Thursday, May 26, 2011

Another long night...

It's my last night to work this week.  I cannot wait to have a nice, long 4 day weekend with CJ and to sleep in my bed again.  I'm posting from work since I've been doing too much thinking while I've been working nights. 

I started taking a Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction class almost 8 weeks ago.  It's offered at the hospital and I even get a discount since I'm a resident.  Basically, mindfulness is non-judgemental present moment awareness.  Sounds simple, but it's pretty hard to do on a daily basis.  It has definitely helped me over the past 8 weeks and when I'm actually being mindful, I can feel myself become more relaxed.  Last cycle, I was probably the happiest I had been since August, largely in part because of my mindfulness training.  I haven't been as mindful since I found out about the chemical though so the past week has been hard.  I really need to get back into it.  I think once I'm off nights and sleeping regularly again, I'll be more mindful. 
This week there have just been a couple of thoughts that keep bouncing around my mind, so once again I'm going to write about them to get it out of my head.
First, I've been feeling very isolated.  Part of that is because I'm on nights and haven't seen CJ for more than an hour all week or been able to go out with my friends.  Part of that is not talking to my twin sister very much.  That part just feels like a big hole ripped open in my heart that I'm not sure how to fix.  I miss her and I want to talk to her, but I cannot bring myself to do so because all I can think about is how she's pregnant...again.  Another big part of my isolation is that not a lot of people in real life really understand what I'm going through and why this is still a struggle even though my miscarriage was in August.  I had 2 friends who had miscarriages 2 years ago, and they were amazing to talk to for the first few months after my loss.  Their stories were very different from mine though since they were both able to get pregnant again within 2 months of their loss and deliver healthy baby boys.  I just feel like I can't talk to them anymore because they have no idea what it's like to suffer through this for 9 months with no end in sight.  Everyday I struggle to be happy despite the fact that I am not pregnant again.  It's exhausting.  I'm really glad I started this blog because at least it's helped me feel more connected to people who do understand what I'm going through.
The other thing I've been thinking about is just how badly I want to be pregnant again (with a sticky rainbow baby that I will be able to bring home 9 months later!!)  I'm feeling inpatient and it's hard because I have no control over this.  I want so badly to have nice, high, serial beta's, to see my baby's heartbeat on ultrasound, to be throwing up constantly (seriously, I will not complain about morning sickness as long as I have a healthy rainbow baby in there!!), to make it out of the first trimester and be able to tell people that I'm pregnant, to see and feel my stomach swelling as the baby grows bigger day by day, week by week, to wear maternity clothes (because it will mean that my baby's growing in there), to make it to the anatomy scan, to make it to the 3rd trimester, to decorate our nursery, to attend a baby shower for me, to feel labor pains, to deliver my rainbow baby, to see my husband's face when our baby is born, to bring home my baby finally, to miss sleep in order to feed and care for my newborn, to be a mom to a living, breathing baby.  Those are my prayers and dreams.  Sometimes it seems like I'm so close to realizing them and other times it feels like there's no end in sight, just a long tunnel. 
Well, once again my heart feel a little lighter after getting all of that out.  My goals for the rest of the night, the rest of the week, the rest of the month, etc are to be more mindful, more relaxed, and more positive.  Thanks for reading!!

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