Advice

I totally forgot to ask in an earlier post, but is there anything I should be doing now before I start IVF in a couple weeks?  Any advice that you guys have would be greatly appreciated!!  Any suggestions for how to approach the first cycle or how to pass the time before stims start or how to keep stress at a minimum??

So, far I have cut out alcohol and caffeine.  Is there anything else that I need to be doing?

Thanks for your help and advice!!

The End of December...

The good news is that I'm doing much better than I was on Tuesday and Wednesday.  I over my failed Christmas miracle and I am full-on excited for IVF.  Today will be day #3 of BCP and Cipro (which is wrecking havok with my GI tract.)  I even have a widget on my phone that is counting down until January 9th at 3:30pm when we go in for my baseline scan and blood work and if all goes well, then I will start stims on the 14th.  It's so soon and so far away, but we have a lot planned in the next 2 weeks so I'm sure that it will do quickly!!

I have realized a couple of things this week.  Despite the fact that I was only able to get pregnant in 2010 and then lost that baby and then was unable to get pregnant in 2011, I am so much happier this year over the holidays than I was last year.  I really think that I am healing and I have my wonderful husband, my therapist, and my awesome followers (thank you so much for your wonderful comments.)  Who knows what 2012 will bring, but I'm excited!!

I am also so extremely grateful that we will be able to do IVF.  It's ridiculously expensive and we will be draining our savings account and taking out a $10K loan, but we are able to do it and I'm so thankful for that.  

Hurry up 2012!!  I'm so excited to see what the year brings!!

It Official...

We cannot get pregnant on our own.  I'm pretty depressed right now.  I tried to convince myself that I would just be so happy that we were getting to start IVF, but I held on to hope that maybe we would be one of the lucky couples that got pregnant the month before they started IVF.  Alas...AF arrived last night.  I guess even Santa Clause couldn't deter her.

So tonight I start BCP and begin a 14 day countdown until my monitoring ultrasound and empty our savings account day. 

I am excited and I'll be more excited, but I'm still a little sad and these cramps are just making things worse right now....

Bah humbug.

Bring out the checkbook...

After 2 days of cramping, I started spotting today and I'm sure AF will make her appearance momentarily.  I'm pretty bummed.  The cramps were helpful because I knew she was coming so I didn't get my hopes up, but I was hoping for a Christmas miracle of our own.  A miracle that would bring us a baby in 9 months, save us more than $20K, bring us so much hope and happiness going into the New Year, and so much more.  I'm trying to pray more and one phrase that has been on repeat in my head is 'not my plan, but yours (God's)' and I am trying to sit back and let God's plan happen, but I was kinda hoping his plan was for us to get pregnant on our own on the eve of starting IVF.  It just wasn't meant to be.

Now, I'm trying to get excited about IVF, but I need some time to get over yet another BFN and another arrival of AF. 

Note:  AF arrived the exact same time last year, 2 days after Christmas.  I really hate her!! 

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is a positive pregnancy test, a healthy pregnancy, and a happy healthy boy or girl (or boy and girl or any combination really) 9 months later.  You see I'm 11 dpo today after ovulation on my own with no meds and a lot of prayer.  It would be awesome if you could somehow keep AF away for the next 9 months and we could conceive on our own.  Maybe if you see her on the way to my house if you could distract her and cart her away to the North Pole for a little vacation.  She's been working hard this year and visiting me every month, so I think she could really use the break.

And if this isn't our month, then please send us a baby from our IVF adventure that will begin next week.  We are really excited for this new journey, but of course we could use a little help (in the magic and miracles department.)  If that's the case, then we could also use some more patience.  Most of ours has been used up this year and maybe if you could fill our tank again that would help us in this next part of our journey. 

Either way, we would love to have new baby celebrate his or her first Christmas next year.  That's all we want for Christmas this year.  It's not a pony or a car or really nice jewelry, it's something so much more special and awesome, but we could really use some help. 

Thanks Santa.  You're the best!!

Love,
The J's

Missing my Angel...

I haven't cried for awhile.  I've been really busy with the holidays and really, really excited about starting IVF and then I even ovulated on my own which was awesome.  Last night was tough though.  We went to the Zoo with my in-laws to check out the Christmas lights and see some animals.  As soon as we got there I realized that this might not have been the best idea.  There were so many children and so many families with many, many children and lots of women with young children who were visibly pregnant.  Despite all of that, the reason I was so sad was because I couldn't bring my 9 month old baby boy or girl to the Zoo with his/her grandparents.  It still breaks my heart that I lost my first child.  Last Christmas I was still in mourning from my miscarriage and this Christmas, I'm still sad about my lost angel.  Why did everything have to go so wrong? 

Since there is no answer to that question, I will try to end on a more positive note.  It's Christmas eve and I'm celebrating with my husband (who is so amazing) and his wonderful family.  I might not have been very good this year, but I'm still hoping Santa leaves us some nice gifts this year.  Since I haven't written a letter to Santa yet, I will post mine up soon.

Happy Christmas Eve!!

One week left...until IVF!!!!!

I can't believe that it's been a week since I last posted.  My sister's baby has arrived, a little on the small side, but mom and baby are doing very well.  How am I doing?  ...Way better than expected, but the jealousy does flare up from time to time.  However, I am so proud of myself for being genuinely happy for my sister and the newest edition to our family and going shopping for new baby clothes for the new baby with my mom.  (I found some great clothes on sale too.)  I have another week until I meet the family and until then, I am going to enjoy some quality relaxing time with my wonderful in-laws and my last few alcoholic drinks before we start IVF. 

Speaking of which, I will start birth control pills next week!!!  I can't wait!  I picked up my prescription already and we are getting ready to go!!  Plus, we were approved for the success refund program and I think that we are going to go for it!!  2012 is going to be a year full on injections, ultrasounds, blood draws, and (hopefully) babies and I can't wait!!

Tomorrow

Well, the day has finally arrived.  My sister is scheduled for her C-section tomorrow morning.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I am very happy for her and I'm happy that I will soon have another niece or nephew.  But, it's still incredibly hard for me.  I'm super jealous and I really wish I wasn't, but I can't help it (My therapist says that this is okay by the way).  I feel a little nauseous actually and I just want to go to bed and not wake up until I'm pregnant.  Yea, it's one of those days.  The good news is that tomorrow morning I will have another niece or nephew and after tomorrow morning my twin sister won't be pregnant anymore.  Instead, she'll be the mother of 3 beautiful children (that only cost her 2 failed months of clomid to make.)  Actually, of her 3 pregnancies, 2 were by accident.  Whereas building my family has come with so much loss, struggle, and heartache...and not to mention money.  So, yea I'm jealous and I'm sad as hell that it's not me having a baby tomorrow.  I know you may read this post and think that I'm a terrible person, but I'm just trying to release these pent up feelings so that I can go on being happy for my sister and the new addition to her family. 

 

Thanks for listening.

A Wonderful Sight...

A quick update.  Since I'm taking this month off from fertility treatments in preparation for IVF next month,    I have been anxiously waiting to ovulate because I had no idea if or when I would on my own and I just want to get the party started for IVF already.  Well yesterday at CD 19, I had a beautiful sight...a smiley face on my OPK!!  It was awesome!!  Of course, we baby-danced away!!  I don't have any hopes for this cycle, but I'm just happy that I was able to ovulate in a reasonable amount of time and not have to use Provera.  I'm still waiting for my temp rise, but I had some cramps today so I thing operation ovulation is safely underway.

As soon, as ovulation is confirmed, I'll be starting a 14 day countdown to the start of IVF.  I'm counting my next CD 1 as the start of IVF.  It will be the first time since we started trying to get pregnant that I will be happy to see AF!!  It's gonna be a great Christmas present...lol.

Yea!!

Remember back in grade school or high school or summer camp when you had the opportunity to win awards all the time?  Well, that doesn't happen so much in the land of adulthood, which is why I'm so pumped to receive a blogging award!!  It's like I'm a kid again!!  And in the midst of yet another negative and arrival of AF, it's nice to have something so fun to celebrate!!

The Leibster Award

Thank you so much to M from Creating a Rainbow and Chanel from Just Waiting for My Turn

Here are the rules of the Liebster Award: (German for "dear" or "dearest")

The rules:

1. Copy and paste the award on your blog.
2. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
3. Reveal your top 5 picks (<200 followers) and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
4. Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.

My 5 picks are as follows:
1.  This Blondie Wants Babies
2.  The Lotus Flower
3.  Created Family
4.  Belle at Scrambled Eggs
5.  Building a Family Through Donor Insemination

Merry Christmas and Happy Blogging!!

Tis the season...

Making a list...and checking it twice!

I'm not talking about a wish list for Santa either.  Nope, I'm talking about a checklist of things to get done before we can start our first IVF cycle.  Yesterday, CJ moved us one step closer by doing his seman analysis.  I'm always so proud of him for going and doing this terribly awkward thing and never complaining and just getting it done!  We'll find out the results on Friday when we both go in for our talk and my saline hysterosalpingogram and mock transfer.  Then, we'll have a couple more things checked off and I can't wait!!

Poem

Here's a poem that one of my IRL friends who went through miscarriage, infertility, and finally pregnant from IVF shared with me.  I think I'm just going to have to keep reading it as I embark on this next step on our journey. 

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

 

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss

and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. 



I will be better not because of genetics, or money, or that I have read more books

but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. 

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every
day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I
can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop
another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with
which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be
careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better
daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. 



I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.  I have been tried by fire
and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. 



I have prevailed. 

I have succeeded.

I have won. 



So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself
discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.  And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the
immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they
learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion
that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.



Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Author Unknown

 

IVF here we come!!

So, here's the plan. 
1.  December:  No meds this month and pre-IVF testing including saline hysterosalpingogram (or something like that), mock transfer, and special IVF seman analysis for CJ

2.  January (hopefully):  Start my next cycle.  Go in CD 3 for Day 3 labs including FSH, LH, ect.  Start birth control pills.

3.  January/February:  Stims, Retrieval, Transfer, Baby!!

I'm so excited.  I feel like it's a really long road to get there, but I am very confident that this is the best option for us at this point.  For those of you who have done IVF, does this timeline sound normal to you?  I go in next week to meet with the doctor and come up with a plan, but this is what we talked about briefly at my appointment today.  It's funny because I have to put my whole "I want to be pregnant by Christmas thing" on hold while we prepare for IVF, but I feel strangely calm and just excited about it!!  I don't know how I'm gonna get through the next month before we get things started, but I can't wait!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Greetings from the ICU!  I hope you all are having a very happy Thanksgiving!!

Tomorrow is my CD3 scan and after much talk and delibration, CJ and I are ready to move onto IVF.  So, my plan is to go in there and ask them how we can move on to this next step.  Now, that we've made the decision, I just want to get started, but I know that it will take some time.  I know that we could do more IUI's or try injectibles with IUI, but the success rate is still not that good and I'd rather spend money on IVF with it's much high success rate.  I'm just at my wits end and I'm so ready to be pregnant.  It's worth the money and the time and everything else.

So, this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for my wonderful husband and for our health and jobs and that we are able to be able to afford IVF (barely!).  I'm so excited about this new step.  My excitement and hope for our future IVF cycle is keeping out of depression right now and I feel pretty good.  I feel that this is the right next step for us! 

Not my happy thanksgiving ending...

Well, i won't get to be like Addison and test on Thanksgiving Day.  Nope, thanks to AF's arrival today, I don't get my happy Thanksgiving ending.  This sucks and it hurts so much.  I felt so much more confident this time around and our timing was perfect.  But it wasn't meant to be.  What it does mean for me is that I'm so thankful that I started seeing a therapist who specializes in infertility.  she's great.  I've only had one appointment, but I definitely think that this is going to help and I'm kinda kicking myself for not going earlier.  It also means that I am so sad today.  It sucks cause I'm at work now fighting back tears and just wishing that this had been our month. 

 

The good news is that CJ is onboard for more treatments. He is so awesome, really!!  I thought he would come home and say well we said that this was the last one, so now we're done and it was pretty much the opposite of that.  I'm actually going to talk to my doctor about either another IUI or moving onto IVF.  so, at least we are going to keep going with treatments which I'm excited about. 

 

This is kinda a rambling, disjointed post, but that's how I'm feeling right now.  I'm sad, lonely, frustrated, and still a little hopeful for the future.  I really do believe that this is a question of when not if and I just need to be patient.  See, I'm already learning something from my therapist.

 

I hope you all have a wonderful thanksgiving. 

Private Practice

So, I just watched Private Practice.  You know how Addison was testing on Thanksgiving Day, well, that will be me this year...testing on Thanksgiving Day.  I think Addison is pregnant.  I think I'm pregnant.  I really hope we both get to have our happy endings, I mean beginnings on Thanksgiving this year!!  (Yes, I know Addison is a fictional character on tv, but when I saw that episode it just made me think about how I will be testing on Thanksgiving too...maybe its a sign and I will be pregnant!!

The 2WW has been so much better this time around.  I have been about at positive as I can be.  I just keep telling myself that I'm pregnant, that it actually worked this time, that this time around the word 'Pregnant' will flash on the fancy tests that I bought just so that I could test if I ever made it to a cycle where AF was late.  I even made a vision board.  haha.  I am so not a vision board person, but it has felt really good to inject so much positive energy into my life and into these 2 weeks.

So, what do you think?  Is Addison pregnant?  Am I pregnant?  Only time will tell, but I'm betting on both of us!!

2nd IUI Success!!

Yesterday was my 2nd IUI.  I started cramping Monday night and all day yesterday, so I think that our timing was perfect this time around.  CJ stepped up to the plate and hit a home run with a count of 72 million and 6% morphology.  I'm so proud of him.  I've decided that this time around I am going to think and act like I'm already pregnant in the hopes of actually making it happen. 

So, I'm now 1dpIUI and I'm considering myself pregnant.  Yea!!  Now, I just need to wait 2 more weeks to confirm what I already know with a HPT.  CJ's on board too with this super-hopeful mentality this month.  For the next 2 weeks, I will abstain from alcohol, sushi, lunch meat, heavy exercise in the hopes of turning my thought into reality.  Yes, I know I'm trying to believe myself pregnant.  I've tried being realistic and pessimistic and angry at god and it hasn't worked and I've just felt lonely and bitter.  Now, I'm going with happy and hopeful and pregnant (until proven otherwise!)  Plus, I'm talking to God again and going to church and it feels great!! 

Please send some positive thoughts and baby dust this way to help me through the next 2 weeks! 

In other news, I'm working in the ICU again this month, so hopefully I can stay sane at work.  At least it will give me time to blog and read blogs when I'm not busy.

Thanks to all my wonderful followers for sticking around through my long absence.  I'm glad you're here!

Trigger Shot tonight!!

I can't wait!!!!!!

Midcycle Monitoring...

I had my ultrasound today, CD11.  I knew it was early, but I had such a large follicle on CD 13 last time around that I didn't want to miss it this month.  At first the scan looked terrible.  Nothing going on in the left ovary and just my persistent cyst on the right (that's getting smaller), but after a little shuffling it looks like I have one follicle at 18 and another one around 11 -13.  I didn't really hear him when he called out the numbers.  Then, I got dressed and we talked in his office and the plan is to do trigger shot tomorrow night (CD 12) and then IUI on Tuesday morning at 10am.  I'm so excited to be doing another IUI and I'm glad that we're starting earlier this month since I think I ovulated before the trigger shot in September.  But of course, now I'm filled with more worries...will the follicle be mature enough by tomorrow night, will I ovulate 36 hours later just in time for my IUI, and of course will we get pregnant?????

In the meantime, I'm going to treasure my weekend off of work and time spent with CJ.  It's a beautiful fall day!! I'll keep you posted!!

Medication Mishap...kinda...

This morning, I woke up early, started my car, got ready for work, jumped in my warm car, and headed off to work on time.  I was feeling really good until I pulled into the garage and realized that I forgot to take my femara.  Opps.  So, I called CJ and asked him to drop it off at work.  I woke him up because it was only 5:45 am this point.  If I ever had any doubts, I now know without a doubt that my husband loves me and is the best man in the whole world.  He scraped the ice off his car and drove to the hospital where I ran out to meet him, downed my 2 little pills, kissed him, and then we went our separate ways! 

Gotta love all the crazy things we do to make a baby!!

I'm back!

Sorry for the unannounced break from blogger.  I decided to keep myself busy with yoga and work and trying to live my life again last month.  I have to say that it was a great month.  I thought that the time away would help me find myself again since sometimes I feel like I'm losing it (literally) in this whole struggle.  Well, I think I was successful with those goals.  I'm feeling better about myself and about the whole infertility situation.  I also was really hoping to come back on here and announce my BFP, but alas...AF arrived yesterday and today is CD 2.

I had my baseline ultrasound yesterday and it showed that the cyst on my left had completely resolved but now I had a new cyst on my right, likely a corpus luteum cyst from where I ovulated.  I really thought that I was going to have to sit out another cycle when the doctor said, well I guess you just like to make these big corpus luteum cysts and I think we can go ahead with treatment this month.  YEA!!!  So, I start month 2 of femara tomorrow morning (after spending $186 on filling my prescription last night.)

I have a new plan for this month that only involves positive thinking.  Every day I'm going to tell myself that this is the month that I will get pregnant and I'm going to believe that.  Let's face it even when I try to tell myself that it isn't going to work, I'm still crushed when AF arrives.  So, this is it.  This is the month that I get my BFP.  Here we go!!

More bad news...

Well, I had my CD3 ultrasound today.  My right ovary looked good with a few antral follicles.  But my left ovary decided to hold on to the corpus luteum this time around.  Yep, I have a 3cm corpus luteum cyst on my left ovary and just like that there will be no femara or IUI this time around.  My options were birth control so that I could definitely get my next period in 4 weeks, provera (start taking it in a couple of weeks), or nothing and try naturally.  I just couldn't handle the idea of not trying this month, so we are going to go at it the old fashioned way.  I left the office in tears, but I went to a hot yoga class right afterwards and that always relaxes me and cheers me up.  So, I bought an unlimited monthly pass.  That's right, I'm tired of being a sad, depressed, not-pregnant, infertile woman who's always on the brink of tears. That stops today.  Now, I'm officially a Yogi!!  Let's see how many classes I can get to in the next 31 days!!  I can't wait!!

Plus. all this stretching has got to be good for BD'ing!!

Hanging my a thread...

I'm sorry I haven't been around recently and haven't really participated in ICLW.  I needed a break from blogger and I was trying to get on with my life in the hopes of having a really happy BFP post this weekend.  No such luck.  AF arrived this morning.  Just in time for me to go to work for another call shift of 30 hours.  And I thought that I was sad before.  Now, I'm just kind of numb alternating with depressed, angry, and frustrated.  Why can't we get pregnant again???  It just doesn't make any sense and it just plain sucks.

I have another metaphor for this whole miscarriage and trying to conceive after loss thing.  After my miscarriage last year, I was thrown a life line, a metaphorical rope of support from family and friends and of hope that I would get pregnant again soon and have a rainbow baby.  Every cycle that has passed since then has frayed the rope.  I feel like I'm hanging by threads at this point.  I'm not really sure what to do about it except cling to those threads and go forward with another femara/IUI cycle.  This time, I'm determined to time everything perfectly even if it means using my precious sick days if needed.

Here's what I'm thinking the plan will be.  First step, CD 3 ultrasound on Monday.  (So, the plan might change after that.)  Then femara again CD 3-7.  Monitoring ultrasound either CD 10 or 11 (since CD 13 was obviously too late last month.)  Trigger shot.  IUI #2.  Struggle through another awesome/fun 2WW.  I'm also going to ask about injections since I only had one follicle on femara and maybe we just need more targets.

Wow, this really sucks and the worst part is that I really feel like my prayers are falling on deaf ears and I'm not sure what the point is anymore.  I haven't gone to church in a month and I'm not sure that I can bring myself to go back until I'm pregnant again.  I feel like I've been abandoned since my miscarriage last year.  Why did my sister have to get pregnant (for the 3rd time) and not me?  Why is everyone else that I work with or on facebook or even on these blogs able to get pregnant?  The big question is what am I going to do about it and at this point, I'm going to try to make it through my call today and my 2 more calls this week and then we'll see.  Right now, I just need to not cry while I'm at work...but that's not really going so well now...

So sad today...

Well, here I am back at work and on-call for another 9 more hours.  I've been thinking about writing this post all day, but now in the wee hours of morning while I'm waiting to accept a patient I finally have some time.  I may ramble and vent a little bit, but I'll plan that on the sleep deprivation.

 

So, for the past couple of months, I've been telling myself and my family and friends that I'm fine whenever they ask.  Some days, that's true, some days I'm better than fine (like when I was doing hot yoga or the day of my IUI when I was feeling downright good), and some days I'm feeling a whole lot worse than fine...like today.  For some reason, ever since yesterday afternoon I have been feeling really sad, down, depressed, jealous, frustrated, etc.  I'm sure that has made me a lot of fun to work with but I'm actually pretty good at putting on a good face at work even though I'm really sad.  I think I can attribute my sadness/depression to a couple of different things, so now it's time for a list.

 

1.  I need new and better friends.  I started re-watching episodes of sex and the city.  What I love most about the show is the amazing friendship between the 4 women.  I want that so badly and I realized that I just don't have any friends who completely measure up.  Before her most recent pregnancy, Lil was my best friend who I could call at anytime, but I can't do that anymore. It's just too hard to talk about my follicle ultrasounds when she's going in for ultrasounds of her 3rd baby to be.  I also had amazing support from friends both near and far when I had my miscarriage last year.  There was rarely a day that went by that I didn't hear from someone checking in on me or asking me if I wanted to grab dinner or get together.  That's just not the case this year.  I'm having a harder time reaching out to my friends and they probably don't realize how much I'm struggling.  I have tried to talk to my closest friends and I just always leave the situation or conversation feeling like they just don't get it.  So, I try not to talk about it and I feel so lonely.  That's how miscarriage and infertility have changed me the most by making me feel lonely and isolated despite trying to reach out.  Now, I'm on the quest for an infertility support group close to me or at least some new friends.  I'm looking for a Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha.

 

2.  I miss my family, but I feel let down by them.  I have a wonderful family and I'm blessed to have amazing parents, a fun little brother and sister, and my wonderful twin sister who I love so much and who I just can't talk to very much anymore.  I've gone through these phases where I miss my family so then I try to tell them about things that are going on and then they just come back with you need to see a therapist and what's wrong with you and it's been over a year so you should be over your miscarriage and you might never have children.  I've heard all of that from them over the summer and I just don't want to go through that again, so I'm pulling away and I'm sad. 

 

3.  The 2WW is really tough.  I've gone through 8 of these before and each time I was very optimistic, searching for signs (creamy CM, sore boobs, nausea, headache, cramps, food aversions) that this was my lucky cycle and each time AF has come and crushed me.  Now, I'm feeling hopeless and crushed in advance of her arrival.  I know that even if she comes we'll do another cycle with femara and IUI and the timing looks like it will work out really well since I'll have a 3 day weekend right around ovulation.  I just can't help but be sad and feel defeated.  Every month, I have tried to be optimistic, to practice mindfulness, to be happy, to relax, to exercise more, to not exercise, to hula hoop, etc and it just hasn't worked...so why should this cycle be any different.  I'm not ready to throw in the towel and I don't think I can take a break now because I want a baby so badly, but it's definitely getting harder and my coping mechanisms during the 2WW need an overhaul.  I'm near-tears right now just thinking about AF's arrival and I'm nervous that when she does show her face because she inevitably will it will completely crush me and I won't be able to bounce back or get out of bed. 

 

4.  I just want to be pregnant already.  I want my life back.  It was hijacked last year on August 27th and I want it back.  I've been working at picking up the pieces for the past year, but I'm missing the most important piece and I'm not sure how to complete the puzzle without it.  (Wow, that was a bunch of different metaphors all thrown in there!)  I want to stop thinking about my CM and ovulation cramps and paying out of pocket for fertility meds and procedures and not drinking alcohol and not exercising and drinking more water and googling every little thing.  I want to be able to study without my mind wandering frequently to am I pregnant now or will it work this cycle.  I want to be able to post about my BFP and my first ultrasounds and making it out of the first trimester and eventually posting the birth story of my patient.  Here's another metaphor.  TTC for me has been like a marathon.  Now, I've run a couple of marathons in my day (I ran my last one several months before we first started TTC and I haven't wanted to train for one since then in case it affected my TTC efforts.)  There's a big difference between my journey so far and running a marathon.  At least when you run a marathon, you know where the finish line is.  It's always at 26.2 miles.  So, when you hit the wall at mile 20, you just keep running because you are only 6.2 miles aways from the finish line and each step you take is bringing you closer to the finish line.  Well, I've hit the wall in my TTC journey, but I have no idea where the finish line or if I'm even getting closer to it.  So, I just keep running, but I'm getting tired and weary and I have no idea how I'm going to hang on.  I know that I will hang on because crossing the finish line and holding my baby in my arms one day will be worth every single second of loneliness and frustration that this year has brought me. 

 

If you have made it to this point in the post, I just wanted to thank you for listening.  As you can see, I don't really have anyone IRL who I can vent like this too. Thanks for letting me get this out.  If you have any extra baby dust or buckets full of baby dust, please send it my way!!

1dpIUI

It's so funny writing those initials because I never thought that I would get here, but here I am 1 day past IUI and 2 days into my 5 days of pineapple core smoothies.  We'll see how it goes.  I'm trying to be hopeful/optimistic this month, but it's kinda hard because I'm pretty sure we missed ovulation with the IUI.  We BD'd before though so our bases were covered, but I think I would be feeling a lot better if we had done the IUI on Saturday.  Now, I'm just trying to get over that, "Augh, I should've done that" feeling and move on.  CJ is on board with another IUI.  I think he's so please with himself and his sperm count that he's willing to do it all again.  lol.

I'm back on-call and trying to get some work done, but I just keep googling IUI, femara, BFP, Pineapple core, etc.  Either that or shopping online.  17 more hours until I can go home and sleep and I can't wait!!

Oh yeah and I lost a follower today, which kinda makes me sad.  I was hovering at 22 and now I'm down to 21.  I hope you all don't leave because it's been so helpful and awesome to read your comments!!

First IUI

Let me just say that it was a great experience.  I love my new RE's office and the doctors and nurses are all awesome.  I really hope this works and it's hard to imagine it not working.  The doctor reassured me that even though I had a large follicle it is unlikely that I ovulated before 36 hours with the trigger shot and even if I did since we deposited the sperm right at their target then I would still be okay.  CJ did great too.  His post-wash count was 75 million!!!!!  He was so proud of himself.

Next step is progesterone check next week and then followup ultrasound in about 2 weeks to begin the next cycle if I'm not pregnant.

I was thinking about how awesome it would be if we conceived today.  10 years ago today I was going to my first day of classes at college in New York City and so many lives were lost that day. 10 years later we are hopeful that one life was created today!!

Now, on to the 2ww.  I think we'll BD tonight and tomorrow just for fun and I'm gonna start eating some pineapple core today for the next 5 days.

I hope you are all having a happy weekend!!  Thank you so much for your well-wishes and support!!

T-minus 14 hours...

until my first iui.  i'm so excited and so nervous.  i'm not sure if i've ovulated yet but i have had some ovary twinging and cramps since my hcg shot and my cervical mucus seem s a little thicker but it doesnt look like it does post-ovulation, it just looks like my clomid cm right around ovulation so i think we are still good.  based on my cm it's definitely a good thing that we are doing iui.  cj and i have abstained for the past 2 days (it will be 72 hours by the time of the iui).  oh man i really hooppe that this works!!  i'll be crossing my fingers for a good strong ovulation at the time of my iui tomorrow!!  please let this be our month!! please excuse the typos and punctuation since i'm posting from my phone!!

Happy Friday!!

I had my CD 13 ultrasound this morning.  So far no +OPK's at home and just some twinging in my right and left ovaries, so I was anxious to see what was cooking.  I really don't mind these transvaginal ultrasounds because I love seeing what's going on in my body, especially when there's good news.  Plus, I only had to undress from the waist down which is much nicer than wearing one of those gowns.  The results are a nice, lush endometrium of 12mm and I think it was a triple layer.  So much thicker than my thin 7mm stripe on Clomid.  On my right ovary, I had one antral follicle that he measured, but it was probably only 14 or 15.  On the left, I had one mature follicle at 24 x 27mm.  It was huge.  We were going to do trigger shot in the office and then IUI tomorrow, but I will still be at work tomorrow morning and they aren't able to do an IUI after 11am when I got off work.  So, instead I'm going to trigger tonight (which will be fun because I'm on call in the hospital tonight...lol) and then IUI on Sunday morning at 10am.  I asked him if I should be nervous about ovulating before the IUI, but he said no that it will be fine to wait one more day.  I really wish I could have the IUI tomorrow just to take some of my own fear away about missing the window, but I have to trust him and just go for it on Sunday.

Has anyone else ever missed ovulation with IUI after having a dominant follicle that was almost ready to go?  I really hope this works.  We have our basis covered though because we BD'd yesterday and the RE said that the sperm can last for up to 3 days.  I'm told CJ that I would relax again on Sunday after the IUI and he just laughed because of course after the IUI I'll be in the 2WW and that brings along another set of worries.

Now, I just need to make it through another 10 hours or so, give myself the trigger shot, then another 12 hours oncall, then sleep tomorrow afternoon and tomorrow night, then IUI on Sunday morning, take it easy for the rest of Sunday.  Sounds like a good plan!!

Hump Day

CD 11 today.  A few twinges in my ovaries, but nothing to write home about and so far OPKs negative.  I'm anxiously awaiting Friday's ultrasound and really hoping for a good response from femara, but not too good a response...you know how it goes.

I've also been doing some reading online and I think I'll have to take a break from my new love of bikram (hot) yoga during ovulation and the 2ww.  I'm a little sad about it because while I'm doing yoga, I feel great, my body feels great, and I'm in a really good place.  It's like a mini-vacation for my body and mind.  But, I've read conflicting things about being in the heat during ovulation and the 2ww and I don't think I want to risk it at all.  So, I'm going to continue daily jogging and then use bikram yoga whenever AF arrives for the first week of my cycle.  It will be my consolation prize and I know it will get me through the worst time of each month.  What are your thoughts on bikram yoga while TTC?  Any other recommendations for yoga, etc?  I'm not doing acupuncture this month because it's just too expensive on top of the IUI/ultrasounds/medications.

In other news, I was on-call last night and actually managed to get almost 5 hours of sleep with minimal interruptions so that's also good for my body.  I can't wait to head home at 11am this morning though after rounds and get some real sleep.  It looks like its going to be a rainy day here too which is perfect for post-call.  Happy Hump Day!!

CD 7 - Last day of Femara pills

I can't believe I'm already a week into this next cycle.  Just last Sunday when the witch arrived, time seemed to slow down.  But here we are, somehow another week gone by.  I'm trying to be more optimistic this time, so how about this for optimism...I'm officially 1 week pregnant. 

Lol.  Isn't it kinda funny that we start counting pregnancy weeks from the LMP, so the counter starts even before conception.  This time around, I'm starting my own counter.  I don't want to get a ticker (cause that would just be silly, although I did consider it), but it feels good in a way to think of myself as 1 week pregnant instead of CD 7. 

So far, minimal side effects from femara...some hot flashes and maybe one day of mood swings. 

We'll start BD'ing tomorrow (to flush out the old sperm!) and I'll start my OPKs on Tuesday.  As long as I don't have a surge before Friday, then I'll go for my monitoring ultrasound on Friday (CD 13) and then do trigger shot and IUI on Saturday.  Only 1 week from today!  I can't wait.  I really hope it works with IUI and that I have at least 1, but hopefully 2 or 3 good follicles. I'm nervous that I'll miss my surge or ovulate earlier and not be able to do IUI, but I really am trying to relax and just let it happen.  On Clomid, I ovulated on CD 17-19, then CD 16 (with trigger shot), then apparently CD 15 (based on my cycle length since I wasn't temping or monitoring.  I heard that Femara can move up ovulation day, but I'm still thinking that CD 13 will be okay for my monitoring ultrasound.  Anyone on femara have any experience with this????  Should I move up my monitoring ultrasound????

In other news, I started running again as well as hot yoga, which is incredible.  I was pretty sore this morning, but I feel great and I can't wait for the next class!!

Have a great weekend.  I'm on call today and tonight, so I'm just hoping to get a little bit of sleep. 
Goodnight!!

Updates and A New Plan!

So, my new cycle started on Sunday and I called the new RE on Monday to try to get in for a CD 3 ultrasound so that we could go ahead with treatment this cycle, but then the receptionist said that since I didn't have a treatment plan from my previous RE that I would need a new patient appointment before we could start treatment and my new patient appointment wasn't until Thursday (CD5).  So, I asked her if she had any cancellations for Monday or Tuesday  (this was at 11:00am on Monday) and she had a cancellation for Monday at 1pm.  I told her I could make it (since I was post call and not working).  I'm hoping it was fate! So, I went in for my new patient appointment and it was wonderful.  I love my new RE.  He's younger and very considerate and awesome!!  The office is great too.  They got all of my old records too which really helped.  He did a history and we talked about what I had tried in the past.  Then, he said "don't you want to know why you aren't ovulating regularly?"  And I said "Definitely."  I feel like he's treating me like a serious case now and wants to figure it out.  Then, he said " so are you pretty much at the end of your rope?"  Finally, someone who is acknowledging how hard this is and justifying my presence in an RE's office.  I told him I definitely was and then almost started crying, but he was very understanding and very positive.  It was awesome.  Then, we went in for an exam and ultrasound.  I have an anteverted uterus and we could see the corpus luteum cyst on my left ovary and a few follicles and then a cyst on my right ovary and quite a few follicles.  So, he said it looks like a mild form of PCOS.  Then, after I got dressed we met again to talk about a treatment plan.  So, here it is.  Femera (Letrazole) 5mg CD 3-7.  Then, I'll go in for an ultrasound on CD 13.  If there's a mature follicle, I'll do a trigger shot there and come back the next day for my first IUI.  CJ and I are both so excited for the IUI because it's something that will help our chances and it's totally different than what we've been doing in the past.  I just hope we get the timing down.  I'm also really excited about the femara since it seems to have a better success rate than clomid and there are none of the bad side effects (thin lining and poor CF).  I think I had thinner lining on clomid because AF is almost gone and it's only CD 4.

Here's the cost breakdown for the cycle.
New patient appointment and ultrasound and blood work - covered under fertility testing by my insurance --> $30 copay
Femera  - not covered by my insurance --> $152 at Walmart Pharmacy
Mid-cycle monitoring ultrasound --> $157 (hopefully only x 1)
IUI --> $400
OPKs - I'm going to start testing at CD 10 to make sure I don't surge earlier on the femera --> $25
Pregnancy test - I have 2 dollar tree tests left over --> $0 (I'm going to try to just wait on AF)
Total cost --> $764 (As long as I only need one ultrasound.)

So, it's not too bad, we were figuring somewhere between $1000-2000, so this sounds really good by comparison.

Plus, CJ even said that this may not be our last cycle with treatment since it sounds like my new RE is really good.  So, that takes some pressure off too!

Alright, well cycle 9 and our first IUI (hopefully!!).  I can't wait!!!

A new year...

Last year August 28th was a very sad, very hard day.  This year, I'm not quite as sad and I really have come along way, but AF arrived a short time ago and I'm devastated.

Why can't we get pregnant again?????  That would have been the best way to celebrate surviving this year with a BFP tomorrow, but it is not too be.  I'm sure God heard my prayer, but he's just saying, be patient, not right now.  I know that when we do finally get pregnant and have our rainbow baby, he or she is going to be worth waiting for, but it's hard to think about facing another month of not being pregnant.

You'd think that it would get easier since I've already gone through 12 months of not being pregnant.

CD 1, cycle #9, here we go again...

My prayer this Sunday

Dear God,

Please let me be pregnant this month and have a safe, happy, healthy 9 months and bring home my rainbow baby.  Please don't let AF come and keep her away for the next 9+ months.  I want this so bad.  Thank you for all the blessings in my life.

Love,
AJ

A Year Ago and A different lifetime...

First quick update....13 dpo today and still no testing!!  I pretty sure I'll be able to make it to next week without wasting anymore tests.  I definitely do not want to see another BFN and if AF doesn't arrive, then we'll see.

In other news, it was on Friday, August 27, 2010 that I found out about my missed miscarriage.  Later that day, I had my first d&c and within moments I was no longer pregnant.  I still remember the day so clearly and I thought that I would blog about it so that maybe I can free up my thoughts and let go a little bit.

So, it was a beautiful, sunny, hot August day.  I was on an easy cardiology rotation.  I went in for a couple of hours in the morning, but then I left around 11:00am because I had a doctors appointment.  I remember being so excited for my appointment and the weekend and to be 10 weeks.  Before my appointment, I met CJ for lunch.  We ate outside.  I had a chicken curry sandwich (but I saved half of it for later) and we split a side of pasta salad.  It was so much fun.  Then, we headed home so I could pack really quickly before we went to my appointment because I was supposed to be on an amtrak train to New York City after my appointment.  Then, we headed to the doctors office.  I remember sitting in the waiting room and talking with CJ about whether or not we wanted to find out the sex and we couldn't agree.  He wanted to find out and I kinda wanted to be surprised but it was just a fun, happy, light conversation.  I remember being so happy.  Then, we went back to the room.  We talked to the nurse.  My weight hadn't changed at all, but that was to be expected.  Then, my doctor came in the room and we talked for a little bit and then she got me up on the table.  She put a doppler on my belly and searched for the heart beat.  A couple of times she said, I think that's it there, but she never got a strong beat, but she said that could be normal since I was only 10 weeks and the baby could be hiding behind the placenta.  So, then she turned on the ultrasound machine and placed it on my belly.  I remember in the moment before she did that how excited I was to see my baby and I looked over at CJ and his face was pure happiness and he had a huge giddy smile.  Then, the probe went on my belly and I looked up at the screen to see a baby that looked a lot bigger than it had at 6 weeks, but then my doctor asked "how far along are you again?"  I said 10 weeks and she said "this doesn't look like 10 weeks, it only looks like 8 weeks and I can't see a heartbeat.  My world was forever changed in that moment.  The very thing that I had feared so much had come true.  My baby was gone.

What followed was endless tears, difficulty sleeping, 2 surgeries, waiting for 5 weeks to get AF again, then waiting another cycle until we could try again, taking provera to finally get my 2nd AF, then so many BFN, more tears, more waiting, 5 cycles of clomid, one trigger shot, roughly $500 for to our RE (with a lot more to go), acupuncture, hula hooping, baby aspirin, 2 huge bottles of prenatal vitamins, a lot of baby dancing and laying around with my hips up afterwards, an 8 week mindfulness class, more tears, feeling lonely, missing my baby, passing his/her due date to get me to where I am today...which is still not pregnant and childless.  I've come along way in so many other ways, but in the one that's most important to me, I still haven't been able to succeed in my goals.  Maybe by next year at this time I'll be pregnant or have a baby, but I really just don't know because the reality is that I might be right here again.  I'm sad today.  I really thought that this was going to be such a different year.  Now, I'm just trying to be hopeful about the future, but that's a little harder today.

Thanks for listening.  I'm glad I got that out.  Tomorrow is the actual anniversary so we'll see how it goes.

Happy Thursday

It's 12 dpo today and I'm holding strong...no testing!!

Got a pedicure yesterday during my post-call day off.  So relaxing and I love the color I picked.  A dark blue/purple color with a little bit of shimmer.  Saw Harry Potter last night and it was awesome!!  We also bought a cute key holder chalkboard thing from Urban Outfitters and new curtains for our living room.  I'm so excited!!

I'm on call tonight, but hopefully I won't be here too late.  I'm feeling pretty good today.  I'm trying to get excited about IUI next cycle in hopes of not being too disappointmented if AF decides to show next week.  I also called another acupunture clinic in town to see if their appointment are less expensive.  That would be a huge benefit. 

Horoscope

11 dpo and no testing for me today.  Well, it's still early, but I think I can be strong.  That's the problem with having cheap tests in the house.  It's almost worth the risk of seeing a BFN if you get a BFP because then the world magically changes...but I just don't think my heart can handle another BFN and then wait 5 days for AF to arrive.

But since I'm staying positive...here's my August horoscope.

On August 28, the Virgo new moon opens a new chapter for intimacy, one that could bring an engagement, a pregnancy, the purchase of a shared home, or another relationship rite of passage. Your jointly held property is highlighted by this new moon, which forms an auspicious angle to transformational Pluto in your twelfth house of endings and release. In the best sense, this could be a day that you truly forgive and forget, or that you experience a true soul mate connection that dates back to past lifetimes. Some Aquarians may decide to move on from a toxic relationship, cutting your losses and trusting that the universe has a more honest, uncomplicated match for you.


Then, it goes on to say this...


The August 28th Virgo new moon puts your emotions in the spotlight. Its angle to transformational Pluto in your twelfth house of endings indicates that you may need to release something—a person, a pattern, a fixation on things being a certain way—in order to start anew. If you’re holding onto something, be it material or energetic, the only way is surrender. Summon the courage to let go. A pregnancy is possible at this new moon. In fact, if you’re hoping to conceive, this would be a good time to try, especially since expansive Jupiter goes retrograde (backward) in your motherhood house from August 30-December 25. 


Fingers crossed that this turns out to be my month!!

A new day

Yes, my post from yesterday was a little dramatic and sad...but I blame the glass of red wine I had at dinner with some girlfriends last night and the fact that this Saturday is the one year anniversary of my miscarriage and d&c.  I can't believe it's been a year already...but more than that I cannot believe that I'm still not pregnant (well I might be, but I'm still waiting for implantation.)  I really thought that I would be pregnant again already and we are doing everything right and yet each month AF comes and its getting harder and harder. 

However, today is a new day and I'm going to focus on the positives and some recent happy events,  I'm gonna go with bullet points because there is a lot to catch up on.

1.  We had a great vacation in Hilton Head.  The weather was perfect and it was so relaxing  It was the week before ovulation and I ovulated on the Saturday that we were driving home, so I'm hoping the relaxing from vacation is what did it for us this time around.  It was so nice to have a week off from work and to get to sleep in past 5:30 (and not set an alarm!!).  I got along really well with my family too.  (My pregnant twin sister was not there...which is why I was able to relax and we didn't really even talk about her.)

2.  CJ and I celebrated our 3rd Wedding Anniversary on last week.  I can't believe it has been 3 years.  He is without a doubt my best friend, true companion, and soul mate.  He wrote the sweetest thing on a card that he gave me.  I'm paraphrasing but he basically said that this is what he always dreamed marriage would be like and he's glad that he married his best friend (me!!).  He is the best man and the perfect man for me.  To celebrate we went out to dinner and then got some ice cream for dessert, but we were so full that we just saved the ice cream for another day.  It was nice to have a date night and then come home to our wonderful puppy! Here's to many more wonderful years!!

3.  We went camping this past weekend with our puppy and some friends.  It was nice to get away again and it was just a really relaxing weekend with lots of reading and hiking and board games. 

4.  I won my first ever giveaway.  Thanks to Diana at http://bunlessintheoven.blogspot.com/.  If you havent been to over to her blog yet, you should totally check it out.  It's awesome and she is so positive.  I'm hoping that my winning the giveaway is a sign of good things to come...fingers crossed.  (See I told you I was being more positive today.)

5.  I made some extra money moonlighting at work tonight, which is great because I have to be here anyways and it's nice to have a little bit of money going into a IUI cycle. 

6.  I moving to a new fertility clinic and hopefully, we'll be going forward with IUI this month.  I'm hoping to try something else besides Clomid because even though it's getting me to ovulate, it's just not getting me knocked up. I'm really excited for IUI.  It looks like the cycle with cost about $1000, but it will depend on which meds I'm on and how many ultrasounds I need.  I will need a minimum of 2 ultrasounds (cd3 and cd12) and then we'll see.  The IUI is roughly $400.  I have my first appointment over there next Thursday.  Depending on how this cycle finishes that may be later than cd3 so then they told me to just give them a call and they'll bring me in on cd3.  The woman on the phone was so nice and helpful and was actually able to answer all my questions about how the cycle will work and how much it will cost.  (As you know though, I'm hoping an IUI won't be needed and that I'm baking one or more little ones as we speak.) 

7.  I decided not to test again.  Last night was just a slip brought on my over-thinking and red wine.  By the light of day though I think I will be better off just waiting for AF to show next Monday or Tuesday.  If she's a no show that I'll test either Monday or Tuesday.  I had an interesting horoscope for this month with a mention of possible pregnany with the new moon on the 28th, so we'll see what the new moon brings.  Plus, I ovulated on a full moon!!  That should count for something. 

Alright, well I got have to get back to work!!  Have a great night!!

9 dpo

BFN

The waves are hitting me.  This sucks!!

Treading water...

So I know I 'm still due for a post about my vacation and anniversary (3 years!!) but i came up with a good analogy about my life that I wanted to share. 

So here goes...when I got pregnant the first time last year, I started swimming to the island of motherhood (okay a little cheesy but bare with me.)   When I miscarried a big storm came and I sunk for a little while.  I finally resurfaced in December when we started ttc again and I began treading water.  I've been treading water ever since then, but as each cycle passes, the fatigue sets in and it becomes harder to keep my head above water.  And then there are the waves that hit me from time to time...like my sister getting pregnant, a couple of friends at work being pregnant, another BFN, having AF show up again even when we did everything right.

When I do get pregnant again, I'm be floating on top of the water and I'll get to start swimming back to the island.  I can't wait for that day!!

Until then, I'll just keep treading!

Really bad day...

So yesterday was not the best day.  I found out that another co-worker was pregnant and due at New Years and I got my first every speeding ticket.  CJ was really mad at me for speeding on the back roads and I just couldn't stop crying.  The vacation glow has pretty much worn off.  

Here's hoping today's a better day with much less crying involved.

PS I'm back from vacation and I'll have a longer post/update coming soon!

Vacation time!!

We leave for vacation in about 18 hours.  I can't wait!!  One week with CJ on the beach.  Yea, we're going with my family too, but I'm going to try to really focus on hanging out with CJ so that we can have some nice, relaxing time together away from our busy lives.  We're leaving behind our amazing puppy, but he's staying with friends who have a couple of dogs, so he'll be in good hands.
So, I had my acupuncture appointment on Monday.  It was interesting.  The lady does specialize in infertility and said she has lots of success stories.  She told me that I would need to give her 3 months and that we are basically getting the garden ready to plant (with a baby).  She was a little blunt and business-like at times, but I am hopeful that this will help.  So, after my interview with her, she examined my pulses, looked at my tongue, and then we got on with the treatment.  I had needles in my forehead, both hands, one foot, and one leg/knee.  It didn't really hurt at all just a couple of zings when the needles contacted my chi and hopefully got it flowing again.  Her other recommendations with interesting and I'm doing my best to follow them.
1.  Herbs - The Blossom herbs in capsules.  I take 3 pills 3 times every day and go through different phases for each week of my cycle.
2.  Sing - really belt it out.  She said I have some stagnation issues and this will help get things moving.  (I think my hula hooping will also help.)
3.  Eat red fruits and vegetables - this is supposed to help my blood.  So far this week I've had red peppers, tomatoes, sweet potato, mandarin oranges, raspberries and watermelon.  (She said orange was okay too.)
4.  Eat cooked vegetables rather than cold salads to warm me up.  I started getting the cooked vegetables in the cafeteria for lunch this week and some days they were really tasty.
5.  Get moving - this is to help with the stagnation.  I went for a run this week, went swimming with a friend, took my dog for a bunch of walks, and have been hula hooping.
That's about it.  I made another appointment for when I get back from vacation and it will be cd 19, so maybe her treatment can help with ovulation or implantation.
I'm still not temping and no OPKs!!  I never really minded temping, but it's realy nice not temping and basing my day on what number was on the thermometer.  I finished my clomid yesterday and so far no real side effects except for some moodiness, but overall I'm feeling pretty good.  I started taking mucinex 400mg 3 times a day (with my herbs), so I'm hoping for some good CM when the time comes to BD...which we will be sneaking in while we're on vacation next week!!

I hope you all have a great weekend!!  I know have 21 followers which is so exciting!  Thanks for reading!!

Trying something new...

This afternoon, I have my first acupuncture appointment.  I'm really excited and a little nervous.  It's really nice to be trying something different this time around.  I cannot help but be hopeful once again...but there is definitely some reservation since I have been hopeful for the past 7 cycles.  This cycle also feels different because I'm not temping and I won't be doing OPKs.  I'm hoping at some point after I finish taking the clomid that I will just forget what cycle day I'm on and go a couple of months without a period and wake up and be in my 2nd trimester.  Ahh, wouldn't that be nice?!?

I can't believe it's August already.  Last year at this time I was pregnant and happy and terrified of a miscarriage.  I cannot believe that I have made it 11+ months and I'm still not even a little bit pregnant.  My sister on the other hand is in her 5th month of her 3rd pregnancy.  Everything is going really well with her and her pregnancy so that's good.  I was hoping to be pregnant at the same time as her though and my window of opportunity is running out.  Oh well. These days, I'm feeling much better and I'm able to enjoy my life with CJ and our puppy a lot more now.  I am so very grateful for my wonderful husband and everyday with him is an amazing blessing!  We're going on vacation next week to the beach and I'm hoping it's just what the doctor ordered as far as relaxing and taking our minds off of TTC.  We are going with my family though, so we'll have to sneak in our babydancing sessions.  I just can't wait for a week of reading fun books, running on the beach, playing tennis, swimming, eating good food, and sleeping in.  Only 4.5days of work left until we leave!!

Here we go again...

There was no happy ending for me this time around.  AF arrived on Friday.  No BFP, no getting to start counting up weeks, no baby growing inside me.  Total bummer.  I really thought we had it this last time around.  Now, its on to cycle 8 of TTC after my miscarriage.  I'll be doing clomid again...round #5.  We won't be able to do IUI though because we'll be on vacation, so more fun timed intercourse on vacation and at home and a lot more praying!!

Today is CD 3 and I took my first dose of clomid this morning.  Tomorrow, I'm off to my first acupuncture appointment for infertility and I'm so excited.  It feels like we're really doing things differently this cycle by adding in the acupuncture.  I'm also going to abandon my thermometer and OPKs.  Oh yeah, and I'm going to keep hula hooping!!

Have a great weekend!!

13, 14, 15...

Dpo and no testing or temping for me and its actually been a nice relaxed couple of days.  I got most of my tears out on Monday and part of me has already moved on to next cycle where I'll be doing clomid and acupuncture, which I'm really excited about.  No AF yet, but I've started to have some of my typical cramping and I'm totally craving chocolate...another sign of her imminent arrival.  When I've taken Clomid in the past, my luteal phase has been 15-16 days, so I should be seeing AF tomorrow or over the weekend. I'm sure I'll cry again when she comes, but for now it's nice to be relaxed and looking forward to cycle #8.

Thanks to everyone for your supportive comments.  They have met so much to me.  Now, I'm off to do a little shopping with CJ and get some ice cream!!

12 dpo

Thank you to everyone for your supportive comments.  I wish I had better news, but I got another BFN (I mean stark white, not even a hint of a line) at 12 dpo this morning.  Oh well.  I guess it just wasn't in the cards, the time is not right, good things come to those who wait, etc, etc, etc. 

I'm feeling a little bit better today though, mostly because I've been busy at work.  It's kinda nice to have the negative early because even though I'm not filled with hope all week and thinking that I could be pregnant, it will not be so devastating with AF shows.  I'm expecting her sometime Wednesday thru Friday.  My luteal phase seems to be a bit longer when I'm on clomid, so I'm thinking Friday is more like it.  Then, it's on to Clomid Round #5. 

Happy Monday to everyone and thanks again for all of your support during this 2WW. 

11 DPO

BFN.

Well, I guess that means the trigger shot is out of my system.  We'll see what happens in the next couple of days, but I'm not feeling  very optimistic.  I really think I'm out this cycle.  At least, I have a couple of days to get used to the idea.  I really don't know how it didn't work this cycle.  I had 2 good follicles, a great triple layer lining, HCG trigger shot, perfectly timed sex, and I didn't do any heavy exercise.  I guess it just wasn't meant to be, but that's a hard pill to swallow with the one year anniversary of my miscarriage looming in a month.

I'm sad and down, which is not a great way to go into the week.  Augh.

Friday Night Frustrations

Greetings to everyone stopping over for the July ICLW!  Thanks for reading and following along and of course, for all of your support. 

Also, my husband and I have officially completed our fertility testing after my husband went for his seman analysis this morning.  I'm anxiously awaiting the results and I'll keep you posted.

After that nice, positive note, the rest of this post may not be that happy.  I feel the need to vent again for a couple of reasons, so here goes.  First, I'm currently stuck at work with a woman in my class who used to be my best friend last year and we were pregnant together last summer.  We were one week apart and I know that I was looking forward to sharing all the new experiences of pregnancy together during the subsequent 8 months.  Throughout the first 10 weeks, we shared our morning sickness symptoms and commisterated about changing our schedules to have time for maternity leave and not drinking alcohol (wow, I was so innocent a year ago).  After I lost my baby, she was a terrible friend and just complained about her pregnancy to me.  I just decided that I couldn't be friends with someone who knew what I had been through and couldn't show any compassion or understanding.  It sucked though because I lost my best friend.  It was also like getting punched in the stomach everytime I saw her and her growing belly as the months went on.  When she finally had the baby, it was a relief that she wasn't going to be at work for 2 months and I planned on getting pregnant while she was out on maternity leave, but no such luck.  Now, she's back at work and she has a healthy 4 month son.  Me, I'm still not pregnant, but I have a 4 month old puppy.  So, the reason for my story is that today she brought her son into the resident lounge.  I just got up and walked out.  It's just too much to hear people gushing about her beautiful baby when that should have been me too.  Plus, no one bring their babies into the resident lounge.  There are a lot of babies of residents in my department and this is the first time I have ever seen one in our lounge.  It kinda felt like getting punched in the stomach and I still haven't completely recovered.  Although, I am feeling better now that I've gotten it out. 

1 week down

So, how am I doing with my list?  Well, I'm still staying away from heavy exercise, but I haven't made it out for a walk in a couple of days and I haven't started my daily yoga yet.  I've been busy though with work.  Plus, I'm standing more at work to try to burn some extra calories.  I did a ton of laundry though this weekend, so I'm doing good there.  Plus, I just heard that hula hooping is good for fertility, so I picked up a hula hoop and I plan on using it everyday!!  I also made an appointment for an acupuncture class on August 1st.  That way if I get pregnant this month, I can cancel it and if AF arrives (God, I hope not!), than at least I have something new to try for next month.

In other news, I just found out that another resident in my class is expecting a baby in January and another one of my classmates just had a baby today.  Sometimes, I just get stuck in a rut thinking about why did I have to be the one to miscarry when every one else I know has gotten pregnant and had their babies or is pregnant now.  And even if I had to have the miscarriage, why have I not been able to get pregnant again?  Why? Why? Why?

I feel like I'm in infertile purgatory and I have no idea how to get out.   Sorry, I'm just venting a little bit, but it's been a rough week so far.

In testing news, I took a test at 3dpo and 5dpt because I wanted to see what a positive pregnancy test looked like.  It looks awesome, but not nearly as awesome as a positive pregnancy test would next week for me!  I took another test today at 7dpo and 9dpt and got a very, very faint 2nd line, which is probably just the remains of the trigger.  I'm planning on testing again in a couple of days to see if the lines getting lighter or darker, but who knows I might break down and test again tomorrow.  As far as signs go, my temps look great and even climbed another 0.3 degrees this morning.  I've also been having on and off again stomach cramps...they kinda feel like my ovulation cramps and kinda like a stomach ache, so I'm not really sure what that's about.  I'm also bloated, have occasional nausea, very strange dreams, occasional headaches, and I think that's about it.  I guess we'll see what the next week brings..

2 busy, productive, and fun-filled weeks...

So fertility friend officially confirmed my ovulation on CD 16 with 3 days of high temps.  I think I'll take a break from temping for the next 2 weeks, which I'm excited about.  I'm still really excited that I ovulated on CD 16, which is so early for me!!  It's also cool how well I know my body now because I had great fertile EWCM prior to ovulation and then for the past 2 days, I've had creamy CM which is means that I ovulated.  On the other hand, I wish I didn't know my body this well and I lived in blissful, fertile ignorance.  If knowing more about my body and cycles helps me get pregnant though it will all be worth it.
So, since I'm in the 2WW, I thought that I'd come up with some goals for the next 2 weeks, so that when this time period ends I can look back and say well at least I was productive, had fun, and relaxed.

1.  Continue with my no heavy exercise plan.  It's a lot harder than I thought it would be.  I think mainly because if I can't be pregnant than I would like to be thin, but it's also been really nice giving my body a break this month.
2.  Go for a walk every day!!
3.  Eat more fruits and veggies!  Eat less chocolate.
4.  Organize and finish decorating the office...we've already built one bookshelf, but we have one more to do and then a lot of organizing.
5.  Organize our outside storage shed and hang our bicycles inside.
6.  Go to bed early!!
7.  Study for work and attend all lectures.
8.  Do yoga everyday...i started doing the short sections on Hulu, but i may need to invest in a good DVD.  If you know any, let me know.
9.  Keep up with laundry and keeping our house clean!
10.  Be happy!!!

The nice thing about this list is that it will definitely keep me busy!!  Have a great weekend!!
Thank you to everyone for the well-wishes and awesome positive comments on this cycle!!

1 DPO

It begins again.

I'm in the 2WW and I'm not really sure how I'm feeling.  I'm happy that this cycle has been moving so quickly and it's wonderful to ovulate on CD 16 instead of CD 22.  Yea!  Yesterday, Ovulation Day, I was expecting horrible cramps (the nurse told me to be on the look out), but I only had dull aching throughout the day.  We bd'd the night of the trigger, 32 hours after the trigger, and 52 hours after the trigger or 18 hours after ovulation.  I'm confident that we had excellent timing and I seemed to have excellent fertile CM, so I didn't need to use any preseed.  All I can do now is wait, hope, and pray.

Dear God,
Please let this be the one we've been waiting for, our rainbow baby.  On my end of things, I will strive to get the most out of every day of this 2ww and be happy and thankful for all the blessing that I do have.
Thanks for listening!

Ultrasound and Trigger!!

Just got back from my ultrasound.  They really have a good gig going there.  I was only in the office for like 15 minutes and it cost me $225.  Crazy, but hopefully worth it because my right ovary had 2 nice follicles measuring 19 and 20.  Plus, my uterine lining was trilaminar (I think thats the word, but there were 3 layers) and thicker.  So, we went ahead with the trigger shot. The nurse gave it to me, which was good because I don't think that my husband would have been able to do it.  Now, I'm letting myself just get excited because I will ovulate in 36 hours, on CD 16 which will be the earliest that I have ever ovulated!! Plus, CJ and I will have perfectly timed BD'ing so that's good.  I'm gonna try to stay happy, relaxed, and excited!! Here we go!!

Anxious and excited...

Happy Monday.

No +OPK over the weekend or today, so I'm going in at 4pm for my CD 14 ultrasound.  I'm nervous that my follicles didn't grow enough over the weekend and I really don't want to have to pay for another ultrasound.  I'm also really excited because if my follicles are big enough than I will trigger tonight!!  Only 2 more hours to be in suspense and I'll keep you posted.  I have been having some twinges in my ovaries so hopefully something is growing in there (but not too many...lol!)

News

Happy Friday.  I'm not sad today, which is good and I have some reasons to be happy or at least kinda excited.  Today is CD 11 (which also means it's another BD'ing day = Happy!)  I had my mid-cycle monitoring ultrasound today.  Here's what we saw.

My endometrial stripe was 5.  He said that was a little on the thin side, but that it would get thicker over the next few days.

On my left ovary, there were a couple of follicles, but the largest was only 10.

On my right ovary, there were 2 nice, big follicles measuring 15mm.  Since follicles grow about 2mm/day, he said that I should be ready to ovulate in 3 days, which is really exciting.  Plus, I have 2 dominant follicles, so hopefully I'll have at least 2 changes to get knocked up or maybe twins.  Then, he joked that we might be adding some conservative republicans to our family (since they are coming from the right...lol).  It made me feel so good though to see my body responding to the meds and to hear the doctor talking about making babies from theses follicles.

Next step is LH-surge testing over the weekend.  If no surge by Monday, then I'll have another ultrasound and get a trigger shot that night.

Speaking of the trigger shot.  My doctor called it in to CVS, who then called me to say that it would be a $1500 prescription.  Well, there is no way we can afford that so I did some calling around and found Freedom Fertility Pharmacy who will supply the meds by Monday for only $75.  That is such a relief.  I guess I won't be getting any new clothes for the summer though.

So, I guess I'm a little more hopeful today, but I still just want to be pregnant already and I'm worried how I will get through another arrival of AF.  Only time will tell...

Happy Weekend!!

Sad today

i'm not sure why but i'm sad today.  maybe because its been a slow day at work.  maybe because one of my co-worker's wife is 39.5weekss pregnant and due any day now and i really thought that i'd at least be pregnant by the time she delivered.  i'm also starting to lose hope that i'll ever get pregnant again and have a healthy baby.  i never imagined that it would take me this long after my miscarriage to pregnant again and there's no end in site.  sorry for such a downer post but the purpose of my blog is to be able to vent these emotions and today i'm feeling hopeless.  i just want to be pregnant again already.

July Already

I haven't disappeared.  I just changed to a new rotation and I'm getting used to the new hours and requirements.  The best thing is that for the next 2 months no more call every 4th night, but on the downside my hours daily are a little worse and I have to work this weekend, which is a bummer.

I finished taking my clomid on Monday.  This cycle around I'm doing it CD 3-7.  I'm hoping that it's the lucky combination.  Today is CD 9 and because of our schedules we are going to start the BD'ing every other day tonight.  Normally, I would wait until CD 12-13, but since I took the clomid earlier, I might actually ovulate earlier and I don't want to miss the window.  I don't know how I feel about this cycle.  In many ways, I feel like its just not going to work out and I'm trying to be okay with that.  Everything else is going so well with CJ and our new puppy and it's summer and I'm finally out of the PICU, so I'm actually happier and more relaxed than I have been in awhile.  I'm also a little resigned to the fact that it's going to take more time to get pregnant.  I got CJ to agree to 3 cycles with our RE before we take a break.  We'll be paying out of pocket for the ultrasounds and IUI (if we do that next cycle) so we'll need to take breaks so that we can save up more money.  I'm also moonlighting a little bit to try to make some extra money.  Every little bit helps.  I go in on Friday, CD 11, for my monitoring ultrasound.  This will be my first ultrasound while I'm taking clomid, so I'm excited to see what's going on in there, but I'm nervous that my follicles will be too small or too many.  I haven't talked about a trigger shot with my RE yet, but depending on the results from the ultrasound, maybe we'll get to try that this time around.

I'm already looking forward to ovulating (hopefully in the next 10 days) and moving on to the 2WW.  I'm also trying one more new thing this cycle.  No heavy exercise.  I will be walking and doing yoga only.  This may be kind of hard for me and I'm worried about gaining weight.  I've been running and doing the Insanity workout program for the past couple of months and that hasn't worked, so this time I'm trying something different.  I'm also trying to eat a little better (more fruits and veggies!)  


I'm hoping that this really will be a lucky 7 for me, but I think I'll be okay if its not.  I'm gonna try to take it one day at a time.  

6 down...how many more to go...

Today is CD 2.  I was pretty upset yesterday.  I really thought that this was our month...that we were going to get lucky on a break month after my HSG.  Oh well.  That marks 6 cycles of trying, 8 total cycles, and 10 months since my miscarriage.  I really never thought that it would take this long to get pregnant again.  I feel like I have been able to work past and through my grief from my miscarriage, but I just don't think I'll be complete and whole again until I get pregnant and have a baby.  Let me tell you, I cannot wait until that time!!  I still feel like its coming soon and the positive from last cycle was that I ovulated on my own.

This month, its a whole new ballgame.  I'll be on clomid again, but this time CD 3-7 (so I start tomorrow!!) Then, its in for a CD 12 ultrasound which I have to pay for out of pocket (not fun at all) and then we'll see!  I'm not really that hopeful this month, but I'm excited for the extra monitoring and who knows maybe I'll even get a trigger shot out of it and ovulate at a normal time instead of CD 19-22ish.

Cycle 7 here we come!!

My awesome weekend in bullet points.

1.  Left hospital at 10am on Friday morning and off for the entire weekend!!
2.  Played with puppy all day until CJ got home from work and then we packed up and headed up to Pittsburgh!!
3.  Stayed with one of my best friends from home.
4.  Slept in until 10am (I really needed to catch up on sleep after my call).  Then, Farmers Market on Saturday morning (where my friend works) where we had delicious chocolate milk, homemade perogies, and samples of goat cheese!!
5.  Hanging out in the Strip District on Saturday afternoon.
6.  Dinner in Shadyside at this really nice awesome asian restaurant where my best friend knew everyone.  We had great appetizers, entrees, and desserts at a huge discount!  Plus, another good friend from home met us for dinner.  It was great to see him again and catch up.  After dinner, we hit the street for a concert literally in the street before crashing back at my best friend's place.  Such a fun day!
7.  Slept in Sunday until 9am and then it was out the door for breakfast at Bruegers Bagels (I love Pittsburgh!).
8.  Next, we tailgated at the Red Sox-Pirates baseball game and had a gourmet grilled lunch and played ladder ball.  Plus, another one of our friend's from home (who we haven't seen in 3 years) met us for the game!
9.  Into PNC Park for the Red Sox game and we won!!  Plus, the weather was great (I did get a little sunburned though), I had some delicious dippin dots, and we had great seats!!  So much fun!!
10.  Back on the road and a return home and to our puppy!
It was just so nice being with friends from home (I am using the term home loosely here, but I did grow up with these friends at a summer camp and while I was growing up, I always considered camp my home.)  I just feel so refreshed and relaxed and yes, actually happy.  I'm worried that these good feelings will crash down once AF arrives this week and her arrival is close, but for now the weekend is exactly what I needed to recharge.
Also, I had a chance to talk to my twin sister on Friday for a long time and I think we cleared up some of our misunderstanding and worked out our communication difficulties.  While the situation is not fixed, I feel much better about it and I feel like I can actually talk to her now.  Plus, after my weekend in Pittsburgh, I'm still feeling so good, so I'm trying to extend that good feeling by reaching out to my sister.  We talked again on the trip home yesterday and it was a pretty good conversation with less awkwardness.  It's definitely an improvement!!

Now, I'm back on call in the PICU for one more night.  I hope you all had a great weekend too!!

My Twin Sister

I've mentioned my twin sister in previous posts, but I thought that I would do a more detailed post about her.  It's sort of a vent, sort of just to get it off my chest, sort of to get some support.  So, here goes.
My twin sister, let's call her Lil (as in little sister, since I'm the older twin), and I have been best friends for our entire lives with a small hiatus while we were in college and she was getting engaged without telling me.  I supported her through a year of ttc when she was trying for her first baby and another year ttc when she was trying for her second baby.  When I got my positive HPT, she was the first person I called and after we saw the ultrasound the revealed no heartbeat for my baby, she was the first person I called.  When I had to have a second d&c, she flew up to see me because she said that I just sounded broken over the phone and she needed to be here for me.  All year, she has been the person I called when I had a good day or a bad day, especially the bad days and most of the time I ended up sobbing over the phone to her.  She was an amazing friend and sister this year.

She had her second baby last May.  She stopped breastfeeding when he was 6 months old, so in November-December-ish.  She told me that they weren't trying for another one right away because she was going to be starting grad school and her husband didn't have a job yet, and they wanted to save up some money and space out their kids a little bit.  I remember very clearly the day in February when my sister called to tell me that she had her first PPAF and how she was disappointed that she wasn't pregnant, but she wasn't really trying, she assured me.  Then all of March, I was consumed with my own ttc concerns and not pregnant once again, so I didn't stop to think about her cycle.  Then, over the 2nd week in April, I realized that she had never told me that she got AF again.  So, I called her, terrified, and asked her if she was pregnant.  She tole me No, there was no way.  I kind of believed her, but I guess I had a suspicion.  Let's call it a twin thing.  The following week, on a Wednesday night, she called me 4 times in a row before I checked my phone and I knew.  When I called her back, we had a semi-normal conversation until she said, well, I wasn't feeling well last night and I threw up and then I thought about what you said, so I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive.  My world crashed down.  I burst into tears, hung up the phone, and started yelling for CJ.  He came running down the stairs and after he realized who I had been talking to, he knew.  He just sat me down and held me while I sobbed and hyperventilated and sobbed some more.  I'm not really sure how I made it through the next day, but I do know that I had to leave work early because I started crying.  The day after that, on Friday, after having horrible conversations with Lil and my mom, I decided screw them, I'm just going to be happy despite everything.  From that day on, I worked incredibly hard to be happy and mindful.

It's just a hard situation because we're twins and it's hard not to compare.  So, when I think about which twin should be pregnant now, I obviously think that it should be me.  Don't I deserve it after my loss and after all I've been through?  If one of us had to be pregnant now, why couldn't it be me?  The sad thing is that she and my parents and my other siblings just don't get why this is so hard for me.  I have tried to explain it to them, but every time I just end up in tears and they just don't get it.  If anyone has any ideas for how to better explain where I'm coming from to my parents, please let me know.  I'm open to any suggestions.  I also don't really know the best way to handle my twin sister.  We used to talk on the phone multiple times a day.  Now, I call her once a day because I miss her and I don't want to totally cut off communication with her, but it's so hard to get through a conversation.  I even managed to ask about her doctor's appointments and ultrasounds.  I can't believe she is already 13 weeks and that she's due just before Christmas.  Her husband made the comment that this was the worst possible time for Lil to get pregnant because they're moving to another state, Lil's starting grad school, and he doesn't have a job yet and they have 2 other kids under the age of 3.  Seriously, why can't it be me that is 13 weeks pregnant and due around Christmas.  What I wouldn't give to be living that dream!!

Most of the reason why I have made it through the past 2 months is because I have an amazing husband.  Lil's husband still plays video games and doesn't help clean up around the house and doesn't help take care of the kids all the time, and is constantly causing Lil frustration.  I, on the other hand, have a wonderful husband who is so very supportive and knows me so well.  I also have more financial security, or at least I will once I pay off my loans.  Also, with my losses and struggle ttc, I will never take my pregnancy or future babies for granted.  It's kinda funny because Lil and I always talked about being pregnant at the same time and now we finally have the perfect setup for it.  All I need to do is fulfill my end of the bargain and get knocked up.

Don't worry, I'm trying as hard as I can.