Thursday, September 15, 2011

So sad today...

Well, here I am back at work and on-call for another 9 more hours.  I've been thinking about writing this post all day, but now in the wee hours of morning while I'm waiting to accept a patient I finally have some time.  I may ramble and vent a little bit, but I'll plan that on the sleep deprivation.
So, for the past couple of months, I've been telling myself and my family and friends that I'm fine whenever they ask.  Some days, that's true, some days I'm better than fine (like when I was doing hot yoga or the day of my IUI when I was feeling downright good), and some days I'm feeling a whole lot worse than today.  For some reason, ever since yesterday afternoon I have been feeling really sad, down, depressed, jealous, frustrated, etc.  I'm sure that has made me a lot of fun to work with but I'm actually pretty good at putting on a good face at work even though I'm really sad.  I think I can attribute my sadness/depression to a couple of different things, so now it's time for a list.
1.  I need new and better friends.  I started re-watching episodes of sex and the city.  What I love most about the show is the amazing friendship between the 4 women.  I want that so badly and I realized that I just don't have any friends who completely measure up.  Before her most recent pregnancy, Lil was my best friend who I could call at anytime, but I can't do that anymore. It's just too hard to talk about my follicle ultrasounds when she's going in for ultrasounds of her 3rd baby to be.  I also had amazing support from friends both near and far when I had my miscarriage last year.  There was rarely a day that went by that I didn't hear from someone checking in on me or asking me if I wanted to grab dinner or get together.  That's just not the case this year.  I'm having a harder time reaching out to my friends and they probably don't realize how much I'm struggling.  I have tried to talk to my closest friends and I just always leave the situation or conversation feeling like they just don't get it.  So, I try not to talk about it and I feel so lonely.  That's how miscarriage and infertility have changed me the most by making me feel lonely and isolated despite trying to reach out.  Now, I'm on the quest for an infertility support group close to me or at least some new friends.  I'm looking for a Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha.
2.  I miss my family, but I feel let down by them.  I have a wonderful family and I'm blessed to have amazing parents, a fun little brother and sister, and my wonderful twin sister who I love so much and who I just can't talk to very much anymore.  I've gone through these phases where I miss my family so then I try to tell them about things that are going on and then they just come back with you need to see a therapist and what's wrong with you and it's been over a year so you should be over your miscarriage and you might never have children.  I've heard all of that from them over the summer and I just don't want to go through that again, so I'm pulling away and I'm sad. 
3.  The 2WW is really tough.  I've gone through 8 of these before and each time I was very optimistic, searching for signs (creamy CM, sore boobs, nausea, headache, cramps, food aversions) that this was my lucky cycle and each time AF has come and crushed me.  Now, I'm feeling hopeless and crushed in advance of her arrival.  I know that even if she comes we'll do another cycle with femara and IUI and the timing looks like it will work out really well since I'll have a 3 day weekend right around ovulation.  I just can't help but be sad and feel defeated.  Every month, I have tried to be optimistic, to practice mindfulness, to be happy, to relax, to exercise more, to not exercise, to hula hoop, etc and it just hasn't why should this cycle be any different.  I'm not ready to throw in the towel and I don't think I can take a break now because I want a baby so badly, but it's definitely getting harder and my coping mechanisms during the 2WW need an overhaul.  I'm near-tears right now just thinking about AF's arrival and I'm nervous that when she does show her face because she inevitably will it will completely crush me and I won't be able to bounce back or get out of bed. 
4.  I just want to be pregnant already.  I want my life back.  It was hijacked last year on August 27th and I want it back.  I've been working at picking up the pieces for the past year, but I'm missing the most important piece and I'm not sure how to complete the puzzle without it.  (Wow, that was a bunch of different metaphors all thrown in there!)  I want to stop thinking about my CM and ovulation cramps and paying out of pocket for fertility meds and procedures and not drinking alcohol and not exercising and drinking more water and googling every little thing.  I want to be able to study without my mind wandering frequently to am I pregnant now or will it work this cycle.  I want to be able to post about my BFP and my first ultrasounds and making it out of the first trimester and eventually posting the birth story of my patient.  Here's another metaphor.  TTC for me has been like a marathon.  Now, I've run a couple of marathons in my day (I ran my last one several months before we first started TTC and I haven't wanted to train for one since then in case it affected my TTC efforts.)  There's a big difference between my journey so far and running a marathon.  At least when you run a marathon, you know where the finish line is.  It's always at 26.2 miles.  So, when you hit the wall at mile 20, you just keep running because you are only 6.2 miles aways from the finish line and each step you take is bringing you closer to the finish line.  Well, I've hit the wall in my TTC journey, but I have no idea where the finish line or if I'm even getting closer to it.  So, I just keep running, but I'm getting tired and weary and I have no idea how I'm going to hang on.  I know that I will hang on because crossing the finish line and holding my baby in my arms one day will be worth every single second of loneliness and frustration that this year has brought me. 
If you have made it to this point in the post, I just wanted to thank you for listening.  As you can see, I don't really have anyone IRL who I can vent like this too. Thanks for letting me get this out.  If you have any extra baby dust or buckets full of baby dust, please send it my way!!


  1. I can completely relate to this post. I have been feeling all of the same things, so please know you aren't alone. I feel like this post could be on my blog. I wish we lived close because I'm sure we could become great friends.

    We all need a crystal ball so we can see the finish line of this crappy super-marathon.

    I constantly feel let down my friends and family. I think unless you have been through it, you can't understand. Hoping you can pick your head up. Hang in there ((hugs))

  2. Sending you hugs. I can completely relate to a lot of this! And I love Sex and the City and always wished I had those type of friendships too! I have two really great friends who I know I count on for anything...but sometimes it's still lonely having to go through all this!

  3. I wish I could give you a real hug. It's amazing the support we get from our IF sisters out here on the internet, but it's still hard when you need support in real life.

    I just wish for all of us to get pregnant. That is my prayer for you, for me, for all of us.

  4. I hear ya.....some days are just so stinking hard. Ugh!! It still floors me that "2 pink lines" can make all the sadness and hurt and jealousy and anger disappear immediately. The power of those 2 lines....crazy! Thinking of you today and hoping you had a good cry to get rid of some of the stress!! Do you live in Arizona? If you do, I can be your Charlotte, although I'm more like Carrie than anyone! :)

  5. Sending smiles and hugs your way! I definitely know where your coming from. I went through a similar situation where my family kept pressuring me to see a grief counselor. I too felt like I had hit a wall and my life was hijacked and was telling people I was fine when I really wasnt. I thought all I needed was a supportive husband and a baby. But what I really needed was to talk it out and get help with my coping. It took a long time to realize it but seeing a clinician made me feel better, not perfect, but more confident in coping with my daily IF struggles. Hope that helps :) keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and hoping you get your BFP soon!!

  6. Oh AJ, I completely "get" everything you are feeling. Infertility, is SO isolating. I definitely think a support group would be a great idea. Nobody can really understand what we go through unless they've been there themselves. Looking forward to following your story! Best, Bernadette ICLW #34

  7. Here from ICLW: I completely relate to EVERYTHING you wrote. I'm sorry you are struggling. I hope that you can find some new friends who understand your struggle. I hope that you get a BFP very soon.


  8. The comment from Bernadette is so right on. Infertility is completely isolating. I wrote a post last week on how I need friends, more specifically friends who 'get' infertility. I am so grateful for the support I've found online, but, man, there is something so comforting about sitting across from a human being with a cup of coffee (or glass of wine) and just talking AND seeing their face.

    ICLW #43

  9. *big hugs* I can relate to so much of your words in this post. I've probably written most of them myself at one point or another. Sorry I don't have much advice on how to make it better. It's really just one of those things that you've got to try and find the little things that help you get through each moment. Know that you are not alone.

  10. Visiting from ICLW and sending you a big hug.