Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Tomorrow

Well, the day has finally arrived.  My sister is scheduled for her C-section tomorrow morning.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I am very happy for her and I'm happy that I will soon have another niece or nephew.  But, it's still incredibly hard for me.  I'm super jealous and I really wish I wasn't, but I can't help it (My therapist says that this is okay by the way).  I feel a little nauseous actually and I just want to go to bed and not wake up until I'm pregnant.  Yea, it's one of those days.  The good news is that tomorrow morning I will have another niece or nephew and after tomorrow morning my twin sister won't be pregnant anymore.  Instead, she'll be the mother of 3 beautiful children (that only cost her 2 failed months of clomid to make.)  Actually, of her 3 pregnancies, 2 were by accident.  Whereas building my family has come with so much loss, struggle, and heartache...and not to mention money.  So, yea I'm jealous and I'm sad as hell that it's not me having a baby tomorrow.  I know you may read this post and think that I'm a terrible person, but I'm just trying to release these pent up feelings so that I can go on being happy for my sister and the new addition to her family. 
 
Thanks for listening.

7 comments:

  1. I can only imagine how hard it is for you. At least there will be a little baby to snuggle with.

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  2. OMG that sounds so hard. I'd be jealous, too. (((Hugs)))

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  3. You're NOT a terrible person. My therapist and I talk about this a lot and she leads the infertility support group I go to. She repeatedly says that yes, it would be nice to be happy for every person that has a baby but you're NUMBER ONE priority is taking care of yourself. After all, people aren't putting their lives on hold and not having babies to save your feelings? So why put your feelings on hold for other people? So vent all you want - you deserve it so you can put on the happy face for your sister.

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  4. I'm with you. I'm having some serious struggles with this as well and I feel like I just. Can't. Get. Past. It. I have so much resentment towards my best friend that I often wish I could just skip the next few months of her pregnancy and skip to the part where she's sleep-deprived and pudgy after giving birth...maybe I'll feel better then. Probably not, but maybe. I hope you're not a terrible person, because then I am too :)

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  5. I could not even imagine having a pregnant sister during our IVF struggles. Big hugs and am thinking of you.

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  6. You are not a terrible person. The feelings of jealousy are so normal. I am dealing with the same thing myself right now, expected two new nieces or nephews this June. I'm kind of wanting to boycott younger siblings right about now. I hope you are able to enjoy the new baby despite your jealousy.

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