Summer has finally come to my town. It's been in the 80-90's for the past week. I love it. The warm weather makes me so happy...I don't even mind sweating in my car whenever I drive anywhere. (The black leather seats get really hot and the AC doesn't work all that well.) I can't believe it's almost June. I'm really trying hard to stay positive, upbeat, and mindful this month and into the future. It's been a little easier to do to because I had a nice long weekend with CJ.
Friday morning I got out of work at 7am. I spent the rest of the day sleeping and playing with my new puppy. Friday night, CJ and I left the puppy at home and went out or date night, our first date night in a long time. It was great. We went to Bone Fish and then brought some ice cream home. Yummy!
I spent Saturday morning at work, but I was moonlighting so I made a little extra money and then worked out and played with my puppy in the afternoon. CJ and I went out again to a little cocktail party for a couple hours with some friends from work. It was a lot of fun and the sangria was delicious!!
Sunday was a relaxing day with church, hanging pictures, playing with the puppy, and grocery shopping.
Monday was more relaxation + Insanity workout + picnic at our friend's house. We brought our puppy to the picnic and he did great with our friend's bigger dog. We even went for a nice long walk and really tired both dogs out.
Today, I returned to work but on a more normal schedule. I will be working on days and then taking overnight call every 4th night, which is not bad at all. This was only day 1, but I wasn't on-call and I was home by 2pm, so I definitely can't complain.
As for my cycle news, today is CD 9. AF has been gone for a couple of days. My temps are nice and low. I'm just waiting for my HSG on Friday (CD 12) and then the baby-dancing begins. So far, I haven't mentioned anything to CJ about my cycle so that's a big change and I'm thinking about not doing OPK's. I'm just going to temp, relax, bd every other day, relax some more, and have a great time with CJ. I'm definitely not that hopeful about this cycle in particular, but it feels nice to be more relaxed.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Daytime!!
It feels so good to be done working nights for a little while and to be awake during the day. I'm actually back at work this morning. (You may be wondering if I'm really a resident since all I do is blog at work, but I'm just very efficient...lol.) I'm moonlighting this morning though so I'm making a little extra money by helping out in the OR. I can't wait to get my next pay check.
Something happened between when I wrote my last post and now. It's pretty big and I'm really excited about it.
I decided to be happy, positive, and thankful.
I've been pretty negative since my first loss for good reasons I think. (Losing my first baby, having 2 d&C's, not ovulating, really long cycles, 3 failed rounds of clomid, pregnant twin sister.) The result of all my negativity has been lots of BFN's and one chemical. Well, the negativity and the negatives end now.
If I want to see a BFP, then I'm going to have to inject some positivity into my life. And the truth is there is a lot that I can be positive about and so much that I am thankful for. I've only been using this new outlook for a day, but I already feel better about life, this cycle, my TTC journey, my family, everything!!
There's a mindfulness technique that I learned at my class next week where first you bring to mind a stressful situation and really notice how your body feels and what thoughts come through your mind. Then, you take a short break. Next, you bring to mind something that you whole-heartedly appreciate, something that always brings your comfort and really notice your body and thoughts again. For me, the stressful situation was my chemical pregnancy and when I was thinking about it, my pulse quickened and I felt a little nausea and very tense. For the appreciation part, I thought about my husband and the change was immediate. My pulse returned to normal, my heart felt lighter, my chest loosened up, my whole body relaxed. After practicing this technique, I think I can use it on a daily basis to stay more positive and relaxed.
Here's what I am so thankful for today.
1. My wonderful husband, CJ. He is awesome!!
2. My new puppy who is just a bundle of love and energy.
3. My great friends who have been so supportive.
4. My family and in-laws.
5. My great job, the people I work with, and that I'm actually pretty good at my job, it just comes naturally to me.
6. My health that I can do my insanity workouts and get back into shape.
7. Summertime and wam weather!!
8. Date nights with CJ (we went to Bone Fish for dinner last night and brought some ice cream home!)
9. Making extra money by moon-lighting!!
10. A long 3-day weekend!!
I hope you all have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend!!
Something happened between when I wrote my last post and now. It's pretty big and I'm really excited about it.
I decided to be happy, positive, and thankful.
I've been pretty negative since my first loss for good reasons I think. (Losing my first baby, having 2 d&C's, not ovulating, really long cycles, 3 failed rounds of clomid, pregnant twin sister.) The result of all my negativity has been lots of BFN's and one chemical. Well, the negativity and the negatives end now.
If I want to see a BFP, then I'm going to have to inject some positivity into my life. And the truth is there is a lot that I can be positive about and so much that I am thankful for. I've only been using this new outlook for a day, but I already feel better about life, this cycle, my TTC journey, my family, everything!!
There's a mindfulness technique that I learned at my class next week where first you bring to mind a stressful situation and really notice how your body feels and what thoughts come through your mind. Then, you take a short break. Next, you bring to mind something that you whole-heartedly appreciate, something that always brings your comfort and really notice your body and thoughts again. For me, the stressful situation was my chemical pregnancy and when I was thinking about it, my pulse quickened and I felt a little nausea and very tense. For the appreciation part, I thought about my husband and the change was immediate. My pulse returned to normal, my heart felt lighter, my chest loosened up, my whole body relaxed. After practicing this technique, I think I can use it on a daily basis to stay more positive and relaxed.
Here's what I am so thankful for today.
1. My wonderful husband, CJ. He is awesome!!
2. My new puppy who is just a bundle of love and energy.
3. My great friends who have been so supportive.
4. My family and in-laws.
5. My great job, the people I work with, and that I'm actually pretty good at my job, it just comes naturally to me.
6. My health that I can do my insanity workouts and get back into shape.
7. Summertime and wam weather!!
8. Date nights with CJ (we went to Bone Fish for dinner last night and brought some ice cream home!)
9. Making extra money by moon-lighting!!
10. A long 3-day weekend!!
I hope you all have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend!!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Another long night...
It's my last night to work this week. I cannot wait to have a nice, long 4 day weekend with CJ and to sleep in my bed again. I'm posting from work since I've been doing too much thinking while I've been working nights.
I started taking a Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction class almost 8 weeks ago. It's offered at the hospital and I even get a discount since I'm a resident. Basically, mindfulness is non-judgemental present moment awareness. Sounds simple, but it's pretty hard to do on a daily basis. It has definitely helped me over the past 8 weeks and when I'm actually being mindful, I can feel myself become more relaxed. Last cycle, I was probably the happiest I had been since August, largely in part because of my mindfulness training. I haven't been as mindful since I found out about the chemical though so the past week has been hard. I really need to get back into it. I think once I'm off nights and sleeping regularly again, I'll be more mindful.
This week there have just been a couple of thoughts that keep bouncing around my mind, so once again I'm going to write about them to get it out of my head.
First, I've been feeling very isolated. Part of that is because I'm on nights and haven't seen CJ for more than an hour all week or been able to go out with my friends. Part of that is not talking to my twin sister very much. That part just feels like a big hole ripped open in my heart that I'm not sure how to fix. I miss her and I want to talk to her, but I cannot bring myself to do so because all I can think about is how she's pregnant...again. Another big part of my isolation is that not a lot of people in real life really understand what I'm going through and why this is still a struggle even though my miscarriage was in August. I had 2 friends who had miscarriages 2 years ago, and they were amazing to talk to for the first few months after my loss. Their stories were very different from mine though since they were both able to get pregnant again within 2 months of their loss and deliver healthy baby boys. I just feel like I can't talk to them anymore because they have no idea what it's like to suffer through this for 9 months with no end in sight. Everyday I struggle to be happy despite the fact that I am not pregnant again. It's exhausting. I'm really glad I started this blog because at least it's helped me feel more connected to people who do understand what I'm going through.
The other thing I've been thinking about is just how badly I want to be pregnant again (with a sticky rainbow baby that I will be able to bring home 9 months later!!) I'm feeling inpatient and it's hard because I have no control over this. I want so badly to have nice, high, serial beta's, to see my baby's heartbeat on ultrasound, to be throwing up constantly (seriously, I will not complain about morning sickness as long as I have a healthy rainbow baby in there!!), to make it out of the first trimester and be able to tell people that I'm pregnant, to see and feel my stomach swelling as the baby grows bigger day by day, week by week, to wear maternity clothes (because it will mean that my baby's growing in there), to make it to the anatomy scan, to make it to the 3rd trimester, to decorate our nursery, to attend a baby shower for me, to feel labor pains, to deliver my rainbow baby, to see my husband's face when our baby is born, to bring home my baby finally, to miss sleep in order to feed and care for my newborn, to be a mom to a living, breathing baby. Those are my prayers and dreams. Sometimes it seems like I'm so close to realizing them and other times it feels like there's no end in sight, just a long tunnel.
Well, once again my heart feel a little lighter after getting all of that out. My goals for the rest of the night, the rest of the week, the rest of the month, etc are to be more mindful, more relaxed, and more positive. Thanks for reading!!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
A New Cycle...
It's been a pretty busy week (which is always a good thing) but I haven't been able to post as much as I would like. I'm working nights this week so I go in at 5:30pm and get done at 7am. Then, I spend the day trying to sleep, watching The Office on Netflix, playing with the puppy, taking the puppy outside, training the puppy, doing laundry, and doing Insanity for my daily workout. So, that's been my week. I have 2 more nights and then a nice 4 day weekend and I cannot wait to see CJ again. (Good thing I wasn't ovulating this week because BD'ing would have been difficult.
And now for an update on rainbow making. I went to see the RE on Monday. He seems really nice and very practical which I really like and he has this great southern accent. He checked another beta just to confirm that it was indeed a chemical and as expected my beta was down to 2.3, which is now negative (plus AF came later that night, so at least I didn't have to wait long). Now, I fall into the repeat pregnancy loss category, which is sad, but at least I know I can get pregnant again. The plan for this cycle is to take a break from Clomid and get an HSG. I'm currently on CD 3 and I have my HSG scheduled for next Friday (CD 12). I'm a little nervous because I know that some people say that it really hurts, but I'm just gonna load up on Tylenol and I should be okay. I'm also hopeful because I know there are a lot of people who have gotten pregnant soon after having an HSG, so I hoping that we finally get lucky (and I mean really lucky this time, like jackpot lucky, not just a little lucky). I'm a little nervous that I won't ovulate without Clomid though, but I was ovulating before Clomid (just a little late) so I'm hopeful that it will be okay this month. I have also heard stories about people getting pregnant when they are on a break from Clomid. Maybe this time I'll be one of those people. Fingers crossed!! I think we'll just do Egg Meets Sperm Plan, but I'm gonna try to keep it light and fun for my husband's sake. I'm gonna try to be positive about this cycle, but also try to feel like I'm on a break (since I technically am). So, I guess we'll see what happens.
All of that being said, there is a little pressure on this cycle. This is right around when I conceived last year. Each month that passes, I'm sad and frustrated, but this cycle may be even harder because a full year has passed and all I have to show for it (baby-wise) is 2 +HPT and 2 losses. That's a little hard to swallow. Plus, if it works this cycle, then we won't have to pay the big bucks for treatment (since my insurance only covers testing) and I'll be out of the first trimester by the 1st anniversary of my miscarriage. I lied. I don't just have my fingers crossed, but I have been and will also be praying as hard as I can!! Dear God, please help us to make our rainbow this cycle.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Weekend Ramblings...
Chemicals suck.
They really do. Maybe because this one caught me by surprise, but the past 2 days have been really hard. Looking back at my post where I listed why this was or wasn't my cycle for a BFP, it's funny because actually that's what happened...this was and it wasn't my cycle since I ended up getting a BFP, but it was over basically before it began. Now, I'm still waiting on AF and for the first time this year, I hope she comes soon since I already know that there's no bean cooking right now. That's why it was nice waiting for AF without testing because then I had hope up until AF started and then after she started at least it was already CD1 and I could start hoping for the next cycle.
I know I'm kinda rambling, but I just wanted to get this out so that I'll start to feel better. My blog really is becoming my therapy. So, here's the run down of my sad weekend. I'm kinda venting and this post might be pretty long.
Since I was stuck at work until 7am on Saturday, I didn't get a chance to see CJ (and be comforted by him until then) so I struggled all night after getting my beta back to hold back my tears ( I really hate crying at work.) As I was driving home, I lost it and crawled into bed sobbing. I was just so sad that we had lost another baby, another chance for hope. My poor husband to wake up to a crying wife, but he was great and helped me to feel a little bit better so I could get a little sleep.
After a brief nap, we headed on a 3 hour road trip to pick up our 8 week old puppy. His name is Ender (from Ender's Game by Orsen Scott Card). He's an adorable, tricolor, Cavapoo and we are in love. It was a tough day introducing Ender to us and his new home, but he did great. Then, as we sat outside waiting for him to do his business I realized that Ender's birthday, March 17th was right around when I would have had my angel baby. So our puppy is exactly as old as our baby would have been. It's nice in a way because now we do have a new member of our family, but I'll be honest when I say that I would trade my puppy in a heartbeat for a baby.
On Sunday morning, I tried to talk to my twin sister. I realized that I missed her and I was sad that we hadn't spoken in a week, but I knew it would be hard. It was. She just sounds so happy on the phone and I'm so not happy that it's such a striking difference. We chatted for awhile and I tried to talk to her about why it was so hard for me talk to her now that she's pregnant again. She doesn't really get it though and I don't blame her. She's never been through a loss. Every time she's seen a +HPT it has led to a baby. I've seen 2 +HPT now and I have nothing by heartbreak to show for it. I'm worried that this will affect our friendship (and I know that it will), but I really don't want to lose her. She's my best friend. So, I tried asking her about her pregnancy. Turns out she's 8 weeks. She saw the baby at 6 weeks with a flickering heartbeat on ultrasound. Her next appointment is at the 11 week mark. She's due right before Christmas. She's feeling morning sickness and really picky with food. Then I just had to tell her that that was enough for one day. I don't know if the conversation helped at all. I just started crying afterwards again. I told you it was a sad weekend.
Now, I'm back at work for another night shift. I miss CJ, but he's at home taking care of the puppy and they're having a blast. Plus, work is pretty slow right now, so I have some time to catch up on my blogging and read all the wonderful comments from all of you from ICLW. It made me feel a lot better reading every one's comments on my Seriously post. Thank you for reading, for your support, and for your encouragement. This is my first time taking part and I'm a big fan. It will give me something to look forward to every month and help me to meet more people who actually really do understand.
I really do feel better now. Thanks for reading. I'm gonna try to get some reading and commenting done on a few other blogs before I get paged to do any work.
They really do. Maybe because this one caught me by surprise, but the past 2 days have been really hard. Looking back at my post where I listed why this was or wasn't my cycle for a BFP, it's funny because actually that's what happened...this was and it wasn't my cycle since I ended up getting a BFP, but it was over basically before it began. Now, I'm still waiting on AF and for the first time this year, I hope she comes soon since I already know that there's no bean cooking right now. That's why it was nice waiting for AF without testing because then I had hope up until AF started and then after she started at least it was already CD1 and I could start hoping for the next cycle.
I know I'm kinda rambling, but I just wanted to get this out so that I'll start to feel better. My blog really is becoming my therapy. So, here's the run down of my sad weekend. I'm kinda venting and this post might be pretty long.
Since I was stuck at work until 7am on Saturday, I didn't get a chance to see CJ (and be comforted by him until then) so I struggled all night after getting my beta back to hold back my tears ( I really hate crying at work.) As I was driving home, I lost it and crawled into bed sobbing. I was just so sad that we had lost another baby, another chance for hope. My poor husband to wake up to a crying wife, but he was great and helped me to feel a little bit better so I could get a little sleep.
After a brief nap, we headed on a 3 hour road trip to pick up our 8 week old puppy. His name is Ender (from Ender's Game by Orsen Scott Card). He's an adorable, tricolor, Cavapoo and we are in love. It was a tough day introducing Ender to us and his new home, but he did great. Then, as we sat outside waiting for him to do his business I realized that Ender's birthday, March 17th was right around when I would have had my angel baby. So our puppy is exactly as old as our baby would have been. It's nice in a way because now we do have a new member of our family, but I'll be honest when I say that I would trade my puppy in a heartbeat for a baby.
On Sunday morning, I tried to talk to my twin sister. I realized that I missed her and I was sad that we hadn't spoken in a week, but I knew it would be hard. It was. She just sounds so happy on the phone and I'm so not happy that it's such a striking difference. We chatted for awhile and I tried to talk to her about why it was so hard for me talk to her now that she's pregnant again. She doesn't really get it though and I don't blame her. She's never been through a loss. Every time she's seen a +HPT it has led to a baby. I've seen 2 +HPT now and I have nothing by heartbreak to show for it. I'm worried that this will affect our friendship (and I know that it will), but I really don't want to lose her. She's my best friend. So, I tried asking her about her pregnancy. Turns out she's 8 weeks. She saw the baby at 6 weeks with a flickering heartbeat on ultrasound. Her next appointment is at the 11 week mark. She's due right before Christmas. She's feeling morning sickness and really picky with food. Then I just had to tell her that that was enough for one day. I don't know if the conversation helped at all. I just started crying afterwards again. I told you it was a sad weekend.
Now, I'm back at work for another night shift. I miss CJ, but he's at home taking care of the puppy and they're having a blast. Plus, work is pretty slow right now, so I have some time to catch up on my blogging and read all the wonderful comments from all of you from ICLW. It made me feel a lot better reading every one's comments on my Seriously post. Thank you for reading, for your support, and for your encouragement. This is my first time taking part and I'm a big fan. It will give me something to look forward to every month and help me to meet more people who actually really do understand.
I really do feel better now. Thanks for reading. I'm gonna try to get some reading and commenting done on a few other blogs before I get paged to do any work.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Seriously...
Well it looks like CJ and I were able to conceive again, but it's looking like a chemical. I got my hcg level checked today and it was only 9.3. I prayed so hard for this baby that I just didn't think that if we finally did see 2 pink lines that it wouldn't lead to a baby...again. I'm so sad. I don't even think it's really worth it to check another level in 3 days since it's so low now. I'm trying to brace myself for AF, but there is a tiny part of my brain that thinks maybe the numbers will double and this will lead to a viable pregnancy. But I confirmed ovulation with opk's and bbt so I don't think I'm that far off. Maybe I just implanted late. I don't think I'm that lucky. Why couldn't my number have been 93?!? Chemical pregnancies seem like a cruel joke. For 3 days, I was happy that I was finally pregnant again and now my world has crashed down. On the other hand, at least the sperm met the egg again, so we're getting closer. I'm stuck at work until 7am tomorrow morning and fighting off tears. Next step, make an appointment with the RE and try to get seen next week before it's too late to start meds, scans, labs, ect.
Total bummer...
Total bummer...
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Starting to lose hope...
Another day, another very, very faint second line. I don't know what to think really. Is it the test? Is it a chemical? Is this the real thing and it's still too early? It's funny after 4 cycles of nothing but stark BFN's, I finally get to see a second line and it even shows up within the time limit. But it's just so faint. And it hasn't really gotten any darker over the past 2 days. Here's how my day went so far...wake up at 6am...POAS...very, very, faint BFP. Go to work, don't drink anything, hold it, wait until 10am...POAS again...very, very faint BFP shows up by 3 minutes and is marginally darker by the 5 minute time limit. I so badly want to believe that this is it, this is my rainbow baby growing inside me...but I just can't be sure. I even put in an email to my OB telling her that I saw a faint BFP on a HPT and could I please go get a beta today to see what's happening? Part of the reason why I want to know so badly is that if it is just a chemical, then I want to be able to schedule my appointment with the RE so that I don't miss a month. I know that only time will tell. I was so hopeful and excited last night, fully expecting the line to be nice and dark this morning. It was definitely a let down. Today is 13 dpo. I guess I'll find out shortly enough. Stay tuned...
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
12 DPO
First, I have to say that I love having an anonymous blog. It's so nice to have a place to write about my loss and TTC and everything in between. It's also therapeutic and I actually feel better after blogging...lighter and relaxed. When I started this blog, I had my husband try to find it online. I wanted to make sure that my family or friends in real life wouldn't be able to find this. He couldn't find it, so I think I'm safe! I hope so.
There is another huge bonus to having this blog and this is why I'm so glad that it's anonymous. CJ and I have had 9 months to talk about what we would do if we found out that we were pregnant again. We decided that this time around we would keep it a secret until I was in my 2nd trimester/I'm showing. With our first pregnancy, I told my twin sister on the day I tested and I told my parents the very next day. We told CJ's parents a day later and I can still remember hearing the excitement in my MIL's voice. We don't want to do that again. This time we want it to be our secret until we're much further along. Then, we will have a great surprise for all of our family and friends that we'll be having a baby in only 5 months. We also talked about when we want to go in for ultrasounds this time around. Since I work at the hospital and have great health insurance (one of the perks of being a resident), I'm sure that I could go in for another ultrasound whenever I wanted. Last time, we had our first ultrasound at 6w1d and saw our beautiful little bean with a strong heartbeat only to lose him or her 4 weeks later. Next time around, I'm thinking about waiting until 7-8 weeks for my first scan...that way if we see a good heartbeat it will be a little more reassuring. I don't know. I'm kinda rambling here. I can barely type this so I guess I'll start at the beginning.
Monday night I was on-call and pretty busy with cases in the OR until 2am when I got to go home. All night I had been having occasional pinpoint cramping/tenderness in my lower abdomen and I couldn't help but think that it was implantation cramping. Tuesday morning (11dpo) I took a HPT with FMU and it was another stark white, clear-as-day BFN. I was pretty down during the day. I would keep testing, but I started to prepare myself for seeing the RE early next week when I started my next cycle. Then, yesterday afternoon I worked out and took a shower and for some reason decided to POAS again. I don't know what came over me. I set the stick down on the counter and finished getting ready for my class. 5 minutes later I glanced at the stick, obviously expecting another BFN. Lo and behold, there was a second line there...very, very faint, but within the time frame. I yelled for CJ to come to the bathroom. I think he thought that I had seriously injured myself so he came running and I showed him the stick. He confirmed that there was a line there and I almost started crying. By this point, I was almost late for my class, so I had to run.
So, there you have it. 2 lines (one very, very, very faint) and a BFP on the evening of 11dpo. WOW! I'm on the road to rainbow making and I'm so grateful, so happy, and definitely still in shock.
This morning, I took another test, still very, very faint, but definitely still there. I'm trying not to get excited yet, because I know that this could still all end in a chemical or another miscarriage. I'm going to take this one day at a time and I will be thankful for every single day that I am pregnant. I don't even know if I want to have beta's checked. I think I will keep POAS until the line gets nice and dark and then let my doctor know and see what she says.
I'll post some pictures as soon as the line gets a lot darker!! Stay tuned.
There is another huge bonus to having this blog and this is why I'm so glad that it's anonymous. CJ and I have had 9 months to talk about what we would do if we found out that we were pregnant again. We decided that this time around we would keep it a secret until I was in my 2nd trimester/I'm showing. With our first pregnancy, I told my twin sister on the day I tested and I told my parents the very next day. We told CJ's parents a day later and I can still remember hearing the excitement in my MIL's voice. We don't want to do that again. This time we want it to be our secret until we're much further along. Then, we will have a great surprise for all of our family and friends that we'll be having a baby in only 5 months. We also talked about when we want to go in for ultrasounds this time around. Since I work at the hospital and have great health insurance (one of the perks of being a resident), I'm sure that I could go in for another ultrasound whenever I wanted. Last time, we had our first ultrasound at 6w1d and saw our beautiful little bean with a strong heartbeat only to lose him or her 4 weeks later. Next time around, I'm thinking about waiting until 7-8 weeks for my first scan...that way if we see a good heartbeat it will be a little more reassuring. I don't know. I'm kinda rambling here. I can barely type this so I guess I'll start at the beginning.
Monday night I was on-call and pretty busy with cases in the OR until 2am when I got to go home. All night I had been having occasional pinpoint cramping/tenderness in my lower abdomen and I couldn't help but think that it was implantation cramping. Tuesday morning (11dpo) I took a HPT with FMU and it was another stark white, clear-as-day BFN. I was pretty down during the day. I would keep testing, but I started to prepare myself for seeing the RE early next week when I started my next cycle. Then, yesterday afternoon I worked out and took a shower and for some reason decided to POAS again. I don't know what came over me. I set the stick down on the counter and finished getting ready for my class. 5 minutes later I glanced at the stick, obviously expecting another BFN. Lo and behold, there was a second line there...very, very faint, but within the time frame. I yelled for CJ to come to the bathroom. I think he thought that I had seriously injured myself so he came running and I showed him the stick. He confirmed that there was a line there and I almost started crying. By this point, I was almost late for my class, so I had to run.
So, there you have it. 2 lines (one very, very, very faint) and a BFP on the evening of 11dpo. WOW! I'm on the road to rainbow making and I'm so grateful, so happy, and definitely still in shock.
This morning, I took another test, still very, very faint, but definitely still there. I'm trying not to get excited yet, because I know that this could still all end in a chemical or another miscarriage. I'm going to take this one day at a time and I will be thankful for every single day that I am pregnant. I don't even know if I want to have beta's checked. I think I will keep POAS until the line gets nice and dark and then let my doctor know and see what she says.
I'll post some pictures as soon as the line gets a lot darker!! Stay tuned.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Not even a hint of a line...
So, I started officially testing this morning at 10dpo. It wasn't my first test this cycle since I went a little crazy and tested at 7dpo, but I wasn't expecting anything at that time at all. However, I have read (mostly on babycenter) a lot of people who get their BFP's at 10dpo and I was really hoping that there would be 2 lines there this morning. I was sadly disappointed. It was so white that even my poor brain couldn't pretend to see a line. Oh well. I know that I'm not out and that it's still early, but I'm still sad and feeling like I'm out this month. This is probably why I always waited until AF was late to test in the past...then you hold on to hope a lot longer, but the end result is the same. Plus, I get to test again tomorrow morning and we'll see what happens, but I'm definitely preparing for another BFN. Here are my reasons why I think that this either is or isn't the month. (I've been thinking about this for awhile and just need to get it out.)
Why this is/should be my month...
1. It's been over a year since we started TTC.
2. It's my third round of clomid and after this my OB is turning me over to the RE (which gives me hope, but also means a lot more money)
3. My progesterone was 77 at about 4dpo.
4. We timed our BD'ing perfectly and this month we even held back a little and did every other day until my +OPK and then everyday after that x 3. It was basically textbook egg meets sperm plan.
5. It's been 9 months since my miscarriage.
6. I would be due right around my birthday.
7. My twin sister (who just had a baby last May) is about 6 weeks pregnant with her 3rd baby. How did she get pregnant again before me? And how is it fair that she had a baby last year and will have a baby this year when I lost my first baby and still can't get pregnant?!? (I know life's not fair...I'm just venting)
8. My twin sister and I would get to be pregnant at the same time.
9. One of my psychic readings said conceive in May or June so I'm hoping that she is right for May!
10. I would be in my 2nd trimester by August which is when I miscarried last year.
Why this isn't/can't be my month...
1. It hasn't worked for the past 4 cycles (2 on clomid) so why would it work now.
2. I can't imagine actually seeing a second line on a pregnancy test.
3. I can't imagine the end of this sadness that I carry with me daily to be replaced by the hope of carrying a baby again.
4. My twin sister is pregnant and obviously got all the fertile genes in the family.
5. It would be too perfect, too wonderful, too awesome and I'm just not that lucky.
6. There's only a 20% chance of conception even with perfectly timed BD'ing.
7. I'm not relaxed enough.
8. I haven't given up yet...(You always hear about the people who finally gave up trying and that was the month they conceived.)
9. I used up all my blessings on my amazing husband.
10. I had a BFN at 10dpo and should probably just realize that I have failed to get pregnant again. My body has failed me again.
Wow, that actually was therapeutic. I actually feel a lot better now that I got that out there.
I also wanted to say thank you to the wonderful people who commented on my blog and a big huge welcome to my 1st 2 followers!! That's so exciting and it was definitely the bright spot in this otherwise dreary day. I hope you stay along for the ride.
Why this is/should be my month...
1. It's been over a year since we started TTC.
2. It's my third round of clomid and after this my OB is turning me over to the RE (which gives me hope, but also means a lot more money)
3. My progesterone was 77 at about 4dpo.
4. We timed our BD'ing perfectly and this month we even held back a little and did every other day until my +OPK and then everyday after that x 3. It was basically textbook egg meets sperm plan.
5. It's been 9 months since my miscarriage.
6. I would be due right around my birthday.
7. My twin sister (who just had a baby last May) is about 6 weeks pregnant with her 3rd baby. How did she get pregnant again before me? And how is it fair that she had a baby last year and will have a baby this year when I lost my first baby and still can't get pregnant?!? (I know life's not fair...I'm just venting)
8. My twin sister and I would get to be pregnant at the same time.
9. One of my psychic readings said conceive in May or June so I'm hoping that she is right for May!
10. I would be in my 2nd trimester by August which is when I miscarried last year.
Why this isn't/can't be my month...
1. It hasn't worked for the past 4 cycles (2 on clomid) so why would it work now.
2. I can't imagine actually seeing a second line on a pregnancy test.
3. I can't imagine the end of this sadness that I carry with me daily to be replaced by the hope of carrying a baby again.
4. My twin sister is pregnant and obviously got all the fertile genes in the family.
5. It would be too perfect, too wonderful, too awesome and I'm just not that lucky.
6. There's only a 20% chance of conception even with perfectly timed BD'ing.
7. I'm not relaxed enough.
8. I haven't given up yet...(You always hear about the people who finally gave up trying and that was the month they conceived.)
9. I used up all my blessings on my amazing husband.
10. I had a BFN at 10dpo and should probably just realize that I have failed to get pregnant again. My body has failed me again.
Wow, that actually was therapeutic. I actually feel a lot better now that I got that out there.
I also wanted to say thank you to the wonderful people who commented on my blog and a big huge welcome to my 1st 2 followers!! That's so exciting and it was definitely the bright spot in this otherwise dreary day. I hope you stay along for the ride.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
My dream last night...
So, I had an interesting dream last night that made me a little sad, but relieved that it was just a dream. In the dream, I was seeing an RE and he basically said well since you haven't gotten pregnant yet, I don't think we can help you unless you do IVF. I was crushed in my dream. Then, he said that there was an opening for an IVF cycle right now, but it would cose $230,000!! I was totally crushed again because even in the dream we couldn't afford that. All in all it was a pretty sad dream and left me worrying if we would even be successful in getting pregnant again.
In other news, 5dpo today. I might start testing tomorrow morning just for fun, but we'll see how I feel in the morning...I'll keep you posted.
In other news, 5dpo today. I might start testing tomorrow morning just for fun, but we'll see how I feel in the morning...I'll keep you posted.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Progesterone = 77.4
Yep, that's right just got my progesterone level checked on CD 23 @ 4dpo (confirmed with +OPK, temp rise, and ovulation pain). Last month, my level was 52.5 and I wasn't pregnant, so I know that the higher number doesn't mean that I am pregnant, but it is so nice to be ovulating in a timely fashion again. Thank you Clomid. I also bought some cheap HPT's at Amazon last night...25 tests for $5. This month instead of just waiting for AF and watching my temps, I'm mixing it up. I'm gonna start testing at 6dpo and see what happens.
Wish me luck!!
Wish me luck!!
Monday, May 9, 2011
Welcome to the 2WW!
I'm officially in the 2WW!!! Here are just some random thoughts as I embark on another 2WW...
Today is CD 22. CJ and I spent the end of last week and the weekend BD'ing to try to catch the egg (or eggs!!) after my +OPK on Friday. My temp rose on Saturday and has stayed up since then, so FF has me pegged at 3 dpo. I also had pretty bad ovulation pain on Saturday and a little bit on Sunday. Since I'm taking Clomid and not being monitored I wonder how many follicles I had. Last week at this time I was getting increasingly more anxious about whether I would ovulate and now I'm already 3 dpo...TTC is funny like that.
I'm probably going to get my blood drawn tomorrow for a progesterone level. My doctor wanted me to get it drawn on CD 21 even if that wasn't 7dpo (I asked), but since I didn't ovulate until CD 19 and last month I got my progesterone checked on CD 22 and 4dpo, I thought that I would wait one more day and get it checked tomorrow so that I can compare the results with last month. The thing is last month my progesterone was 52.5. I know, really high and I thought for sure I was pregnant, so I'm not really sure how I feel about checking another level, but I am hoping for a nice high level tomorrow.
I'm so grateful to be in the 2WW because it means that I have a chance to be pregnant and that if I'm not pregnant at least I will get my period without taking meds or waiting until CD 50+. I'm also anxious because I want to be pregnant so badly. There are so many positives that I can think of about getting pregnant this month, but of course, I've been thinking that every month and it hasn't really worked out. On one hand, I'm trying not to get my hopes up because I know if AF shows that I'll be devastated...again. I also can't really imagine actually getting a BFP. On the other hand, I'm hopeful because this is our 5 month TTC since we started again after the miscarriage.
With a 20-25% chance each month, the odds are now in our favor and we have had perfectly timed bd'ing every month. This month, though, we did follow my doctor's instructions exactly and only bd'ed every other day on cd 10, 12, 14, 16, 18 and then everyday after i got my +opk on cd 19 for 3 days, so cd 19, 20, and 21. In my previous cycles, we couldn't just do every other day because of my call schedule so we would end up bd'ing 2-3 days in a row and then skip a day. I'm hoping that by sticking to the schedule we gave ourselves the best chance at getting pregnant this month!
Alright, well that was a pretty random post about my thoughts as I embark on the 2ww. In 2 short weeks, I will know if I am pregnant and I cannot wait!!
Today is CD 22. CJ and I spent the end of last week and the weekend BD'ing to try to catch the egg (or eggs!!) after my +OPK on Friday. My temp rose on Saturday and has stayed up since then, so FF has me pegged at 3 dpo. I also had pretty bad ovulation pain on Saturday and a little bit on Sunday. Since I'm taking Clomid and not being monitored I wonder how many follicles I had. Last week at this time I was getting increasingly more anxious about whether I would ovulate and now I'm already 3 dpo...TTC is funny like that.
I'm probably going to get my blood drawn tomorrow for a progesterone level. My doctor wanted me to get it drawn on CD 21 even if that wasn't 7dpo (I asked), but since I didn't ovulate until CD 19 and last month I got my progesterone checked on CD 22 and 4dpo, I thought that I would wait one more day and get it checked tomorrow so that I can compare the results with last month. The thing is last month my progesterone was 52.5. I know, really high and I thought for sure I was pregnant, so I'm not really sure how I feel about checking another level, but I am hoping for a nice high level tomorrow.
I'm so grateful to be in the 2WW because it means that I have a chance to be pregnant and that if I'm not pregnant at least I will get my period without taking meds or waiting until CD 50+. I'm also anxious because I want to be pregnant so badly. There are so many positives that I can think of about getting pregnant this month, but of course, I've been thinking that every month and it hasn't really worked out. On one hand, I'm trying not to get my hopes up because I know if AF shows that I'll be devastated...again. I also can't really imagine actually getting a BFP. On the other hand, I'm hopeful because this is our 5 month TTC since we started again after the miscarriage.
With a 20-25% chance each month, the odds are now in our favor and we have had perfectly timed bd'ing every month. This month, though, we did follow my doctor's instructions exactly and only bd'ed every other day on cd 10, 12, 14, 16, 18 and then everyday after i got my +opk on cd 19 for 3 days, so cd 19, 20, and 21. In my previous cycles, we couldn't just do every other day because of my call schedule so we would end up bd'ing 2-3 days in a row and then skip a day. I'm hoping that by sticking to the schedule we gave ourselves the best chance at getting pregnant this month!
Alright, well that was a pretty random post about my thoughts as I embark on the 2ww. In 2 short weeks, I will know if I am pregnant and I cannot wait!!
Friday, May 6, 2011
Smiley Face!!
Needless to say, I'm feeling a lot better today!! It's CD 19 so that's not too late, but no improvement with the higher dose of clomid...oh well. I'm just excited to be ovulating!! I'll be looking for a nice temp rise over the weekend and we'll be BD'ing every day for the next 3 days!! It would be so great if it worked this cycle, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up. How cute is that smiley face?! It just makes me happy!!
Happy Friday!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Waiting for the smiley face
Well, I just spent the last hour reading through many other blogs about IF. Now, it's time to do some work on mine. I'm still working on the design and layout, but now it's time for a post. Today, I thought that I would give an update on my cycle.
Today is CD 18. I was really hoping to see a smiley face on my OPK when I tested this morning (around 8am, not FMU), but alas it still showed me that depressing blank cicle. Where is the smiley face???? My temps are still low, around 97.2-97.4, and I'm feeling twinges/light cramps in my ovaries, but I'm starting to get nervous that I won't ovulate. Last cycle I ovulated on CD 18 when I was taking Clomid 100mg cd 5-9 and my first cycle on Clomid 50mg cd 5-9 I ovulated on CD 19 so I was really hoping to ovulate a little earlier since I was on the higher dose (150mg) this cycle. I think waiting to ovulate is more stressful than the TWW since if you make it to the TWW than at least you have a chance to be pregnant, but if you don't ovulate, than you don't have a chance. I'm trying to be patient and hopefully I'll get to see the smiley face tomorrow, but it's hard. Plus, I'm working the night shift tonight so I hope that doesn't mess anything up. CJ and I have been BD'ing every other day since cd 10 and it's actually been a lot of fun and not stressful this month. I just need to ovulate...come on smiley face!!
I'm also trying to keep my hope up because if this cycle doesn't work, than I will get to see an RE next cycle. I think I might just need that trigger shot to help me ovulate earlier. Man, I would love to have a 30day or less cycle!!
Well, now I'm gonna try to meet some people in the TTC community by doing some more blog reading and commenting!!
Today is CD 18. I was really hoping to see a smiley face on my OPK when I tested this morning (around 8am, not FMU), but alas it still showed me that depressing blank cicle. Where is the smiley face???? My temps are still low, around 97.2-97.4, and I'm feeling twinges/light cramps in my ovaries, but I'm starting to get nervous that I won't ovulate. Last cycle I ovulated on CD 18 when I was taking Clomid 100mg cd 5-9 and my first cycle on Clomid 50mg cd 5-9 I ovulated on CD 19 so I was really hoping to ovulate a little earlier since I was on the higher dose (150mg) this cycle. I think waiting to ovulate is more stressful than the TWW since if you make it to the TWW than at least you have a chance to be pregnant, but if you don't ovulate, than you don't have a chance. I'm trying to be patient and hopefully I'll get to see the smiley face tomorrow, but it's hard. Plus, I'm working the night shift tonight so I hope that doesn't mess anything up. CJ and I have been BD'ing every other day since cd 10 and it's actually been a lot of fun and not stressful this month. I just need to ovulate...come on smiley face!!
I'm also trying to keep my hope up because if this cycle doesn't work, than I will get to see an RE next cycle. I think I might just need that trigger shot to help me ovulate earlier. Man, I would love to have a 30day or less cycle!!
Well, now I'm gonna try to meet some people in the TTC community by doing some more blog reading and commenting!!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Rainbow Making A-Z
I got this idea from many of the blogs i'm now following. I thought it was great so I thought that it would be a good post, especially since it will be a good introduction to my blog. So here goes...
A. Age when you started TTC: 27
B. Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex.
C. Children wanted: My husband has always said that he wants 2 children, a boy and a girl and I agreed. Two sounds like the perfect number, but at this point, I will be happy with just one rainbow baby. We'll see how it goes!!
D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: We will be welcoming a new puppy to our family in 3 weeks. His name is Ender (after the book Ender's Game) and he is a Cavapoo, which is a cross between a Cavalier King Charles and a poodle. We are so excited to bring him home!!
E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: I'm taking prenatal vitamins and a baby aspirin. Plus, I've been drinking about a cup of green tea everyday since January.
F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: Clomid x 3 rounds.
G. Gain: Luckily none so far, but my weight has fluctuated a lot this year. After my miscarriage, I lost a lot of weights. Then, surviving the holidays meant gaining probably about 5 pounds and now, with more consistent exercise, I've managed to lose those 5 pounds to come back to the exact weight I was at when we first started this whole journey.
H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Not yet. I asked my OB if i could have one done before this cycle since I had to have 2 d&C's with my miscarriage, but she said that since i'm getting my period, she didn't think that I needed to have one done. I'll be moving on to an RE next cycle though and I'm sure that they will want to do one. So, I have that to look forward to...
I. Infertile Pet Peeves: "Just relax and it will happen."
J. Job title: MD. I'm a second year resident with another 2 years of training before I'm out on my own.
K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Rowan for a girl and Finley for a boy. Shhhh, don't tell my husband I posted our baby names because we'll be keeping it a secret from our family and friends until our baby is here!
L. Length of time TTC: 1 year, 1 month, and 3 weeks.
M. Miscarriages: Missed miscarriage on August 27, 2010 at 10 weeks. It was devastating and I'm still struggling with my emotions. I'm not sure that I'll ever feel whole again until I get pregnant again and have my rainbow baby.
N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: Zero. I've just been seen and treated by my OB for the past year, but she will be referring me to an RE if I don't get pregnant this cycle.
O. Ovarian quality: I think okay, but I haven't had any tests yet. Testing will commence when I see the RE next month.
P. POAS or wait for AF: Both. Last month though I didn't POAS since I only had one left and then my temp dropped so I figured that there would be no point in wasting the money. Plus, I feel like I won the game by not POAS and seeing another BFN. This cycle though I will be POAS just to mix thing up a little bit.
Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: This is from my twin sister who has 2 children and her youngest is only 10 months old. "So, I wasn't feeling good the other night and I even threw up. So, I decided to take a pregnancy test...and it was positive." Are you kidding me??
S. Sperm: Not sure, but he'll get tested next month if we're not pregnant by then.
T. Time you tried naturally: 3 months and then we got pregnant last July, which ended in miscarriage. 4 months after my miscarriage with long and irregular cycles, so I started Clomid.
U. Uterus quality: As far as I know, it's fine...and boring...see below.
V. Vagina: My OB told me I have a perfectly boring exam at my last check up so I'm hoping that my uterus and vagina don't get offended.
W. What baby stuff do you already have?: None. We didn't buy anything when we were pregnant last summer because it was so early and I had a bad feeling about it the whole time.
X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? All my wonderful blog readers, my twin sister (who I can't talk to anymore), and my 2 best friends.
Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): Yep, I went in February, but it aslo doubled as getting started on Clomid, so it was really efficient.
Z. Zits: Definitely more since starting Clomid. I'm not really sure what that's about.
Well, that was fun. I hope you enjoyed reading! Now, it's time to find some other great blogs to follow and maybe get some work done today.
A. Age when you started TTC: 27
B. Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex.
C. Children wanted: My husband has always said that he wants 2 children, a boy and a girl and I agreed. Two sounds like the perfect number, but at this point, I will be happy with just one rainbow baby. We'll see how it goes!!
D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: We will be welcoming a new puppy to our family in 3 weeks. His name is Ender (after the book Ender's Game) and he is a Cavapoo, which is a cross between a Cavalier King Charles and a poodle. We are so excited to bring him home!!
E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: I'm taking prenatal vitamins and a baby aspirin. Plus, I've been drinking about a cup of green tea everyday since January.
F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: Clomid x 3 rounds.
G. Gain: Luckily none so far, but my weight has fluctuated a lot this year. After my miscarriage, I lost a lot of weights. Then, surviving the holidays meant gaining probably about 5 pounds and now, with more consistent exercise, I've managed to lose those 5 pounds to come back to the exact weight I was at when we first started this whole journey.
H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Not yet. I asked my OB if i could have one done before this cycle since I had to have 2 d&C's with my miscarriage, but she said that since i'm getting my period, she didn't think that I needed to have one done. I'll be moving on to an RE next cycle though and I'm sure that they will want to do one. So, I have that to look forward to...
I. Infertile Pet Peeves: "Just relax and it will happen."
J. Job title: MD. I'm a second year resident with another 2 years of training before I'm out on my own.
K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Rowan for a girl and Finley for a boy. Shhhh, don't tell my husband I posted our baby names because we'll be keeping it a secret from our family and friends until our baby is here!
L. Length of time TTC: 1 year, 1 month, and 3 weeks.
M. Miscarriages: Missed miscarriage on August 27, 2010 at 10 weeks. It was devastating and I'm still struggling with my emotions. I'm not sure that I'll ever feel whole again until I get pregnant again and have my rainbow baby.
N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: Zero. I've just been seen and treated by my OB for the past year, but she will be referring me to an RE if I don't get pregnant this cycle.
O. Ovarian quality: I think okay, but I haven't had any tests yet. Testing will commence when I see the RE next month.
P. POAS or wait for AF: Both. Last month though I didn't POAS since I only had one left and then my temp dropped so I figured that there would be no point in wasting the money. Plus, I feel like I won the game by not POAS and seeing another BFN. This cycle though I will be POAS just to mix thing up a little bit.
Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: This is from my twin sister who has 2 children and her youngest is only 10 months old. "So, I wasn't feeling good the other night and I even threw up. So, I decided to take a pregnancy test...and it was positive." Are you kidding me??
S. Sperm: Not sure, but he'll get tested next month if we're not pregnant by then.
T. Time you tried naturally: 3 months and then we got pregnant last July, which ended in miscarriage. 4 months after my miscarriage with long and irregular cycles, so I started Clomid.
U. Uterus quality: As far as I know, it's fine...and boring...see below.
V. Vagina: My OB told me I have a perfectly boring exam at my last check up so I'm hoping that my uterus and vagina don't get offended.
W. What baby stuff do you already have?: None. We didn't buy anything when we were pregnant last summer because it was so early and I had a bad feeling about it the whole time.
X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? All my wonderful blog readers, my twin sister (who I can't talk to anymore), and my 2 best friends.
Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): Yep, I went in February, but it aslo doubled as getting started on Clomid, so it was really efficient.
Z. Zits: Definitely more since starting Clomid. I'm not really sure what that's about.
Well, that was fun. I hope you enjoyed reading! Now, it's time to find some other great blogs to follow and maybe get some work done today.
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