Today is CD 2. I was pretty upset yesterday. I really thought that this was our month...that we were going to get lucky on a break month after my HSG. Oh well. That marks 6 cycles of trying, 8 total cycles, and 10 months since my miscarriage. I really never thought that it would take this long to get pregnant again. I feel like I have been able to work past and through my grief from my miscarriage, but I just don't think I'll be complete and whole again until I get pregnant and have a baby. Let me tell you, I cannot wait until that time!! I still feel like its coming soon and the positive from last cycle was that I ovulated on my own.
This month, its a whole new ballgame. I'll be on clomid again, but this time CD 3-7 (so I start tomorrow!!) Then, its in for a CD 12 ultrasound which I have to pay for out of pocket (not fun at all) and then we'll see! I'm not really that hopeful this month, but I'm excited for the extra monitoring and who knows maybe I'll even get a trigger shot out of it and ovulate at a normal time instead of CD 19-22ish.
Cycle 7 here we come!!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
My awesome weekend in bullet points.
1. Left hospital at 10am on Friday morning and off for the entire weekend!!
2. Played with puppy all day until CJ got home from work and then we packed up and headed up to Pittsburgh!!
3. Stayed with one of my best friends from home.
4. Slept in until 10am (I really needed to catch up on sleep after my call). Then, Farmers Market on Saturday morning (where my friend works) where we had delicious chocolate milk, homemade perogies, and samples of goat cheese!!
5. Hanging out in the Strip District on Saturday afternoon.
6. Dinner in Shadyside at this really nice awesome asian restaurant where my best friend knew everyone. We had great appetizers, entrees, and desserts at a huge discount! Plus, another good friend from home met us for dinner. It was great to see him again and catch up. After dinner, we hit the street for a concert literally in the street before crashing back at my best friend's place. Such a fun day!
7. Slept in Sunday until 9am and then it was out the door for breakfast at Bruegers Bagels (I love Pittsburgh!).
8. Next, we tailgated at the Red Sox-Pirates baseball game and had a gourmet grilled lunch and played ladder ball. Plus, another one of our friend's from home (who we haven't seen in 3 years) met us for the game!
9. Into PNC Park for the Red Sox game and we won!! Plus, the weather was great (I did get a little sunburned though), I had some delicious dippin dots, and we had great seats!! So much fun!!
10. Back on the road and a return home and to our puppy!
It was just so nice being with friends from home (I am using the term home loosely here, but I did grow up with these friends at a summer camp and while I was growing up, I always considered camp my home.) I just feel so refreshed and relaxed and yes, actually happy. I'm worried that these good feelings will crash down once AF arrives this week and her arrival is close, but for now the weekend is exactly what I needed to recharge.
Also, I had a chance to talk to my twin sister on Friday for a long time and I think we cleared up some of our misunderstanding and worked out our communication difficulties. While the situation is not fixed, I feel much better about it and I feel like I can actually talk to her now. Plus, after my weekend in Pittsburgh, I'm still feeling so good, so I'm trying to extend that good feeling by reaching out to my sister. We talked again on the trip home yesterday and it was a pretty good conversation with less awkwardness. It's definitely an improvement!!
Now, I'm back on call in the PICU for one more night. I hope you all had a great weekend too!!
2. Played with puppy all day until CJ got home from work and then we packed up and headed up to Pittsburgh!!
3. Stayed with one of my best friends from home.
4. Slept in until 10am (I really needed to catch up on sleep after my call). Then, Farmers Market on Saturday morning (where my friend works) where we had delicious chocolate milk, homemade perogies, and samples of goat cheese!!
5. Hanging out in the Strip District on Saturday afternoon.
6. Dinner in Shadyside at this really nice awesome asian restaurant where my best friend knew everyone. We had great appetizers, entrees, and desserts at a huge discount! Plus, another good friend from home met us for dinner. It was great to see him again and catch up. After dinner, we hit the street for a concert literally in the street before crashing back at my best friend's place. Such a fun day!
7. Slept in Sunday until 9am and then it was out the door for breakfast at Bruegers Bagels (I love Pittsburgh!).
8. Next, we tailgated at the Red Sox-Pirates baseball game and had a gourmet grilled lunch and played ladder ball. Plus, another one of our friend's from home (who we haven't seen in 3 years) met us for the game!
9. Into PNC Park for the Red Sox game and we won!! Plus, the weather was great (I did get a little sunburned though), I had some delicious dippin dots, and we had great seats!! So much fun!!
10. Back on the road and a return home and to our puppy!
It was just so nice being with friends from home (I am using the term home loosely here, but I did grow up with these friends at a summer camp and while I was growing up, I always considered camp my home.) I just feel so refreshed and relaxed and yes, actually happy. I'm worried that these good feelings will crash down once AF arrives this week and her arrival is close, but for now the weekend is exactly what I needed to recharge.
Also, I had a chance to talk to my twin sister on Friday for a long time and I think we cleared up some of our misunderstanding and worked out our communication difficulties. While the situation is not fixed, I feel much better about it and I feel like I can actually talk to her now. Plus, after my weekend in Pittsburgh, I'm still feeling so good, so I'm trying to extend that good feeling by reaching out to my sister. We talked again on the trip home yesterday and it was a pretty good conversation with less awkwardness. It's definitely an improvement!!
Now, I'm back on call in the PICU for one more night. I hope you all had a great weekend too!!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
My Twin Sister
I've mentioned my twin sister in previous posts, but I thought that I would do a more detailed post about her. It's sort of a vent, sort of just to get it off my chest, sort of to get some support. So, here goes.
My twin sister, let's call her Lil (as in little sister, since I'm the older twin), and I have been best friends for our entire lives with a small hiatus while we were in college and she was getting engaged without telling me. I supported her through a year of ttc when she was trying for her first baby and another year ttc when she was trying for her second baby. When I got my positive HPT, she was the first person I called and after we saw the ultrasound the revealed no heartbeat for my baby, she was the first person I called. When I had to have a second d&c, she flew up to see me because she said that I just sounded broken over the phone and she needed to be here for me. All year, she has been the person I called when I had a good day or a bad day, especially the bad days and most of the time I ended up sobbing over the phone to her. She was an amazing friend and sister this year.
She had her second baby last May. She stopped breastfeeding when he was 6 months old, so in November-December-ish. She told me that they weren't trying for another one right away because she was going to be starting grad school and her husband didn't have a job yet, and they wanted to save up some money and space out their kids a little bit. I remember very clearly the day in February when my sister called to tell me that she had her first PPAF and how she was disappointed that she wasn't pregnant, but she wasn't really trying, she assured me. Then all of March, I was consumed with my own ttc concerns and not pregnant once again, so I didn't stop to think about her cycle. Then, over the 2nd week in April, I realized that she had never told me that she got AF again. So, I called her, terrified, and asked her if she was pregnant. She tole me No, there was no way. I kind of believed her, but I guess I had a suspicion. Let's call it a twin thing. The following week, on a Wednesday night, she called me 4 times in a row before I checked my phone and I knew. When I called her back, we had a semi-normal conversation until she said, well, I wasn't feeling well last night and I threw up and then I thought about what you said, so I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive. My world crashed down. I burst into tears, hung up the phone, and started yelling for CJ. He came running down the stairs and after he realized who I had been talking to, he knew. He just sat me down and held me while I sobbed and hyperventilated and sobbed some more. I'm not really sure how I made it through the next day, but I do know that I had to leave work early because I started crying. The day after that, on Friday, after having horrible conversations with Lil and my mom, I decided screw them, I'm just going to be happy despite everything. From that day on, I worked incredibly hard to be happy and mindful.
It's just a hard situation because we're twins and it's hard not to compare. So, when I think about which twin should be pregnant now, I obviously think that it should be me. Don't I deserve it after my loss and after all I've been through? If one of us had to be pregnant now, why couldn't it be me? The sad thing is that she and my parents and my other siblings just don't get why this is so hard for me. I have tried to explain it to them, but every time I just end up in tears and they just don't get it. If anyone has any ideas for how to better explain where I'm coming from to my parents, please let me know. I'm open to any suggestions. I also don't really know the best way to handle my twin sister. We used to talk on the phone multiple times a day. Now, I call her once a day because I miss her and I don't want to totally cut off communication with her, but it's so hard to get through a conversation. I even managed to ask about her doctor's appointments and ultrasounds. I can't believe she is already 13 weeks and that she's due just before Christmas. Her husband made the comment that this was the worst possible time for Lil to get pregnant because they're moving to another state, Lil's starting grad school, and he doesn't have a job yet and they have 2 other kids under the age of 3. Seriously, why can't it be me that is 13 weeks pregnant and due around Christmas. What I wouldn't give to be living that dream!!
Most of the reason why I have made it through the past 2 months is because I have an amazing husband. Lil's husband still plays video games and doesn't help clean up around the house and doesn't help take care of the kids all the time, and is constantly causing Lil frustration. I, on the other hand, have a wonderful husband who is so very supportive and knows me so well. I also have more financial security, or at least I will once I pay off my loans. Also, with my losses and struggle ttc, I will never take my pregnancy or future babies for granted. It's kinda funny because Lil and I always talked about being pregnant at the same time and now we finally have the perfect setup for it. All I need to do is fulfill my end of the bargain and get knocked up.
Don't worry, I'm trying as hard as I can.
My twin sister, let's call her Lil (as in little sister, since I'm the older twin), and I have been best friends for our entire lives with a small hiatus while we were in college and she was getting engaged without telling me. I supported her through a year of ttc when she was trying for her first baby and another year ttc when she was trying for her second baby. When I got my positive HPT, she was the first person I called and after we saw the ultrasound the revealed no heartbeat for my baby, she was the first person I called. When I had to have a second d&c, she flew up to see me because she said that I just sounded broken over the phone and she needed to be here for me. All year, she has been the person I called when I had a good day or a bad day, especially the bad days and most of the time I ended up sobbing over the phone to her. She was an amazing friend and sister this year.
She had her second baby last May. She stopped breastfeeding when he was 6 months old, so in November-December-ish. She told me that they weren't trying for another one right away because she was going to be starting grad school and her husband didn't have a job yet, and they wanted to save up some money and space out their kids a little bit. I remember very clearly the day in February when my sister called to tell me that she had her first PPAF and how she was disappointed that she wasn't pregnant, but she wasn't really trying, she assured me. Then all of March, I was consumed with my own ttc concerns and not pregnant once again, so I didn't stop to think about her cycle. Then, over the 2nd week in April, I realized that she had never told me that she got AF again. So, I called her, terrified, and asked her if she was pregnant. She tole me No, there was no way. I kind of believed her, but I guess I had a suspicion. Let's call it a twin thing. The following week, on a Wednesday night, she called me 4 times in a row before I checked my phone and I knew. When I called her back, we had a semi-normal conversation until she said, well, I wasn't feeling well last night and I threw up and then I thought about what you said, so I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive. My world crashed down. I burst into tears, hung up the phone, and started yelling for CJ. He came running down the stairs and after he realized who I had been talking to, he knew. He just sat me down and held me while I sobbed and hyperventilated and sobbed some more. I'm not really sure how I made it through the next day, but I do know that I had to leave work early because I started crying. The day after that, on Friday, after having horrible conversations with Lil and my mom, I decided screw them, I'm just going to be happy despite everything. From that day on, I worked incredibly hard to be happy and mindful.
It's just a hard situation because we're twins and it's hard not to compare. So, when I think about which twin should be pregnant now, I obviously think that it should be me. Don't I deserve it after my loss and after all I've been through? If one of us had to be pregnant now, why couldn't it be me? The sad thing is that she and my parents and my other siblings just don't get why this is so hard for me. I have tried to explain it to them, but every time I just end up in tears and they just don't get it. If anyone has any ideas for how to better explain where I'm coming from to my parents, please let me know. I'm open to any suggestions. I also don't really know the best way to handle my twin sister. We used to talk on the phone multiple times a day. Now, I call her once a day because I miss her and I don't want to totally cut off communication with her, but it's so hard to get through a conversation. I even managed to ask about her doctor's appointments and ultrasounds. I can't believe she is already 13 weeks and that she's due just before Christmas. Her husband made the comment that this was the worst possible time for Lil to get pregnant because they're moving to another state, Lil's starting grad school, and he doesn't have a job yet and they have 2 other kids under the age of 3. Seriously, why can't it be me that is 13 weeks pregnant and due around Christmas. What I wouldn't give to be living that dream!!
Most of the reason why I have made it through the past 2 months is because I have an amazing husband. Lil's husband still plays video games and doesn't help clean up around the house and doesn't help take care of the kids all the time, and is constantly causing Lil frustration. I, on the other hand, have a wonderful husband who is so very supportive and knows me so well. I also have more financial security, or at least I will once I pay off my loans. Also, with my losses and struggle ttc, I will never take my pregnancy or future babies for granted. It's kinda funny because Lil and I always talked about being pregnant at the same time and now we finally have the perfect setup for it. All I need to do is fulfill my end of the bargain and get knocked up.
Don't worry, I'm trying as hard as I can.
Blah...
10 dpo today, which on one hand is awesome because I'm almost through the 2WW.
On the other hand, it's awful because I got a BFN this morning. I know what you're all thinking. "Why am I testing early after my chemical last month?" I'm not exactly sure, but I just had this overwhelming desire to know whether or not I am pregnant. I spent 15 minutes in bed prior to POAS praying for 2 lines on my test this morning. I'm sure God has a wonderful plan and his plan is best, but I really hope that this is the month that our plans agree. I have wanted to be pregnant again since the day I lost my first baby and it was been hard surviving these past almost 10 months without the realization of my hopes and dreams. I just can't understand why it hasn't happened for me yet. When is it my turn? I'm trying to relax because I'm sure that has something to do with it, but after having a miscarriage relaxing and not thinking about it are 2 things that are very hard to accomplish.
So, yea, I'm still feeling down and now I'm feeling like I'm out. I guess I'll just wait on AF to make her appearance next Monday or Tuesday. Sorry for the downer post this morning. It's nice to be able to vent about it. All I can do is try to make the most out of this day. We'll see how it goes. Please send some prayers my way.
On the other hand, it's awful because I got a BFN this morning. I know what you're all thinking. "Why am I testing early after my chemical last month?" I'm not exactly sure, but I just had this overwhelming desire to know whether or not I am pregnant. I spent 15 minutes in bed prior to POAS praying for 2 lines on my test this morning. I'm sure God has a wonderful plan and his plan is best, but I really hope that this is the month that our plans agree. I have wanted to be pregnant again since the day I lost my first baby and it was been hard surviving these past almost 10 months without the realization of my hopes and dreams. I just can't understand why it hasn't happened for me yet. When is it my turn? I'm trying to relax because I'm sure that has something to do with it, but after having a miscarriage relaxing and not thinking about it are 2 things that are very hard to accomplish.
So, yea, I'm still feeling down and now I'm feeling like I'm out. I guess I'll just wait on AF to make her appearance next Monday or Tuesday. Sorry for the downer post this morning. It's nice to be able to vent about it. All I can do is try to make the most out of this day. We'll see how it goes. Please send some prayers my way.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Sick and feeling down
A quick hello to everyone stopping in from ICLW. I'm gonna try to keep up with blogging and posting this week, but I've come down with a cold that has pretty much kept me on the couch or in bed whenever I'm not at work. I haven't been sick in a long time and I forgot how tough it is to get things done besides make it to work. I'm off to bed soon and hopefully, I'll be feeling better in the morning.
Just a quick cycle update, I'm 8dpo today. Wow, I can't believe that I'm already into the second week of my 2WW. Shh, don't tell CJ, but I decided to start testing early again at 6dpo and 8dpo and there was nothing there...just start white and one lonely line. I still feel like I could be pregnant this month, but I'm kinda losing hope at the same time. I think being sick has made it harder to stay positive.
Also, I had a conversation with my little 19 year old sister today in which she basically said that I was being selfish by not talking to my twin sister a lot since I found out that she's pregnant (oh yeah and she's 13 weeks pregnant already...I'm so jealous...and of course I can't talk to her a lot right now.) and that it's been almost a year since my miscarriage and I should be over it by now and everyone just wants to see me happy and maybe I'm not trying hard enough to be happy again and that even if I do get pregnant that won't fix everything that's wrong. That's basically the gist of our discussion today. As for me, I cried, told her I didn't agree and that she didn't understand at all, and waited for her to leave. It was painful. I know I'm rambling a little bit, but it was just so painful. I'm feeling better after spending some time with CJ and my puppy, but I can still hear her words echoing in my head. And I just want to clarify one thing...getting pregnant again and having my rainbow baby will without a doubt fix what's wrong with me. I don't doubt that for a second. I have put the rest of my life back together since my miscarriage and I'm doing pretty well with everything else right now, but I was broken last August 27th and I will be fixed when I finally succeed in making my rainbow and making my dreams come true.
Okay, now I'm off to sleep. If anyone has any extra baby dust, could you send it my way?!?
Just a quick cycle update, I'm 8dpo today. Wow, I can't believe that I'm already into the second week of my 2WW. Shh, don't tell CJ, but I decided to start testing early again at 6dpo and 8dpo and there was nothing there...just start white and one lonely line. I still feel like I could be pregnant this month, but I'm kinda losing hope at the same time. I think being sick has made it harder to stay positive.
Also, I had a conversation with my little 19 year old sister today in which she basically said that I was being selfish by not talking to my twin sister a lot since I found out that she's pregnant (oh yeah and she's 13 weeks pregnant already...I'm so jealous...and of course I can't talk to her a lot right now.) and that it's been almost a year since my miscarriage and I should be over it by now and everyone just wants to see me happy and maybe I'm not trying hard enough to be happy again and that even if I do get pregnant that won't fix everything that's wrong. That's basically the gist of our discussion today. As for me, I cried, told her I didn't agree and that she didn't understand at all, and waited for her to leave. It was painful. I know I'm rambling a little bit, but it was just so painful. I'm feeling better after spending some time with CJ and my puppy, but I can still hear her words echoing in my head. And I just want to clarify one thing...getting pregnant again and having my rainbow baby will without a doubt fix what's wrong with me. I don't doubt that for a second. I have put the rest of my life back together since my miscarriage and I'm doing pretty well with everything else right now, but I was broken last August 27th and I will be fixed when I finally succeed in making my rainbow and making my dreams come true.
Okay, now I'm off to sleep. If anyone has any extra baby dust, could you send it my way?!?
Monday, June 20, 2011
Predicting the Future
Maybe the hardest thing about the 2WW is knowing that you either are or you're not and there's nothing you can do but wait for 14 days. In my quest to find some hope and help me to relax this time around, I consulted some experts aka online horoscopes and an online magic eight ball.
I was a little biased because I did a search for Aquarius horoscope, 2011, pregnancy. There were a few hits, but this is by far my favorite (and obviously the most true...lol!!)
The new moon, June 1, will boost both areas (creativity / matters related to children) If you are dating someone special, the solar eclipse of June 1 will bring a flow of tender emotions to the surface. (During this time, I was working really hard to be more romantic with CJ and less stressed about TTC) If you are single and not dating, you have an excellent chance of meeting your one true love in the weeks to come.
If you are already attached, a baby may well be part of the picture in the weeks or months ahead. You have some of the best planetary support possible for pregnancy, birth, and your relationship to your children. (By far my favorite part of the reading!! Let's face it I need all the support I can get!!) If you already have children and are worried about their welfare, you, too, will be in luck.
I also liked this reading a lot.
Although your sign can be pretty nomadic, you’re suddenly interested in settling down these days. That’s because on June 4th, lucky Jupiter pays a twelve-month visit to Taurus, your fourth house of home, family, and roots. Pregnancy and children are on the radar for the next year. We expect to see a slew of Aquarius celebrities on the “baby bump” list. If you’re trying to get pregnant or thinking of expanding your family, this would be a great time, as the fourth house rules motherhood. (YEA!!)
I also consulted the online magic 8 ball because I saw some other people post about it. Wow, it is so addicting and it's awesome because you can just keep asking different questions until you get the answer you want! Needless to say, it told me YES for my question about whether I would get pregnant this month and if I would have a baby in March or February.
I hope you all had a great weekend!!
I was a little biased because I did a search for Aquarius horoscope, 2011, pregnancy. There were a few hits, but this is by far my favorite (and obviously the most true...lol!!)
The new moon, June 1, will boost both areas (creativity / matters related to children) If you are dating someone special, the solar eclipse of June 1 will bring a flow of tender emotions to the surface. (During this time, I was working really hard to be more romantic with CJ and less stressed about TTC) If you are single and not dating, you have an excellent chance of meeting your one true love in the weeks to come.
If you are already attached, a baby may well be part of the picture in the weeks or months ahead. You have some of the best planetary support possible for pregnancy, birth, and your relationship to your children. (By far my favorite part of the reading!! Let's face it I need all the support I can get!!) If you already have children and are worried about their welfare, you, too, will be in luck.
I also liked this reading a lot.
Although your sign can be pretty nomadic, you’re suddenly interested in settling down these days. That’s because on June 4th, lucky Jupiter pays a twelve-month visit to Taurus, your fourth house of home, family, and roots. Pregnancy and children are on the radar for the next year. We expect to see a slew of Aquarius celebrities on the “baby bump” list. If you’re trying to get pregnant or thinking of expanding your family, this would be a great time, as the fourth house rules motherhood. (YEA!!)
I also consulted the online magic 8 ball because I saw some other people post about it. Wow, it is so addicting and it's awesome because you can just keep asking different questions until you get the answer you want! Needless to say, it told me YES for my question about whether I would get pregnant this month and if I would have a baby in March or February.
I hope you all had a great weekend!!
Friday, June 17, 2011
Versatile Blogger Award
I received The Versatile Blogger Award awhile ago from ♥ C at "Ready for my Baby Bump." I'm so excited to win this award, but after dealing with my chemical pregnancy last month, it took me alittle while to get back to it. I'm very new to blogging and IF/Loss world, so this was a great way to get started and help keep me motivated.
Thank you so much ♥ C and I'm so for the delay. Congratulations on your BFP!! I'm so excited for you and I wish you a very happy and healthy 9 months!!
As part of this award thing... you need to :
1. Link back to the person who gave you the award: See above.
2. Tell 7 things about yourself....
- I met my husband when I was 13 years old at a summer camp. We then worked together as teenagers, hiked part of the Appalachian Trail together as friends, and started dating one magical summer when we both worked as directors at the same summer camp, and the rest is history.
- I'm a doctor and I'm currently finishing my second year in residency. Only 2 more years left. I'm really lucky that I really love what I do at work, so despite the long hours, it's totally worth it.
- I am a marathon runner. I have run 6 marathons at a decent 4:15-4:30 pace. I haven't run any recently because of this whole TTC business, but I'm really looking forward to getting back into with a jogging stroller and my baby inside.
- I love science fiction and fantasy novels. Some of my favorites include The Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan, The Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind, Ender's game and the Ender and Shadow series by Orsen Scott Card, Harry Potter, The Hunger Games series, Twilight, The Iron Fey series, The Interview with a Vampire series by Ann Rice and more!!
- My favorite thing to eat right now is frozen yogurt with gooey brownie topping or heath or Butterfingers topping. Last week, I went out for ice cream twice and it was awesome!!
- I was an athlete growing up and played basketball and volleyball. I even played bball in college for a year before I got cut from the team. It was actually the best thing that could have happened because it helped me get into medical school and I started sailing. I sailed for 3 years in college and loved every minute of it even when it was freezing cold and we were just trying to keep our boat upright in the East River. (I went to college in NYC.)
- I love to watch tv. I'm a pretty active person most of the time, but I really like curling up on the couch with CJ and watching tv in the evenings. My favorite shows are Survivor, Top Chef, Castle, How I Met Your Mother (which will be harder to watch now that Lilly is pregnant), Modern Family, The Office, and Parks and Recreation.
3. Award other bloggers... For the Versatile Blogger Award it's to 10 - 15 'recently discovered bloggers' and for the Stylish Blogger Award it's 10 - 15 blogs that 'you feel deserve this award'....
It has been wonderful to read these blogs and follow the author's stories! Their words have been inspiration and it's nice to follow along with people at all different stages of this bringing home a baby journey.
Congrats!!
It has been wonderful to read these blogs and follow the author's stories! Their words have been inspiration and it's nice to follow along with people at all different stages of this bringing home a baby journey.
Congrats!!
1. Advo.cat at Advo.cat
2. Woman at http://createdfamily.com/
3. Sarah at Baby Talk
4. Lauren at Not Just an Army Wife
5. Karen at (Impatiently) Waiting
6. Jen at The Chronicles of Violetta Margarita
7. Lindsey at Waiting for that positive
8. Rebecca at Trying not to scream
9. Tillie at A Nuttier Life
10. Diana at Bunless in the Oven
4. Lauren at Not Just an Army Wife
5. Karen at (Impatiently) Waiting
6. Jen at The Chronicles of Violetta Margarita
7. Lindsey at Waiting for that positive
8. Rebecca at Trying not to scream
9. Tillie at A Nuttier Life
10. Diana at Bunless in the Oven
4. Contact the recently awarded bloggers to let them know that they've won: I'm working on that now!! Good thing I have some time while I'm on call to work on this. It helps the time to go by faster on my 30 hour call. Then, you'll keep spreading the love to other blogs you love... just cover the 4 points above :)
It's Official!!
Well, my temp continued to rise and so have my spirits. I know, very corny, but true. Fertility Friend confirmed it this morning. I'm officially 4 dpo. I also woke up today feeling like I got hit by a bus. I have a sore throat, muscle aches, chills, no fever, and nausea. Is it bad to be sick during the 2WW? Has this happened to anyone else? I guess there's nothing I can do about it anyways, so I'm going to try to be optimistic about this cycle now that I finally ovulated. My 2WW will end just as I hit the 10 month mark from my miscarriage. I'm not quite sure how to approach this cycle, so once again I'll make a list. This time I'll just stick with why this is the cycle that I get my BFP with a sticky rainbow baby that I bring home 9 months from now.
1. If I get pregnant this cycle, than I will be at the end of the 1st trimester when the 1 year anniversary of my first miscarriage rolls around at the end of August.
2. 2 baby psychics predicted that I would get pregnant this cycle. Chelsea said find out/conceive May or June 2011 and Ruby said give birth February or March 2012. These are 2 of the psychics that people seem to really like so I'm hoping their predictions are correct for me.
3. I had my HSG this cycle which hopefully opened everything up and made conception a little easier this month.
4. I'm on a break from Clomid so hopefully my cervical fluid was better and my lining more conducive to a good implantation.
5. My sister and I will be due only 2 months apart and we'll get to be pregnant together for 7 months!!
6. We finally got our puppy and it would be awesome to bring home our baby 9 months after getting our first puppy.
7. I tried to treat this cycle like a break!!
8. I ovulated on my own...that has to be good for something.
9. This is the same time of year that I got pregnant last year!!
10. Lots and lots of prayer!!
That's a pretty good looking list and I'm glad I'm sticking with just the positives for now. Well, I'm on call again in the PICU, so if I get a chance I'll try to post again later!! Happy weekend to everyone who's work day is winding down and has the weekend off. As for me, I can't wait until 10am tomorrow!!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
22 may really be my lucky number...
After my breakdown on Friday night, I rallied to complete a 30hr shift at work on Saturday and Sunday. Then, I got to spend most of the day sleeping which was nice. I decided to take my last digital OPK Sunday afternoon when I woke up. Needless to say another blank circle stared up at me. Fast forward to Monday afternoon. After spending the morning try to figure out when I would call my RE and tell him I hadn't ovulated and ask him for a script for Provera. I went to do some grocery shopping (since we had no food in our house) and I made an impulsive decision to stop at CVS and pick up some OPKs. I was not about to spend $40 on the digital tests, but I did shell out $20 for the cheap CVS mid-stream tests. I got home and made dinner for CJ and I, watched some tv, and help my urine until 8pm. Then, it was test time.
Let me just say that this is the darkest line I have ever seen on this kind of OPK. In person, half the line is as dark as the control line so I'm gonna go ahead and call this positive. I took another test this morning, which was a little lighter, so I think I may have just missed the peak of my surge. My temp was up this morning, so I guess we'll see if it was a true positive in a couple of days if my temp stays up. Fingers crossed!! CJ and I will just keep going with our schedule until my temps stay nice and high. All I can say is better late than never and CD 22 really isn't that far off, but it's just hard being so patient and not knowing whether or not you're even gonna have a chance to be pregnant this month.
So, here's to CVS OPK's, CD 22, and taking a break...lol!!
Let me just say that this is the darkest line I have ever seen on this kind of OPK. In person, half the line is as dark as the control line so I'm gonna go ahead and call this positive. I took another test this morning, which was a little lighter, so I think I may have just missed the peak of my surge. My temp was up this morning, so I guess we'll see if it was a true positive in a couple of days if my temp stays up. Fingers crossed!! CJ and I will just keep going with our schedule until my temps stay nice and high. All I can say is better late than never and CD 22 really isn't that far off, but it's just hard being so patient and not knowing whether or not you're even gonna have a chance to be pregnant this month.
So, here's to CVS OPK's, CD 22, and taking a break...lol!!
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Breakdown
Breakdown
I guess it was inevitable. In my quest for a nice, relaxed, break cycle and trying to keep my thoughts and feelings more bottled up, I should have known that I wouldn't be able to keep it all together for a month. So, here's what happened. Yesterday, CD 19 started out like any other day. I woke up, used my 2nd to last OPK, saw that it was negative, hurried to let the new puppy out, went to work. It all started with that blank open circle on the OPK though. CD 19 is when I always got my +OPK when I was on Clomid and I think I was really just hoping that my body would remember what it used to do and keep on the same cycle. No such luck.
Then, I spent a day at work at midst pregnant nurses and babies feeling sorry for myself. I have also been pretty unhappy about the way I look, so I decided that I needed to work out before heading out for a reception and dinner event with my department at work to celebrate the graduating senior residents. I had been looking forward to this for awhile, but then just yesterday I started to feel a little nervous because I hadn't hung out with any of my friends from work in a little while and I'm not as good in social situations since my miscarriage. Also, one of the residents in my department was my closest friend at work last year and we both got pregnant at the same time last summer. I was one week behind her. Now, I'm over a year behind her and she has a beautiful 3 month old son and I can barely look at her, let alone talk to her. She was going to be at the party, so that was making me a little nervous too.
CJ and I got to the party fashionably late and started hanging out with our friends. Then, it was time to sit down for dinner and who should sit next to us, but my former friend and her husband, right next to CJ. A couple of my other friends made up the rest of the table, but it was still awkward for me and a little sad. She was very friendly and asked us all kinds of questions about our puppy, etc, but it was definitely a one-sided because I really just don't think that I'm ready to ask her about her baby and hear about him. It's just too painful because we really aren't friends anymore (which is sad) and I want what she has and what I lost. The worst part is that as soon as the evening was over I regretted my behaviour. I don't know how I could have acted any differently, but I wish I could have been my happy carefree nicer former self. (And sometimes I'm not quite sure how I can get back to being that person, instead of this sadder version.) Of course, the dinner sent me spirally down into feeling sorry for myself and sobbing on the way home and in bed once we got home. CJ finally called me out and he was right. I was just feeling sorry for myself. I know that life's not fair and that there are a lot of worse things out there than what I am going through, but it's hard to be strong and positive and optimistic all the time. It felt good to cry it out though. I mean sob it out to the point where my eyes were puffy and my head hurt when I woke up this morning.
Of course, I pulled myself together in time for us to BD before I passed out for the night.
This morning dawned hot and humid and before I knew it I was at work, exhausted, for my 30 hour ICU shift. I didn't take my last OPK this morning because I knew that I couldn't face another blank circle. I'm gonna test tomorrow when I get home from my shift and give it one last chance to show me the smiley face!! I'm not that optimistic, but I can hope. I also woke up feeling a little emotionally refreshed and ready to be happier, positive, more social. Maybe I should just schedule weekly cries to get it all out.
I hope you all are having a great weekend and not working!! Speaking of work, I better get back to it.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Still no Smiley Face...
Well, it's CD 19 today. This is when I always got my smiley face when I was on Clomid and today I awoke to a blank open face. I'm a little down, but I guess I still feel like I'm going to ovulate. I'm trying to stay hopeful. My temps are still low, my other fertile signs are good, and I've been having little twinges in my ovaries, so something must be going on in there right?!? I only have one more OPK which I will take tomorrow and then if it's not + just ride out the rest of the month temping and Bd'ing. It's just a little frustrating because my cycles were more predictable before my miscarriage and I never even worried about not ovulating. I guess it's just more waiting. I should be an expert in patience by now...lol.
Happy Friday!!
Happy Friday!!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Waiting and thinking...
CD 16 and just waiting to ovulate and having fun BD'ing. I really hope I ovulate this month without the Clomid on board. I actually think it is more stressful waiting to ovulate that waiting in the 2WW. If you don't ovulate, than your cycle is just really long and you don't even have a chance of being pregnant. If you do ovulate that at least you know that you could be pregnant or at least you will get AF in a timely manner. So, yea, I'm really hoping I ovulate.
Since I'm kinda taking a "break" this cycle, I'm trying to give CJ a break too which means that I'm not talking about my cycle, or seeing pregnant women at work, or my twin sister, or being sad, or anything having to do with our miscarriage or TTC (except the bare minimum since we're BD'ing every other day). I think it's helping him because he definitely seems more relaxed and BD'ing feels more real and is more fun this time around. It's hard for me though because the reality is I am still sad from time to time and it's hard seeing pregnant women at work and thinking about my pregnant twin sister is almost impossible and I so badly want to be pregnant, but I'm just sitting here wondering if I'm even going to ovulate this month. So, I'm going to use the blog to express my feelings on these matters so that I can continue to give CJ his much deserved break.
I'm on call today, so I might have some time to post later tonight. I think my next post will be about my thoughts on my pregnant twin sister. She is probably around 12 weeks now and I just cannot believe how different our relationship is ever since I found out that she was pregnant. More on this topic later, but for now I better get back to work.
Since I'm kinda taking a "break" this cycle, I'm trying to give CJ a break too which means that I'm not talking about my cycle, or seeing pregnant women at work, or my twin sister, or being sad, or anything having to do with our miscarriage or TTC (except the bare minimum since we're BD'ing every other day). I think it's helping him because he definitely seems more relaxed and BD'ing feels more real and is more fun this time around. It's hard for me though because the reality is I am still sad from time to time and it's hard seeing pregnant women at work and thinking about my pregnant twin sister is almost impossible and I so badly want to be pregnant, but I'm just sitting here wondering if I'm even going to ovulate this month. So, I'm going to use the blog to express my feelings on these matters so that I can continue to give CJ his much deserved break.
I'm on call today, so I might have some time to post later tonight. I think my next post will be about my thoughts on my pregnant twin sister. She is probably around 12 weeks now and I just cannot believe how different our relationship is ever since I found out that she was pregnant. More on this topic later, but for now I better get back to work.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Catching up...
It has been awhile since my last post, but I can explain. I started a new rotation on Tuesday last week and I'm trying to get adjusted to my new schedule. I'm working up in the pediatrics ICU which is interesting and sad because of the sick kids...but even more difficult on another level because there are quite a few nurses up here who are very pregnant. So, everyday last week I just tried to be mindful and to breathe, but it was not easy.
In more exciting news, I had my HSG on Friday. The experience was not too bad actually and if it helps me get pregnant that I would gladly do it again. It's a little awkward since I work in the hospital, but the xray tech was great and immediately asked if I wanted any residents to come in for the test. I said no and she made sure that it was just the attending who came in to do the test. I took some ibuprofen prior to the test, so I only felt minor cramping during the test. Immediately afterwards, the doctor went over the scan with me and the good news is that both of my tubes are open and there is no septum or adhesions within my uterus. He said that the left took a little while to open up, so I'm hoping that the test really did help open up my tubes and will help me get pregnant. We'll see.
Today is CD15. We started BD'ing on CD13 the day after the HSG and we'll BD every other day until after I ovulate. I really just hope that I ovulate this month without the clomid. I guess I'll know this week, so I'll keep you posted. As far as other TTC methods, this cycle I'm just doing prenatal vitamins, baby aspirin, and elevating my hips after BD'ing, oh yeah and temping. I'm taking a break from the mucinex and preseed this month. We'll see what happens. I cannot wait until the day when I'm counting up days and week instead of cycle days. I cannot wait when going to the doctor means that I get to see my baby on ultrasound instead of another failed cycle. I cannot wait to see two beautiful and DARK pink lines instead of only one line or a very, very faint line (like my chemical last month). I have this feeling that it's going to happen soon and I'm praying that it does, but it's tough because there's no just no knowing. I guess I'll just have to keep taking it one day at a time.
In more exciting news, I had my HSG on Friday. The experience was not too bad actually and if it helps me get pregnant that I would gladly do it again. It's a little awkward since I work in the hospital, but the xray tech was great and immediately asked if I wanted any residents to come in for the test. I said no and she made sure that it was just the attending who came in to do the test. I took some ibuprofen prior to the test, so I only felt minor cramping during the test. Immediately afterwards, the doctor went over the scan with me and the good news is that both of my tubes are open and there is no septum or adhesions within my uterus. He said that the left took a little while to open up, so I'm hoping that the test really did help open up my tubes and will help me get pregnant. We'll see.
Today is CD15. We started BD'ing on CD13 the day after the HSG and we'll BD every other day until after I ovulate. I really just hope that I ovulate this month without the clomid. I guess I'll know this week, so I'll keep you posted. As far as other TTC methods, this cycle I'm just doing prenatal vitamins, baby aspirin, and elevating my hips after BD'ing, oh yeah and temping. I'm taking a break from the mucinex and preseed this month. We'll see what happens. I cannot wait until the day when I'm counting up days and week instead of cycle days. I cannot wait when going to the doctor means that I get to see my baby on ultrasound instead of another failed cycle. I cannot wait to see two beautiful and DARK pink lines instead of only one line or a very, very faint line (like my chemical last month). I have this feeling that it's going to happen soon and I'm praying that it does, but it's tough because there's no just no knowing. I guess I'll just have to keep taking it one day at a time.
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