Saturday, September 24, 2011

Hanging my a thread...

I'm sorry I haven't been around recently and haven't really participated in ICLW.  I needed a break from blogger and I was trying to get on with my life in the hopes of having a really happy BFP post this weekend.  No such luck.  AF arrived this morning.  Just in time for me to go to work for another call shift of 30 hours.  And I thought that I was sad before.  Now, I'm just kind of numb alternating with depressed, angry, and frustrated.  Why can't we get pregnant again???  It just doesn't make any sense and it just plain sucks.

I have another metaphor for this whole miscarriage and trying to conceive after loss thing.  After my miscarriage last year, I was thrown a life line, a metaphorical rope of support from family and friends and of hope that I would get pregnant again soon and have a rainbow baby.  Every cycle that has passed since then has frayed the rope.  I feel like I'm hanging by threads at this point.  I'm not really sure what to do about it except cling to those threads and go forward with another femara/IUI cycle.  This time, I'm determined to time everything perfectly even if it means using my precious sick days if needed.

Here's what I'm thinking the plan will be.  First step, CD 3 ultrasound on Monday.  (So, the plan might change after that.)  Then femara again CD 3-7.  Monitoring ultrasound either CD 10 or 11 (since CD 13 was obviously too late last month.)  Trigger shot.  IUI #2.  Struggle through another awesome/fun 2WW.  I'm also going to ask about injections since I only had one follicle on femara and maybe we just need more targets.

Wow, this really sucks and the worst part is that I really feel like my prayers are falling on deaf ears and I'm not sure what the point is anymore.  I haven't gone to church in a month and I'm not sure that I can bring myself to go back until I'm pregnant again.  I feel like I've been abandoned since my miscarriage last year.  Why did my sister have to get pregnant (for the 3rd time) and not me?  Why is everyone else that I work with or on facebook or even on these blogs able to get pregnant?  The big question is what am I going to do about it and at this point, I'm going to try to make it through my call today and my 2 more calls this week and then we'll see.  Right now, I just need to not cry while I'm at work...but that's not really going so well now...


  1. Ugh...I'm so sorry sweetie. I think we follow a lot of the same blogs...and I agree if feels like everyone is passing us up. I just triggered yesterday with only 1 femara follicle and already feel like it failed. Wtf? I must say your courage and perseverance is amazing. Not once did you say giving up was an option...just what do you need to do differently this time? Thats awesome. I'm ready for injectibles too...expensive but worth it if it brings us our rainbow babes...huh? Hoping you are not on a Peds floor tonight.... I was really missing your updates...thanks for posting today. Xoxo

  2. Very very sorry, AJ. I just want to tell you that I would possibly be in the textbook of to-avoid, since I am pregnant, but this has happened after terribly long years of trying and a neonatal loss.

    I just hope that you will cross over someday - sooner than later.

    I hope your work will keep you mind off a bit.

    Many many hugs.

    iclw #39

  3. So sorry to hear about your AF arriving... I know the feeling of having to do long call shifts while trying to hold back the tears but I found work a bit of a distraction after our miscarriage this week. Couldn't call in sick... so just went in and tried to pretend everything was normal. Definitely use your sick days if you need to. Love to you always xoxo

  4. I've had this feeling before. I too was sad and frustrated with the fact that we got pregnant on our own (no meds, nothing) we miscarried early but still it was hopeful that we got pregnant on our own. We thought FOR SURE we be pregnant again within a few months. Almost two years went by with nothing. And it really took a toll on me. Our miracle only came to us through our first IVF, and we are so grateful, but it doesnt take away all the pain over the years. Not yet anyways. Have you tried a back to back IUI? You know, have the IUI and then follow up with another one the next day. What about injectibles? Just know you are not only in these feelings :( Hang in there. Rainbow will come back one day.

  5. Hon, I'm sorry. I know how absolutely horribly hard this is and I hope that you find some solace in the comments here, the hope and prayers of others, and that you find some peace inside yourself. I know the how hard it is to keep faith and its so easy for everyone else to say it, so take an emotional break and let others hold your hope. Let others hold the faith...

  6. Hey sweeets. Thank you for your kind comment on my blog. This little infertile/trying and trying and trying to conseive world "we" live in is so painful and draining at times. I can totally relate to your unhappiness :( I saw the CUTEST pregnant girl at subway tonight. I wanted to stand there and cry while watching her rub her cute little belly. Ugh!!!!!! She was so cute.


    I wish you the very best. Take good care. xoxo

  7. Hello from ICLW.

    I'm so, so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. Hang on. The pain will go away and you will feel uplifted again and ready to try again.

    Take care of yourself. And remember to breathe.

  8. Here from ICLW - so hard to see you (or anyone) feeling this way, and not be able to do anything to help. I've been reading IF blogs for awhile, and I've seen so many people in the darkest moment, and then the next thing you know, they have a baby. I hope that happens to you soon too. hugs