Happy ICLW

This is my first time participating since before IVF and before the twins.  It feels good to be back and I have enjoyed reading new blogs and commenting during my pumping breaks!!  Welcome if this is your first time visiting.  My timeline is now pretty much update, but briefly here's my story.

In August 2010, I suffered a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks after seeing the heartbeat 4 weeks earlier.  Then, I had to have 2 x D&C's within a week due to retained clot.  I went on to have a year of irregular cycles and I started Clomid with my OBGYN and had one chemical pregnancy.  After the chemical, we moved on to an RE and tried Clomid, Trigger shot, and timed intercourse.  When that didn't work, we moved to a new clinic and started to pull out the bigger guns.  We did 2 femara IUI cycles that were not successful.  At this point, since we were already spending quite a bit of money each month, we decided to go big or go home.  So, we moved on to IVF without delay.  My RE actually told me about a study in which women with infertility were randomized to clomid (with IUI, I think) x 3 cycles and then IVF vs going straight to IVF (or something like that, I'm a little fuzzy on the details now) and the women who went straight to IVF got pregnant faster and spent less money overall.

Our 1st IVF cycle began in January 2012 and we were successful with twins!!  My pregnancy was uneventful despite working until 38 weeks and I was induced at 38 weeks.  Unfortunately, by that time I had developed preeclampsia and my induction stalled around 4cm.  I had a c-section on October 3, 2012 and my beautiful little eagles entered the world.  At this point, we passed Rainbowmaking 101 and are now working on parenting twins 101.  It's totally crazy and totally wonderful.

The thing about blogging that has given me so much comfort over the years is that there is just so much hope.  At any point, you can read some one's blog and things are not going well or they are in a dark place.  I definitely was not in a good place when I started this blog.  Then, you can fast forward a few months or years and their lives are different and they are happier whether they got pregnant or got a new job or went on a trip.  It's a crazy chronicle of life and it really filled me with hope when I most needed it.  I also love blogging anonymously and just getting to write about whatever I'm thinking about or what's happening in my life and get it out of head. It makes me feel lighter and less burdened.

Okay, well, my pump break is over, but thanks for reading!!

February Blues

Maybe its the weather (cold and rainy), maybe it's still hormones, maybe it the fact that I worked last weekend and I'm nights this week, but I am in a funk.  Everything is totally fine and I'm super happy about the babies right now...it's just kind of everything else in life right now that seems overwhelming.  I'm hoping by writing about it here, I can help get myself out of this funk.

1.  Moving woes!!  We are moving over the summer to Atlanta.  I'm super, super overwhelmed that we have to find a place to live, find a new daycare and I have to start my fellowship and take my medical boards while taking care of 2 x 9 month olds.  I'm nervous about passing my boards and finding time to study in the midst of this huge move.  I'm nervous about finding a great, reliable daycare.  I'm nervous about finding a good place to live in a safe neighborhood near the hospital.  I'm nervous about how much all of this is going to cost.  That's a lot to be nervous about!!  So far, I have started looking into daycare options.  If anyone knows any good daycare places near Emory, please let me know.  We are also trying to plan a weekend to go down and look at houses for sometime this spring.  So much to do, so little time.

2.  Friendships!!  Recently, I have just felt lonely and in need of time with good friends.  It all started when I was on Facebook.  I saw that this woman who I invited to my baby shower (and she attended) and who invited me to her first baby shower, had a shower for her 2nd baby and I wasn't invited.  I just felt left out.  I don't really know why I care since we only hang out at work functions and we won't stay in touch after I move, but it still hurt a little bit.  Then, it kinda made me question if I even had any good friends.  Sometimes, I am still hurt by the fact that I don't keep in touch with my group of friends from medical school (even though 2 of the women were in my wedding and the rest were invited.)  We just kinda lost touch (mostly because they were all in NYC for residency and I moved away), but it just makes me sad that I don't have any friends from that big part of my life.  Even though, the reality was that I mostly hung out and became closer with my college friends who still lived in NYC while I was in medical school.  Now here I am in residency and I have made a few really close friends who I will stay in touch with when we move, but sometimes I just feel out of it and lonely.  I have always just craved the kind of group friendship that you see on TV in shows like How I Met Your Mother and Happy Endings. I plan to remedy these feelings by planning my upcoming trips to visit my best friends from college and my best friend from summer camp in March and April.  I can't wait for them to meet my little ones.

3. My looks!!  When I was pregnant, I (for the most part) loved how I looked.  I had the mask of pregnancy which gave me these cute freckles and made me look tan, my skin kinda glowed, my hair was thicker, and my big belly was a sign that I was growing two big(ish) babies in there.  Now, I'm just pale, my hair is limp and greasy looking, my belly (while much, much smaller) is pretty soft and squishy and I just still have a bunch of extra skin (and fat) around my mid-section.  It's not terrible.  I'm back in my pre-pregnancy clothes and I'm back to my pre-pregnancy, but post infertility/IVF weight of 140lbs.  I just want to get back to 125-130 and toned again.  I've started doing Insanity sporadically and its good that I'm able to do it again (kind of), but it's really hard to find the time.  I was hoping that breastfeeding and pumping would help the weight come off a little easier cause now I'm scared to stop breastfeeding until I've lost all my weight and started eating healthier again.  I'm doing better with more fruits and vegetables and salads, but I'm still having trouble with too many sweets!!

4.  On Death and Dying.   Sometimes when things are going really well (like right after my wedding and well, now) I can't help but think about what would happen if I lost my husband or now my babies.  I don't really know why my mind goes there and I don't really dwell on it for the most part, but it's just something that has crossed my mind in the past couple of days and made me really sad at the same time that I am so happy.  I think it's just that I can't believe how happy I am and how much I love my husband and babies that if they were taken away from me I can't even begin to imagine that pain.  For this one, I pray that my husband and babies will stay safe and happy and healthy and I trust in God, but it still makes me sad.  Part of it too is that as a doctor I see how fragile the human body is (on one hand) and I just never want any harm to befall my loved ones.  This may seem very strange to some of you reading this.  I debated about even posting about it because it's hard for me to articulate these thoughts, but it is kinda nice to get them out there.  My husband teases me that I won't let our kids do anything activity-wise because I'll be afraid that they will get hurt.  There is some truth to that.  These are the activities that my husband is banned from = Skydiving (he already went twice before we were married), Bungee Jumping, Driving a Motorcycle, Text or doing anything on his cell phone in the car.  My children will not play football or hockey.  This is part of the reason why I'm not a better skier.  I'm afraid to let me skis go downhill and go fast because I don't want to get hurt (because I've seen the broken bones and concussions, and brain injuries from ski accidents) and this is why my husband and I always ski with helmets on!!

Okay, I think that's it for now.  I'm gonna try to get some sleep.  It sure does feel good to get that off my chest!!

Awesome Diaper Pail

Some of you might not find this to be the most exciting post.  However, I spent a lot of time when I was pregnant debating about how we were going to handle having a house full of dirty diapers.  Seriously, I spent way too much time thinking about this and looking on amazon and talking to CJ.  Basically though, I just didn't want to get a diaper pail like the Diaper genie or the Diaper Dekor or the Munchin one.  I was worried that the plastic would retain the smell and I also wanted something that would look nice in the nursery and use regular old garbage bags.  Then, I found it...the Diaper Pail...The Ubbi.

It was perfect.  Steel.  Simple.  Selection of colors.  Easy to use.  Great reviews.  Regular old garbage bags, check.

The only problem.  It was $80.  So, being the practical, thrifty person that I am.  I decided no, I would not spend $80 on a diaper pail.  Back to going through all the diaper pails all over again.  I even tried to find a steel trash can that would work (some of those were even more expensive though.)

Finally, I just decided that it was worth it to me to spend the $80 on this diaper pail that I loved.

The end result...I'm still totally in love with The Ubbi.  It is perfect.  It looks awesome in the nursery.  It holds a ton of diapers.  I can just drop diapers in, I don't need to push them through.  Our garbage bags work great!!  No smell at all outside of the can.  Absolutely no complaints except for the price.  I've even been tempted to get a 2nd one for our living room next to the changing tables so that we don't have to carry the dirty diapers into the kitchen, but so far I've held off.  I would say it is totally worth the money.  I love how it looks and it just works perfectly in our nursery.  I bet you didn't know anyone could get so excited about a diaper pail...or spend so much money.

What baby-related purchases did you splurge on??  Have you loved it or been disappointed??

4 months and getting some shut eye!!

So the little eagles turned 4 months old last weekend!!  Where has the time gone?!?  I fall a little more in love with them everyday and I love the little people they are starting to become!!

Chase is now 14lbs 7oz and Cassidy is 13lbs 12oz and they are doing great!!

Some of their new tricks involving rolling over (Chase, Cass will roll on her side), talking a lot, putting their hands in their mouths, batting at toys, sitting up assisted, and lots of smiling!!  We made the change from swing and vibrating chair to jumperoo and exersaucer and they love their new pieces of equipment!!  We also tried giving them some rice cereal which they did not like so much.  I am still breastfeeding in the early AM (5-5:30AM) feed and evening and/or dreamfeed (6-700PM and 10-11PM).  They are getting mostly pumped milk at daycare as well as a little formula so that I can continue to build up my freezer supply.

At their doctor's appointment on Monday, our pediatrician thought that they looked great.  She also offered some advice re sleep training.  It seems she is a proponent of CIO.  She basically told us that at their age and weights the twins should definitely be able to go between 6-10 hours without eating.  She recommended that we continue with our 7:30(ish) bedtime, dreamfeed at 10-11pm, and then not go in their rooms until after 5am. She said one that will help is that we can try taking away their pacifiers so that they can learn to fall asleep on their own without any sleep props at all.  Then, she said we could think about slowly dropping the dreamfeed in a few weeks once they are reliably going to bed and staying asleep until after 5am.

It's nice to have a pediatrician recommending some sleep training and I know that the twins will be better served in the long run if they learn how to sleep well now, but it is so hard to hear them cry.  We have started by taking their pacifiers away (which I miss also because the little wannanubs were so cute!!).  They have been doing well falling asleep without them with just a little bit of fussing.  The real test comes at 1-3am when one of the babies wakes up and starts crying.  We let them cry last night and it was terrible (for me).  I think it was about 25-30 minutes of crying for each of them, but they were staggered so it was a total of an hour of crying (as soon as Chase fell asleep, Cass woke up) and CJ and I both woke up feeling terrible.  As soon as they work up again at 5:05 this morning, I fed them both and you know what, they were super smiley and happy...and a little tired (because they didn't get a large chunk of straight sleep time).  Overall, it wasn't too bad and I'm hoping for a lot less crying tonight!!

I'm on board with the CIO because our pediatrician, who we love and trust, recommends it and I've seen the difference in children and parents between no sleep training and solid sleep training.  My sister who is an amazing mom, has never done any sleep training and her son constantly climbs back into bed with them and wakes them up and her 14 months old is still getting up at least once in the middle of the night and it takes quite awhile to get her to go to bed (lots of rocking and soothing).  I love cuddling my kids, but I also want to give them the skills now to be good sleepers!!  One of my best friends, followed Babywise strictly and her child is very happy and sleeps for about 12 hours/night.  The benefits of nighttime sleep are for the babies as well as for CJ and I so that we can have time to continue to enjoy our relationship and some adult time in the evenings.

We'll see how it goes!!

Advice from a veteran mom

.  My sister is an amazing mom.  She has given me so much advice and helpful tips!  One of the best and most useful is her strategy for cleaning poopy clothes.  She puts the dirty clothes in a white plastic bin, fills it with hot water, adds a scoop of Oxi-Clean, and lets it soak.  When the babies came, she brought me my own white plastic bin and some Oxi-clean.  It's perfect.  We leave the bin in the bathroom and whenever the twins have a blowout we throw the clothes in the bin, add some Oxi-clean and water and leave it to soak until the stains are out or we are ready to do a load of laundry.  There is not a single stain that we have not been able to defeat!! We are going on our 2nd box of Oxi-clean now but it's totally worth it, especially since the twins have blowouts at daycare almost everyday!!