so blessed.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

2 months!!

My little eagles passed the 2 month milestone this week!!  Yesterday we saw our pediatrician (who we absolutely love!!)  She said that the babies are perfect!!  Baby boy weighed in at 11lbs 7oz and baby girl at a delicate 10lbs 3oz.  He is 50th percentile for weight with a head circumference that is 25th percentile and she is 25th percentile for weight and 50th percentile for head circumference.  We had all our questions answered about sleeping and eating and baby girl's flat spot on the back of her head (very mild according to the pediatrician) and we got some neck muscle stretching holds to do with her as well.  Then, it was time for their vaccinations.  3 shots plus one oral vaccination with a tylenol chaser.  The babies did great and even proceeded to come home and down their bottles.  The rest of the night was not so easy.  Baby boy had a fever by morning and slept fit fully on CJ's chest.  We gave him more tylenol this morning and he was doing much better but he bought himself a day in the sick room.   Luckily, baby girl didn't have a fever and her cough from earlier in the week was much better so she got to go back to the classroom.  Poor CJ has missed so much work this week with the colds, sick days, and dr's appointment.  

In other news, I am definitely struggling with the working mom thing.  It's hard.  On the one hand, I love what I do and I need to finish my residency, complete my fellowship, and then get a good paying job so that I can pay back my loans, so taking more time off is just not an option right now.  On the other hand, it's hard when the babies come home smelling like the women who take care of them and when I don't get to dress them in the morning and when I'm pumping all the time instead of nursing.  It's totally, totally worth it to be a working's just that I get it why some women opt to stay at home to take care of their precious miracles.  In retrospect, I think I just went back to work to soon.  I didn't really have an option to take more time off, but I think a full 3 months or maybe even just a full 2 months would have made a big difference instead of the 6 weeks.  

For now though we are in survival mode.  And it's not as bad as it sounds.  The days are filled with working and pumping for me and working and dropping off/picking up the babies for CJ and the evenings, nights, and early morning hours are filled with the babies...and the weekends...the weekends are just awesomeness with so much time to just be a parent and spend quality time with the babies.  CJ and I also try to sneak in some husband and wife time too.  I know we need more of that but we are learning!!

Okay, well that was just a lot of rambling, but it feels good to get it out there.  Thanks for reading!!

Thursday, November 29, 2012

8 weeks old already!!

The little eagles are getting so old.  I cannot believe that 8 weeks have passed since they were born.  Crazy!!  Time really is flying!!  This is just a quick update to say that the twins are both smiling now and starting to coo, which is really awesome.  They are not totally in sync and sleeping through the night yet, but if we let them sleep in their swing and vibrating chair then we can get a pretty decent night sleep (even though I have to sleep on the couch!)  We definitely want them to sleep in their cribs eventually, but I know that getting sleep for me is important too!!

Update for me.  I'm still breastfeeding and pumping and it's going well, but it's hard to find the time at work.  I'm also eating like crazy, which is fun, but I think I'm going to cut back just a little bit so I can lose the last few pounds from pregnancy (6lbs) and from IVF (10lbs).  I'm super happy about the babies and so in love!!  It's hasn't been easy though and it still isn't easy, but I know that each day and week that passes we are getting closer to them sleeping through the night...I can't wait!!

Well, I just finished pumping!!

Happy almost Friday!!

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Thanksgiving Weekend Fun

We went up to my parents house for Thanksgiving and it was awesome and exhausting. All my siblings came back got the holiday which was great!  Wednesday night the babies slept poorly but we still managed to get a couple of hours of sleep.  On turkey day we hung out at home, went to the park, watched football, took a nap (me too), cooked dinner, took pictures, ate way to much food, went doing at midnight, and came home when CJ called for help, and everyone slept better that night.

Friday started off with feeding the kids and watching hgtv followed by a trip to the mall to get some Christmas presents and ideas.  Lunch was delicious leftovers and then we picked up a bunch of pallets for some interest craft projects.  After a nice afternoon nap for me it was time for dinner and some Christmas pictures of the twins for their Christmas cards.  Then my sister and her family hit the road back to Georgia and CJ and I tried to get some sleep, but the babies had other ideas and we were up all night almost.
On Saturday my mom and I went to Panera while CJ and my dad took care of the twins and then n before we knew it it was time to pack up and head home.
CJ's parents came to town for the evening and we hung out for dinner.  Then out was time to get the babies to we ranked them up with a mixture of breast milk and formula and they passed out for the next 5 hours, which meant that I got 4 consecutive hours of sleep.  It was amazing.

Now we are hanging out with the babies and my in-laws and trying to get ready for the week.  I don't want too go back to work or have my kids go back to daycare...I'm really going to miss them!

Thursday, November 22, 2012

So much to be thankful for...

But I will keep this brief so I can get back to the festivities.

For my amazing husband who is my best friend and biggest fan and without a doubt the love of my life.

For my twins who brought me back to life and are so amazing.

For my wonderful family and friends and all the blessings in my life.

Happy happy Thanksgiving!

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Daycare and transition back to work...

Despite the lack of sleep, my maternity leave flew by.  I guess it didn't help that I only had 6 weeks and I spent the 1st week in the hospital.  I was dreading this past Monday for awhile, but it wasn't as bad as I thought that it would be.  The biggest thing that I learned this week is that more than anything having my kids in daycare makes me appreciate the time I get to spend with them at home even more and therefore makes me even more productive while they are at daycare so I can concentrate on them when I'm at home.  We are all learning as we go...

In other twin news, I've started pumping during the day so that the kids can each have 3 3oz bottles of breast milk at daycare.  If they need a 4th bottle, then they get some formula.  Then, at night I only nurse them and it's going well!!

As far as sleeping goes...we have some good nights and some bad nights.  Good nights are when both kids go at least 4 hours between eating.  That way I can usually get 2-3 hours of sleep in a row.  Sometimes one baby will even go 5 hours between feedings, but then the other baby only goes like 3 hours and we don't get to take advantage of the long stretch.  Oh well.  Such is life with twins it seems. Bad nights are when they are off schedule and even though we try to wake them up to keep them together they still manage to stay off because one baby won't go back to sleep well or the other one doesn't nurse well, etc.  CJ and I have good and bad nights too where we are more frustrated with the babies or the baby monitors (and their false alarms) or other random things.  Overall though its going well and we are just looking forward to a few more hours of consecutive sleep in the future.

If anyone has tips on how to get a baby to sleep better in their crib then please share because that seems to be the hardest thing about getting the kids to sleep!!

In post-partum news, I am still 8lbs over my pre-pregnancy IVF weight and 18lbs over my ideal weight.  I'm definitely eating a lot though to help keep my supply up and I think once I start working longer days (starting next week) and I'm not just doing research from home then the weight will start coming off again.

In emotional news, I'm still happier than I have ever been.  It's kinda weird not feeling sad anymore, but I'm getting used to it.  People say to me, "You don't even look tired."  I think it's because I'm just so happy that feeling tired is nothing compared to the weight of loss and infertility and the uncertainty involved in all that.  I'm a mom now...a mother of twins...who is tired, yes, but so, so happy!!

Friday, November 9, 2012

5 Weeks Old

My babies are getting so old and so big.  They are 5 weeks old and our little man is weighing in at 9lbs 3 oz and our little lady is weighing in at 8lbs 8oz.  They will both be graduating from newborn clothes and diapers within the week.  Where has the time gone?!

In other news, today is my last day of maternity leave.  I am incredibly sad about that, but I know that my kids will be taken care of in a great daycare.  I just know that I am going to miss feeding them during the day and tummy time on the mat and cuddling with them during the day and our walks or trips to the store.

They are taking a nap now so I had time to write this post, but I need to jump in the shower before they wake up!!

Happy Friday!!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Life with Twins...

I asked CJ the other day what has been harder for us...going through the miscarriage and infertility or life with twins.  He quickly answered the miscarriage and infertility.  I agree.  Life with newborn twins is far from easy, but it is a dream come true, especially compared to the nightmare of a miscarriage, the struggle to get pregnant again, and infertility treatments.

Life is just different now, but its definitely not harder.  For one thing, I feel like my brain is starting to work again.  For 2 years, it was harder for me to concentrate and study instead of just watching TV, hanging out with CJ, googling everything under the sun related to miscarriage and infertility.  For 2 years, my body wasn't my own...I stopped running marathons and exercising.  Our sex life was hijacked by ovulation sticks and rigorous every other day scheduling and IUIs and hips in the air and IVF.  Our social life was governed by doctor's appointments and ovulations and not wanting to make plans in case we were pregnant or not pregnant and needed to go in for a day 3 scan.  My emotions were ruled by the calendar and whether I was filled with hope or depressed when AF showed again.

I think my babies have brought me back to life and back to myself.  I'm gonna do my best not to waste any more time, but to start to live again and make the most out of every day.

I guess this means more time cuddling my babies, spending quality time with CJ, running, studying and less time sleeping and watching TV.  I couldn't be happier.

In other twin news, I'm breast-feeding the babies and it's going pretty well (but I have a whole other post about how difficult it was starting out and it's still kinda painful and exhausting, but I'm trying to stay positive), but I honestly dont know how long I'll be able to keep it up.  I'm pumping as well so we do one bottle feed/day and thats a nice break.  The twins are both gaining weight and peeing/pooping like crazy.  We started doing time on the play mat and tummy time which is really fun.  They love sleeping in their car seats so it's a lot of fun taking them on walks or out to lunch.  They are also really fun to photograph and my facebook and instagram accounts are filling up with pictures of the twins.

I'm 3.5 weeks into my maternity leave with 3.5 weeks to go.  Time in flying and I'm nervous about going back to work, but I think it will help me to just appreciate them more!!  It looks like I'll be at my pre-pregnancy and possibly pre-IVF weight before I go back to work.  I was about 195 at the end of my pregnancy and now I'm 150.  It's kinda crazy that I lost 45lbs in the past 3 weeks, but I think a lot of the weight gain especially at the end of my pregnancy was water weight.  It is so nice to see my knees, ankles and feet again!!

Oh yeah and I would be remiss if I didn't mention how awesome CJ is with the babies and helping me out.  He is absolutely incredible.  I really hit the jackpot with him!!

Alright, both babies are naping and it's dinner time!!  Thanks for reading and checking in.  Congrats to all the women who have delivered their babies in the past month too!!

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Birth Story (continued)...

I last left you when we were opting for the c-section around 1pm on Wednesday, Oct 3rd.  Once we made the decision, everything happened so fast.  I was a wreck for a little while and I just felt sad that I had failed the induction...that my body had seemingly failed me again.  But after some encouragement from CJ and the docs, I  just started to get excited that we would soon be meeting the twins.  They turned off the Pitocin and Magnesium in preparation and had me drink Bicitra to lower the acid in my stomach.  Then the anesthesiologist was in to dose up my epidural so that I would be completely numb from the chest down.  CJ got dressed up in his bunny suit and hat.  We took some pictures.  Then, it was off the OR.  Once we got in the room, they helped me move over to the OR table, bumped me on my side, and put monitors on me and oxygen.  Once they tested to make sure that the epidural was working and had the drapes up, CJ came in and sat by my head.  We nervously chatted about finally deciding on their names while the OBs worked away.  I heard them call out uterine incision and I told CJ that we would soon be meeting our babies.

The next few moments were absolutely amazing.  There's nothing like hearing your children cry for the first time.  Baby girl came out crying and spread eagle as my OB held her over the drapes.  She was so beautiful.  Then, CJ left me to go see her getting all cleaned up.  Two minutes later, my son was born.  He was crying as well and a little smaller, but so so precious.  Next thing I knew, CJ brought baby girl over to me and we decided on her name.  Cassidy Anne.  We had narrowed the names down to 2 for each and she just looked like a Cassidy or a Cass since that's what her Dad calls her.  She was very bright eyed and staring all around.    Then, they brought our son over and we decided on his name.  Chase Davis.  He was breathing a little fast so they wanted to get him over the nursery to check him out.  Before I knew it, my twins were on their way to the nursery and CJ and I were left to sit in wonder about the miracles we had created.

More to come later, but the twins are getting ready to eat again!!

Friday, October 12, 2012

Birth Story

Is that really the title of a post that I am writing?  I feel like I am that my dreams came true on Wed Oct 3rd.  I kept a lot inside during my pregnancy for fear of jinxing something and it's nice now because I can look back and write about how I was feeling at different stages of my pregnancy, labor, delivery, and birth...and now in my life with twins.

After my miscarriage and while we were going through infertility treatments, I kept telling myself that it would all be worth it when we brought our rainbow baby (babies) home.  And you know what?  It was.  Every single moment and heartbreak was worth it for my precious babies.  I am so blessed to be their mother and so incredibly happy and fulfilled.  The hole in my heart is healing and I feel content in a way that just want not possible until now.

Okay, so now onto the birth story, but this is only the beginning because my eyes are closing and I really need a nap.

On Tuesday, Oct 2nd, we arrived at the hospital at 8 am to be admitted and get the induction started.  Within the hour, I was in my room with my IV in place and ready to go.  The babies looked great on the monitor and a quick ultrasound revealed that baby boy had flipped and now both babies were head down. I was still 3 cm and having some contractions in the monitor.  They drew labs and sent a urine.  Next thing I knew the pitocin was started and my induction had officially begun. This was all by 10am.
At 2 pm, my doctor came back with some not so good news...I was spilling even more protein in my urine and my blood pressures were elevated.  She said it was a good thing that I was being induced but unfortunately I would have to go on magnesium.  I was checked again and I was still 3cm but I was more effaced and baby girl's head was lower and my cervix had moved from posterior to anterior.  My contractions were about every 3 to 4 minutes and I was starting to have a lot of pain with them.  They recommended that I get am epidural because they would probably break my water soon top hell speed things up.  Well the magnesium was awful and I just felt terrible...really really hot, nauseous, and out of it so I was looking forward to things moving along.  I was checked again at 9 pm and I had made out to 4 cm and 80% effaced and I felt like things were still moving along.  Overnight though I started to lose hope because my contractions were irregular and further apart.  Around 6 am, I was still
4 cm and they broke my water.  The contractions never picked up though and I continued to be miserable on the mag.

My doctor came in at 12:30 pm and offered me the option to wait until 6 pm and see if I made it to active labor or go back for a section now. After some tears and getting likes failure and a good discussion with CJ, we opted for the c-section.

Nap be continued.

Monday, October 8, 2012

The Eagles have landed!!!

Wow,I can't believe how long it's taken me to write this post.

One week ago today, CJ and I were headed to bed on the eve of my induction.  Tonight we are getting ready to go to bed/stay up all night with our 2 amazing babies.

The little eagles arrived safe and sound on October 3rd weighing in at 6 lbs 1 oz for out little girl and 5 lbs 13 oz for our little man.  They are healthy except for a little bili blanket for our little guy and them both needing to gain weight.  I am so in love!!

I also want to thank every one for your support and encouragement!!

Birth story and more ramblings to come!!

Sunday, September 30, 2012

37 hours and counting...

Until my induction!!

8am Tuesday morning!!

I cannot wait to meet these babies!!  They passed a couple non-stress tests on Friday and today.  I still have some protein in my urine, but my BP is normal, so they didn't want to move up my induction.  It's not like I'm counting down or anything, but I cannot wait to meet these 2!!  I know that I could still go into labor before then, but it's nice to have such a short time line.

Now, I'm just going to be doing constant kick counts, a few checks with my doppler, and trying to stay busy over the next 37 hours!!  Here we go!!

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Almost 37 weeks!!

Just got back from OB appointment and pedicure.

Still at 3cm dilated.  She stripped my membranes and we are all keeping our fingers crossed that I go into labor in the next couple of days!!

Come on babies!!

So close...

From Tuesday, September 25.

Yesterday CJ and I got to spend some quality time together on L&D.  I started having this bizarre and very painful left shoulder and back pain that came in waves since Sunday night.  The pain got so bad yesterday that I was in tears and could barely breathe.  Around 3pm, I called the nurse who suggested I head in to L&D so that I could at least get some pain meds.

At L&D, they hooked me up to the monitors and the babies looked great.  Then they did an ultrasound and baby girl is still head down and baby boy is breach.  Their fluid levels looked good too.  On the monitor, I was having frequent painful contractions every 2-5 minutes and some monster contractions that lasted for 3-4 minutes.  During my 1st check, I was 2/50/-3.  Then, they gave me some percocet which totally helped so that I could cope with the pain.

 A couple of hours later I had progressed to 3/75/-2, so they recommended that I stay because this could actually be labor, but I had to get to 4cm.  So after 2 more hours of painful contractions, they rechecked me and I was still at a 3.  Huge Bummer.  CJ and I had tried not to get too excited but it was hard not and then to find out that we would be going home was a big let down.  At this point, it was time for more percocet and then we were heading home.  The nurses and doctors were hopeful that I would be in full blown labor either in a few hours or within the next couple of days.

I got some sleep overnight, but continued to have intermittent painful contractions, but nothing unbearable.  I just washed a lot of dishes and may go for a quick walk to try to get things going before my doctor's appointment at 9am this morning.  I cannot wait to meet these babies!!

Come on little eagles...we are ready for you!!

Monday, September 17, 2012

Ready to get this show on the road!!

Almost 36 weeks, feeling great, and just ready to meet the little eagles!!  Seriously, it's pretty hard to concentrate these days because I just keep thinking about when I'm going to go into labor, if I'm going to go into labor, will my water break, when will we get the party started.

The only signs I have of possible impending labor is possibly starting to lose my mucus plug over the weekend and persistent loose stools, which I heard can be a sign because the body is cleaning its self out in preparation for labor.  I'm still having frequent contractions, but no more than every 10 minutes and they usually stop after an hour max.

Next appointment is on Wednesday!!  Back to work in the OR tomorrow.  Maybe my water will break

Let the 14 day countdown begin!!

Thursday, September 13, 2012

35 Weeks!!

Just a quick note about my appointment today.  It went well.  Good strong heartbeats.  My belly is measuring 42 weeks.  And my cervix is 1-2cm dilated, 50% effaced, and baby girl is -2 station and the OB said that my cervix is very soft.  So, I'm hopeful that these babies will come before their induction date, which has been set at 38 weeks aka October 2nd.  It's crazy to think that in 2.5 weeks my twins will be here.  I'm still super nervous, but I'm just trying to enjoy their kicks and enjoy my time hanging out with CJ and our puppy while it's still quiet in the house!!

I'll update more after my ultrasound tomorrow morning.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Nursery pics!!

Finally some pics...its still a work in progress but we are getting closer!!
The changing table and glider are borrowed for the year, which is great because we didn't have to buy them and we won't have to move them next year.  The glider will likely go in our bedroom down the hall so that we can rock a crying baby while the other baby is still hopefully sleeping!!

We went with Skip Hop's complete sheet Mod Dot for both babies.  Our cribs are the Ocean V1 from Baby's dream collection and our crib mattresses are from Colgate.  You can see our angel care monitors set up on the end of the crib as well.  The cribs are full of all the babies clothes that we have received as gifts and hand-me-downs.

The art work on the walls is just some framed fabric that I did for our guest bedroom.  We will likely be getting wall decals to coordinate with the colors in the sheets and curtains, but we are still waiting for the new curtains from my mother-in-law before we do any wall decorating.

This is the other side of the room.  The glider will likely move to our bedroom and get a new cushion (so that we can give this borrowed one back in excellent condition. The changing pad is covered with the skip hop mod dot cover and the baskets below are from target!!

I love our dresser from Ikea!! The lamp we already had in the room and we might get a new shade for it, but it works for now.  We're still not sure what we are going to do on top of the dresser or on the walls.  We will need some place for books.  All of those drawers are empty for now just waiting for us to wash some clothes and fill them up.

We still need to get a laundry hamper and a garbage can/diaper pail and then we'll be done with all the practical things.  The decorating will come later and I can't wait until the new curtains arrive from my mother in law!!

Happy weekend!!

34 weeks!!

Holy Cow!!  I can't believe how close we are to meeting these babies.  I had another doctor's appointment today and it was so much better than my appointment last week.  So, last week the OB doctors told me that they would let me go until 39 weeks before an induction or c-section without any additional monitoring as long as the babies looked fine.  This made me incredibly nervous because all along the doctors (including this one) had always said either 37-38 weeks or 37 weeks at the latest.  I know that there are good studies out there that show that there is no additional benefit to remaining in utero for twins greater than 37-38 weeks and the mortality rate just goes up.  Plus, I know that a lot of women pregnant with twins go in for Non-stress tests starting about now and every time I ask, this doctor in particular just brushes me off.  That being said I decided to make sure that I scheduled my remaining appointments with another doctor in the group.

And I'm so glad that I did because my doctor today was wonderful.  She was so nice and understanding and I felt like she was really listening to me.  Plus, she was totally on-board with a scheduled induction sometime between 37-38 weeks.  We left it that she would touch base with the MFMs who have been doing my ultrasounds and confirm with them that I don't need to go in for any non-stress tests and that it would be okay to go ahead and schedule my induction for 37 weeks!!  I'm still waiting to hear back from her, but as long as I have an end-date between 37-38 weeks, I will feel so much better!!

In other news, I'm really big and starting to feel aches and pains all over.  That being said I still worked Tuesday-Thursday in the operating room this week and only took today off to do some research and go to my appointment.  Next week, my goal is to work 2 days in the OR.  It's tough being at work, but it definitely helps the time to go by faster and everyone is so nice at work too!!

The babies are kicking away and I hope getting bigger!!  We have another growth ultrasound next Friday (only 1 more week!!) and I'm going in for weekly appointments with my OB as well as doing obsessive kick counts and still using my doppler.  I just want these babies here safe and sound!!

I'm going to post some nursery pics next, so stay tuned!!

Saturday, August 25, 2012

32++ Weeks!!

Happy Weekend!!  I meant to post earlier this week, but work was busy and exhausting.  Then, I would come home and catch up on my blogs, but get too tired to then post anything.  I was back working days this week which was nice, but it was busy and it was tough to get a chance to sit down throughout the day.  Everyone has been incredible at work though and it's funny because people who don't know I'm having twins think that I should be due any day now...I just tell them that I would like to keep these babies cooking for a little while longer!!

I had a growth ultrasound at 32 weeks on Wednesday.  Both babies are still measuring on track for singletons, but they are starting to slow down in growth.  However, they have evened out more.  Baby girl weighed in at 4lbs 1oz and Baby boy at 3lbs 15 oz.  So, that's 8lbs of baby!!  I'm really hoping to get them to at least 6 lbs by delivery!! They are measuring in the 35th percentile for singletons, which is a bit of a decrease from the 80th percentile for her and the 56th percentile for him at 28 weeks, but the MFM said that this was normal now and he would expect them to stay around there or slow down a little bit more over the course of the next month.  I'm going to just do my best to keep growing big healthy babies by resting as much as I can, eating well, and drinking lots of water!!

I asked my doctor about Non-Stress Tests and Biophysical Profiles for monitoring the twins and he said that as long as they are both growing well and moving then they do not need any additional monitoring.   I would definitely prefer the extra monitoring, but for now that's okay.  Are any of you getting extra monitoring in the late 3rd trimester?  Should I be more insistent on it??  Also, any thoughts on twin vaginal birth or experiences?  I'm starting to get nervous about just getting them here safe and sound.  I feel like a c-section is safe and reliable, but if they are in the right position and I can try a vaginal delivery that might be okay too, but I know that things can get dicey with Baby B.  Let me know what you all think!!

In other news, we received our crib mattresses yesterday.  We went with the Colgate Classica III.  We wanted to get one of the Moonlight Slumber mattresses, but they were too long to fit in our crib.  We also looked at the Sealy Soybean Everedge from Babies R US, but there were about 10 reviews stating that this mattress started to sag after a little use.  The Colgate mattress was in our price range and all the reviews said if anything it was too hard, which is fine by us!!  It was very exciting finally getting to put our sheets on and see how the cribs look all dressed up.  Then, we started organizing some baby stuff.  We still have a lot of work to do, but it's coming together!!

I will try to post some pics of the nursery progress later and maybe even some bump photos!!

Happy Weekend!!

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Happy Anniversary

4 years ago today I married my best friend!!  These 4 years have been filled with so much love.  It's that love that got me through the most difficult times in my life and still fills me up every day.  It's just such an incredible feeling to love someone so much and know that they feel the same way about you.  I know that I am one lucky girl!!

We're celebrating on Saturday because I'm stuck at work on-call tonight!!

4 years ago today, we were probably dancing to Old Crow Medicine Show's Wagon Wheel!!

I'll leave you with the lyrics.

Headed down south to the land of the pines
And I'm thumbin' my way into North Caroline
Starin' up the road
Pray to God I see headlights

I made it down the coast in seventeen hours
Pickin' me a bouquet of dogwood flowers
And I'm a hopin' for Raleigh
I can see my baby tonight

So rock me mama like a wagon wheel
Rock me mama anyway you feel
Hey mama rock me
Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
Rock me mama like a south-bound train
Hey mama rock me

Runnin' from the cold up in New England
I was born to be a fiddler in an old-time stringband
My baby plays the guitar
I pick a banjo now
[ Lyrics from: http:l ]
Oh, the North country winters keep a gettin' me now
Lost my money playin' poker so I had to up and leave
But I ain't a turnin' back
To livin' that old life no more

So rock me mama like a wagon wheel
Rock me mama anyway you feel
Hey mama rock me
Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
Rock me mama like a south-bound train
Hey mama rock me

Walkin' to the south out of Roanoke
I caught a trucker out of Philly
Had a nice long toke
But he's a headed west from the Cumberland Gap
To Johnson City, Tennessee

And I gotta get a move on before the sun
I hear my baby callin' my name
And I know that she's the only one
And if I die in Raleigh
At least I will die free

So rock me mama like a wagon wheel
Rock me mama anyway you feel
Hey mama rock me
Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
Rock me mama like a south-bound train
Hey mama rock me

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

31 Weeks!!

31 weeks today!!  It's pretty exciting just to be this far along, but otherwise I don't have much to report.  I have my next OB appointment tomorrow afternoon and my next growth ultrasound next Wednesday.  I can't wait to see how big the twins are getting.  I hope they are getting big because my belly sure is getting bigger!!  I'm definitely feeling very big these days...I'm moving slower, it's hard to stand up and bend over and turning over in the middle of the night (or anytime for that matter) is pretty difficult.  Otherwise though, I feel really good.  I'm still working, but trying to take it as easy as I can when I'm at work and when I'm at home I try to keep my feet up and get a lot of rest.  We'll see what my OB says tomorrow.

My new favorite activity is sitting down and watching my belly move with their kicks and wiggles.  I try to do kick counts at least twice a day and every time I do I usually get to 10 kicks/movements within the first 10 minutes so that's really reassuring.

On the nursery front, we had our carpets cleaned this week and CJ picked up our cribs and dresser last weekend, so we might begin to put things together this weekend!!  I'm really excited, but also a little nervous.

Yes, I'm still super nervous.  I firmly believe that the twins will be joining our family safely in September, but I still pray daily for their safe arrival.  I cannot wait until they are safe and sound in our home!!

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

30 weeks!!

Another big milestone...30 weeks!!  Only 7 more weeks to go...or 5-6 weeks since according to my doctor most women pregnant with twins go into labor on their own between 35-36 weeks.  I'm just thankful for every additional week and for the 2 wiggly babies in my belly.  My last checkup was last Thursday and my cervix is still long and closed despite all the contractions I have been having while at work...usually about 1-4 an hour and they are much more noticeable these days.  I'm just gonna do some bullet points to try to organize my thoughts at the moment.

-I'm so happy to be 30 weeks and I'm just really looking forward to meeting these babies!!
-I'm starting to get a little nervous about delivery.  Right now, Baby Girl (A) is head down and Baby Boy (B) is transverse.  If he turns head down then we'll be able to try a vaginal delivery.  If he turns breech, then I will most likely opt for a c-section since it can be risky to deliver the second twin if they are not head down.
-We haven't taken any newborn care classes or childbirth/labor classes...I feel unprepared, but at this point there are no other classes that we could get into.
-We got into daycare for November!!  We are touring the facility next week!!  It's going to be pretty pricey...about $420/week, but it includes diapers, wipes, and food once they start eating, so that will help out!!
-I think that I am manifesting my nesting by really wanting to buy things right now.  I love going on amazon and to look for baby items and most of the time I can refrain from buying something.  I did go to a baby store in town last week and find an adorable mobile that was $50 and was on sale for $25.  I couldn't turn down such a great deal and the colors would work nicely in our nusery.  Plus, the pieces of the mobile come off and can function as toys on their own, which is pretty cool!!
-My mother in-law is making curtains for the nursery.  We picked out the fabric and sent her the measurements and I can't wait to see the finished product!!
-I'm exhausted at the end of the seriously it's hard to move exhausted.  CJ has been wonderful though by making dinners and keeping my water glass filled.  I don't know what I would do without that man!!
-And speaking of CJ, I kicked him out of our bed.  Actually it was a mutual decision.  With my snoogle and my getting up to pee and switching from side to side, neither of us was getting a lot of good sleep.  So, CJ moved into the guest room and we are both sleeping a little better these days.  I love it when he tucks me in at night though and I have the desire to try to snuggle with him in the mornings, but it's just not very practical with my big belly.
-I love watching the Olympics.  Seriously, it's my favorite thing to do!!

Okay, that's all for now.  I gotta get back to work!!  Happy Wednesday!!

Monday, July 30, 2012

Our Big Purchases...

I just thought that I would go through our big purchases for the twins upcoming arrival.

1.  Honda Odyssey Van - We found a great price on a used van in excellent condition with low miles at Carmax.  Within a week, we were the proud owners of a navy blue Odyssey.  It will be the manvan since CJ will be driving it.  I will take over his Mazda 3 and my borrowed Mustang convertible will go back to my parents.  (While I'm sad to be giving back my convertible, I will not missing getting in and out of was definitely getting more difficult.)

2.  Baby Jogger City Select Double Stroller - In red.  It's awesome.  I like that it is not really that much bigger than a single stroller (in fact, it can convert to a single stroller) and it will last from infants until they are 45lbs each.  It was a wonderful gift from my in-laws and we are very grateful.  We will hold off on a jogging stroller for now because while I definitely want to get into running, I just don't see myself running with twins.  That's my me time!

3.  Maxi Cosi Mico Car Seats - these were another gift from my in-laws and we really liked them for the excellent safety rating and how light they are.  We got one in red and one in blue so that they will have red sox colors!!

4.  Baby's Dream Ocean V1 Cribs - these were a beautiful gift from my parents.  I love them and cannot wait until they arrive.  Plus, we plan on using them as twin beds when the twins are older too.

5.  Angelcare Monitors - these were a gift from relatives for my shower and I'm so happy we have them.  They did not come highly rated from baby bargains, but my sister has used them with her 3 kids and loves the piece of mind that comes with the motion sensor.  I could not imagine not have the motion sensor, so I'm very excited about these!!

6.  Chico LX Pack N Play - This was a gift from my sister in law.  We wanted to get one nicer pack n play with a  changing table that we will leave open in our family room downstairs.  This one is really cute and has music and vibration!!  We received a 2nd hand-me-down pack n play from my parents for travel.

We haven't really started with nursery decorations yet, but we did pick out sheets and my mother-in-law will be working on curtains for the room.  I know we still have 2 months, but it definitely seems like a lot of things still need to come together.

The other thing that I've been doing to prepare for the twins arrival is reading Bringing Up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman.  It is an awesome book.  CJ is going to read it next and we are going to do our best to implement many of the french parenting strategies she discusses in the book.  I highly recommend it and if anyone has any suggestions for how to use french parenting strategies over here in America, please share!!  Basically, I love the idea of The Pause, the Meal Schedule of 8am, noon, 4pm (snack), and 8pm dinner with no snacking between meals, and saying Hello and Goodbye.  I love the idea that the parents lives do not center around their children, but rather they bring the children into their world.  We also have the book On Becoming Babywise for more of a practical, how-to approach for helping our twins "do their nights" (to borrow a phrase from Bringing Up Bebe.)

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Welcome to the 3rd Trimester!!

Holy Cow!!  I'm in the 3rd trimester.  How did I get here?  I'm still not really sure and I don't think I'll even be able to process it until after my twins are here safe and sound...But, I'm so happy and thankful to be here!!

28 weeks with about 9 weeks to go!!

Just some quick updates...I passed my 1 hour glucose test.  I was shocked because I know carrying twins meant that I had a higher risk for gestational diabetes.  I promptly celebrated that night with leftover cookies and cupcakes from my shower!!

I got my rhogam shot because my blood type is B-.  Not very exciting, but I'm happy to have it on-board!!

We had our 28 week ultrasound yesterday.  Both babies were looking good and continued to look big.  Baby Girl is 3lbs 1oz and Baby Boy is 2lbs 12oz.  The MFM said that the size difference is normal and just something that we will continue to watch.  My fluid levels look good.  And with that, they sent me on my way. 

I'll update more with items that we purchased/received for the babies later. 

Monday, July 23, 2012

My Baby Shower

Did I seriously just write that title?  This is all a little surreal.  But I know that I had my baby shower this weekend with my best friends in from out of town, my close friends from work, and my family because of how exhausted I am today.  It was all worth it though.  Here's a run down of the weekend. 

Friday morning...finish my final night shift (until August that is) and head home for some much needed rest. 
Friday afternoon...finish cleaning our house, run some last minute errands (spa gift certificates for the shower hostesses, pedicure for me, key grocery items, shower, get dressed for dinner

Friday night...dinner in a nearby town with my twin sister and her newest baby, my parents, aunt and uncle, CJ, and CJ's parents.  Lots of delicious pizza and water for me with everyone else trying out some local brews.  Head back to our house and await the arrival of our out-of-town friends.

Friday late night...welcome our friends from Pittsburgh (my best friend from summer camp and her boyfriend) and New York (my best friend from college).  It was so wonderful catching up with them and figuring out a good plan for the next day.  I stayed up way too late and finally got to sleep around 2:30-3am.  Yes, I'm still on the night schedule. 

Saturday morning...CJ heads out for a vet appointment and to pick up bagels for breakfast.  We all partake in yummy bagels, fruit, coffee, and OJ before heading out for some shopping at the outdoor downtown mall.  It is so wonderful to be with my best friends and doing something so normal as shopping.  I don't buy anything, but I enjoy encouraging them to buy super cute dresses and shoes. 

Saturday afternoon...shower prep at my house with all the girls in the master bedroom for hair and makeup.  My new maternity dress looks really cute and my bump looks huge!!  Then, we head over to my friend's house who is hosting the shower.  My family is already there helping with last minute preparation.  More guests start to arrive and the boys leave for a lunch of burgers and beer.

The shower...theme was 2 peas in a pod and the food was delicious, the decorations were adorable, and the games were fun.  Most of the shower was me opening up gifts.  It was so weird to be the center of attention for so long, but it was also a lot of fun and I couldn't stop smiling.  We got some really wonderful gifts as well including super cute clothes, our pack-n-play, bath toys, swaddle cloths, bibs, books for the nursery, toys, our baby monitors (Angel Care with the motion sensor that my sister swears by), and even our babies first red-sox gear!!  It was so much fun!!

Saturday night...After a quick post-shower stop at our house where we unloaded the gifts and a quick change, we headed out to dinner with my sister, the out-of-town friends, and 3 friends from here.  It was a great dinner party.  Lots of laughs and good conversations.  CJ and I even picked up the check to thank our friends for coming in from out of town and to thank our other friends for all of their support.  We are all so full!!

Saturday late night...we head back to the house early-ish (9pm) and stay up chatting and watching youtube videos until way too late.  Good night!!

Sunday morning...sleep in until 8:30am, then lounge around with our friends and get breakfast (more bagels, coffee, fruit, and OJ.)  Did I mention that our friends were all staying with us for the weekend, plus my sister and her baby stayed over on Saturday night so it was quite a full house.  Then, we hung out and went through the shower gifts and even started organizing them.  Our Pittsburgh friends had to leave early to see some sights in Virginia before heading back home.  T

Sunday afternoon...It was off to lunch for the rest of us with my family and CJ's parents.  Another fun-filled meal and more pictures!!  Then, back home in time to see our New York friend off on her bus back to NYC.  After we got home, I started crying because it was such a full weekend and I had missed all my friends so much the house just felt really empty.

Sunday night...quick dinner at home with CJ's parents.  I am definitely going to fail my glucose test on Tuesday.  They don't stay long because I'm exhausted.  The next time we see them will be go time for the babies.  CJ and I then watch a little tv and crash early.  What a weekend!!

If you made it this long, thanks for reading!!  Now, I'm just going to try to catch up on rest this week and start studying for work again.  Next up is glucose test and rhogam tomorrow and growth ultrasound on Wednesday!!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Still scared...

Yep, that basically describes my feelings daily.  I am so in love with my twins, my little eagles and I am so terrifed that I won't get to meet them.  Little things make me registering (which we finally did since the shower is in 2 weeks), talking about the babies, planning for September...and big things like buying a new car.  If it were a reasonable thing to do, I would wait until after the babies were here to get a new car just so that we were sure...but that doesn't sound like the best idea and CE found a great deal on a used car which we might be buying tonight.  I'm just so worried that we will jinx it.  Everything is going well so far.  I continue to have braxton hicks contractions throughout the day, especially when I have to pee or stand up suddenly, but otherwise I'm feeling pretty good.  And the babies have been great at reassuring me when I need it...I just press my hand on my belly and I am usually rewarded with a little kick. 

I know that this fear won't really leave ever, so I'm going to just try to enjoy everyday that I am pregnant and continue to pray for my babies...that we get to meet them in September and that they are healthy and whole.  I know that this is another side effect of my previous miscarriage and then the resulting infertility, but that doesn't make it any easier. 

On a happier note, I'm almost 26 weeks, which mean only 2 more weeks until the 3rd trimester.  Oh yeah, and my belly is huge, which means 2 big babies in there!!

Monday, July 2, 2012

It's been way too long!!

I know I took quite a long hiatus.  I have to be honest.  It was pure superstition and fear that kept me away.  The week leading up to 24 weeks were filled with anxiety.  I just couldn't imagine making it past that magical number...and I didn't want to blog for fear that I would jinx anything.  I can't believe I made it past there and things are still going well.  I'm still scared.  I love my little eagles so much and I cannot wait to meet them in September...I love their little kicks and I love my growing belly...and even my swollen feet because it means I'm getting closer to bringing them home.  Here' s what's been going on it bullet points.

-Work has been getting harder.  I try to sit down as much as possible, but there are still times when I need to be more active and it's definitely tough.  I'm just going to keep taking it one week at a time.

-Speaking of work, I recently received a horrible peer review from my colleagues.  I basically scored the worst out of all the residents in my class.  I received comments like "always tries to get out of work" or "I don't appreciate all the times that I have had to cover for her at work" or "honesty is important for gaining the respect of your colleagues" or "needs to work harder" or "only works 50% while at work and tries to get out of as much work as possible."  It was horrible.  I basically cried for a day straight.  I didn't ask for any of this, the miscarriage, infertility, IVF, twin pregnancy and I'm doing my best to make it work, but apparently my peers don't see that.  Even people who knew how hard the past 2 years were still gave me bad marks.  It's just frustrating because I have been working as hard as I can.  Have any of you had trouble in the work place due to loss, infertility, or pregnancy?  Any tips?

-And also speaking of work, 2 of my friends announced they were pregnant.  While I am super excited for them, it still stings that they were able to get pregnant so easily. Mostly though I'm just so thankful for my twins!!

-Okay and now time for the twins and this pregnancy.  They are still a boy and girl.  At 24 weeks, they were both measuring 1lb 9oz.  I love feeling their kicks and listening to their heartbeats.  It is so wonderful.

-I'm getting really big!! I even had to move to medium scrub top to accomodate my growing belly.  It's impressive.

-I just started getting awful reflux and heartburn.  Nothing seems to help at this point, but I'm going to talk to my doctor about it at my check-up tomorrow.  I'm going every other week now, which is definitely helping me with my sanity!!

-We bought our baby stroller.  Or rather my in-laws got us our baby stroller, but we picked it out this weekend.  We got the Baby Jogger City Select in Red!!  It's awesome!!

I will try to catch up more tomorrow.  I'm trying to study as much as I can now before the babies come so I gotta hit the books!! I've been reading and following along!!  I may even try to post a belly pic soon.

Anyone have any good nursery ideas for boy girl twins?  Or recommendations for cribs and car seats??

Happy Monday!!

Saturday, June 2, 2012

We're having...

2 babies!!

Oh wait, you already knew that!  Let me try this again!!

We're having...

A boy and a girl!!  And we couldn't be happier!!

They looked great at our anatomy scan yesterday.  2 hours of staring in awe at the ultrasound screen followed by our doctor coming in and telling us that both babies looked great from head to toe!!  They are each measuring 12oz at this point which is normal size for a singleton so I guess all the weight I'm gaining and my big belly is definitely a sign of good things!!

I go back in 3.5 weeks for a follow-up growth scan.

We are so in love and so thrilled and of course, we can't wait to meet them...but not until September at the earliest!!

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

18 Weeks!!

Greetings!!  I'm still around and hanging in there.  I've been following along on blogs, but I've just been terrible at posting on my own blog.  Here's just a quick update from work (in no particular order)...

-Had a cervical length check last week at 17 weeks.  Cervix measured 4cm with no funneling or dynamic change.  Babies looked bigger and had heartbeats and were moving around and it was so fun to see them again on the nice ultrasound machine!!

-Just looked at the babies today on the ultrasound at work.  They were moving around and had beautiful little heartbeats.  I can't believe how big they are getting.  Well, I should believe it because my belly is really getting big!!

-My belly is huge.  I'm in maternity clothes and scrubs now except for some bigger t-shirts or my jersey skirts with big elastic waists that I wear below my bump.  It's pretty awesome though!!

-I have a map of blue veins covering my chest and belly.  Also very cool and kinda freaky...even my husband was impressed!!

-Next appointment in 19 weeks with the OB next Thursday and then Anatomy scan on June 1st!!  I can't wait to find out the genders, but I'm just happy that things are going well for now.

-I'm still terrified on a daily basis that this beautiful, hopeful thing will come to an end, but I just keep praying that we get to take these babies home, happy, and healthy in September or October!!

-I finally finished interviewing and traveling for work, which is a big relief!  Now, I just have to see if I get any offers for a fellowship!!

-CJ and I went on a Gatlinburg, TN.  It was pretty awesome and we stayed at this great B&B.  I did have a minor freak out after eating a hot dog that I wasn't sure was steaming hot, but my doctor assured me that everything was okay. 

-I have my first cold this week...just a big ole stuffy nose,, sneezing, cough, sore throat, congestion, lots of fun!!

-I can't wait to start feeling movement.  I was hoping that I would get to feel it already, but so far nothing for sure.  Maybe an occaisional poke, but I wouldn't bet on that being the babies kicking. 

-I still love my doppler.  It is seriously keeping me sane!!

Okay, that's all for now.  I'm so happy for all the ladies who are in the second trimester now as well and for all the new BFP's that I keep reading about...Congratulations!!

Thursday, April 26, 2012

15 Weeks

It's definitely nice being in the 2nd trimester.  Everyone at work knows now and it's fun to talk about on occasion and I like to admire my growing bump constantly.  Plus, I'm finally feeling better.  It's been a little over a week since I last threw up and the nausea is much more manageable with food now.  I'm still exhausting and getting up to pee 1-2 times each night, but I definitely feel more like a normal person with a nice sized bump and it's only going to get bigger.

The other thing I did this week is borrow a doppler from my mom's friend.  Even though I have access to the ultrasound machine at work, I think that the doppler is less invasive and still very reassuring.  I love hearing the thumping little heartbeats!!

I had my 15 week appointment on Tuesday of this week.  All we did was talk, BP, and listen to their heartbeats.  Baby A was at 143 and Baby B was at 151.  My weight is up a whole bunch (I don't even want to record it on here), but let's just say that I should have no trouble making it 20lbs by week 20!!

My in-laws came to visit last night and it's the first time we have seen them since I got knocked up.  My mother is law is so cute and just kept hugging me and almost crying.  They also got us some nice gifts.  Some onesies for the little ones, a cool shirt for CJ, and some great and much-needed maternity clothes for me.  All in all it was a great evening!!

I still can't quite believe that this is real, but I keep praying everyday that we get to bring these babies home safe and sound in September!!

Friday, April 13, 2012

13 weeks and 2 days!!

I'm still here and the little eagles are still doing well.  I'll try to post more later, but between work, my nausea, and exhaustion, it's been hard for me to do anything extra except for work, eat, take a walk (if I'm lucky), and sleep.  I'm trying to follow along on blogs, but that's been tough too.  I'm also still terrified to lose my babies and somehow by not blogging, I'm feeling the passage of time easier.  That doesn't really make awhole lot of sense, but that's just this weird feeling that I have. 

We had our NT test and bloodwork last week and we are low risk for Down's Syndrome and it was great looking at the babies for such a long time.  Next up is my 15 week appointment with my OB.  I checked on the babies yesterday and they still have heartbeats and were moving around, so that's good!!  I'm also definitely popping out.  It's pretty funny, but I love my belly and I'll be buying more maternity clothes this weekend out of sheer necessity! 

I'm looking forward to feeling the babies move because I hope that give me more reassurance.  I'm definitely feeling better about this pregnancy and I just keep repeating...we are bringing these babies home!!

Happy Friday!!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

11 Weeks!

I never got to say that with my last pregnancy and I am so happy to report that the babies are alive and well.  They both showed us their cute little heartbeats going at about 150 and waved during the super quick scan that my OB did at my first appointment with her yesterday.

Yup, I'm officially seeing an OB.  It's awesome and it's terrifying.  I'm so excited to be this far and yet I know that we still have so far to go.  I just keep repeating the mantra "We are bringing these babies home" because we will and I totally believe in the power of positive thinking!!

As far as symptoms go, I'm still super nauseous all day and really tired all day.  My friends at work say that I'm looking better these days, but I'm not so sure.  Oh yeah and I definitely have a bump.  I can totally hide it in my scrubs (at least I think I'm hiding it), but in my maternity clothes there is a definitely bump and it's getting harder to hide.  My weight yesterday was 142lbs.  My normal weight goes between 130-135 (except for when I dipped down to 125 after my miscarriage), but I'm guessing I was on the higher end of that with IVF so I've probably gained 5-7lbs so far.  My doctor did not seem concerned at all.  She just encouraged me to eat a balanced diet and not to worry about it. 

Today is also a special day because this morning my husband gave me a shot for the last time.  OMG.  I can't believe I'm done with the injections.  After 11 weeks straight of shots and 9 weeks straight of PIO shots, it's crazy that tomorrow morning there will be no needles entering my skin.  Totally crazy.  And it makes me super nervous.  I would almost prefer to keep getting shots because I feel like I'm doing something good for my babies and now I just have to sit back and trust my body to do the right thing.  It's terrifying and totally normal according to my doctor.  When did all of you finish your progesterone supplements?  How did you feel about it? 

Next up, first trimester ultrasound scan next Thursday!!

Friday, March 23, 2012

I'm officially more pregnant than I have ever been...

Today I am 10 weeks and 2 days along.  With my last pregnancy, this is the exact day in the pregnancy when we found out that our angel had stopped growing at 8w5d.  We found out around 1-2pm in the afternoon.  Seeing as it is now 7pm and I'm still nice and knocked up (and the babies were waving at me on the impromtu ultrasound that I just did with cute little fluttering hearbeats), that makes me officially more pregnant that I have ever been.  I definitely feel more pregnant this time around thanks to my expanding abdomen, my sore boobs, and the worsening nausea.  I'm not sure when I'll start feeling confident in this pregnancy, but for now I'm so happy and grateful to be wear I am and to have 2 little eagles growing nice and big and strong inside me (and making their presence known while they're doing so.) 

Happy Friday to everyone and I hope you have a nice relaxing weekend!!  I'm oncall for the next 12 hours...but who's counting?!?

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

10 Weeks!!

I don't have a good excuse for not posting recently.  I've just been having a hard time coming up with something to say, being able to sit at my computer for any length of time, and not being overwhelmed by my anxiety.  Here are some quick updates...

- 10 weeks today and I had my first nurse's visit at the OB's office.  It was just a lot of history questions, height and weight, blood draw, and urine test and completely uneventful, but at least now I can get in to see the OB next week. 

- Graduated from RE last Wednesday at 9 weeks after another ultrasound where the little eagles looked great.  Their growth is right on track, heartbeats beating away, all good.  My doctor then sat down with us and said that given our 3 good ultrasounds he would give us a less than 5% chance of miscarriage at this point.  (And that was 1 week ago)

-With that good news, I finally worked up the nerve to tell my sister and my parents.  We'll really start spreading the news at 12 weeks, but it's nice that my immediate family knows what's going on now.  They are super, super excited!!

- The all-day nausea has continued.  Plus, I vomited for the first time this morning, which was tons of  I've been saying that I would feel better if I just started throwing up and I guess I got my wish.  However...

- I'm still pretty nervous about this pregnancy continuing.  And here's why.  With my last pregnancy, we went in for our appointment at 10 weeks and 2 days and the baby had stopped growing at 8w5d and there was no heartbeat and I'm just terrified that that will happen again.  I'm trying to relax, but it's hard.  Hopefully, at my appointment next week, we'll get to hear the heartbeats and then I'll officially be more pregnant than I have ever been and I can start to relax. 

-My NT Test is scheduled for April 5th and I'll be 12weeks 1 day and I can't wait!!

- Despite my anxiety and fears, I do feel like this pregnancy will continue and I pray everyday that we'll get to bring our little eagles home.

- I'm loving my maternity pants because I have a definite bump now, which is mostly bloating, but hopefully a little bit baby since there are now 2 x 10 week old babies in there!!  I can't wait to keep watching my bump grow bigger!!

I've been trying to read and follow along and comment when I can, but it's been a little harder these days.  Thanks for reading and sticking with me.  Happy Wednesday!!

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Updates from week 8...

So, this week we got to see the little eagles again...but a little early.  My cramping continued and worsened so my RE moved up my appointment to Wednesday afternoon.  I was so worried that we wouldn't see heartbeats again.  BUT, everything looked great and both babies were measuring ahead.  Eagle A was at 8 weeks and 3 days and Eagle B was at 8 weeks and 1 day and I was at 8 weeks exactly so that was perfect.  Everything looked great and she couldn't find a reason for my cramping, but just suggested that I take it easy.  It was so nice to see our little eagles growing bigger with those 2 beautiful flickering heartbeats!!

Yesterday, I ventured out and bought my 1st 2 pairs of maternity pants...ever!  I never needed maternity pants with my last pregnancy because I didn't gain any weight and my waist stayed the same size.  This time around, I have a little bump and I'm sure most of it is weight gain from IVF and my horrible eating habits lately, but I don't really care.  I love my little belly and I love my new pants.  I got a pair of black active wear pants and a pair of skinny jeans.  They are super comfy and will help me get through the next couple of months!

Otherwise, my nausea has continued and really takes a lot out of me, but I love it and I'm so grateful to feel this sick all the time.  It's very reassuring.  Otherwise, I'm still really tired, my boobs are way more sore, and I have to pee all the time...and I'm loving it!!

Next ultrasound is at 9 weeks, next Wednesday and I can't wait!!  Have a nice weekend!!

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

8 Weeks!!

Just a quick post today as I hit the 8 week mark.  I took a peak at the little eagles last night since I have access to an ultrasound at work and both had heartbeats and had grown in size (that's about all I can tell.)  My fears have not subsided though because now we are moving into the territory of when we lost our baby last time and when we found out.  I also started having cramps yesterday, which I've heard are pretty normal, but it still freaks me out.  Has anyone else had cramping in early pregnancy and the babies have been fine.  I might even put in a call to my RE, but I have an ultrasound scheduled for Friday.  I'm going to try to take it as easy as possible and relax. 

To my little eagles,  We are so glad that you are hear and causing me so much nausea and exhaustion.  It really helps that you are making your presence known.  Please stick around until we can meet you in person in September.  We love you so much already!!  Daddy is convinced that you are 2 boys, but I don't know what to think yet.  Only time will tell and we will be excited either way.  Can't wait to see you again for an official ultrasound on Friday!!

Monday, March 5, 2012

7w5d...Happy Monday

I can't believe it's been a week since I last posted.  On one hand, it has gone by pretty fast since I was busy traveling to Philly, working, and studying for my big exam on Saturday.  On the other hand, time feels like it is inching by.  After my big test on Saturday, I spent the rest of the weekend hanging out with CJ and watching movies including Breaking Dawn, Thor, and Captain America.  It was a nice, relaxing weekend and it was definitely tough coming back to work today. 

I have a good excuse for not writing more also in that I have been super in all day and night, waves of nausea with occasional retching (no vomiting yet, although I would probably feel better.)  The only thing that makes me feel better is eating, ironically enough, except that when I'm done eating the nausea comes back with a vengeance.  I'm also more exhausted than I have ever been.  I go to bed around 8:30 at night and that's after lying on the couch after eating dinner form 7pm on.  My boobs are also bigger and sore and I have a constant metallic taste in my mouth.  Most of all, I am loving all of these symptoms because it reassures me that the little eagles are doing well.

Oh I forgot my last symptoms, almost paralyzing fear...I'm so scared that we are going to lose these babies.  I don't know how I'm gonna make it through the next month, but the symptoms are definitely helping, so there's that and lots and lots of prayers!!

As far as I know, the little eagles are doing well.  I took a sneak peak on the ultrasound on Saturday and they had both grown and their heartbeats were flickering away.  My next real ultrasound is on Friday and I can't wait!!

Thank you to all of my wonderful commenters and followers!  I'm at 49 followers, which is awesome!!  I have been reading and trying to follow along, but it's harder now with how I'm feeling.

Monday, February 27, 2012

We're having TWINS!!!

Both little eagles decided to stick around and we are so thankful and a little in shock.  Twin A is measuring 6w4d and Twin B is measuring 6w6d and I am 6w5d so that's perfect!!  CJ is totally in shock and it still doesn't really feel real.  My next ultrasound is next Friday when I'll be 8w2d.

Please stay around little eagles!!  We are so in love already!!

Ultrasound Day!!

T-minus 30 minutes until we get to see if the little eagles have stuck around!!  Please send your thoughts and prayers...I am so nervous/terrified.  I'll update later this afternoon if I can, but I'm hitting the road to Philadelphia so I'll do my best!!

Here we go...

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

6 Weeks and Happy ICLW!!

Welcome!!  As you probably guessed from the title, I am newly pregnant.  I am 6 weeks today and I couldn't be happier.  It's been a long road (not as long as some, but exhausting, isolating, depressing, hopeless, frustrating, and awful just the same).  I'm glad you stopped by.  Here's the brief run-down...

We started TTC in March 2010.  I went off birth control, started temping, and by July had my first BFP!!  At 6 weeks, we saw one beautiful little heartbeat.  At 10 weeks, the heartbeat was gone and my baby had stopped growing at 8w5d.  To say that it was heartbreaking is an understatement.  I had my first D&C later that day, then had a 2nd D&C one week later for a retained blood clot.  We waited for 2 cycles before TTC (the 2nd of which I had to use Provera) and then I had 2 super long cycles with late ovulation. 

My OB started my on 3 months of Clomid with a brief chemical pregnancy at the end of the 3rd cycle.  Then, we took a month off for further testing and I had my HSG (which was normal) and tons of blood work (all normal). 

Then, it was off to RE #1 for clomid, trigger shot, and TI...and ultimately BFN.  By August though, I moved to my current RE's office and they are wonderful.  We underwent 2 cycles of Femara, Trigger Shot, IUI with no luck and one cycle off due to a large cyst.  With my BFN around Thanksgiving time, my husband and I knew that it was time to go big or go home and we started planning for IVF. 

We took that month off for tests (blood work, repeat semen analysis, saline hysterogram and mock transfer) and I prayed for a miracle before we shelled out the big bucks.  It was not meant to be as AF arrived 2 days after Christmas.  We rang in the New Year with BCP and antibiotics. 

I went in for my baseline scan on January 9th and got the clear to start stims on January 14th.  My egg retrieval was January 25th and we got 12 eggs.  Of those 12, 7 fertilized and we had a day 3 transfer of 2 8-cell embryos (excellent grades and minimal fragmentation) on January 28th.  Unfortunately, none of our remaining 5 embryos made it to freeze.  After 2 glorious days on bed rest (seriously, I loved it!!) the 2WW dragged on and my doubt and anxiety crept up.  I started testing with leftover OPKs around 4dp3dt and at 8dp3dt I was rewarded with a BFP.  I continued testing all week leading up to my beta.  My first beta was on February 10th at 13dp3dt (16dpo) and it was a nice high 1397!!!  My 2nd beta 3 days later was 4,320 with a doubling time of 44 hours.  Now, I'm in my 2nd 2WW as I await my ultrasound next Monday.  Oh yeah, and I'm continuing to POAS just for reassurance that I really am pregnant. 

If you made it this far, thanks for reading!!  If anyone has advice for pregnancy after miscarriage that would be very much appreciated because I'm terrified that I will lose these babies (baby) after we fought so long and hard to get here.  I am so in love with them already and I really hope that they stick around.  Only 5 more sleeps until my first ultrasound!!

Sunday, February 19, 2012

A nice relaxing weekend...

is exactly what I needed.  I had to work for 7 hours on Saturday and then after I got home, I just sat on the couch, watched TV with CJ, played with my puppy, took a nap, ate Chinese food, and went to bed early.  Today, I went to church, went to the store, and came home to more quality time with CJ and the puppy on our couch.  It has been wonderful.  I've been so tired this week that I really needed to spend this time just resting and I've loved every minute of it.

I have a funny store and a confession to make.

I'll start with the confession.  I'm still POAS...every other day.  I just can't help it.  I went to the dollar store and bought 5 tests last week and tested every other day and then I got a few more today and plan on doing the same.  The line is getting a little darker each time which is fun to watch, but I just like the confirmation that I'm still pregnant.  It's been giving me something to look forward to in the mornings and it's helping pass the time...but I kinda feel like an addict.

Now, for my funny story.  I was reading a blog today and someone had posted their pictures of HPTs and the progression of the line getting darker.  CJ came in and said "Oh look someone keeps all their tests like you and posts the pictures."  And then I said, "Yea, a lot of women post pictures of their pee sticks."  He thought this was hilarious.  Then, he said "Well, I'm gonna go use my pee stick now" and he headed off to use the bathroom.  I have a feeling that I will be hearing the term pee stick from him an awful lot now, but its so funny and he really cracks me up.

Well, its time to go back to the couch and watch some more Downton Abby.  We're on Season 2 now and it's soooooo good!!!

Thursday, February 16, 2012


I can't believe I just wrote that.  I'm just very happy and very thankful to be here and I hope it just keeps on going.  My first ultrasound is 11 days from now at 6w5d on Monday February 27th.  I'm so nervous and excited, but I'm still feeling very confident in the pregnancy because I'm already feeling pretty sick and I'm absolutely exhausted.  I even hope that I start throwing up and don't stop until I'm out of the 1st trimester because that would be so reassuring.  (I really do mean that...I'm loving feeling nausous and tired right now because it means that the little eagles are growing!!)

Off to get some rest.  I have a couple of posts to catch up on, but I just don't have the energy today including being Tagged and my thoughts on being pregnant after a miscarriage.

I hope you all are having a great week!!

Monday, February 13, 2012

Beta #2

I have more good news to report.  My beta this morning was 4,320 which is a doubling time of about 45 hours, which the nurse said is perfect, especially since the number is so high.  I still can't believe how high these numbers's giving me so much hope.  Everyone at the doctor's office was very nice and congratulatory today which was awesome and then when the IVF nurse called to tell me the results she sounded kinda giddy on the phone.  It was great. 

The next step is to wait 2 weeks before my first ultrasound.  I think I'm going to schedule it for Monday February 27th or Wednesday February 29th which will put me at 6w5d or 7w.  It's going to be another long 2WW, but I am so filled with hope right now and I'm going to try really hard to just take it one day at a time. 

Mostly, I just like thinking..."I'm pregnant!"  I'm so happy!! 

I hope you all had a great weekend!! 

Saturday, February 11, 2012

The 2nd week of the 2WW...

My last post of the first week of the 2WW was last Friday and I was feeling very down and negative about the cycle.  I realized that I had a ton of digital ovulation tests leftover and since we would just be continuing with IVF if this cycle didn't work then I figured that I wouldn't need them anyways, so I might as well as them.  I know, I know you are not supposed to test early, but I was going crazy in my head and this was the only thing that felt good to me.  Plus, I have spent the last 7 cycles before IVF not testing early and that didn't help me to get pregnant either so I figured that I had nothing to lose.  So, on Friday afternoon I tested the digital was negative, but when I popped the stick out there was a clear line and it had been stark white 2 days before.  So, I went on my way.  Saturday morning, still negative digital, but darker test line and it looked like my tests always look the day before I get my smiley face.

Sunday morning dawned bright and clear.  I tested again.  I remember staring at the blinking test and picturing a smiley face in my mind when sure enough...Positive digital OPK.  OMG!!  Now, the rule as I understand it is...if you get a positive OPK then a HPT should also be positive.  So, I did what any sane infertile person would do (sane infertile, is that even possible??) and went to church and stopped by the store on my way home and picked up a cheap Target brand 3-pack of tests.  I held my urine for 4 hours and tested with the HPT.  Sure enough, a line popped up nice and quick.  There I was only 8 dp3dt and I had the first positive HPT that I have seen in a very long time.  I told CJ, but he didn't even really want to believe it and he was kinda upset that I tested early when we decided together that we weren't going to do that.  (I don't blame him at all.)

I spent the rest of the week peeing on sticks every morning.  At 9dp3dt I used another HPT and even darker line popped up right away.  Then, at 10 dp3dt, I used another OPK and sure enough the smiley face was still there and the line was super dark.  Then, on 11dp3dt I took my first ever digital test that showed the beautiful "Pregnant."  It was awesome!!  It was also CJ's birthday so I thought that it was a great gift for him, but he didn't even want to talk about it until after the beta.  On Thursday, at 12dp3dt in the morning I took my last HPT and the line was almost as dark as the control line.  I started freaking out.  What if this wasn't real?  Did I get my hopes up for nothing?  So that night I took my last OPK and it was still a smiley face and the test line was darker than the control by a long shot.

And that is how I spent my 2ww.

My goal now is to google less and enjoy every minute that I am blessed to be pregnant.  I am pregnant right now and so, so happy!!

Thank you to everyone for your wonderful comments and support!!!

Friday, February 10, 2012

Beta #1

Guess what?!?  The nurse started the post off with "It's good news!!"  My Beta today at 13dp3dt is 1397!!!

Wow!!  That seems super high, but I'm excited.  Hopefully, it just means that both little eagles are planning on sticking around.  The IVF nurse said that it was a wonderful number and that it is high, but that might indicate twins, but did not seem concerned.  I go in on Monday for a repeat beta.  She also said that I may need to still be cautious with my activity level since my beta is so high that my ovaries might start to get bigger again.  And to tell you what, I have noticed more soreness down there that is similar to when I was triggering for the retrieval. 

I can't believe today is finally here.
I can't believe I already had my beta drawn.
I can't believe I'm pregnant.  Yea!

This time around I am going to believe in my babies and try not to spend all my time worried about miscarriage.  That is all I did the last time I was pregnant and it didn't change the outcome.  This time I have every reason to be optimistic.  The embryos were normal when we put them back in, my lining looked great, I'm continuing with the PIO shots, and I believe in the little eagles and I can't wait to meet them!!

I will post later about the second week of the 2WW and how I passed the time.  It's really only interesting to me and I couldn't post at the time, but now I want to document it. 

Thank you everyone for your wonderful support and optimism and help through this wonderful and difficult time!!  I have the best followers!!  I feel so blessed!!

Happy, happy Friday!!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

How am I going to make it to tomorrow?

Today has crawled by.  I'm super anxious about the Beta tomorrow.  I have another lecture at work and then I'm heading home where I plan on relaxing on the couch, watching tv, and trying to go to sleep as early as possible.  Please, please, please let this be it!!!

12dp3dt....or 1 day until Beta

I'm still here and trying to read along with everyone else, but for some reason I couldn't post.    I have no idea how I made it through the past week...and now I have no idea how I'm gonna make it through the next day.  Beta tomorrow.  I'll go in and have my blood drawn around 8:30am and I cannot wait!  I hope I'll have some good news to share tomorrow.  Until then, I'm just gonna be trying to make it through the day.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

5dp3dt or 1 week and 1 day until Beta...

I figured a couple of things out last night.  I think some of my negativity right now comes from the fact that I am currently working nights.  I came back from bed rest straight to working the night shift and that's just hard for morale because I don't get to see my friends at work except when they are stuck their late on-call and I don't get to see my husband at home except for the few short minutes after I get home before I fall asleep.  Plus, this week at work has been exhausting. 

I'm also really bloated now too, but I just feel incredibly fat.  I've been trying to cut back on eating snacks and candy, etc since I'm not exercising, but it's tough, especially on the night  I think I'm going to start taking short, leisurely walks this weekend and continue through my beta.  I asked my clinic about walking and they said routine walking is okay, but long, strenuous walks are probably not, but a nice 15-30minute walk with my dog will probably be fine. 

Finally, (and this is the big one) I realized that at every point last year when we were trying new treatments and TTC, I was so hopeful every month.  When we first started trying after the miscarriage, I fully believed that we would get pregnant right away...and that didn't happen.  Then, as soon as we started Clomid and perfectly timed intercourse and earlier ovulation, I thought that we would get pregnant...and that didn't happen.  When we added mid-cycle monitoring and trigger shot and timed intercourse, I thought that we would get pregnant...and that didn't happen.  When I switched to femara with trigger and IUI, I thought that we would get pregnant...and that didn't happen.  Now, here I am one week and one day away from finding out if my first IVF cycle worked and I can't help but feel like history may be bound to repeat itself.  Because you see, every month last year, I firmly believed that it was THE month when we would finally make our rainbow.  Now, I feel like we have every reason why this IVF cycle worked...a nice, thick lining (somewhere between 11-13) and 2 beautiful 8-cell embabies with low fragmentation transferred on day 3...and I'm terrified that once again despite how good it sounds on paper, despite how desperately I want this to work, despite believing that it should work (how could it not work, right?) that my body will fail me, that my clinic will call and say "I'm sorry" instead of "congratulations," that AF will arrive once again. 


I know, I know that was a very 'woe is me paragraph.'  I really do know that, but I also know that I feel like a weight has been lifted from my chest after writing that down and I'm slightly more relaxed knowing why I'm so very nervous to find out if this worked or not.  That's what this blog is here I can get all my thoughts and feelings out there and take a load off my heart and my head. 

I'll leave you with one football tidbit.  I am a huge Patriot fan since I grew up in New England.  As such, if the Pats were playing the Eagles, I would obviously cheer for the Pats.  However, my father-in-law is a huge Eagles fan, so when the Eagles are playing anyone else, we tend to route for the Eagles.  Now, we did not name the little eagles after the Eagles football team and I know that the Eagles are not playing in the Superbowl this year, but let's just say for the next 1 week and 1 day I am the biggest little eagle fan and I'll be rooting and praying for them!!

**I just looked up the definition of rooting (because I was trying to figure out how to spell and this is also what I came up with...

v. root·ed, root·ing, roots
1. To grow roots or a root.
2. To become firmly established, settled, or entrenched.
3. To come into existence; originate.
1. To cause to put out roots and grow.
2. To implant by or as if by the roots.
So yea, I'll totally be rooting for my little eagles!!

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

I'm PUPO with twins!!

I know, I know...I'm already 3dp3dt and I just posted this kinda sad, rambling post, but I realized that I hadn't posted that I'm PUPO and I really am super-grateful for this awesome chance to get pregnant.

Please stick around little Eagles!!


The embryologist called my husband at work today and updated him on our remaining embryos.  (They had my phone number wrong somehow.)  The result...nothing to freeze.  I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty sad about it.  I just had this idea that I would go through this cycle, have a lot of healthy eggs retrieved, have a lot of fertilized embryos to work with, make it to a 5dt, and have some frozen blasts for our 2nd try if needed.  That's not really how the cycle went at all though.  I'm sad that we lost our 6 embryos and I'm nervous about what that means about the 2 embryos that we transferred.

On the other hand, I made it to retrieval, had 12 eggs retrieved, 7 fertilized with dish insemination only, 8 made it to day 3, and we transferred 3 beautiful 8-cell embryos with minimal fragmentation and here I am already 3dp3dt.  I am so thankful for that.

I will say that this 2WW has the making of being incredibly hard on me.  I'm just not sure how I'm going to make it to February 10th (which will be 13dp3dt) which seems very late.  I'm going to try to hold off on testing, but I do have a bunch of ovulation tests at home just sitting around and 2 digital pregnancy tests.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to need CJ to hide them from me, especially since I took one of the ovulation tests today just to make sure that the trigger was no longer in my system and sure enough, I got a negative.  Now, I just have to make sure that I don't test again, but I have well over a week to wait and it's going to be hard.

I'm also having a hard time deciding to how I feel about this cycle.  On one hand, this is the best shot that we have had a pregnancy since we first got pregnant in July 2010...a very long time ago.  I have every reason to believe that this will work.  I can imagine it.  February 10th dawns and I head over to the clinic for my first time in 2 weeks when they open at 8am.  They draw blood from the big vein in my left arm, say good luck, and I head back home.  Then, I get ready to go to work at 11am.  I'm on-call that day so I'm not sure when I'm going go get out, but at some point in the evening, I get relieved and head home.  I get home and with CJ there at my side, I call the results message service.  I type in the numbers that will bring me to my messages, and the nurse says, "Congratulations!  You're pregnant!"  And I have a nice high beta!!  I feel like I'm so close to that fairy tale ending and yet so far away because the very opposite could be the reality.  The crazy and hard thing is that there is nothing that I can do about it except try to relax.

I'm going to try to face the rest of this 2WW with a restrained optimism.  At least, if I believe that it worked then I will feel better for the next 10 days while I'm waiting and I won't have wasted this time being sad before I even heard the news.  The other reassuring thing is that we have another 3 cycles as part of our success-guarantee program so if it doesn't work, we can just try again.

So, there is hope and there is so much longing...hope for a pregnancy in the works, hope to finally get another BFP, and a desperate longing to finally bring my rainbow baby(ies) into the world.