Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Updates and A New Plan!

So, my new cycle started on Sunday and I called the new RE on Monday to try to get in for a CD 3 ultrasound so that we could go ahead with treatment this cycle, but then the receptionist said that since I didn't have a treatment plan from my previous RE that I would need a new patient appointment before we could start treatment and my new patient appointment wasn't until Thursday (CD5).  So, I asked her if she had any cancellations for Monday or Tuesday  (this was at 11:00am on Monday) and she had a cancellation for Monday at 1pm.  I told her I could make it (since I was post call and not working).  I'm hoping it was fate! So, I went in for my new patient appointment and it was wonderful.  I love my new RE.  He's younger and very considerate and awesome!!  The office is great too.  They got all of my old records too which really helped.  He did a history and we talked about what I had tried in the past.  Then, he said "don't you want to know why you aren't ovulating regularly?"  And I said "Definitely."  I feel like he's treating me like a serious case now and wants to figure it out.  Then, he said " so are you pretty much at the end of your rope?"  Finally, someone who is acknowledging how hard this is and justifying my presence in an RE's office.  I told him I definitely was and then almost started crying, but he was very understanding and very positive.  It was awesome.  Then, we went in for an exam and ultrasound.  I have an anteverted uterus and we could see the corpus luteum cyst on my left ovary and a few follicles and then a cyst on my right ovary and quite a few follicles.  So, he said it looks like a mild form of PCOS.  Then, after I got dressed we met again to talk about a treatment plan.  So, here it is.  Femera (Letrazole) 5mg CD 3-7.  Then, I'll go in for an ultrasound on CD 13.  If there's a mature follicle, I'll do a trigger shot there and come back the next day for my first IUI.  CJ and I are both so excited for the IUI because it's something that will help our chances and it's totally different than what we've been doing in the past.  I just hope we get the timing down.  I'm also really excited about the femara since it seems to have a better success rate than clomid and there are none of the bad side effects (thin lining and poor CF).  I think I had thinner lining on clomid because AF is almost gone and it's only CD 4.

Here's the cost breakdown for the cycle.
New patient appointment and ultrasound and blood work - covered under fertility testing by my insurance --> $30 copay
Femera  - not covered by my insurance --> $152 at Walmart Pharmacy
Mid-cycle monitoring ultrasound --> $157 (hopefully only x 1)
IUI --> $400
OPKs - I'm going to start testing at CD 10 to make sure I don't surge earlier on the femera --> $25
Pregnancy test - I have 2 dollar tree tests left over --> $0 (I'm going to try to just wait on AF)
Total cost --> $764 (As long as I only need one ultrasound.)

So, it's not too bad, we were figuring somewhere between $1000-2000, so this sounds really good by comparison.

Plus, CJ even said that this may not be our last cycle with treatment since it sounds like my new RE is really good.  So, that takes some pressure off too!

Alright, well cycle 9 and our first IUI (hopefully!!).  I can't wait!!!

Sunday, August 28, 2011

A new year...

Last year August 28th was a very sad, very hard day.  This year, I'm not quite as sad and I really have come along way, but AF arrived a short time ago and I'm devastated.

Why can't we get pregnant again?????  That would have been the best way to celebrate surviving this year with a BFP tomorrow, but it is not too be.  I'm sure God heard my prayer, but he's just saying, be patient, not right now.  I know that when we do finally get pregnant and have our rainbow baby, he or she is going to be worth waiting for, but it's hard to think about facing another month of not being pregnant.

You'd think that it would get easier since I've already gone through 12 months of not being pregnant.

CD 1, cycle #9, here we go again...

My prayer this Sunday

Dear God,

Please let me be pregnant this month and have a safe, happy, healthy 9 months and bring home my rainbow baby.  Please don't let AF come and keep her away for the next 9+ months.  I want this so bad.  Thank you for all the blessings in my life.


Friday, August 26, 2011

A Year Ago and A different lifetime...

First quick update....13 dpo today and still no testing!!  I pretty sure I'll be able to make it to next week without wasting anymore tests.  I definitely do not want to see another BFN and if AF doesn't arrive, then we'll see.

In other news, it was on Friday, August 27, 2010 that I found out about my missed miscarriage.  Later that day, I had my first d&c and within moments I was no longer pregnant.  I still remember the day so clearly and I thought that I would blog about it so that maybe I can free up my thoughts and let go a little bit.

So, it was a beautiful, sunny, hot August day.  I was on an easy cardiology rotation.  I went in for a couple of hours in the morning, but then I left around 11:00am because I had a doctors appointment.  I remember being so excited for my appointment and the weekend and to be 10 weeks.  Before my appointment, I met CJ for lunch.  We ate outside.  I had a chicken curry sandwich (but I saved half of it for later) and we split a side of pasta salad.  It was so much fun.  Then, we headed home so I could pack really quickly before we went to my appointment because I was supposed to be on an amtrak train to New York City after my appointment.  Then, we headed to the doctors office.  I remember sitting in the waiting room and talking with CJ about whether or not we wanted to find out the sex and we couldn't agree.  He wanted to find out and I kinda wanted to be surprised but it was just a fun, happy, light conversation.  I remember being so happy.  Then, we went back to the room.  We talked to the nurse.  My weight hadn't changed at all, but that was to be expected.  Then, my doctor came in the room and we talked for a little bit and then she got me up on the table.  She put a doppler on my belly and searched for the heart beat.  A couple of times she said, I think that's it there, but she never got a strong beat, but she said that could be normal since I was only 10 weeks and the baby could be hiding behind the placenta.  So, then she turned on the ultrasound machine and placed it on my belly.  I remember in the moment before she did that how excited I was to see my baby and I looked over at CJ and his face was pure happiness and he had a huge giddy smile.  Then, the probe went on my belly and I looked up at the screen to see a baby that looked a lot bigger than it had at 6 weeks, but then my doctor asked "how far along are you again?"  I said 10 weeks and she said "this doesn't look like 10 weeks, it only looks like 8 weeks and I can't see a heartbeat.  My world was forever changed in that moment.  The very thing that I had feared so much had come true.  My baby was gone.

What followed was endless tears, difficulty sleeping, 2 surgeries, waiting for 5 weeks to get AF again, then waiting another cycle until we could try again, taking provera to finally get my 2nd AF, then so many BFN, more tears, more waiting, 5 cycles of clomid, one trigger shot, roughly $500 for to our RE (with a lot more to go), acupuncture, hula hooping, baby aspirin, 2 huge bottles of prenatal vitamins, a lot of baby dancing and laying around with my hips up afterwards, an 8 week mindfulness class, more tears, feeling lonely, missing my baby, passing his/her due date to get me to where I am today...which is still not pregnant and childless.  I've come along way in so many other ways, but in the one that's most important to me, I still haven't been able to succeed in my goals.  Maybe by next year at this time I'll be pregnant or have a baby, but I really just don't know because the reality is that I might be right here again.  I'm sad today.  I really thought that this was going to be such a different year.  Now, I'm just trying to be hopeful about the future, but that's a little harder today.

Thanks for listening.  I'm glad I got that out.  Tomorrow is the actual anniversary so we'll see how it goes.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Happy Thursday

It's 12 dpo today and I'm holding testing!!

Got a pedicure yesterday during my post-call day off.  So relaxing and I love the color I picked.  A dark blue/purple color with a little bit of shimmer.  Saw Harry Potter last night and it was awesome!!  We also bought a cute key holder chalkboard thing from Urban Outfitters and new curtains for our living room.  I'm so excited!!

I'm on call tonight, but hopefully I won't be here too late.  I'm feeling pretty good today.  I'm trying to get excited about IUI next cycle in hopes of not being too disappointmented if AF decides to show next week.  I also called another acupunture clinic in town to see if their appointment are less expensive.  That would be a huge benefit. 

Wednesday, August 24, 2011


11 dpo and no testing for me today.  Well, it's still early, but I think I can be strong.  That's the problem with having cheap tests in the house.  It's almost worth the risk of seeing a BFN if you get a BFP because then the world magically changes...but I just don't think my heart can handle another BFN and then wait 5 days for AF to arrive.

But since I'm staying's my August horoscope.

On August 28, the Virgo new moon opens a new chapter for intimacy, one that could bring an engagement, a pregnancy, the purchase of a shared home, or another relationship rite of passage. Your jointly held property is highlighted by this new moon, which forms an auspicious angle to transformational Pluto in your twelfth house of endings and release. In the best sense, this could be a day that you truly forgive and forget, or that you experience a true soul mate connection that dates back to past lifetimes. Some Aquarians may decide to move on from a toxic relationship, cutting your losses and trusting that the universe has a more honest, uncomplicated match for you.

Then, it goes on to say this...

The August 28th Virgo new moon puts your emotions in the spotlight. Its angle to transformational Pluto in your twelfth house of endings indicates that you may need to release something—a person, a pattern, a fixation on things being a certain way—in order to start anew. If you’re holding onto something, be it material or energetic, the only way is surrender. Summon the courage to let go. A pregnancy is possible at this new moon. In fact, if you’re hoping to conceive, this would be a good time to try, especially since expansive Jupiter goes retrograde (backward) in your motherhood house from August 30-December 25

Fingers crossed that this turns out to be my month!!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

A new day

Yes, my post from yesterday was a little dramatic and sad...but I blame the glass of red wine I had at dinner with some girlfriends last night and the fact that this Saturday is the one year anniversary of my miscarriage and d&c.  I can't believe it's been a year already...but more than that I cannot believe that I'm still not pregnant (well I might be, but I'm still waiting for implantation.)  I really thought that I would be pregnant again already and we are doing everything right and yet each month AF comes and its getting harder and harder. 

However, today is a new day and I'm going to focus on the positives and some recent happy events,  I'm gonna go with bullet points because there is a lot to catch up on.

1.  We had a great vacation in Hilton Head.  The weather was perfect and it was so relaxing  It was the week before ovulation and I ovulated on the Saturday that we were driving home, so I'm hoping the relaxing from vacation is what did it for us this time around.  It was so nice to have a week off from work and to get to sleep in past 5:30 (and not set an alarm!!).  I got along really well with my family too.  (My pregnant twin sister was not there...which is why I was able to relax and we didn't really even talk about her.)

2.  CJ and I celebrated our 3rd Wedding Anniversary on last week.  I can't believe it has been 3 years.  He is without a doubt my best friend, true companion, and soul mate.  He wrote the sweetest thing on a card that he gave me.  I'm paraphrasing but he basically said that this is what he always dreamed marriage would be like and he's glad that he married his best friend (me!!).  He is the best man and the perfect man for me.  To celebrate we went out to dinner and then got some ice cream for dessert, but we were so full that we just saved the ice cream for another day.  It was nice to have a date night and then come home to our wonderful puppy! Here's to many more wonderful years!!

3.  We went camping this past weekend with our puppy and some friends.  It was nice to get away again and it was just a really relaxing weekend with lots of reading and hiking and board games. 

4.  I won my first ever giveaway.  Thanks to Diana at  If you havent been to over to her blog yet, you should totally check it out.  It's awesome and she is so positive.  I'm hoping that my winning the giveaway is a sign of good things to come...fingers crossed.  (See I told you I was being more positive today.)

5.  I made some extra money moonlighting at work tonight, which is great because I have to be here anyways and it's nice to have a little bit of money going into a IUI cycle. 

6.  I moving to a new fertility clinic and hopefully, we'll be going forward with IUI this month.  I'm hoping to try something else besides Clomid because even though it's getting me to ovulate, it's just not getting me knocked up. I'm really excited for IUI.  It looks like the cycle with cost about $1000, but it will depend on which meds I'm on and how many ultrasounds I need.  I will need a minimum of 2 ultrasounds (cd3 and cd12) and then we'll see.  The IUI is roughly $400.  I have my first appointment over there next Thursday.  Depending on how this cycle finishes that may be later than cd3 so then they told me to just give them a call and they'll bring me in on cd3.  The woman on the phone was so nice and helpful and was actually able to answer all my questions about how the cycle will work and how much it will cost.  (As you know though, I'm hoping an IUI won't be needed and that I'm baking one or more little ones as we speak.) 

7.  I decided not to test again.  Last night was just a slip brought on my over-thinking and red wine.  By the light of day though I think I will be better off just waiting for AF to show next Monday or Tuesday.  If she's a no show that I'll test either Monday or Tuesday.  I had an interesting horoscope for this month with a mention of possible pregnany with the new moon on the 28th, so we'll see what the new moon brings.  Plus, I ovulated on a full moon!!  That should count for something. 

Alright, well I got have to get back to work!!  Have a great night!!

Monday, August 22, 2011

9 dpo


The waves are hitting me.  This sucks!!

Treading water...

So I know I 'm still due for a post about my vacation and anniversary (3 years!!) but i came up with a good analogy about my life that I wanted to share. 

So here goes...when I got pregnant the first time last year, I started swimming to the island of motherhood (okay a little cheesy but bare with me.)   When I miscarried a big storm came and I sunk for a little while.  I finally resurfaced in December when we started ttc again and I began treading water.  I've been treading water ever since then, but as each cycle passes, the fatigue sets in and it becomes harder to keep my head above water.  And then there are the waves that hit me from time to my sister getting pregnant, a couple of friends at work being pregnant, another BFN, having AF show up again even when we did everything right.

When I do get pregnant again, I'm be floating on top of the water and I'll get to start swimming back to the island.  I can't wait for that day!!

Until then, I'll just keep treading!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Really bad day...

So yesterday was not the best day.  I found out that another co-worker was pregnant and due at New Years and I got my first every speeding ticket.  CJ was really mad at me for speeding on the back roads and I just couldn't stop crying.  The vacation glow has pretty much worn off.  

Here's hoping today's a better day with much less crying involved.

PS I'm back from vacation and I'll have a longer post/update coming soon!

Friday, August 5, 2011

Vacation time!!

We leave for vacation in about 18 hours.  I can't wait!!  One week with CJ on the beach.  Yea, we're going with my family too, but I'm going to try to really focus on hanging out with CJ so that we can have some nice, relaxing time together away from our busy lives.  We're leaving behind our amazing puppy, but he's staying with friends who have a couple of dogs, so he'll be in good hands.
So, I had my acupuncture appointment on Monday.  It was interesting.  The lady does specialize in infertility and said she has lots of success stories.  She told me that I would need to give her 3 months and that we are basically getting the garden ready to plant (with a baby).  She was a little blunt and business-like at times, but I am hopeful that this will help.  So, after my interview with her, she examined my pulses, looked at my tongue, and then we got on with the treatment.  I had needles in my forehead, both hands, one foot, and one leg/knee.  It didn't really hurt at all just a couple of zings when the needles contacted my chi and hopefully got it flowing again.  Her other recommendations with interesting and I'm doing my best to follow them.
1.  Herbs - The Blossom herbs in capsules.  I take 3 pills 3 times every day and go through different phases for each week of my cycle.
2.  Sing - really belt it out.  She said I have some stagnation issues and this will help get things moving.  (I think my hula hooping will also help.)
3.  Eat red fruits and vegetables - this is supposed to help my blood.  So far this week I've had red peppers, tomatoes, sweet potato, mandarin oranges, raspberries and watermelon.  (She said orange was okay too.)
4.  Eat cooked vegetables rather than cold salads to warm me up.  I started getting the cooked vegetables in the cafeteria for lunch this week and some days they were really tasty.
5.  Get moving - this is to help with the stagnation.  I went for a run this week, went swimming with a friend, took my dog for a bunch of walks, and have been hula hooping.
That's about it.  I made another appointment for when I get back from vacation and it will be cd 19, so maybe her treatment can help with ovulation or implantation.
I'm still not temping and no OPKs!!  I never really minded temping, but it's realy nice not temping and basing my day on what number was on the thermometer.  I finished my clomid yesterday and so far no real side effects except for some moodiness, but overall I'm feeling pretty good.  I started taking mucinex 400mg 3 times a day (with my herbs), so I'm hoping for some good CM when the time comes to BD...which we will be sneaking in while we're on vacation next week!!

I hope you all have a great weekend!!  I know have 21 followers which is so exciting!  Thanks for reading!!

Monday, August 1, 2011

Trying something new...

This afternoon, I have my first acupuncture appointment.  I'm really excited and a little nervous.  It's really nice to be trying something different this time around.  I cannot help but be hopeful once again...but there is definitely some reservation since I have been hopeful for the past 7 cycles.  This cycle also feels different because I'm not temping and I won't be doing OPKs.  I'm hoping at some point after I finish taking the clomid that I will just forget what cycle day I'm on and go a couple of months without a period and wake up and be in my 2nd trimester.  Ahh, wouldn't that be nice?!?

I can't believe it's August already.  Last year at this time I was pregnant and happy and terrified of a miscarriage.  I cannot believe that I have made it 11+ months and I'm still not even a little bit pregnant.  My sister on the other hand is in her 5th month of her 3rd pregnancy.  Everything is going really well with her and her pregnancy so that's good.  I was hoping to be pregnant at the same time as her though and my window of opportunity is running out.  Oh well. These days, I'm feeling much better and I'm able to enjoy my life with CJ and our puppy a lot more now.  I am so very grateful for my wonderful husband and everyday with him is an amazing blessing!  We're going on vacation next week to the beach and I'm hoping it's just what the doctor ordered as far as relaxing and taking our minds off of TTC.  We are going with my family though, so we'll have to sneak in our babydancing sessions.  I just can't wait for a week of reading fun books, running on the beach, playing tennis, swimming, eating good food, and sleeping in.  Only 4.5days of work left until we leave!!