Maybe its the weather (cold and rainy), maybe it's still hormones, maybe it the fact that I worked last weekend and I'm nights this week, but I am in a funk. Everything is totally fine and I'm super happy about the babies right now...it's just kind of everything else in life right now that seems overwhelming. I'm hoping by writing about it here, I can help get myself out of this funk.
1. Moving woes!! We are moving over the summer to Atlanta. I'm super, super overwhelmed that we have to find a place to live, find a new daycare and I have to start my fellowship and take my medical boards while taking care of 2 x 9 month olds. I'm nervous about passing my boards and finding time to study in the midst of this huge move. I'm nervous about finding a great, reliable daycare. I'm nervous about finding a good place to live in a safe neighborhood near the hospital. I'm nervous about how much all of this is going to cost. That's a lot to be nervous about!! So far, I have started looking into daycare options. If anyone knows any good daycare places near Emory, please let me know. We are also trying to plan a weekend to go down and look at houses for sometime this spring. So much to do, so little time.
2. Friendships!! Recently, I have just felt lonely and in need of time with good friends. It all started when I was on Facebook. I saw that this woman who I invited to my baby shower (and she attended) and who invited me to her first baby shower, had a shower for her 2nd baby and I wasn't invited. I just felt left out. I don't really know why I care since we only hang out at work functions and we won't stay in touch after I move, but it still hurt a little bit. Then, it kinda made me question if I even had any good friends. Sometimes, I am still hurt by the fact that I don't keep in touch with my group of friends from medical school (even though 2 of the women were in my wedding and the rest were invited.) We just kinda lost touch (mostly because they were all in NYC for residency and I moved away), but it just makes me sad that I don't have any friends from that big part of my life. Even though, the reality was that I mostly hung out and became closer with my college friends who still lived in NYC while I was in medical school. Now here I am in residency and I have made a few really close friends who I will stay in touch with when we move, but sometimes I just feel out of it and lonely. I have always just craved the kind of group friendship that you see on TV in shows like How I Met Your Mother and Happy Endings. I plan to remedy these feelings by planning my upcoming trips to visit my best friends from college and my best friend from summer camp in March and April. I can't wait for them to meet my little ones.
3. My looks!! When I was pregnant, I (for the most part) loved how I looked. I had the mask of pregnancy which gave me these cute freckles and made me look tan, my skin kinda glowed, my hair was thicker, and my big belly was a sign that I was growing two big(ish) babies in there. Now, I'm just pale, my hair is limp and greasy looking, my belly (while much, much smaller) is pretty soft and squishy and I just still have a bunch of extra skin (and fat) around my mid-section. It's not terrible. I'm back in my pre-pregnancy clothes and I'm back to my pre-pregnancy, but post infertility/IVF weight of 140lbs. I just want to get back to 125-130 and toned again. I've started doing Insanity sporadically and its good that I'm able to do it again (kind of), but it's really hard to find the time. I was hoping that breastfeeding and pumping would help the weight come off a little easier cause now I'm scared to stop breastfeeding until I've lost all my weight and started eating healthier again. I'm doing better with more fruits and vegetables and salads, but I'm still having trouble with too many sweets!!
4. On Death and Dying. Sometimes when things are going really well (like right after my wedding and well, now) I can't help but think about what would happen if I lost my husband or now my babies. I don't really know why my mind goes there and I don't really dwell on it for the most part, but it's just something that has crossed my mind in the past couple of days and made me really sad at the same time that I am so happy. I think it's just that I can't believe how happy I am and how much I love my husband and babies that if they were taken away from me I can't even begin to imagine that pain. For this one, I pray that my husband and babies will stay safe and happy and healthy and I trust in God, but it still makes me sad. Part of it too is that as a doctor I see how fragile the human body is (on one hand) and I just never want any harm to befall my loved ones. This may seem very strange to some of you reading this. I debated about even posting about it because it's hard for me to articulate these thoughts, but it is kinda nice to get them out there. My husband teases me that I won't let our kids do anything activity-wise because I'll be afraid that they will get hurt. There is some truth to that. These are the activities that my husband is banned from = Skydiving (he already went twice before we were married), Bungee Jumping, Driving a Motorcycle, Text or doing anything on his cell phone in the car. My children will not play football or hockey. This is part of the reason why I'm not a better skier. I'm afraid to let me skis go downhill and go fast because I don't want to get hurt (because I've seen the broken bones and concussions, and brain injuries from ski accidents) and this is why my husband and I always ski with helmets on!!
Okay, I think that's it for now. I'm gonna try to get some sleep. It sure does feel good to get that off my chest!!