Monday, September 26, 2011

More bad news...

Well, I had my CD3 ultrasound today.  My right ovary looked good with a few antral follicles.  But my left ovary decided to hold on to the corpus luteum this time around.  Yep, I have a 3cm corpus luteum cyst on my left ovary and just like that there will be no femara or IUI this time around.  My options were birth control so that I could definitely get my next period in 4 weeks, provera (start taking it in a couple of weeks), or nothing and try naturally.  I just couldn't handle the idea of not trying this month, so we are going to go at it the old fashioned way.  I left the office in tears, but I went to a hot yoga class right afterwards and that always relaxes me and cheers me up.  So, I bought an unlimited monthly pass.  That's right, I'm tired of being a sad, depressed, not-pregnant, infertile woman who's always on the brink of tears. That stops today.  Now, I'm officially a Yogi!!  Let's see how many classes I can get to in the next 31 days!!  I can't wait!!

Plus. all this stretching has got to be good for BD'ing!!

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Hanging my a thread...

I'm sorry I haven't been around recently and haven't really participated in ICLW.  I needed a break from blogger and I was trying to get on with my life in the hopes of having a really happy BFP post this weekend.  No such luck.  AF arrived this morning.  Just in time for me to go to work for another call shift of 30 hours.  And I thought that I was sad before.  Now, I'm just kind of numb alternating with depressed, angry, and frustrated.  Why can't we get pregnant again???  It just doesn't make any sense and it just plain sucks.

I have another metaphor for this whole miscarriage and trying to conceive after loss thing.  After my miscarriage last year, I was thrown a life line, a metaphorical rope of support from family and friends and of hope that I would get pregnant again soon and have a rainbow baby.  Every cycle that has passed since then has frayed the rope.  I feel like I'm hanging by threads at this point.  I'm not really sure what to do about it except cling to those threads and go forward with another femara/IUI cycle.  This time, I'm determined to time everything perfectly even if it means using my precious sick days if needed.

Here's what I'm thinking the plan will be.  First step, CD 3 ultrasound on Monday.  (So, the plan might change after that.)  Then femara again CD 3-7.  Monitoring ultrasound either CD 10 or 11 (since CD 13 was obviously too late last month.)  Trigger shot.  IUI #2.  Struggle through another awesome/fun 2WW.  I'm also going to ask about injections since I only had one follicle on femara and maybe we just need more targets.

Wow, this really sucks and the worst part is that I really feel like my prayers are falling on deaf ears and I'm not sure what the point is anymore.  I haven't gone to church in a month and I'm not sure that I can bring myself to go back until I'm pregnant again.  I feel like I've been abandoned since my miscarriage last year.  Why did my sister have to get pregnant (for the 3rd time) and not me?  Why is everyone else that I work with or on facebook or even on these blogs able to get pregnant?  The big question is what am I going to do about it and at this point, I'm going to try to make it through my call today and my 2 more calls this week and then we'll see.  Right now, I just need to not cry while I'm at work...but that's not really going so well now...

Thursday, September 15, 2011

So sad today...

Well, here I am back at work and on-call for another 9 more hours.  I've been thinking about writing this post all day, but now in the wee hours of morning while I'm waiting to accept a patient I finally have some time.  I may ramble and vent a little bit, but I'll plan that on the sleep deprivation.
So, for the past couple of months, I've been telling myself and my family and friends that I'm fine whenever they ask.  Some days, that's true, some days I'm better than fine (like when I was doing hot yoga or the day of my IUI when I was feeling downright good), and some days I'm feeling a whole lot worse than today.  For some reason, ever since yesterday afternoon I have been feeling really sad, down, depressed, jealous, frustrated, etc.  I'm sure that has made me a lot of fun to work with but I'm actually pretty good at putting on a good face at work even though I'm really sad.  I think I can attribute my sadness/depression to a couple of different things, so now it's time for a list.
1.  I need new and better friends.  I started re-watching episodes of sex and the city.  What I love most about the show is the amazing friendship between the 4 women.  I want that so badly and I realized that I just don't have any friends who completely measure up.  Before her most recent pregnancy, Lil was my best friend who I could call at anytime, but I can't do that anymore. It's just too hard to talk about my follicle ultrasounds when she's going in for ultrasounds of her 3rd baby to be.  I also had amazing support from friends both near and far when I had my miscarriage last year.  There was rarely a day that went by that I didn't hear from someone checking in on me or asking me if I wanted to grab dinner or get together.  That's just not the case this year.  I'm having a harder time reaching out to my friends and they probably don't realize how much I'm struggling.  I have tried to talk to my closest friends and I just always leave the situation or conversation feeling like they just don't get it.  So, I try not to talk about it and I feel so lonely.  That's how miscarriage and infertility have changed me the most by making me feel lonely and isolated despite trying to reach out.  Now, I'm on the quest for an infertility support group close to me or at least some new friends.  I'm looking for a Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha.
2.  I miss my family, but I feel let down by them.  I have a wonderful family and I'm blessed to have amazing parents, a fun little brother and sister, and my wonderful twin sister who I love so much and who I just can't talk to very much anymore.  I've gone through these phases where I miss my family so then I try to tell them about things that are going on and then they just come back with you need to see a therapist and what's wrong with you and it's been over a year so you should be over your miscarriage and you might never have children.  I've heard all of that from them over the summer and I just don't want to go through that again, so I'm pulling away and I'm sad. 
3.  The 2WW is really tough.  I've gone through 8 of these before and each time I was very optimistic, searching for signs (creamy CM, sore boobs, nausea, headache, cramps, food aversions) that this was my lucky cycle and each time AF has come and crushed me.  Now, I'm feeling hopeless and crushed in advance of her arrival.  I know that even if she comes we'll do another cycle with femara and IUI and the timing looks like it will work out really well since I'll have a 3 day weekend right around ovulation.  I just can't help but be sad and feel defeated.  Every month, I have tried to be optimistic, to practice mindfulness, to be happy, to relax, to exercise more, to not exercise, to hula hoop, etc and it just hasn't why should this cycle be any different.  I'm not ready to throw in the towel and I don't think I can take a break now because I want a baby so badly, but it's definitely getting harder and my coping mechanisms during the 2WW need an overhaul.  I'm near-tears right now just thinking about AF's arrival and I'm nervous that when she does show her face because she inevitably will it will completely crush me and I won't be able to bounce back or get out of bed. 
4.  I just want to be pregnant already.  I want my life back.  It was hijacked last year on August 27th and I want it back.  I've been working at picking up the pieces for the past year, but I'm missing the most important piece and I'm not sure how to complete the puzzle without it.  (Wow, that was a bunch of different metaphors all thrown in there!)  I want to stop thinking about my CM and ovulation cramps and paying out of pocket for fertility meds and procedures and not drinking alcohol and not exercising and drinking more water and googling every little thing.  I want to be able to study without my mind wandering frequently to am I pregnant now or will it work this cycle.  I want to be able to post about my BFP and my first ultrasounds and making it out of the first trimester and eventually posting the birth story of my patient.  Here's another metaphor.  TTC for me has been like a marathon.  Now, I've run a couple of marathons in my day (I ran my last one several months before we first started TTC and I haven't wanted to train for one since then in case it affected my TTC efforts.)  There's a big difference between my journey so far and running a marathon.  At least when you run a marathon, you know where the finish line is.  It's always at 26.2 miles.  So, when you hit the wall at mile 20, you just keep running because you are only 6.2 miles aways from the finish line and each step you take is bringing you closer to the finish line.  Well, I've hit the wall in my TTC journey, but I have no idea where the finish line or if I'm even getting closer to it.  So, I just keep running, but I'm getting tired and weary and I have no idea how I'm going to hang on.  I know that I will hang on because crossing the finish line and holding my baby in my arms one day will be worth every single second of loneliness and frustration that this year has brought me. 
If you have made it to this point in the post, I just wanted to thank you for listening.  As you can see, I don't really have anyone IRL who I can vent like this too. Thanks for letting me get this out.  If you have any extra baby dust or buckets full of baby dust, please send it my way!!

Monday, September 12, 2011


It's so funny writing those initials because I never thought that I would get here, but here I am 1 day past IUI and 2 days into my 5 days of pineapple core smoothies.  We'll see how it goes.  I'm trying to be hopeful/optimistic this month, but it's kinda hard because I'm pretty sure we missed ovulation with the IUI.  We BD'd before though so our bases were covered, but I think I would be feeling a lot better if we had done the IUI on Saturday.  Now, I'm just trying to get over that, "Augh, I should've done that" feeling and move on.  CJ is on board with another IUI.  I think he's so please with himself and his sperm count that he's willing to do it all again.  lol.

I'm back on-call and trying to get some work done, but I just keep googling IUI, femara, BFP, Pineapple core, etc.  Either that or shopping online.  17 more hours until I can go home and sleep and I can't wait!!

Oh yeah and I lost a follower today, which kinda makes me sad.  I was hovering at 22 and now I'm down to 21.  I hope you all don't leave because it's been so helpful and awesome to read your comments!!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

First IUI

Let me just say that it was a great experience.  I love my new RE's office and the doctors and nurses are all awesome.  I really hope this works and it's hard to imagine it not working.  The doctor reassured me that even though I had a large follicle it is unlikely that I ovulated before 36 hours with the trigger shot and even if I did since we deposited the sperm right at their target then I would still be okay.  CJ did great too.  His post-wash count was 75 million!!!!!  He was so proud of himself.

Next step is progesterone check next week and then followup ultrasound in about 2 weeks to begin the next cycle if I'm not pregnant.

I was thinking about how awesome it would be if we conceived today.  10 years ago today I was going to my first day of classes at college in New York City and so many lives were lost that day. 10 years later we are hopeful that one life was created today!!

Now, on to the 2ww.  I think we'll BD tonight and tomorrow just for fun and I'm gonna start eating some pineapple core today for the next 5 days.

I hope you are all having a happy weekend!!  Thank you so much for your well-wishes and support!!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

T-minus 14 hours...

until my first iui.  i'm so excited and so nervous.  i'm not sure if i've ovulated yet but i have had some ovary twinging and cramps since my hcg shot and my cervical mucus seem s a little thicker but it doesnt look like it does post-ovulation, it just looks like my clomid cm right around ovulation so i think we are still good.  based on my cm it's definitely a good thing that we are doing iui.  cj and i have abstained for the past 2 days (it will be 72 hours by the time of the iui).  oh man i really hooppe that this works!!  i'll be crossing my fingers for a good strong ovulation at the time of my iui tomorrow!!  please let this be our month!! please excuse the typos and punctuation since i'm posting from my phone!!

Friday, September 9, 2011

Happy Friday!!

I had my CD 13 ultrasound this morning.  So far no +OPK's at home and just some twinging in my right and left ovaries, so I was anxious to see what was cooking.  I really don't mind these transvaginal ultrasounds because I love seeing what's going on in my body, especially when there's good news.  Plus, I only had to undress from the waist down which is much nicer than wearing one of those gowns.  The results are a nice, lush endometrium of 12mm and I think it was a triple layer.  So much thicker than my thin 7mm stripe on Clomid.  On my right ovary, I had one antral follicle that he measured, but it was probably only 14 or 15.  On the left, I had one mature follicle at 24 x 27mm.  It was huge.  We were going to do trigger shot in the office and then IUI tomorrow, but I will still be at work tomorrow morning and they aren't able to do an IUI after 11am when I got off work.  So, instead I'm going to trigger tonight (which will be fun because I'm on call in the hospital and then IUI on Sunday morning at 10am.  I asked him if I should be nervous about ovulating before the IUI, but he said no that it will be fine to wait one more day.  I really wish I could have the IUI tomorrow just to take some of my own fear away about missing the window, but I have to trust him and just go for it on Sunday.

Has anyone else ever missed ovulation with IUI after having a dominant follicle that was almost ready to go?  I really hope this works.  We have our basis covered though because we BD'd yesterday and the RE said that the sperm can last for up to 3 days.  I'm told CJ that I would relax again on Sunday after the IUI and he just laughed because of course after the IUI I'll be in the 2WW and that brings along another set of worries.

Now, I just need to make it through another 10 hours or so, give myself the trigger shot, then another 12 hours oncall, then sleep tomorrow afternoon and tomorrow night, then IUI on Sunday morning, take it easy for the rest of Sunday.  Sounds like a good plan!!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Hump Day

CD 11 today.  A few twinges in my ovaries, but nothing to write home about and so far OPKs negative.  I'm anxiously awaiting Friday's ultrasound and really hoping for a good response from femara, but not too good a know how it goes.

I've also been doing some reading online and I think I'll have to take a break from my new love of bikram (hot) yoga during ovulation and the 2ww.  I'm a little sad about it because while I'm doing yoga, I feel great, my body feels great, and I'm in a really good place.  It's like a mini-vacation for my body and mind.  But, I've read conflicting things about being in the heat during ovulation and the 2ww and I don't think I want to risk it at all.  So, I'm going to continue daily jogging and then use bikram yoga whenever AF arrives for the first week of my cycle.  It will be my consolation prize and I know it will get me through the worst time of each month.  What are your thoughts on bikram yoga while TTC?  Any other recommendations for yoga, etc?  I'm not doing acupuncture this month because it's just too expensive on top of the IUI/ultrasounds/medications.

In other news, I was on-call last night and actually managed to get almost 5 hours of sleep with minimal interruptions so that's also good for my body.  I can't wait to head home at 11am this morning though after rounds and get some real sleep.  It looks like its going to be a rainy day here too which is perfect for post-call.  Happy Hump Day!!

Saturday, September 3, 2011

CD 7 - Last day of Femara pills

I can't believe I'm already a week into this next cycle.  Just last Sunday when the witch arrived, time seemed to slow down.  But here we are, somehow another week gone by.  I'm trying to be more optimistic this time, so how about this for optimism...I'm officially 1 week pregnant. 

Lol.  Isn't it kinda funny that we start counting pregnancy weeks from the LMP, so the counter starts even before conception.  This time around, I'm starting my own counter.  I don't want to get a ticker (cause that would just be silly, although I did consider it), but it feels good in a way to think of myself as 1 week pregnant instead of CD 7. 

So far, minimal side effects from femara...some hot flashes and maybe one day of mood swings. 

We'll start BD'ing tomorrow (to flush out the old sperm!) and I'll start my OPKs on Tuesday.  As long as I don't have a surge before Friday, then I'll go for my monitoring ultrasound on Friday (CD 13) and then do trigger shot and IUI on Saturday.  Only 1 week from today!  I can't wait.  I really hope it works with IUI and that I have at least 1, but hopefully 2 or 3 good follicles. I'm nervous that I'll miss my surge or ovulate earlier and not be able to do IUI, but I really am trying to relax and just let it happen.  On Clomid, I ovulated on CD 17-19, then CD 16 (with trigger shot), then apparently CD 15 (based on my cycle length since I wasn't temping or monitoring.  I heard that Femara can move up ovulation day, but I'm still thinking that CD 13 will be okay for my monitoring ultrasound.  Anyone on femara have any experience with this????  Should I move up my monitoring ultrasound????

In other news, I started running again as well as hot yoga, which is incredible.  I was pretty sore this morning, but I feel great and I can't wait for the next class!!

Have a great weekend.  I'm on call today and tonight, so I'm just hoping to get a little bit of sleep.