Sunday, May 22, 2011

Weekend Ramblings...

Chemicals suck. 

They really do.  Maybe because this one caught me by surprise, but the past 2 days have been really hard.  Looking back at my post where I listed why this was or wasn't my cycle for a BFP, it's funny because actually that's what happened...this was and it wasn't my cycle since I ended up getting a BFP, but it was over basically before it began.  Now, I'm still waiting on AF and for the first time this year, I hope she comes soon since I already know that there's no bean cooking right now.  That's why it was nice waiting for AF without testing because then I had hope up until AF started and then after she started at least it was already CD1 and I could start hoping for the next cycle. 

I know I'm kinda rambling, but I just wanted to get this out so that I'll start to feel better.  My blog really is becoming my therapy. So, here's the run down of my sad weekend.  I'm kinda venting and this post might be pretty long.   

Since I was stuck at work until 7am on Saturday, I didn't get a chance to see CJ (and be comforted by him until then) so I struggled all night after getting my beta back to hold back my tears ( I really hate crying at work.)  As I was driving home, I lost it and crawled into bed sobbing.  I was just so sad that we had lost another baby, another chance for hope.  My poor husband to wake up to a crying wife, but he was great and helped me to feel a little bit better so I could get a little sleep. 

After a brief nap, we headed on a 3 hour road trip to pick up our 8 week old puppy.  His name is Ender (from Ender's Game by Orsen Scott Card).  He's an adorable, tricolor, Cavapoo and we are in love.  It was a tough day introducing Ender to us and his new home, but he did great.  Then, as we sat outside waiting for him to do his business I realized that Ender's birthday, March 17th was right around when I would have had my angel baby.  So our puppy is exactly as old as our baby would have been.  It's nice in a way because now we do have a new member of our family, but I'll be honest when I say that I would trade my puppy in a heartbeat for a baby.

On Sunday morning, I tried to talk to my twin sister.  I realized that I missed her and I was sad that we hadn't spoken in a week, but I knew it would be hard.  It was.  She just sounds so happy on the phone and I'm so not happy that it's such a striking difference.  We chatted for awhile and I tried to talk to her about why it was so hard for me talk to her now that she's pregnant again.  She doesn't really get it though and I don't blame her.  She's never been through a loss.  Every time she's seen a +HPT it has led to a baby.  I've seen 2 +HPT now and I have nothing by heartbreak to show for it.  I'm worried that this will affect our friendship (and I know that it will), but I really don't want to lose her.  She's my best friend.  So, I tried asking her about her pregnancy.  Turns out she's 8 weeks.  She saw the baby at 6 weeks with a flickering heartbeat on ultrasound.  Her next appointment is at the 11 week mark.  She's due right before Christmas.  She's feeling morning sickness and really picky with food.  Then I just had to tell her that that was enough for one day.  I don't know if the conversation helped at all.  I just started crying afterwards again.  I told you it was a sad weekend. 

Now, I'm back at work for another night shift.  I miss CJ, but he's at home taking care of the puppy and they're having a blast.  Plus, work is pretty slow right now, so I have some time to catch up on my blogging and read all the wonderful comments from all of you from ICLW.  It made me feel a lot better reading every one's comments on my Seriously post.  Thank you for reading, for your support, and for your encouragement.  This is my first time taking part and I'm a big fan.  It will give me something to look forward to every month and help me to meet more people who actually really do understand. 

I really do feel better now.  Thanks for reading.  I'm gonna try to get some reading and commenting done on a few other blogs before I get paged to do any work. 


  1. stopping for ICLW
    I am so sorry to hear about what's you're going through. Hang in there - | think most of us are here in the blogosphere for pure therapy. Expressing our emotions freely, with no filters (as this is all so anonymous) - really helps in getting some thoughts out of your mind - or at least ease their nagging.
    *virtual hug*

  2. Here from ICLW.

    I understand a lot of what you're saying. In the past year and a half, we had a chemical and two ectopics while many of my friends and family were pregnant. It was so hard to be around them because they simply couldn't understand the pain and loss that I knew only so well. And it was so hard to watch what seemed to come so easily to them.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you find some sense of closure here soon. Sometimes, the unknown is the hardest part.

  3. Hello from ICLWland. I'm so very sorry to hear about your losses. I wish you the very best of luck moving forward.

    On an unrelated note, I absolutely love your puppy's name! I am an Ender fan!

  4. Hi from ICLW. Sorry to hear about your chemcial pregnancy. It sucks. There is no other way of saying it. Sending you well wishesfor better results in the future!

  5. Also here from ICLW.
    I am so sorry for everything going on right now. Chemical pregnancies suck. I had one at the beginning of the month, it was the most heartbreaking experience I've ever been through. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it is to have your twin sister be pregnant right now. :( Sending you lots of hugs.
    I hope that lots of good and healing things are headed your way. Take care!

  6. Hello...I absolutley love your blog and I've just awarded you a Versatile Blogger Award :) Follow the link below and spread the love to other blogs you love :)

  7. Hi from ICLW! So sorry to hear about your loss. Sending lots of hugs!

  8. Hi, I'm here for ICLW. I'm sorry for your losses. My sister got pregnant in between my second and third losses and it was incredibly hard for me, so I kind of get how you're feeling. Good luck hitting the jackpot on your next cycle! -ICLW #88