I'm sorry I haven't been around recently and haven't really participated in ICLW. I needed a break from blogger and I was trying to get on with my life in the hopes of having a really happy BFP post this weekend. No such luck. AF arrived this morning. Just in time for me to go to work for another call shift of 30 hours. And I thought that I was sad before. Now, I'm just kind of numb alternating with depressed, angry, and frustrated. Why can't we get pregnant again??? It just doesn't make any sense and it just plain sucks.
I have another metaphor for this whole miscarriage and trying to conceive after loss thing. After my miscarriage last year, I was thrown a life line, a metaphorical rope of support from family and friends and of hope that I would get pregnant again soon and have a rainbow baby. Every cycle that has passed since then has frayed the rope. I feel like I'm hanging by threads at this point. I'm not really sure what to do about it except cling to those threads and go forward with another femara/IUI cycle. This time, I'm determined to time everything perfectly even if it means using my precious sick days if needed.
Here's what I'm thinking the plan will be. First step, CD 3 ultrasound on Monday. (So, the plan might change after that.) Then femara again CD 3-7. Monitoring ultrasound either CD 10 or 11 (since CD 13 was obviously too late last month.) Trigger shot. IUI #2. Struggle through another awesome/fun 2WW. I'm also going to ask about injections since I only had one follicle on femara and maybe we just need more targets.
Wow, this really sucks and the worst part is that I really feel like my prayers are falling on deaf ears and I'm not sure what the point is anymore. I haven't gone to church in a month and I'm not sure that I can bring myself to go back until I'm pregnant again. I feel like I've been abandoned since my miscarriage last year. Why did my sister have to get pregnant (for the 3rd time) and not me? Why is everyone else that I work with or on facebook or even on these blogs able to get pregnant? The big question is what am I going to do about it and at this point, I'm going to try to make it through my call today and my 2 more calls this week and then we'll see. Right now, I just need to not cry while I'm at work...but that's not really going so well now...